Travesty
when times get slow for a cowboy30 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Wow, you really took the interesting challenge of the Roundabout and twice made a great story. I saw that Julie took your first story's word pairs for her story.
I was wondering if this was a metaphorical story with a name like Tonteria (nuisance).
Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Wow, you really took the interesting challenge of the Roundabout and twice made a great story. I saw that Julie took your first story's word pairs for her story.
I was wondering if this was a metaphorical story with a name like Tonteria (nuisance).
Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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You are the only one so far that figured out the reason for the name. Congratulations!
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I had to check to see if it was related to Tonto (stupid) which unfortunately was the Lone Ranger's sidekick.
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Yes, there have been many jokes about Tonto's name.
Comment from Sharon Elwell
I really enjoyed the pacing and formatting of this story. I like the slow, well-drawn setup and the conclusion making your point. I wondered about "Moira," and guessed it was the name you had given Mara in the first place? Good work!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I really enjoyed the pacing and formatting of this story. I like the slow, well-drawn setup and the conclusion making your point. I wondered about "Moira," and guessed it was the name you had given Mara in the first place? Good work!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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You are right in your assumption. Often I re-name characters and this is one edit I forget but later corrected. Thanks!
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I'm a fan of yours!
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I am honored and I would like to become your fan.
Comment from Douglas Goff
Very nicely done, Jim. I mean, who has not gone 'savage' at one point or another?
One catch:
They feel like like cakes in a skillet
(Double likes)
Great Roundabout 2! Good luck, my friend.
D
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Very nicely done, Jim. I mean, who has not gone 'savage' at one point or another?
One catch:
They feel like like cakes in a skillet
(Double likes)
Great Roundabout 2! Good luck, my friend.
D
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you! I already fixed that typo. I truly appreciate your words!
Comment from gansach
Very descriptive, wonderful imagery--I felt I was watching a western tale unfold instead of reading it. Still kept that noir-ish feel to it with a touch of the supernatural. Really enjoyed this. Excellent job! Congratulations on a great story!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Very descriptive, wonderful imagery--I felt I was watching a western tale unfold instead of reading it. Still kept that noir-ish feel to it with a touch of the supernatural. Really enjoyed this. Excellent job! Congratulations on a great story!
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you! Others picked up and that also. I renamed the character and forgot to change it in that one spot, but that's taken care of now!
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I changed my review to eliminate the note on the name. Great job!
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Thank you so much! Please do not ever hesitate to notify me of anything like tht, as I am prone to many typos.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Your ability to craft these western stories is superb, Jim! Everything about the rhythm of your prose and the imagery contained in it evokes heat, dust and inactivity (with just the occasional outburst!) Your prompt words fit seamlessly and the structure of the story is such that the reader becomes quickly immersed and anticipating trouble. Moira appeared from nowhere but clearly an error. And, once again, we have tragedy taking centre stage! Or should I say Travesty! Well done, Jim, on this challenging brief and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Your ability to craft these western stories is superb, Jim! Everything about the rhythm of your prose and the imagery contained in it evokes heat, dust and inactivity (with just the occasional outburst!) Your prompt words fit seamlessly and the structure of the story is such that the reader becomes quickly immersed and anticipating trouble. Moira appeared from nowhere but clearly an error. And, once again, we have tragedy taking centre stage! Or should I say Travesty! Well done, Jim, on this challenging brief and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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If it weren't posted at midnight, I would've caught that error. Thank you so much-It's fixed, now.
Comment from robyn corum
Jim,
Nice ending. A great way to bring things back full circle and put a lovely big bow on the whole story. Very satisfying.
I have a couple issues, though:
1.) Mara's name changed at the very end (in the paragraph that begins, "Tonteria fell")
2.) At the point in the story when our hero enters the bedroom (i think? assume?) where his wife is, you say:
a.) "Still suffering the fire inside me, I lunged upon Tonteria"
--> So I'm picturing this sheriff ON TOP of the bad guy...
b.) then you say, "Suddenly, I went savage. I don't exactly remember all my actions at the time, but I tackled Tonteria with everything I had."
--> so I go, oh. wait. I must have misunderstood before. But that's okay, because he REALLY got that bad guy THIS time. HA! So there! Take THAT, Tonto.
c.) and you say... "Tonteria managed to slide out quick enough to jump through the bedside window."
--> and I go, huh? So, sheriff was definitely never a fit for the football team, I guess. I mean, Tonto has managed to get out from under the tackle, push sheriff far enough away that he has time to slide out the window. Yikes. (There will be NO Pro Draft call for this guy, I promise.)
d.) BUT you say, "I followed, so closely behind."
--> Oh, YEAH! Go, hero, go!!
e.) until you say, "Tonteria pulled out a carving knife, heaving it through the air."
--> and we see the truth again. Really? This sheriff likes to tell some tall tales, don't he? I can't imagine what size fish he catches. Man. So. Tonto goes out the window. Right. Sure. But Hero is right on his tail. So close that Tonto has room to reach in his jacket/pockets/boot, pull out a CARVING knife, RARE BACK (which requires a rather sweeping arm movement), and then HEAVE/HURL FORWARD...toward a rather distant object? -- Otherwise, wouldn't he just ... you know... pull it out and poke him?
** These next two are out of order, sorry.
3.) I sought action. I wanted to be the Town Sheriff. Action is an unknown word here.
--> Since he is the town sheriff, this is a little confusing
4.) My feet are frying on the sun-baked clay. They feel like like cakes in a skillet.
--> delete one 'like'
--> it sounds like he's barefoot
5.) No sense in both of us getting' sunsick.
--> I would want to assume that mark is to show elision, but you've left the 'g'.
6.) It's a matter of preference, but the highlighted font is a bit distracting, imo -- you are certainly welcome to disagree. *smile* Sometimes folks get into that by accident and can't quite figure out how to make it go away. So, JIC:
--> click "edit this"
--> in the top row of the text box tool bar, there's a funny-shaped 'tarp' looking thing. Hover your cursor over it and if it says 'Select All', then click on it. (If it doesn't, keep looking. --wink--)
--> all your text should be highlighted -- yeah? If so, then:
--> in the bottom row of the tool bar, find the very last box to the right. When you hover over it, it should say 'Background Color". If so, click.
--> There are lots of boxes of colors - but at the very top, you'll see the choice for 'Automatic'. Click that and then SAVE - see what happens.
Good luck! Interesting. Please let me know if you edit -- Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Jim,
Nice ending. A great way to bring things back full circle and put a lovely big bow on the whole story. Very satisfying.
I have a couple issues, though:
1.) Mara's name changed at the very end (in the paragraph that begins, "Tonteria fell")
2.) At the point in the story when our hero enters the bedroom (i think? assume?) where his wife is, you say:
a.) "Still suffering the fire inside me, I lunged upon Tonteria"
--> So I'm picturing this sheriff ON TOP of the bad guy...
b.) then you say, "Suddenly, I went savage. I don't exactly remember all my actions at the time, but I tackled Tonteria with everything I had."
--> so I go, oh. wait. I must have misunderstood before. But that's okay, because he REALLY got that bad guy THIS time. HA! So there! Take THAT, Tonto.
c.) and you say... "Tonteria managed to slide out quick enough to jump through the bedside window."
--> and I go, huh? So, sheriff was definitely never a fit for the football team, I guess. I mean, Tonto has managed to get out from under the tackle, push sheriff far enough away that he has time to slide out the window. Yikes. (There will be NO Pro Draft call for this guy, I promise.)
d.) BUT you say, "I followed, so closely behind."
--> Oh, YEAH! Go, hero, go!!
e.) until you say, "Tonteria pulled out a carving knife, heaving it through the air."
--> and we see the truth again. Really? This sheriff likes to tell some tall tales, don't he? I can't imagine what size fish he catches. Man. So. Tonto goes out the window. Right. Sure. But Hero is right on his tail. So close that Tonto has room to reach in his jacket/pockets/boot, pull out a CARVING knife, RARE BACK (which requires a rather sweeping arm movement), and then HEAVE/HURL FORWARD...toward a rather distant object? -- Otherwise, wouldn't he just ... you know... pull it out and poke him?
** These next two are out of order, sorry.
3.) I sought action. I wanted to be the Town Sheriff. Action is an unknown word here.
--> Since he is the town sheriff, this is a little confusing
4.) My feet are frying on the sun-baked clay. They feel like like cakes in a skillet.
--> delete one 'like'
--> it sounds like he's barefoot
5.) No sense in both of us getting' sunsick.
--> I would want to assume that mark is to show elision, but you've left the 'g'.
6.) It's a matter of preference, but the highlighted font is a bit distracting, imo -- you are certainly welcome to disagree. *smile* Sometimes folks get into that by accident and can't quite figure out how to make it go away. So, JIC:
--> click "edit this"
--> in the top row of the text box tool bar, there's a funny-shaped 'tarp' looking thing. Hover your cursor over it and if it says 'Select All', then click on it. (If it doesn't, keep looking. --wink--)
--> all your text should be highlighted -- yeah? If so, then:
--> in the bottom row of the tool bar, find the very last box to the right. When you hover over it, it should say 'Background Color". If so, click.
--> There are lots of boxes of colors - but at the very top, you'll see the choice for 'Automatic'. Click that and then SAVE - see what happens.
Good luck! Interesting. Please let me know if you edit -- Thanks!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Your words are deeply appreciated. This was written rather quickly and posted at midnight. I tried to re-edit, if that's a correct term.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I don't know if you are aware of what a good writer you are. The reader will lean forward for this next statement:"Today, no sign.
I should've been more cautious, but all I could think of was Mara. The shadowy light performed strange and ominous pantomimes upon the doorway and inner walls." the spectral image is perfect. This is clearly an A+ work. I wish I could tell you how many aspects of this story are superior.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I don't know if you are aware of what a good writer you are. The reader will lean forward for this next statement:"Today, no sign.
I should've been more cautious, but all I could think of was Mara. The shadowy light performed strange and ominous pantomimes upon the doorway and inner walls." the spectral image is perfect. This is clearly an A+ work. I wish I could tell you how many aspects of this story are superior.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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I am so very thankful for your words! Since I was born, all I wanted to do was write, and now God has given me the time to do it.
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The same for me. When I was teaching I envied the kids who almost 45 minutes to just sit and write and write. I could do none of it because I was looking at their stories they handed in or helping somebody who was much better at telling their story than writing about it. . It's wonderful now how we can go from voice to text It would be great for kids.
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The Funny Farm on You Tube...I'm listening to it right now haha ho ho hehe they're coming to take me away haha
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Every once in awhile, I let them take me away again. It's nice and peaceful.
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My big problem now is the wi fi. I'll be doing something and it will go off and I'll fight to get it back. It's the fault of my location.
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My big problem now is the wi fi. I'll be doing something and it will go off and I'll fight to get it back. It's the fault of my location.
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My big problem now is the wi fi. I'll be doing something and it will go off and I'll fight to get it back. It's the fault of my location.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Considering the verbs and nouns you chose, this is a stunning and unlikely story filled with unexpected events. Descriptions are vivid, and each sentence smoothly builds on the previous sentence leading to the perfect final sentence. I wish you the best in the contest.
For your consideration:
They feel like like cakes in a skillet. (remove one 'like')
the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira. (did you mean Mara)?
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Considering the verbs and nouns you chose, this is a stunning and unlikely story filled with unexpected events. Descriptions are vivid, and each sentence smoothly builds on the previous sentence leading to the perfect final sentence. I wish you the best in the contest.
For your consideration:
They feel like like cakes in a skillet. (remove one 'like')
the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira. (did you mean Mara)?
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you. I edited both those lines, which were the result of lack of sleep.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading. It's a good story. Good luck with the contest.
Tonteria fell. Then, the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira.
I heard her say, "Goodbye!" (Exactly who is Moira?? This confused me.)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us. I enjoyed reading. It's a good story. Good luck with the contest.
Tonteria fell. Then, the spectral figure seemed to form into the face of Moira.
I heard her say, "Goodbye!" (Exactly who is Moira?? This confused me.)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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So many caught that! I renamed my character, but forgot to edit that line, though I did so afterward.
Comment from nomi338
Your skill is obvious an on point. I was captivated by the slow beginning of a routine day, suddenly interrupted by a violent outburst. I mourned the death of the main character's beloved horse and then his beloved wife. I applauded the demise of the demonic bandit. Felt sorrow at the funeral and burial of the slain wife. Great job.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Your skill is obvious an on point. I was captivated by the slow beginning of a routine day, suddenly interrupted by a violent outburst. I mourned the death of the main character's beloved horse and then his beloved wife. I applauded the demise of the demonic bandit. Felt sorrow at the funeral and burial of the slain wife. Great job.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2024
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Thank you so much for your very kind words!
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Thank you so much for your very kind words!
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Thank you so much for your very kind words!
