Brian's book of poem's
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "fallen leaves"poetry
46 total reviews
Comment from Robbie Harper
I really enjoyed this Brian. I like the variation on the traditional 5-7-5 Haiku structure - having a 4-4-4 was a welcome change, and worked well to give equal weight to each line.
Some points to consider for improvement: I think it may have been more satisfying if there was more direction and fresh imagery to the poem. After the first line 'autumn has fallen', the next two lines are quite expected - the fact it is autumn implies the leaves have fallen, and that they are brown. Perhaps condensing the last two lines into one would give you room for a surprising twist in the third? For example:
'Autumn is here
brown leaves fall like
tears from nude trees'
But obviously, that is the challenge that inherent to Haiku's - even more so when you bravely go from 17 syllables to 12!
It's funny though. I say that I want more movement and direction, but a part of me also likes how boldly direct and matter-of-fact the poem is. Hence the positive rating!
Look forward to reading more of your work.
Robbie
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I really enjoyed this Brian. I like the variation on the traditional 5-7-5 Haiku structure - having a 4-4-4 was a welcome change, and worked well to give equal weight to each line.
Some points to consider for improvement: I think it may have been more satisfying if there was more direction and fresh imagery to the poem. After the first line 'autumn has fallen', the next two lines are quite expected - the fact it is autumn implies the leaves have fallen, and that they are brown. Perhaps condensing the last two lines into one would give you room for a surprising twist in the third? For example:
'Autumn is here
brown leaves fall like
tears from nude trees'
But obviously, that is the challenge that inherent to Haiku's - even more so when you bravely go from 17 syllables to 12!
It's funny though. I say that I want more movement and direction, but a part of me also likes how boldly direct and matter-of-fact the poem is. Hence the positive rating!
Look forward to reading more of your work.
Robbie
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Brian, Autumn is certainly here in England, but the sun does shine
which lights up the sky and gives a golden glow to the trees. There are some lovely pictures you can find on google that will lighten up any poem. Nice to read your work - regards Dorothy
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Hello Brian, Autumn is certainly here in England, but the sun does shine
which lights up the sky and gives a golden glow to the trees. There are some lovely pictures you can find on google that will lighten up any poem. Nice to read your work - regards Dorothy
Comment Written 06-Oct-2021
Comment from pookietoo
Bryan, nice piem about leaves, but I miss a photo to go with your poem. I love the Autumn season. Have a wonderful night. Keep smiling. You are special.
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Bryan, nice piem about leaves, but I miss a photo to go with your poem. I love the Autumn season. Have a wonderful night. Keep smiling. You are special.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from Gert sherwood
Brian S. Watson your haiku practice poem
fallen leaves just needs other colors other then drab brown. And when one writes a haiku don't use caps.
Gert
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Brian S. Watson your haiku practice poem
fallen leaves just needs other colors other then drab brown. And when one writes a haiku don't use caps.
Gert
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from Artasylum
Time for quiet reflection and window watching as the snow engulfs my the yard with the shimmering white chill of icy snow. your poem gave me this image... thanks so much...
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Time for quiet reflection and window watching as the snow engulfs my the yard with the shimmering white chill of icy snow. your poem gave me this image... thanks so much...
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from bhogg
Hi Brian -- I'm no poet, but your post appears a bit stilted. Usually, there is a connectiveness in the first two lines and then a switch to the final, or satori line. Yours is more like, first line, second line, third line.
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Hi Brian -- I'm no poet, but your post appears a bit stilted. Usually, there is a connectiveness in the first two lines and then a switch to the final, or satori line. Yours is more like, first line, second line, third line.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
fallen leaves
by Brian S. Watson
Hello, Brian,
Good start for a haiku but it needs some work.
Haiku shouldn't sound like a list of things. You should connect the first two lines, pause before the last line that should be a punch line (satori) keep verbs in present tense...as if it is happening right now.
What I mean...
Autumn turns leaves
ruby red, yellow gold, and earthy brown-- (pause with a dash)
Fall palette
4/10/3= total 17 syllables
It's okay to have a different form than 5/7/5.
Add the haiku definition in your author notes...
Modern HAIKU is an English adaptation of the Japanese classic haiku. It's written in one to four lines no strict syllables count but as brief as possible. Images are taken from nature. Seasonality is optional, though often featured. Alliteration and metaphor are okay. Never rhymes.
The Haiku Foundation of America
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fallen leaves
by Brian S. Watson
Hello, Brian,
Good start for a haiku but it needs some work.
Haiku shouldn't sound like a list of things. You should connect the first two lines, pause before the last line that should be a punch line (satori) keep verbs in present tense...as if it is happening right now.
What I mean...
Autumn turns leaves
ruby red, yellow gold, and earthy brown-- (pause with a dash)
Fall palette
4/10/3= total 17 syllables
It's okay to have a different form than 5/7/5.
Add the haiku definition in your author notes...
Modern HAIKU is an English adaptation of the Japanese classic haiku. It's written in one to four lines no strict syllables count but as brief as possible. Images are taken from nature. Seasonality is optional, though often featured. Alliteration and metaphor are okay. Never rhymes.
The Haiku Foundation of America
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from MissMerri
I think you have created a clear and appealing visual image, Brian, but honestly, I think it could be more striking. First, I want to suggest, instead of announcing Autumn is here, it would be nice to have you show it in a visual picture, such as mentioning crisp winds, colorful leaves, or the crunch of the leaves as they are stepped on, or children playing in piles of leaves ... or neighbors raking... things like that. And make your middle line a bit longer if you can, than the first and last lines. All your lines are four syllables. And, ideally the last line should be something that makes the reader gasp with recognition... an "ah-ha" moment some call it. This is difficult to do, but a winning haiku will usually have such a line. (It can actually be placed first in the poem, if that works better.) Anyway, I see you've labeled this a "practice poem" so I hope my suggestions are helpful for your next one. It is a good beginning, and we all are trying to learn. For me, haiku is one of the most difficult forms, but so delightful when well done. Good luck to you. ~ MM
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I think you have created a clear and appealing visual image, Brian, but honestly, I think it could be more striking. First, I want to suggest, instead of announcing Autumn is here, it would be nice to have you show it in a visual picture, such as mentioning crisp winds, colorful leaves, or the crunch of the leaves as they are stepped on, or children playing in piles of leaves ... or neighbors raking... things like that. And make your middle line a bit longer if you can, than the first and last lines. All your lines are four syllables. And, ideally the last line should be something that makes the reader gasp with recognition... an "ah-ha" moment some call it. This is difficult to do, but a winning haiku will usually have such a line. (It can actually be placed first in the poem, if that works better.) Anyway, I see you've labeled this a "practice poem" so I hope my suggestions are helpful for your next one. It is a good beginning, and we all are trying to learn. For me, haiku is one of the most difficult forms, but so delightful when well done. Good luck to you. ~ MM
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from barbara.wilkey
DARN!! I was hoping for the beautiful rich autumn colors; the reds, oranges, and yellows. The reason autumn is my favorite season. Thank you for sharing your practice poem with us. You did well.
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DARN!! I was hoping for the beautiful rich autumn colors; the reds, oranges, and yellows. The reason autumn is my favorite season. Thank you for sharing your practice poem with us. You did well.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021
Comment from Raul1
This is a simple poem. I think that It is clear and concise. But, one thing is that you should add a picture of nature to familiarize with the poem. Excellent work!
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This is a simple poem. I think that It is clear and concise. But, one thing is that you should add a picture of nature to familiarize with the poem. Excellent work!
Comment Written 05-Oct-2021