Death, Crimes and Misdemeanors A-Z
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Two Of A Kind"Nefarious Deeds
15 total reviews
Comment from patricia dillon
This story jogged along fairly placidly until the chilling ending. I was really disappointed in Clarey who up till then had seemed like the model parent. Did she get away with it?
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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This story jogged along fairly placidly until the chilling ending. I was really disappointed in Clarey who up till then had seemed like the model parent. Did she get away with it?
Comment Written 31-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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They both got away with it. Clarey was pragmatic.
Grandma was not happy about anything. And Albert wanted to ruin her life. Off they go. Sorry you did not enjoy the story.
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I cannot fault your logic.
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:-)
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is quite a story of Mother and son being very like in their behaviour and navigating the world with their own agenda in mind, a fun read, good luck with the contest, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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This is quite a story of Mother and son being very like in their behaviour and navigating the world with their own agenda in mind, a fun read, good luck with the contest, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 30-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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Thank you for the read. And kind words.
Comment from Dr. Nad
Thanks for sharing this intriguing story with us. Since many of us are old here on FanStory, I appreciate the fact that you wrote your story in a large font. You had me going for quite a while and I never picked up on the fact that grandma was knocked off. L O L
I would encourage you to edit before you push send. There are a whole lot of issues concerning identity and who is talking when. I just pulled out a few of the issues that need to be tightened up.
He got the old one right away, and ( with him ) able to do more jobs
So, when Phyliss Cariou decided she wanted to move to Florida to be near her daughter and grandkids, ( she ) was able to buy the shop outright.
When he was eighteen and she was thirty-eight, in walked Albert Perkins one day. (awkward sentence)
Albert asked his Mom and him out to a steak dinner right there at the cash register. (awkward sentence)
He chose to get an apartment to start with because he wasn't ready for ( my ) own house yet.
He said he wants her to either sell the bookstore or ( turn over the store's running to him and Marjorie so they can travel in an RV!). (who is Marjorie and why are Albert and Marjorie going to RV) He is retiring. He says since he has plenty of money, he can slow down and spend all his time with me!
Thanks for Sharing your story with us.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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Thanks for sharing this intriguing story with us. Since many of us are old here on FanStory, I appreciate the fact that you wrote your story in a large font. You had me going for quite a while and I never picked up on the fact that grandma was knocked off. L O L
I would encourage you to edit before you push send. There are a whole lot of issues concerning identity and who is talking when. I just pulled out a few of the issues that need to be tightened up.
He got the old one right away, and ( with him ) able to do more jobs
So, when Phyliss Cariou decided she wanted to move to Florida to be near her daughter and grandkids, ( she ) was able to buy the shop outright.
When he was eighteen and she was thirty-eight, in walked Albert Perkins one day. (awkward sentence)
Albert asked his Mom and him out to a steak dinner right there at the cash register. (awkward sentence)
He chose to get an apartment to start with because he wasn't ready for ( my ) own house yet.
He said he wants her to either sell the bookstore or ( turn over the store's running to him and Marjorie so they can travel in an RV!). (who is Marjorie and why are Albert and Marjorie going to RV) He is retiring. He says since he has plenty of money, he can slow down and spend all his time with me!
Thanks for Sharing your story with us.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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I appreciate the time spent trying to help me. I will go back and look. Thank you.
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You are most welcome. I'm glad you were not offended by my attempt to make you better. I believe in you.
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You are most welcome. I'm glad you were not offended by my attempt to make you better. I believe in you.
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Nope even though I edit myself, and Grammarly does too. They are very bad at correcting tenses. I am terrible with them. I appreciate anyone taking the time to make me better. Thank you again. Karen
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:-)
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:-)
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
A rather lengthy story with a few suspicious deaths going on and a feeling that they're not entirely accidental! The story reads quite well but gets a bit muddled towards the end, not helped by the different changes of tense and some odd expressions (his mom seemed not to notice his uneven part?). I bet they were the talk of the town though! Good luck in the contest, mystery writer:)) Debbie
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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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A rather lengthy story with a few suspicious deaths going on and a feeling that they're not entirely accidental! The story reads quite well but gets a bit muddled towards the end, not helped by the different changes of tense and some odd expressions (his mom seemed not to notice his uneven part?). I bet they were the talk of the town though! Good luck in the contest, mystery writer:)) Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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I edited check and see if I got them all. Thanks for the read and the heads up. Anonymus Person
Comment from Julie G1
Creepy conclusion, added a touch of whimsy. Well done, worked well for this reader. Great response to a prompt, effective imagery. The overall effect was apt, this writer tells a good story.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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Creepy conclusion, added a touch of whimsy. Well done, worked well for this reader. Great response to a prompt, effective imagery. The overall effect was apt, this writer tells a good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2024
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Thank you for the read. And, your nice comments.