MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Closing The Gap"A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from Kym Jade
The way the girls climbed the wall I would say they would be gutsy. It is good Jim and Lenny got that little bit of info about the other theme parks from Molly. Now will he strike again and take another girl?
When I read I copy and change the spellchecker to US English and it picked up these two:
Guilt rode her with a vengance, (vengeance) her
She grabbed a handfull (handful)
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
  |
The way the girls climbed the wall I would say they would be gutsy. It is good Jim and Lenny got that little bit of info about the other theme parks from Molly. Now will he strike again and take another girl?
When I read I copy and change the spellchecker to US English and it picked up these two:
Guilt rode her with a vengance, (vengeance) her
She grabbed a handfull (handful)
Love and blessings
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 19-May-2008
-
Hey Ladies,
Well, these girls, Beth anyway, have a lot of spunk. I'm not sure about Audrey, but Beth will make a plan, even if it's a bad one.
Let me check those two against my spell checker and see what we come up with. I think you're right! :)
Love,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter. It does seem strange that "Sam" would say that much about himself, but sometimes, people slip up. Wonder if anyone has bothered to check with UCSD about a certain "Sam Hudson."
I have a couple of comments:
"Her stomach turned over and she wretched [retched]." I think I'm right.
"Lenny shrugged. "We need to have a talk with that couple and get a good description of it." I know what you mean here, the car Sam drove, but it isn't clear in the text. I'd say, "We need to have a talk with the couple who saw him take Beth out of Sea World and get a good description of his car."
Dave M
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
|
Gayle,
This is an excellent chapter. It does seem strange that "Sam" would say that much about himself, but sometimes, people slip up. Wonder if anyone has bothered to check with UCSD about a certain "Sam Hudson."
I have a couple of comments:
"Her stomach turned over and she wretched [retched]." I think I'm right.
"Lenny shrugged. "We need to have a talk with that couple and get a good description of it." I know what you mean here, the car Sam drove, but it isn't clear in the text. I'd say, "We need to have a talk with the couple who saw him take Beth out of Sea World and get a good description of his car."
Dave M
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
Hey Dave,
Where did the W come from? LOL, will fix asap.
Even worse, I was talking about the clown not the car. Yikes! Let me get in there and take a peek.
Thanks a bunch for the eagle eye, my friend,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
You've got the guys thinking and planning. It's going to take all they've got to catch this creep. I keep wondering about his motivation and why the pornography is necessary. He's a pretty boy. Hmmm? You've got me hooked, Gayle.
"Makes perfect sense to me,["] Jim said, nodding.
Renie
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
|
You've got the guys thinking and planning. It's going to take all they've got to catch this creep. I keep wondering about his motivation and why the pornography is necessary. He's a pretty boy. Hmmm? You've got me hooked, Gayle.
"Makes perfect sense to me,["] Jim said, nodding.
Renie
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
Hey Renie,
This guy has a bunch of problems, some physical. We'll get into that in a little bit. Thanks so much for the R&R and great comments.
I'll get that comma!! ROFL!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
It's the double quote mark, lass. Giggle.
-
LOL! When I found the sentence, I knew that. It was our previous fun with commas that set me off! I'm grinning!
G
Comment from rhymer1
Narrative and dialog are fine, but I have two comments on overall style.
1) Your villian does not ring true for me. No personality at all, and reasonable unrealistic action. Someone like him would have already raped both girls (in my opinion) and then if he was just the one dimensional non-thinking person you created would use the porn to excite himself over and over and continue the rapes. Horrible, but much more probable.
2) Once you leave the barn scene, all the excetiment and tension drains from the chapter and I felt like I was in boring idle while you slooowly lay the ground work for them to be found and saved, or not. My suspension of reality suspended, and I lost interest in both the girls at risk and their fate.
Slainte, rhymer1
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
 |
Narrative and dialog are fine, but I have two comments on overall style.
1) Your villian does not ring true for me. No personality at all, and reasonable unrealistic action. Someone like him would have already raped both girls (in my opinion) and then if he was just the one dimensional non-thinking person you created would use the porn to excite himself over and over and continue the rapes. Horrible, but much more probable.
2) Once you leave the barn scene, all the excetiment and tension drains from the chapter and I felt like I was in boring idle while you slooowly lay the ground work for them to be found and saved, or not. My suspension of reality suspended, and I lost interest in both the girls at risk and their fate.
Slainte, rhymer1
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
Oh, dear, Rhymer, I'm not showing this right. I don't want to reveal all the surprises, but Sam is functionally ... er, impotent. He's a psychopath but he's also a collector. Things will finally escalate to violence, but I'm trying to build the suspense.
The timing of the scenes wasn't good either, huh? I really value your input, especially since you've been reading along and I thought I'd hit it here. I'm not whining here. I need to go back and recheck the chapter. But if you had a minute, I'd love to hear what you'd like to see changed.
In any event, thanks so much,
Gayle
Comment from starman
The initial act was done superbly. The graphic intensity of the victim's plight and the abuser's perverse and violent natiure was clearly demonstrated.
As for the rest, I think I'd need to read some back chapters to get a grasp pf the overall plot.
Great wrting though.
:)s
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
|
The initial act was done superbly. The graphic intensity of the victim's plight and the abuser's perverse and violent natiure was clearly demonstrated.
As for the rest, I think I'd need to read some back chapters to get a grasp pf the overall plot.
Great wrting though.
:)s
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
Hey Starman,
Whoa, you have quite a name there. If you saw my bio with the horse jumping, and that interested you at all, google Starman and see what popps up. He was one of the most talented US jumpers in history. Beautiful, too. But I digress! LO!L
Thanks so much for the R&R and I hope you're check through previous chapters and get a chance to see another Starman!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from kintesiegel
This really has a lot of bunch. You get right to the action and the horror. I would emphasize the feelings of the girl watching the movie to increase the drama.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
|
This really has a lot of bunch. You get right to the action and the horror. I would emphasize the feelings of the girl watching the movie to increase the drama.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
Hi Kintesiegel,
I know what you mean. I just have a hard time with that. I could see someone writing this story with a much higher heat level, for sure. More than hot I want it to be like a chunk of ice in your stomach. Does that make any sense?
Anyway, thanks so much for the fine comments and rating. Hope to see you again,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This was the most frightening chapter yet. What made it so haunting was how real the situation was. You did a great job once again. Looking forward to reading more of this.
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
 |
This was the most frightening chapter yet. What made it so haunting was how real the situation was. You did a great job once again. Looking forward to reading more of this.
Comment Written 18-May-2008
reply by the author on 18-May-2008
-
CRASH! :: Staggers from the floor! You liked it that much?!? Oh, I'm glad to hear that. Did you find Sam to be kind of one dimensional or maybe not realistic? I want to indicate lots of subtle stuff rather than a 'smack between the eyes' kind of thing.
Again, thanks so much, I so appreciate your eye and your comments.
Gayle