There's a Light Up Ahead
Will I get there first?33 total reviews
Comment from Leigh Ann
Good flow and pace. It almost felt like I was watching a movie scene. The picture really doesn't go with the piece in my opinion. But that's no point against your writing. It is really good. Thanks.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Good flow and pace. It almost felt like I was watching a movie scene. The picture really doesn't go with the piece in my opinion. But that's no point against your writing. It is really good. Thanks.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Leigh Ann, thank you for your warm and kind review on this little story of intrigue. I liked the artwork, as it did set up the intrigue along with the suspense. I am pleased you enjoyed the story itself, as I can only claim kudos for those. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Cali Girl
Awesome story. Brilliant ending. Not where I thought that story was going at all. I couldn't stop reading this story. You did very well to write such a great, heart stopping story inside 200 words.
Well done, and good luck with it.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Awesome story. Brilliant ending. Not where I thought that story was going at all. I couldn't stop reading this story. You did very well to write such a great, heart stopping story inside 200 words.
Well done, and good luck with it.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Cali, thank you for your warm and kind review on this little story of intrigue. I am pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Hey Marijke---thanks for letting me know in such fine detail about the changes you amde.
HUGS, rd
First review (FOUR stars)
Outstanding twist in the end- You build up suspense tension brilliantly. Good work on plot and characters. No spags or nits except since this is flash, there are just a few places you might trim filler words, like 'the'--below, I will CAP words I think you can safely omit.
Also noting small spag nits--
My stomach scrapes THE ground as I crawl under the fence. Storm clouds shroud the moon, and THE cold wind whips hair into my face.
Ahead(,) I see a cottage, its light a welcome sight.
HE'S PLAYING WITH ME. (This is already inferred)
My heart pounds,(;) my legs ache. I'm out of breath.
His kiss lingers ON MY LIPS and I melt as he carries me into our honeymoon cottage.
Brilliant entry---just needs a bit of fine tuning to be top notch flash.
Wamrly, rd
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Second review
Hey Marijke---thanks for letting me know in such fine detail about the changes you amde.
HUGS, rd
First review (FOUR stars)
Outstanding twist in the end- You build up suspense tension brilliantly. Good work on plot and characters. No spags or nits except since this is flash, there are just a few places you might trim filler words, like 'the'--below, I will CAP words I think you can safely omit.
Also noting small spag nits--
My stomach scrapes THE ground as I crawl under the fence. Storm clouds shroud the moon, and THE cold wind whips hair into my face.
Ahead(,) I see a cottage, its light a welcome sight.
HE'S PLAYING WITH ME. (This is already inferred)
My heart pounds,(;) my legs ache. I'm out of breath.
His kiss lingers ON MY LIPS and I melt as he carries me into our honeymoon cottage.
Brilliant entry---just needs a bit of fine tuning to be top notch flash.
Wamrly, rd
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi rama, thank you for your kind review and your advice in relation to this story. I am pleased you enjoyed. I have made some changes, but don't quite agree on all the changes you have suggested. I would like to explain why as I do value your constructive critisims, and have much respect for your knowledge:
My stomach scrapes THE (I have left this one in. 'scrapes ground' sounds forced to me) ground as I crawl under the fence. Storm clouds shroud the moon, and THE (Ihave removed this one, and agree, it workds well) cold wind whips hair into my face.
Ahead(,) (Yes, have added comma)
HE'S PLAYING WITH ME. (This is already inferred) (I've left this in. I believe it sets the reader on the wrong path, but it also implies it could be something different - a husband playing with his wife).
My heart pounds,(;) (done)
His kiss lingers ON MY LIPS (Left this in - otherwise his kiss could linger on other parts of the body - I specifically wanted to convey a lovers' kiss).
Again, thank you so much for your feedback, it is much appreciated. Warmest regards my friend, Marijke
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Marijke---Thanks so much for your wonderfully in depth reply and I appreciate your kind and supportive words. I agree with your choices too. I think you are especially right about the LIPS part.
Often the suggestions I make that are not related to spag or form issues are just thoughts to consider and do not affect the rating.
Since spag is fixed, the rating shoots up to five and thanks again for your very gracious response to my review.
Warm hugs,
rd
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Thank you rd, I always appreciate your input. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from vickib
Super! Love that little adventure to the lannding. I tried one of these and by the time I got rid of all the extra to get it in the 200, It wasn't good anymore, so I'm saying you are talented to get this much action into 200 words. I'm just going to read them and enjoy. Vicki
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Super! Love that little adventure to the lannding. I tried one of these and by the time I got rid of all the extra to get it in the 200, It wasn't good anymore, so I'm saying you are talented to get this much action into 200 words. I'm just going to read them and enjoy. Vicki
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Vicki, thank you for that lovely review and your very generous rating. Warmest regards, my friend.
Marijke
Comment from nora arjuna
hi marijke, thanks for joining the contest. first of all, your type of post should be Flash Fiction, not just fiction. you have a nice story here, a great twist, tight writing, just one thing, it isn't exactly horror. anyway, i enjoyed the read and the surprise. good luck!
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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hi marijke, thanks for joining the contest. first of all, your type of post should be Flash Fiction, not just fiction. you have a nice story here, a great twist, tight writing, just one thing, it isn't exactly horror. anyway, i enjoyed the read and the surprise. good luck!
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Nora. Thank you for that generous review and rating. Yes, I acknowledge it wasn't horror, but it was a thriller (in the prompt it stated: Write a short flash fiction story between 100 to 200 words based on one of the following themes. The category should be horror/thriller:
Thus I went for 'thriller'.
I have fixed the 'flash fiction' post type. Didn't even realise that was there.
Thanks for organising this contest, and for reading and reviewing. Warmest regards, my friend. Marijke
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hm, i guess that's ok. a different kind of thrill. :)
Comment from Begin Again
Marijke,
A very nice twist to your thriller...Raising the adrenaline while your characters are really just playing a game. Nice catch!
CArol
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Marijke,
A very nice twist to your thriller...Raising the adrenaline while your characters are really just playing a game. Nice catch!
CArol
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Carol, pleased you enjoyed this, and thank you for your generous review and rating. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
Comment from marion
HI there fionageorge. I like the abrupt twist in this - good flash fiction. More the style I like. Fast, no words minced or no words in excess. Hence - word perfect and leaving a good taste in your mouth when you have finished reading. Marion.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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HI there fionageorge. I like the abrupt twist in this - good flash fiction. More the style I like. Fast, no words minced or no words in excess. Hence - word perfect and leaving a good taste in your mouth when you have finished reading. Marion.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Marion, pleased you enjoyed this, and thank you for your generous review and rating. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
Comment from Sandollar
This was an excellent story. The suspense started early and kept up all the way through. I loved the format you wrote in. It added to the suspense and scary parts. One small thing. Last line.
His kiss lingers on my lips and I melt as her carries me into our honeymoon cottage. (... as he carries me into our honeymoon cottage.)
This should do well in the contest. Good luck.
Sandollar
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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This was an excellent story. The suspense started early and kept up all the way through. I loved the format you wrote in. It added to the suspense and scary parts. One small thing. Last line.
His kiss lingers on my lips and I melt as her carries me into our honeymoon cottage. (... as he carries me into our honeymoon cottage.)
This should do well in the contest. Good luck.
Sandollar
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Sandollar, pleased you enjoyed this, and thank you for your generous review and rating. I have fixed the 'her' 'he'. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
Comment from patmedium
WHAT? ....WHAZZAT? ....
Marijke... I never suspected you were inclined in any other direction but straight!
WELL! You do live and learn in this place!!!!!!!
'I melt as her carries me'
Pat. xxxxxx
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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WHAT? ....WHAZZAT? ....
Marijke... I never suspected you were inclined in any other direction but straight!
WELL! You do live and learn in this place!!!!!!!
'I melt as her carries me'
Pat. xxxxxx
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Straight? Me? Where did you hear that rumour? For me to know and you to find out!
Thanks for your fun review and generous rating on this bit of a thriller (in more ways than one?).
Warmest regards, Marijke xxxxxxxx
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Nice for me to have a morning chuckle, dear! pat. xxx
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Mari:)
Horror or terror? A bit feigned perhaps, but for the unsuspecting reader, it makes the adrenalin race through the veins. In the end it is the created effect that creates the mood.
With just the few allotted words you have created intense suspense.
Not a bit of SPAG, not a wasted word. This should be a winner. Good luck!
Roger
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Mari:)
Horror or terror? A bit feigned perhaps, but for the unsuspecting reader, it makes the adrenalin race through the veins. In the end it is the created effect that creates the mood.
With just the few allotted words you have created intense suspense.
Not a bit of SPAG, not a wasted word. This should be a winner. Good luck!
Roger
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Probably more thriller than either of the above. Thanks for your kind words, if it made the adrenalin race, that's good! Warmest regards, Roger.
Marijke