MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "All Good Things..."A Day at Sea World
17 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
Good end. Poor Rudy! :) I like how you tied it all together with a party at the end. And I really did like Danny, so it was fun to see him close the story out w/ Jim!
I really enjoyed this book, Gayle. You did a great job. It was entertaining and fun, and I love the dogs! :) And as usual, you've made me hungry! :)
Some stuff to check out:
"First of all, salad." She placed both bowls on the (need?-->bedside serving) table and popped off their lids.
"Bless you(,) child; definitely with."
He plucked an anchovy from the bowl and popped it into his mouth. He chewed a moment, eyes closed in delight. "And look at those croutons." He popped one in his mouth and made exaggerated chomping sounds at Ella. (popped it/popped one. And watch the 'he's.)
Their menu fit their mood to perfection; comfort food was in order. They sat on the bed, cross legged, facing each other, enjoying the first hot meal they'd had in what seemed like forever(,) and thanking God for the miracle of their survival. (not sure about that comma, but the sentence was getting long, and needed a pause. Your call.)
She watched (need?-->the expressions on) his face for signs of fatigue.
a PI and training the dogs, and from that moment on, he (<--need this 'he'?) was determined to hear more. As Jim left Rudy and walked to the bar, Danny followed.
As his eyes began to glaze over, for some insane reason Jim remembered the O'Henry story, "The Ransom of Red Chief." (a bit awkward with the 'As' at the beginning, then 'for'. Try: 'His eyes began to glaze over, and for some reason...'
The boy continued to ramble on (Consider: 'The boy rambled non-stop) about being a PI and dog training and breeding and how much he'd like to be involved in something with dogs ... on and on he droned. (maybe 'and continued to drone on and one) (I was trying to kick the 'on' earlier, and for me, the 'on and on he droned' after the ellipsis seemed a bit awkward.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hey Gayle,
Good end. Poor Rudy! :) I like how you tied it all together with a party at the end. And I really did like Danny, so it was fun to see him close the story out w/ Jim!
I really enjoyed this book, Gayle. You did a great job. It was entertaining and fun, and I love the dogs! :) And as usual, you've made me hungry! :)
Some stuff to check out:
"First of all, salad." She placed both bowls on the (need?-->bedside serving) table and popped off their lids.
"Bless you(,) child; definitely with."
He plucked an anchovy from the bowl and popped it into his mouth. He chewed a moment, eyes closed in delight. "And look at those croutons." He popped one in his mouth and made exaggerated chomping sounds at Ella. (popped it/popped one. And watch the 'he's.)
Their menu fit their mood to perfection; comfort food was in order. They sat on the bed, cross legged, facing each other, enjoying the first hot meal they'd had in what seemed like forever(,) and thanking God for the miracle of their survival. (not sure about that comma, but the sentence was getting long, and needed a pause. Your call.)
She watched (need?-->the expressions on) his face for signs of fatigue.
a PI and training the dogs, and from that moment on, he (<--need this 'he'?) was determined to hear more. As Jim left Rudy and walked to the bar, Danny followed.
As his eyes began to glaze over, for some insane reason Jim remembered the O'Henry story, "The Ransom of Red Chief." (a bit awkward with the 'As' at the beginning, then 'for'. Try: 'His eyes began to glaze over, and for some reason...'
The boy continued to ramble on (Consider: 'The boy rambled non-stop) about being a PI and dog training and breeding and how much he'd like to be involved in something with dogs ... on and on he droned. (maybe 'and continued to drone on and one) (I was trying to kick the 'on' earlier, and for me, the 'on and on he droned' after the ellipsis seemed a bit awkward.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Sis,
Well, now that it's over, I'm back to the editing cave to add about 30K more words. It's only half the length it should be to sell as a novel!
I'm glad you liked Danny...several readers did, so it tickled me to see the reaction to his ending the book. And 'chattered' not rambled..I like that better. Will make the fixes, my friend, and thank you once again for the time and effort you take with my reviews. You are just the best Sissy...best in show!
Hugs and love,
Gayle
chattered!
Comment from Korton
I'm glad you continued with this chapter. It added just a little more information go finish everything off. The book was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Very well done..
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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I'm glad you continued with this chapter. It added just a little more information go finish everything off. The book was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Very well done..
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Frank,
I love to close things out on a happy note. Glad you enjoyed this and thank you so much for your continued support. It..and you, are appreciated muchly!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from dportwood
showtimebook,
Excellent and enjoyable with good dialogue and well described events and situations. Sneaking food and drink into the hospital - nice touch. Realistic. Good writing.
dportwood
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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showtimebook,
Excellent and enjoyable with good dialogue and well described events and situations. Sneaking food and drink into the hospital - nice touch. Realistic. Good writing.
dportwood
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Dportwood,
thanks so much for the fine R&R and your comments. They are much appreciated.
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
Hey Gayle---is this the end of this book. Or is there more to look forward to? If not wow it was great I enjoyed it very much and you had lots of mystery intrigue, drama, and everything else.
Good luck on you next ----what ever you try.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hey Gayle---is this the end of this book. Or is there more to look forward to? If not wow it was great I enjoyed it very much and you had lots of mystery intrigue, drama, and everything else.
Good luck on you next ----what ever you try.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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This is it, my friend. All over. But I'll probably start another story with this group of characters. Love them all, mostly the dogs!
Talk soon,
Hugs,
Gayle
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Gayle,
Some times the saddest part of a book is the end.
Good luck on your next adventure.
Jane.
Comment from Bryana
Excellent chapter, well written, caught my interest from the beginning. I enjoyed the dinner. I wish someone had done this for me when I was in the hospital!.
I love the interaction between Ella and Jim. It made the story heart warming and a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Excellent chapter, well written, caught my interest from the beginning. I enjoyed the dinner. I wish someone had done this for me when I was in the hospital!.
I love the interaction between Ella and Jim. It made the story heart warming and a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hi Bryana,
Yes, hospital food sucks. Now, a nice homemade lasagna, some vino, who cares whether you're sick! LOL and thanks so much for the fine review.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
A very well written ending. Good dialog. Good imagery. Good descriptive scheme. You have the makings for a very good serial. Danny could be a protégé. At any mention of his name could be a introduction to this story.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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A very well written ending. Good dialog. Good imagery. Good descriptive scheme. You have the makings for a very good serial. Danny could be a protégé. At any mention of his name could be a introduction to this story.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hey Charlie,
Everyone loved Danny...so funny. You don't need to leave a review, but go back to Ch. 1 and 'meet' him! What a little turd and so engaging, you have to love him.
Beth calls him "Danny, the Pre-Teen Pervert" which suits, let me tell you.
Thanks for the great comments and hope to see you again soon,
Gayle
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Hi Gayle, I'm trying to catch up on several stories. I have been at FS for about a month. I'm making headway. Charlie
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
I gues this closes the back cover. I've really enjoyed this novel. I'd love to give you a six-star in honor of the entire story, but Fanstory won't let me do that right now.
WRT this chapter, I couldn't find any nits. I enjoyed the dialogue thoroughly, and I think it's a good thing Ella didn't spend the night with Jim. A nurse could've barged in on them while they were enjoying dessert. Oh yes, if I had a choice between hospital food and Ella's restaurant...
Dave M
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reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Gayle,
I gues this closes the back cover. I've really enjoyed this novel. I'd love to give you a six-star in honor of the entire story, but Fanstory won't let me do that right now.
WRT this chapter, I couldn't find any nits. I enjoyed the dialogue thoroughly, and I think it's a good thing Ella didn't spend the night with Jim. A nurse could've barged in on them while they were enjoying dessert. Oh yes, if I had a choice between hospital food and Ella's restaurant...
Dave M
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2008
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Hey Dave,
Shoot, I see that extra star...but even more important than the star is your desire to give it to this book. I really had a ball, now it's back to the editing cave. I have to add about another 30K words to make it saleable as a novel. That's the easy part, fleshing out the characters is always fun.
Hey, talk soon!
Hugs,
Gayle