MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fun Times"A Day at Sea World
27 total reviews
Comment from TomandOma
So you have a new set of kids with which to have fun, and you do them do well. I think I was a tomboy, as we used to say. I was always out running, climbing and playing baseball with them - just one of the gang, so I missed out on the gender fracuses.
This is starting out with a swing and I can't wait to see where you are going.
Only one nit to shake a disapproving head and scowl over:
Being seasoned climbers, they scaled the wall like little spider monkeys and then { -repelled} [+ rappelled] down even faster.
See you next chapter, my friend.
Spike
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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So you have a new set of kids with which to have fun, and you do them do well. I think I was a tomboy, as we used to say. I was always out running, climbing and playing baseball with them - just one of the gang, so I missed out on the gender fracuses.
This is starting out with a swing and I can't wait to see where you are going.
Only one nit to shake a disapproving head and scowl over:
Being seasoned climbers, they scaled the wall like little spider monkeys and then { -repelled} [+ rappelled] down even faster.
See you next chapter, my friend.
Spike
Comment Written 13-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hey Sis! Freddie and I were just about to send out the troops.
How're you doing? Er, this isn't another kids book. More like Secret Lives and Vantage Point.
Shoot, I'll fix that nit! I'm all redfaced!
so good to see you again,
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Ritsal
You've been a busy gal. I didn't know you started a new novel. :) This one promises to be fun. It looks good - I have no suggestions. :D
As befitting his inferior age, sex and status = LOL
Hmm, at least twice Danny has made disparaging remarks to the galsl -- bubble butt and dog face? When do they get to hurt him?
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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You've been a busy gal. I didn't know you started a new novel. :) This one promises to be fun. It looks good - I have no suggestions. :D
As befitting his inferior age, sex and status = LOL
Hmm, at least twice Danny has made disparaging remarks to the galsl -- bubble butt and dog face? When do they get to hurt him?
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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Hey Rita,
Busy indeed. Vantage Point is edited and on the way to Cass, so I thought, what the heck. Then this happened!
Isn't Danny just charming? Ah, deliver us from twelve year old boys!
Thanks for the R&R and your great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Oatmeal
showtimebook,
Darn it all! I read the chapters in the wrong order. Yes, this reminds me of the good ol'days. LOL
The chapter was very nice. The characters were truly breathing. The conversations flowed very well.
I only spotted one small error-
By ten o'clock the lines had lengthened as park patrons laughed (and cheered and ate) and drank. Dave saw the girls
**put this "cheered, ate" where the bracket is and delete what is inside the bracket
Everything else looked beautiful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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showtimebook,
Darn it all! I read the chapters in the wrong order. Yes, this reminds me of the good ol'days. LOL
The chapter was very nice. The characters were truly breathing. The conversations flowed very well.
I only spotted one small error-
By ten o'clock the lines had lengthened as park patrons laughed (and cheered and ate) and drank. Dave saw the girls
**put this "cheered, ate" where the bracket is and delete what is inside the bracket
Everything else looked beautiful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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Hey Oats! Goodness, girl, it's been ages! How goes the battle?
Oh, you're alright, just two chapters out so far, two more to post today. This story is just writing itself. I hope I can keep up the momentum!
Thanks for the idea about the cheered, ate...thingy. Another reviewer mentioned commas, which I didn't want to do, and another said that while she certainly got the tone of what I was saying, it was too much.
I'm going in there and see what I can do. Your idea sounds best of all, so I'll probably use it.
Sooo good to see you again!
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent first chapter with believable characters and situations. I really like the teenaged girls, acting so blase and then panicking when something might happen.
I found no sapgs.
Here's a line I really liked, "As befitting his inferior age, sex and status, Danny Kramer bounced around..."
Dave M
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent first chapter with believable characters and situations. I really like the teenaged girls, acting so blase and then panicking when something might happen.
I found no sapgs.
Here's a line I really liked, "As befitting his inferior age, sex and status, Danny Kramer bounced around..."
Dave M
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
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Hey Dave,
It's a big bad world out there, for sure. I'm glad you liked that little bit with Danny. I mean, is there anything in the world more annoying than a little brother? LOL!
Thanks a bunch, my friend, and hang in there. Things are going to get worse.
Gayle
Comment from rhymer1
I took your advice and read #1. Narrative and dialog is excellent as is usual for you. I really appreciate that - no interruptions to take notes, and I can speed read if I choose to, which I did.
Slainte, rhymer1
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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I took your advice and read #1. Narrative and dialog is excellent as is usual for you. I really appreciate that - no interruptions to take notes, and I can speed read if I choose to, which I did.
Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Big grins here! It makes it sooo much easier when you start at the beginning. There are nuances and things, so I'm thrilled you did that. I value your input so another grin on the way!
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Excellent opening chapter. Grabbed me and kept me interested from start to finish. This strikes me as a book that I'll definitely enjoy. Looking forward to reading Chapter Deux. :)
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Excellent opening chapter. Grabbed me and kept me interested from start to finish. This strikes me as a book that I'll definitely enjoy. Looking forward to reading Chapter Deux. :)
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Man, I really appreciate the sixer! Thank you so much and I'm glad you got into the story. Oh my, again, thanks so much!
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
'Mornin' Annabelle,
Gee, you must have been a teenage girl.
You've got all the elements here: two girls on their own in the park, a clueless, romantic wannabe little brother, a mysterious guy and an older guy setting them up for a big surprise. And, not a horse in sight. :-)
You can almost anywhere with this. I didn't see a nit to pick.
Freddie
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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'Mornin' Annabelle,
Gee, you must have been a teenage girl.
You've got all the elements here: two girls on their own in the park, a clueless, romantic wannabe little brother, a mysterious guy and an older guy setting them up for a big surprise. And, not a horse in sight. :-)
You can almost anywhere with this. I didn't see a nit to pick.
Freddie
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hey Freddie,
So good to see you...it's been busy all over the place!
I love your reviews, sheesh, you'd almost think you knew me! Snicker::
Okay, we're going to have some fun here. Well, not fun, exactly. Dis'ere is a triller!
I kinda have the feeling that you will NOT be asking for action! LOL! I figure I'll be pm'ing you like crazy.
Any news on the Alamo? I just got my check from Cup of Comfort. I am now, officially, a paid author! LOL! Thanks to you, Freddie, and Doris, of course. Oh God, this sounds like one of those awards speechs: And now, I want to thank...
Yes, I'm giddy!
Hugs,
Annabelle
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Hey, sounds like you oughta be giving an awards speech! I am so proud of you. Make a photocopy before you cash it so you can frame it an' put it on the wall. It's official, Alamo (Now retitled 'Things Worth Fighting For' will be out in hardback September 1st. I've go review copies coming along sooner in paperback. I'll send you a copy of the flyer.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hi Showtime, Loved the story. The imagery is very good. Reminded me of those days when our boys were young and the weekend outings.
as park patrons laughed and cheered and ate and drank. Too many ands but I know the tone you mean so I think it is okay to let it be I guess.
That's just {want} [what] you needed, bubble butt,"
Wishing you the best and hoping to read the rest of it
Happy writing
Sylvia
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hi Showtime, Loved the story. The imagery is very good. Reminded me of those days when our boys were young and the weekend outings.
as park patrons laughed and cheered and ate and drank. Too many ands but I know the tone you mean so I think it is okay to let it be I guess.
That's just {want} [what] you needed, bubble butt,"
Wishing you the best and hoping to read the rest of it
Happy writing
Sylvia
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hi Sylvia,
Gee, what a cool review. I appreciate your eagle eye as well as your comments. I appreciate your time and effort, thanks so much.
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Another change of genre for you. I love the way you write from the perspective of teenagers. So Molly has a pesky younger brother. Glad the parents are letting the girls explore alone. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings
How's your foot?
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Another change of genre for you. I love the way you write from the perspective of teenagers. So Molly has a pesky younger brother. Glad the parents are letting the girls explore alone. Looking forward to more.
Love and blessings
How's your foot?
Comment Written 10-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hey Girls,
This is going to make an abrupt about-face in the next chapter. Hold onto your hat!
Thanks so much for the R&R,
Love ya,
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Hey Lady,
What the dickens are yo up to now.
A mysterious, dark-haired stranger with an eye on one of the girls is loose and the concession manager is making a pass at the two of them.
Now I'm wondering about the oblivious mom and possibly infatuated younger brother.
What a zoo!
Waiting for more,
Fantasist
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hey Lady,
What the dickens are yo up to now.
A mysterious, dark-haired stranger with an eye on one of the girls is loose and the concession manager is making a pass at the two of them.
Now I'm wondering about the oblivious mom and possibly infatuated younger brother.
What a zoo!
Waiting for more,
Fantasist
Comment Written 10-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
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Hey Wayne!
Shoot dude, how goes it? I've been so busy you wouldn't believe it. First, yesterday I got my check from the publisher for my short story that is going into the anthology. Remember? It's Cup of Comfort for Horselovers. Anyhoo, they bought my story and I am now, officially, a 'paid' author. It was only $100, so I told Jeff to keep his day job, but it's sooo fun.
Next month Resplendence Publishing will publish Secret Lives, now known as Deadly Secrets. Soon as that's ready I'll give you a heaads up!
Busy, my God. Jeff and I st...wait a minute. I'll pm you. This is not the place! :)
Big hugs to you and one for Susie,
Gayle
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Great News.
Perseverance and TALENT do work!
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Gonna frame it as a souvenir?
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Jeff thinks I should at least make a copy of it! LOL!
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In COLOR and super-sized!