Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Hidden Beneath The Pain"A book of a mixture of stories
34 total reviews
Comment from bjt6
This is a very powerful story. Do you have any experience with psychiatric hospital patients? Because you describe Chandra/Raven and the hospital setting very well. You seem to really know how doctors and nurses ACTUALLY treat patients those places. It's very horrible. They can be so demeaning, treating one as if one is an idiot.
This story really touched me. The ending comes as a surprise, but a good one. There is hope in the end. Great contest entry and creative use of "Haven."
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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This is a very powerful story. Do you have any experience with psychiatric hospital patients? Because you describe Chandra/Raven and the hospital setting very well. You seem to really know how doctors and nurses ACTUALLY treat patients those places. It's very horrible. They can be so demeaning, treating one as if one is an idiot.
This story really touched me. The ending comes as a surprise, but a good one. There is hope in the end. Great contest entry and creative use of "Haven."
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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bjt6 Thank you so much for your kind review. I have had several elderly family members end up in a nursing home and my daughter works in the field...the horror stories are horrendous. She finally left to work in a medical office and is about to get her masters...Thank you for your kind and generous review. I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
A beautiful little story. It's sad to know that there are those caring for the mentally disturbed that are only in it for the paycheck. I did find one thing, well actually two.
smiled and extended my hand toward her. To my surprise, she clasped her fingers around my hand and nodded her head.(to hands too close together. I suggest changing one, or merely saying the clasped her fingers around mine and nodded her head.) The other one is the two coffee's so close together.
I loved the ending. A soul saved by a caring person. It was beautifully written.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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A beautiful little story. It's sad to know that there are those caring for the mentally disturbed that are only in it for the paycheck. I did find one thing, well actually two.
smiled and extended my hand toward her. To my surprise, she clasped her fingers around my hand and nodded her head.(to hands too close together. I suggest changing one, or merely saying the clasped her fingers around mine and nodded her head.) The other one is the two coffee's so close together.
I loved the ending. A soul saved by a caring person. It was beautifully written.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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fictionwriter...Thanks for catching those for me. I wrote this just before deadline (My brain wouldn't work before then) so I am lucky it is not worse. I will adjust and thank you again. Carol
Comment from apelle
Excellent story telling !
It kept me hooked throughout which can only mean you have areal talent for story telling !
Your characters are very well developed and the dialog is perfect for the flow of the story
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Excellent story telling !
It kept me hooked throughout which can only mean you have areal talent for story telling !
Your characters are very well developed and the dialog is perfect for the flow of the story
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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apelle...Thank you for the most generous compliment. I am glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from Nanny 6
I am very impressed with your descriptive writing, I could picture the story as if I was actually there. This was most interesting and left me wishing for more....Good luck in the contest! Judy
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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I am very impressed with your descriptive writing, I could picture the story as if I was actually there. This was most interesting and left me wishing for more....Good luck in the contest! Judy
Comment Written 22-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Judy...Thank you for your kind review. Four or five reviewers have suggested this would be a good book if expanded. I never thought about it when I was writing it (at deadline). I an glad you enjoyed it. I appreciate your comments very much. Thanks again Carol
Comment from IndianaIrish
Carol, this story and your wonderful character just screams to be a book!! I enjoyed this from the start and you tell Raven's story so well...but makes me want to know much more about her. Excellent job!
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Carol, this story and your wonderful character just screams to be a book!! I enjoyed this from the start and you tell Raven's story so well...but makes me want to know much more about her. Excellent job!
Indy :>)
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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indianaIrish...You are the fifth person to tell me that this should be written into a book. Strange thing about it was that I really had to struggle last night to get it down and then all of a sudden before the deadline the thoughts just jumped out. I don't know if that was good or bad, but everyone seems to enjoy it. Thanks for the kind review. I really appreciate it. Thanks again. Carol
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You're very welcome, Carol. It's a captivating character and story.
Comment from samuelbrody
Carol... I don't know what to say. Though never speechless, I really wonder if justice could be done to this work in a few sentences on a computer screen. My respect and admiration for your gift in the craft of story telling has risen, well, it's risen to the nth degree of however high respect and admiration can rise too. I was there, in the hospital, my heart beating with compassion for Chandra; my negative emotions palpatating faster and faster for Amy... the cold-hearted bitch.
My dear, would that I could sit at your feet being mentored in fiction writing craftsmanship. You story was alive with so many emotions I'll not take the time to list them all, and even though I knew where the story was headed, still I was mesmerized by the colorfullness of your story telling. Your detail, dialogue, scene creation and setup are all exceptional. So very, very well done. Michael.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Carol... I don't know what to say. Though never speechless, I really wonder if justice could be done to this work in a few sentences on a computer screen. My respect and admiration for your gift in the craft of story telling has risen, well, it's risen to the nth degree of however high respect and admiration can rise too. I was there, in the hospital, my heart beating with compassion for Chandra; my negative emotions palpatating faster and faster for Amy... the cold-hearted bitch.
My dear, would that I could sit at your feet being mentored in fiction writing craftsmanship. You story was alive with so many emotions I'll not take the time to list them all, and even though I knew where the story was headed, still I was mesmerized by the colorfullness of your story telling. Your detail, dialogue, scene creation and setup are all exceptional. So very, very well done. Michael.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Michael...Your review was awesome and I am simply blown away. That my writing could effect you or anyone in such an awesome manner is more than any writer could ever ask for. I am simply amazed! Thank you for your very generous words and of course, the stars. Your gracious comments mean more to me than a bucket full of stars. Thank you.
Always your friend, Carol
Comment from Helen Tan
I like your story line and the play on the word Haven as in returning to a safe place, home, a haven or returning to the arms of her sister, Haven.
I was not sure why Raven ended up chained in a drug house and would have like more on that aspect. I would have thought most of them would roam freely in the drug house.
I've left some suggestions for you to consider, hope they will be of some help. Good luck in the contest.
but I had heard the stories about Chandra several times already
Delete "already", it's implied in "had heard".
the patient or their suffering.
"the patientS" as it's "their".
and nodded her head
Delete "her head", it's implied in "nodded"
She looked so sad, standing there staring out at the lake.
An alternative to consider, "She stood forlorn, staring at the lake."
rummaged through the cotton underwear
underwearS...
Chandra's eyes met mine one for a second,
Delete "one" it's implied in "mine"
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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I like your story line and the play on the word Haven as in returning to a safe place, home, a haven or returning to the arms of her sister, Haven.
I was not sure why Raven ended up chained in a drug house and would have like more on that aspect. I would have thought most of them would roam freely in the drug house.
I've left some suggestions for you to consider, hope they will be of some help. Good luck in the contest.
but I had heard the stories about Chandra several times already
Delete "already", it's implied in "had heard".
the patient or their suffering.
"the patientS" as it's "their".
and nodded her head
Delete "her head", it's implied in "nodded"
She looked so sad, standing there staring out at the lake.
An alternative to consider, "She stood forlorn, staring at the lake."
rummaged through the cotton underwear
underwearS...
Chandra's eyes met mine one for a second,
Delete "one" it's implied in "mine"
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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When her parents were murdered, they kidnapped Raven and sold her to their drug patrons. Thus the reason she went wild when someone tried to touch her. I was limited for word count so it was difficult to include everything. Thank you for your kind and generous words. I appreciate it very much. Carol
Comment from eliz100
You have written a very good story. I have one issue with the logic of the story. If as you say Chandra was found chained to a bed and then on a psych ward. It seems to me she would have never managed to keep the locket. One idea is it could be something she draws in are therapy or describes to the nurse. I am a psych NP and I have worked on a number of psych wards as an RN.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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You have written a very good story. I have one issue with the logic of the story. If as you say Chandra was found chained to a bed and then on a psych ward. It seems to me she would have never managed to keep the locket. One idea is it could be something she draws in are therapy or describes to the nurse. I am a psych NP and I have worked on a number of psych wards as an RN.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Eliz...
I assume that in real life, she wouldn't be able to keep any personal possessions, though I find that incredible that a hospital would take your last piece of reality away from you. But in writing, I guess I decided to smidge a little for the sake of the story. Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate lyour comments. Carol
Comment from allinmyhead
You have a talent for creating well-rounded characters and for writing crisp, believable dialogue. The story moves along very smoothly. Your story-telling style is very natural and clean. This story can stand alone as a short or could easily could be used as a chapter in a larger work. There is much more that could be said about Chandra/Haven's story.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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You have a talent for creating well-rounded characters and for writing crisp, believable dialogue. The story moves along very smoothly. Your story-telling style is very natural and clean. This story can stand alone as a short or could easily could be used as a chapter in a larger work. There is much more that could be said about Chandra/Haven's story.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Allinmyhead...
Iam beginning to believe this is some kind of omen. I couldn't get this story out of my head, but I struggled to get it on paper. Beat the deadline by a few minutes. Now four or five people have suggested that I expand it further or write a book. Thanks so much for the compliments and the nice review. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from Carol D Parker
Very interesting story. You wrote it extremely well. Perfect words. Easy to understand. No excess words. tight and clean with clear declarative sentences. I'd say this is excellent.
Good luck
Delora
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Very interesting story. You wrote it extremely well. Perfect words. Easy to understand. No excess words. tight and clean with clear declarative sentences. I'd say this is excellent.
Good luck
Delora
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Delora
Thank you for the awesome review. I greatly appreciate that you liked the story line. I was a difficult one for me to put on paper for some reason so I'm glad it came out okay for the reader. Thanks again - Carol