Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Just In Case"A book of a mixture of stories
20 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
The beginning really sets the visual of the scene for the first story, but I was left fumbling to want to know what happened, did he call for help?
I got a little confused at the break, just after the pink cell phone was found, where I was in the story. I didn't realize they were three different stories until I got to the end and read the notes, and wasn't sure how related the three were. My mind wanted to link them together, if they were all the same person.
I enjoyed each story separately, as three separate stories, and the second and third story I followed from one to the other, but from first to second I was confused till I got to the end and seen they were three shorts.
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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The beginning really sets the visual of the scene for the first story, but I was left fumbling to want to know what happened, did he call for help?
I got a little confused at the break, just after the pink cell phone was found, where I was in the story. I didn't realize they were three different stories until I got to the end and read the notes, and wasn't sure how related the three were. My mind wanted to link them together, if they were all the same person.
I enjoyed each story separately, as three separate stories, and the second and third story I followed from one to the other, but from first to second I was confused till I got to the end and seen they were three shorts.
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Sorry for the confusion. They were meant to be three shorts playing on the words Just In Case or Justin Case. Just a crazy idea that popped into my head and I wrote it.
Thank you for reading and commenting. -- CC
Comment from kenorabug
I loved this. It flowed so nicely and kept my interest from start to finish. You have written a lot of beautiful sentences...
Along the roadside, the shell of an abandon car, partially covered by the blowing sand, reminds one of the dangers this scenic route can hold...
began to walk along the sidewalk, admiring the well-trimmed lawns and the brilliant splashes of color that adorned the gardens
One typo - hope you don't mind me pointing it out. I couldn't (possible) see
possibly.
Great job,
Rachel
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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I loved this. It flowed so nicely and kept my interest from start to finish. You have written a lot of beautiful sentences...
Along the roadside, the shell of an abandon car, partially covered by the blowing sand, reminds one of the dangers this scenic route can hold...
began to walk along the sidewalk, admiring the well-trimmed lawns and the brilliant splashes of color that adorned the gardens
One typo - hope you don't mind me pointing it out. I couldn't (possible) see
possibly.
Great job,
Rachel
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my writing. I spent an enjoyable afternoon writing about Justin Case and finding other people to enjoy it too is quite rewarding.
Thank you again. -- CC
Comment from Cairn Destop
Oh how I love a play on words. The second story with the kids was funny in the retelling, but I'm sure our main character had something else in his mind whenever he thought of those two. The others were also amusing and when you gave us the punchline with the character's name, I found myself laughing. No SPAG spotted while reading.
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Oh how I love a play on words. The second story with the kids was funny in the retelling, but I'm sure our main character had something else in his mind whenever he thought of those two. The others were also amusing and when you gave us the punchline with the character's name, I found myself laughing. No SPAG spotted while reading.
Comment Written 27-May-2009
reply by the author on 27-May-2009
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Thank you very much for reading and commenting. I spent an enjoyable afternoon with Justin Case and I'm pleased that others enjoyed it to.
Thanks you again. -- CC
Comment from Jnetgame
Excellent sory. You must have seen the same commercial on T.V. that I saw about Jusin Case. I like your play on words (I'm partial to those). Just a couple things to look at:
I couldn't possible (possibly) see through
After (Since the previous sentence starts with "After a", possibly change to "Upon quick inspection...") a quick inspection by the EMT.
Keep up the great work.
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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Excellent sory. You must have seen the same commercial on T.V. that I saw about Jusin Case. I like your play on words (I'm partial to those). Just a couple things to look at:
I couldn't possible (possibly) see through
After (Since the previous sentence starts with "After a", possibly change to "Upon quick inspection...") a quick inspection by the EMT.
Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 26-May-2009
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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Thank you for the suggestions and for reading the stories. Isn't it strange how some obscure commercial got me to spend all afternoon writing stories? Thank you again -- CC
Comment from MaureenC
CC, this is another excellent work you have produced. I love that is was just for your afternoon's 'amusement'. It is good and flows along at a smooth pace. Dialogue and description, believable.
Good pic too.
Well done
Maureen
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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CC, this is another excellent work you have produced. I love that is was just for your afternoon's 'amusement'. It is good and flows along at a smooth pace. Dialogue and description, believable.
Good pic too.
Well done
Maureen
Comment Written 26-May-2009
reply by the author on 26-May-2009
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Though I would have liked more sand, I thought the picture depicted a shanty (a very small shanty) so I chose it.
Have a nice day and thanks again -- CC
Comment from jojosug
Well you achieved your aim with the three stories. They had great imagery, were funny and a pleasure to read. A nice bit of frippery and humour.
Jo
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Well you achieved your aim with the three stories. They had great imagery, were funny and a pleasure to read. A nice bit of frippery and humour.
Jo
Comment Written 25-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Thank you for your comments and for reading my stories. I glad that you enjoyed them. Thanks again - CC
Comment from patwannabe
Begin Again, these are wonderful. You have three stories here that should be posted separately. I'm sure others will tell you the asme thing. They are very enjoyable to read. The name thingy on the end was a complete surprise and I think that's why you posted all three together. Clever. One spot I noticed: a freedom of solitaire should maybe read "solitary freedom". Solitaire is a card game. A couple suggestions that you don't have to use, just maybe consider in your next stories: show, don't tell. ex: Miles and miles of mountainous sand dunes dotted with brush and prickly cactus stretched out before me. ("can been seen" is passive). Another one: ...remnants of a long ago shanty (omit can be seen) nestle beneath... again, it's passive and says "yawn, ho hum". One more: My throat screams for (non-existent) refreshing (omit feeling of )cool water. The rest is marvelous. You paint wonderful word pictures and I could feel the reactions of all your people. (My mom told me about clean underwear, too :-) ). Thank you for reading my long review.
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Begin Again, these are wonderful. You have three stories here that should be posted separately. I'm sure others will tell you the asme thing. They are very enjoyable to read. The name thingy on the end was a complete surprise and I think that's why you posted all three together. Clever. One spot I noticed: a freedom of solitaire should maybe read "solitary freedom". Solitaire is a card game. A couple suggestions that you don't have to use, just maybe consider in your next stories: show, don't tell. ex: Miles and miles of mountainous sand dunes dotted with brush and prickly cactus stretched out before me. ("can been seen" is passive). Another one: ...remnants of a long ago shanty (omit can be seen) nestle beneath... again, it's passive and says "yawn, ho hum". One more: My throat screams for (non-existent) refreshing (omit feeling of )cool water. The rest is marvelous. You paint wonderful word pictures and I could feel the reactions of all your people. (My mom told me about clean underwear, too :-) ). Thank you for reading my long review.
Comment Written 25-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Thank you for taking the time to read my stories. It was just a "fancy" that hit me this afternoon. I heard a commercial with a guy called Justin Case and decided to expand.
I was re-reading the story again myself and already made a few of the changes you suggested. I appreciate any and all help that is offered.
Thank you again for your comments. -- CC
Comment from Zaphod
Very good. I figured it out at the end. Interesting little challenge. I found a couple of things I think could use some tightening up, but they are really suggestions of style not corrections, so this definitely warrents a five star rating.
enjoying the freedom of solitaire and the wide-open spaces. {A solitaire is either a gem, game, or bird. Try "Enjoying the solitary, wide-open spaces.}
blowing sand, speaks volumes of the dangers this scenic route can hold. {Reads rough with the "speaks volumes of dangers". Try, "reminds one of the dangers..." sometimes simple is better.}
throat screams for the refreshing (felling) [feeling] of cool water
With no signs of life (within miles), I fear {I think it reads better without. The reader knows the distances involved.}
and handed it to me, saying[,] "Just in Case!"
Really fun write. All the best.
Z
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Very good. I figured it out at the end. Interesting little challenge. I found a couple of things I think could use some tightening up, but they are really suggestions of style not corrections, so this definitely warrents a five star rating.
enjoying the freedom of solitaire and the wide-open spaces. {A solitaire is either a gem, game, or bird. Try "Enjoying the solitary, wide-open spaces.}
blowing sand, speaks volumes of the dangers this scenic route can hold. {Reads rough with the "speaks volumes of dangers". Try, "reminds one of the dangers..." sometimes simple is better.}
throat screams for the refreshing (felling) [feeling] of cool water
With no signs of life (within miles), I fear {I think it reads better without. The reader knows the distances involved.}
and handed it to me, saying[,] "Just in Case!"
Really fun write. All the best.
Z
Comment Written 25-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Thank you for taking the time to read this bit of "play on words" that I amused myself with today. I certainly appreciate your comments and will make some adjustments to the story. Thanks again - CC
Comment from dportwood
Admittedly, I was a bit perplexed until I read your notes, then everything became clear and I appreciate what you have done. Each little story had its own mystery, situation, and resolution.
I did notice two things that need attention:
shell of an abandon car
('abondon' should be 'abandoned'.
the refreshing felling of cool water
(I think 'felling' should be 'feeling'.
Duane
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reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Admittedly, I was a bit perplexed until I read your notes, then everything became clear and I appreciate what you have done. Each little story had its own mystery, situation, and resolution.
I did notice two things that need attention:
shell of an abandon car
('abondon' should be 'abandoned'.
the refreshing felling of cool water
(I think 'felling' should be 'feeling'.
Duane
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Thank you for your comments. I was just re-reading and spotted the (felling) but still missed (abondon). Thank you for catching that for me.
Thanks for your comments. All help is greatly appreciated. -- CC
Comment from gauntlet
Grammatically, I thought this story was well written, but the stories to me, were not very cohesive. Also, the play on words fell a bit flat to me. I would suggest tying the stories together more cohesively or just sticking with one of them and telling it in more detail.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Grammatically, I thought this story was well written, but the stories to me, were not very cohesive. Also, the play on words fell a bit flat to me. I would suggest tying the stories together more cohesively or just sticking with one of them and telling it in more detail.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2009
reply by the author on 25-May-2009
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Thank you for taking the time to read my stories. I was simply making a play on words to amuse myself today. I appreciate your comments. -- CC