MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Close The Loop"A Day at Sea World
18 total reviews
Comment from dsteiny
Solid - I got into the story even though I haven't read other parts of the book. That's a good signed.
I did find some of the dialogue a bit predictable, such as,
"Kidnapping? My God, you can't be serious."
...........
Also, I can understand that someone might recognize a cars make, but to know it's exact year is stretching it. Didn't seem believable to me. Especially that she actually read the license plate (who does that?). Seemed too convenient. I recommend that is she knows all this she explain why, like she used to have a friend with the same car and there was a reason she looked at the plates (like hoping to get a date).
"I did." Amanda nodded several times. "'98 Honda, dark gray, the back wheel on the driver's side is missing a hubcap. At least it was the last time I saw it; don't know more, but the last two numbers of the plate were 8's."
Anyway, good stuff - thanks for letting me read.
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Solid - I got into the story even though I haven't read other parts of the book. That's a good signed.
I did find some of the dialogue a bit predictable, such as,
"Kidnapping? My God, you can't be serious."
...........
Also, I can understand that someone might recognize a cars make, but to know it's exact year is stretching it. Didn't seem believable to me. Especially that she actually read the license plate (who does that?). Seemed too convenient. I recommend that is she knows all this she explain why, like she used to have a friend with the same car and there was a reason she looked at the plates (like hoping to get a date).
"I did." Amanda nodded several times. "'98 Honda, dark gray, the back wheel on the driver's side is missing a hubcap. At least it was the last time I saw it; don't know more, but the last two numbers of the plate were 8's."
Anyway, good stuff - thanks for letting me read.
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hang in there, Dsteiny,
There's more here than meets the eye. Hang in there with me, you'll see why she knows about him.
Thanks for the great comments and I hope you'll stop by again soon,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
Another amazing chapter, Gayle. Just as engrossing and well-written as the previous entries I've read. I have no suggestions to make. This is fine as it stands.
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Another amazing chapter, Gayle. Just as engrossing and well-written as the previous entries I've read. I have no suggestions to make. This is fine as it stands.
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hey Johnny,
Oh, we're getting into the thick of it now.
Thanks so much for the grat R&R.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Looks like they're closing in on the perp. It's about time for Tony and Amy to go to work. At least now, they have the geographical area narrowed down to a few square miles and since the shop owners have his phone number they should be able to make quick work of it. Very well done.
get these boards (prized) loose [pryed]
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Looks like they're closing in on the perp. It's about time for Tony and Amy to go to work. At least now, they have the geographical area narrowed down to a few square miles and since the shop owners have his phone number they should be able to make quick work of it. Very well done.
get these boards (prized) loose [pryed]
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Oh Frank,
Just wait until you see what I've got in store next. Tehehe.
thanks for the great R&R and the super comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Earthwriter
you sure cover a lot of ground in your writing , keeps the reader on the toes excellent job i was very entertained no errors could i find
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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you sure cover a lot of ground in your writing , keeps the reader on the toes excellent job i was very entertained no errors could i find
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hi Earthwriter,
I so appreciate you reading along and making such wonderful comments. They and you are so appreciated,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Oowww...we got a bunch of good clues here. Yet another girl kidnapped. Sam is going to have his hand full.
Here are a couple of notions to kick around:
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Beth pressed her ear against the wall in a vain attempt to hear something that would tell them of Sam's whereabouts. She shrugged, glancing at Audrey.
"Get off the bed, Beth. I have an idea." She waved her hands to the side.
She picked up the lumpy mattress, and with Beth's help, flipped it over. (She shrugged/she waved/she picked)
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"The springs," Beth said. "Do you think we can pry one out? We can do it, I know we can, if we can just get hold...." She reached for what looked like the loosest one and gave a sharp tug. Speckles of rust came away in her hand, as well as a piece of the spring, about four inches long. (A bed spring would be awfully hard to bread, even rusted. It would be like breaking off a nail. Maybe it would be better for the spring to come loose from the wooded box frame.)
"Beth knelt on the floor and gently began scraping (the sharp edge of a spring) down the edges of the boards that made the wall.
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Oowww...we got a bunch of good clues here. Yet another girl kidnapped. Sam is going to have his hand full.
Here are a couple of notions to kick around:
----
Beth pressed her ear against the wall in a vain attempt to hear something that would tell them of Sam's whereabouts. She shrugged, glancing at Audrey.
"Get off the bed, Beth. I have an idea." She waved her hands to the side.
She picked up the lumpy mattress, and with Beth's help, flipped it over. (She shrugged/she waved/she picked)
------------
"The springs," Beth said. "Do you think we can pry one out? We can do it, I know we can, if we can just get hold...." She reached for what looked like the loosest one and gave a sharp tug. Speckles of rust came away in her hand, as well as a piece of the spring, about four inches long. (A bed spring would be awfully hard to bread, even rusted. It would be like breaking off a nail. Maybe it would be better for the spring to come loose from the wooded box frame.)
"Beth knelt on the floor and gently began scraping (the sharp edge of a spring) down the edges of the boards that made the wall.
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hey Freddie,
Great edits here, as always. Love that eagle eye. I'll get in and adjust the 'she's' down a good bit. Also, I'll make them work harder at getting the springs loose. You're right, those little guys are tough!
Hey, you're the best!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from shelley kaye
saw this is my "next up"
thought i'd check it out lol
loved the action in this, made me feel like i was right there
and the ending is great!
couple things i noticed....
in the "background" part:
s/b <-- what the heck is "s/b"?
but you haven't mi <-- i haven't WHAT???? ;-)
first paragraph:
I think we're alone <-- prob not what you intended (and it's prob just me) but this line made me think of the song (i think we're alone now" -- and now i can't get it outta my head! :-P
revealed a both a weapon <-- typo? or a new way of speaking? ;-)
there aren't wild animals around San Diego <-- uhh, yea there are (depending where in SD you are)
just a few things for you to kick around
good chapter - thanx for sharing :-)
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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saw this is my "next up"
thought i'd check it out lol
loved the action in this, made me feel like i was right there
and the ending is great!
couple things i noticed....
in the "background" part:
s/b <-- what the heck is "s/b"?
but you haven't mi <-- i haven't WHAT???? ;-)
first paragraph:
I think we're alone <-- prob not what you intended (and it's prob just me) but this line made me think of the song (i think we're alone now" -- and now i can't get it outta my head! :-P
revealed a both a weapon <-- typo? or a new way of speaking? ;-)
there aren't wild animals around San Diego <-- uhh, yea there are (depending where in SD you are)
just a few things for you to kick around
good chapter - thanx for sharing :-)
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hey shell,
Man, I think is the fist review you've ever done for me! Thanks a bunch.
Okay, STOP SINGING!
That sentence..revealed both a weapon and a tool... you didn't like that one, huh? And here I thought I was being clever. OK, I'll check it out again.
s/b is should be and I think I ran out of space!
Will check and thanks my little friend! Here, have a peep!
Hugs,
Gayle
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mmmm tasty.... ;-)
Comment from Chris Williamson
This is great work. I enjoyed the suspense of the girls trying to escape from their "prison." The weapon and tool under the mattress was really clever. Great work.
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reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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This is great work. I enjoyed the suspense of the girls trying to escape from their "prison." The weapon and tool under the mattress was really clever. Great work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hi Chris,
Thanks so much for the R&R and your kind comments. They are appreciated.
Gayle
Comment from RaymondJohn
door jam--this isn't like toe jam, it's spelled "jamb."
Speckles of rust came away in her hand, as well as a piece of the spring, about four inches long. Too easy. Make her work harder at it. Maybe have her move to a different spot.
Terry said they're sitting--who they? remember, a reader may be starting to read at this chapter after laying your book down for a while. They will want to know the same thing.
Pincher--is she trying to be funny? The word is Pinschers."
You have good dialog and some real excitement here. The pace seems fine. You do have some minor problems to clear up, but you have a good yarn going here. Best wishes. Ray
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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door jam--this isn't like toe jam, it's spelled "jamb."
Speckles of rust came away in her hand, as well as a piece of the spring, about four inches long. Too easy. Make her work harder at it. Maybe have her move to a different spot.
Terry said they're sitting--who they? remember, a reader may be starting to read at this chapter after laying your book down for a while. They will want to know the same thing.
Pincher--is she trying to be funny? The word is Pinschers."
You have good dialog and some real excitement here. The pace seems fine. You do have some minor problems to clear up, but you have a good yarn going here. Best wishes. Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-May-2008
reply by the author on 28-May-2008
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Hey Ray,
Thanks for the jam/jamb, LOL! I'll fix.
Yes, she's being funny about the Pinchers! I just get tired of always saying Dobie!
Actually, we're in the middle of the chapter as it is. I'm afraid it'd appear strange if I explained that.
Hey, thanks for the ideas. I appreciate your time!
Gayle
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Funny reply. I am serious about the reference to "they." Use the names if necessary, but no matter where you are in a story, It's always important that the reader not have to back up a few pages to see who "they" refer to. Believe me. It's a basic no-no that I used to get nailed on myself. Trust me on this.