Lust
a tasteful erotic poem24 total reviews
Comment from Phil Kitom
Well created and crafted with a raunchy feeling that leaves in no doubt what this poem is all about. You could say it is graphic but without a graphic
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Well created and crafted with a raunchy feeling that leaves in no doubt what this poem is all about. You could say it is graphic but without a graphic
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Yes, that is exactly what I wanted to convey. Thank you for a good review.
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take care
Comment from Hall Scott
I probably should have just left this poem alone. But I couldn't.
During my initial reading I was put off by so many blunt or cliched images, like "His torso shirtless", "She took his eager member to her mouth", "He put his lips upon her moistened hole" "within her his own pole", and "he thrust into her".
At the same time there was something intriguing about a metaphor like "his hair was a mop" and a simile like "He loved her like a man from the old South". I saw that the male lover was 'tender', 'kind', 'fair' and 'gentle'.
I wanted to try to understand what was there that was erotic about, rather than just pornographic about this poem.
And indeed there is something deeper here, something more than the bland pornographic descriptions of sex acts.
There is a short catalog of feelings: "She felt complete", there was "desire" and I guess good old lust counts as a feeling, if a base one. And finally there seems to be something spiritual in their union: "one soul/In psyche, mind, desire," - well, and of course - "lust".
The variations in the iambic pentameter rhythms are welcome, but sometimes seem strained to my ear: "Entering her so gently by his mouth" doesn't scan at all for me - am I missing something? And then there is "Yet she invited him upon her lair".
'Upon'? Well, explained to us in notes is that here 'lair' means bed. So this awkward use of the preposition is OK, because now, (presumably) we can see how the shirtless lover could be invited 'up-on' something that one is usually invited 'in-to'. Of course, the note would have been unnecessary if 'into' was used in the first place.
And while I am on the subject of the notes - sheesh. Do we really need to be told that a 'fop' is a 'meticulous man', or what the Santa Anas are?
Gosh, I spent a lot of time looking at this poem. It is carefully, meticulously crafted in structure and rhyme scheme. I gave it 4 stars less from a sense of technical adjustments needed, than from just feeling there could have been more of a commitment to the erotic sense.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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I probably should have just left this poem alone. But I couldn't.
During my initial reading I was put off by so many blunt or cliched images, like "His torso shirtless", "She took his eager member to her mouth", "He put his lips upon her moistened hole" "within her his own pole", and "he thrust into her".
At the same time there was something intriguing about a metaphor like "his hair was a mop" and a simile like "He loved her like a man from the old South". I saw that the male lover was 'tender', 'kind', 'fair' and 'gentle'.
I wanted to try to understand what was there that was erotic about, rather than just pornographic about this poem.
And indeed there is something deeper here, something more than the bland pornographic descriptions of sex acts.
There is a short catalog of feelings: "She felt complete", there was "desire" and I guess good old lust counts as a feeling, if a base one. And finally there seems to be something spiritual in their union: "one soul/In psyche, mind, desire," - well, and of course - "lust".
The variations in the iambic pentameter rhythms are welcome, but sometimes seem strained to my ear: "Entering her so gently by his mouth" doesn't scan at all for me - am I missing something? And then there is "Yet she invited him upon her lair".
'Upon'? Well, explained to us in notes is that here 'lair' means bed. So this awkward use of the preposition is OK, because now, (presumably) we can see how the shirtless lover could be invited 'up-on' something that one is usually invited 'in-to'. Of course, the note would have been unnecessary if 'into' was used in the first place.
And while I am on the subject of the notes - sheesh. Do we really need to be told that a 'fop' is a 'meticulous man', or what the Santa Anas are?
Gosh, I spent a lot of time looking at this poem. It is carefully, meticulously crafted in structure and rhyme scheme. I gave it 4 stars less from a sense of technical adjustments needed, than from just feeling there could have been more of a commitment to the erotic sense.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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For clarification, if these images are cliched, where else have you found them? Also, for clarification, "into" is accented on the FIRST syllable; "unto" on the second. Third, this site has an international audience. If a reader lives in Scotland, e.g., a reader would not know what a Santa Ana is. As I understand it, the critique is for the poem, not the notes. I am not defending my work, just clarifying. Thank you for your review.
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Yes, I suppose I should have stayed off of commenting on the notes, but heck - I live in the states and I know what haggis is. Pace. -HS
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Remember, when one writes one is not writing emotions or a story primarily, one is primarily writing a reading experience.
Comment from Hitcher
Hello friend, delighted to have another guy join in the fun. Thinking outside, and inside the box Alvin, ha ha. You definitely adhered to the rules of the contest, this definitely sizzled friend and will of had a few of the ladies fanning themselves. Well done, I know this is not what you would normally write so I very much appreciate your participation, and I wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Hello friend, delighted to have another guy join in the fun. Thinking outside, and inside the box Alvin, ha ha. You definitely adhered to the rules of the contest, this definitely sizzled friend and will of had a few of the ladies fanning themselves. Well done, I know this is not what you would normally write so I very much appreciate your participation, and I wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thank you; you are very kind.
Comment from PUPA
Hi Alvin,
You said it, it is a 'tasteful' erotic poem. It captivated my attention right from the start. Descriptive, emerging a lot of sensuality of lust, but also psyche, mind and soul, that is the interesting part.
Great rhyme and rhythm throughout.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Hi Alvin,
You said it, it is a 'tasteful' erotic poem. It captivated my attention right from the start. Descriptive, emerging a lot of sensuality of lust, but also psyche, mind and soul, that is the interesting part.
Great rhyme and rhythm throughout.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thank you; you are most generous.
Comment from luna
Al, I don't often read poems that are "behind the screen" but because it was you, I read this. This was tastefully done and well written. I wish I could get the iambic pentameter down like you have. I just can't seem to do it. You told a tender but lustful story. Good read.
All the best,
Jenny *smile*
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Al, I don't often read poems that are "behind the screen" but because it was you, I read this. This was tastefully done and well written. I wish I could get the iambic pentameter down like you have. I just can't seem to do it. You told a tender but lustful story. Good read.
All the best,
Jenny *smile*
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from eyesonly
Very tasteful indeed, I don't normally read this kind of poetry, but in your mentioning its tastefulness I was intrigued. I found this to be a very lovely piece for an erotic poem, and I see no room for improvement!
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Very tasteful indeed, I don't normally read this kind of poetry, but in your mentioning its tastefulness I was intrigued. I found this to be a very lovely piece for an erotic poem, and I see no room for improvement!
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 16-May-2009
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Thank you; you are very kind.
Comment from adewpearl
Alvin, you certainly have written quite the erotic story here - good rhyming quatrains with abab rhyming. I just have a couple of plot questions - why did she suspect the beat cop might be a fop? that seemed to come out of nowhere. And why is his use of oral sex Southern in nature? Guys up North do that too. LOL Overall, a good entry in the erotic poetry contest. Brooke
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Alvin, you certainly have written quite the erotic story here - good rhyming quatrains with abab rhyming. I just have a couple of plot questions - why did she suspect the beat cop might be a fop? that seemed to come out of nowhere. And why is his use of oral sex Southern in nature? Guys up North do that too. LOL Overall, a good entry in the erotic poetry contest. Brooke
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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It's West Hollywood (the Santa Anas?), remember? Often oral sex is used as preparation to get the man hard for intercourse, more so in the South, where oral sex isn't considered sex! Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Judian James
Well this certainly depicts lust!! You chose quatrains with an interesting rhyme pattern which added to the impact of the piece. A few lines brought a laugh, which was unexpected but made the piece more fun. well done
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Well this certainly depicts lust!! You chose quatrains with an interesting rhyme pattern which added to the impact of the piece. A few lines brought a laugh, which was unexpected but made the piece more fun. well done
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Thanks. Several people have said certain lines brought a laugh. Which ones? I can be funny and not even know it! Thanks for a great review.
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"hole" and "pole"
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Do you know how hard it is to find erotic rhymes? I think your erotica is mostly free verse, is it not? And yes, I think some humor is useful in a lusty situation...Thanks for a great review.
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Do you know how hard it is to find erotic rhymes? I think your erotica is mostly free verse, is it not? And yes, I think some humor is useful in a lusty situation...Thanks for a great review.
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Do you know how hard it is to find erotic rhymes? I think your erotica is mostly free verse, is it not? And yes, I think some humor is useful in a lusty situation...Thanks for a great review.
Comment from cheyennewy
Yikes, Al...I'll be right back as soon as I take a cold shower (smirk) This is very steamy but not smutty like some writes about sex and lust. I don't see the word 'fop' very often so good for you in using it.
There was no chance that it would now head south
This line bothered me. I know there aren't many words that rhyme with mouth but the line seems to poke out (pun unintended) and it ruins the line for me. Just me opinion and I'm sure no one else will agree. Your iambs are spot on and the words are sensual and erotic. Maybe you could replace 'mouth' with 'lips' just a thought...good luck in the contest...chey
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Yikes, Al...I'll be right back as soon as I take a cold shower (smirk) This is very steamy but not smutty like some writes about sex and lust. I don't see the word 'fop' very often so good for you in using it.
There was no chance that it would now head south
This line bothered me. I know there aren't many words that rhyme with mouth but the line seems to poke out (pun unintended) and it ruins the line for me. Just me opinion and I'm sure no one else will agree. Your iambs are spot on and the words are sensual and erotic. Maybe you could replace 'mouth' with 'lips' just a thought...good luck in the contest...chey
Comment Written 15-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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The only words that I could find that rhymed (which were a requirement) were "south" and "mouth." Thanks for a good review.
Comment from debskatz
Hi Alvin,
I like it, but I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping for a little gay man loving! However, still a darn good poem that yep, has me wanting that shower!! lol
Good luck in the contest!
smiles,
deb
I couldn't get the darn thing to take my reply so I'm doing it this way.
OK, I scrolled for days & couldn't find them. You've got a TON of stuff, ya know! If you get a chance, you could pm their urls to me & I can read them that way. I intend to go back & read more of your stuff. A lot of it looked really interesting!
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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Hi Alvin,
I like it, but I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping for a little gay man loving! However, still a darn good poem that yep, has me wanting that shower!! lol
Good luck in the contest!
smiles,
deb
I couldn't get the darn thing to take my reply so I'm doing it this way.
OK, I scrolled for days & couldn't find them. You've got a TON of stuff, ya know! If you get a chance, you could pm their urls to me & I can read them that way. I intend to go back & read more of your stuff. A lot of it looked really interesting!
Comment Written 14-May-2009
reply by the author on 15-May-2009
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People have been requested more het poems. But I am reading two gay ones tomorrow night--"Pup Tent Love" and "Deployment"--I think you would like them both (they're in my portfolio.) Thanks for a great review.
