The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Red Dress chapter twenty one"The story of a teenage girl
14 total reviews
Comment from MumEsGirl
Good chapter. I thought Richard was just a little too smarmy. Cant see him keeping a secret for very long.
You have worked well with Alan's jealousy and insecurity. Bring on the next one, cant wait to meet Carla
kate
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Good chapter. I thought Richard was just a little too smarmy. Cant see him keeping a secret for very long.
You have worked well with Alan's jealousy and insecurity. Bring on the next one, cant wait to meet Carla
kate
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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You have no idea how much your encouragement keeps me going! Nah, Richards a good guy, always there as a pal...until... Alexis x
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Can I borrow him lol
kate
Comment from axelbeariter
Hopefully, now he knew, Richard wouldn't do anything to upset Alan and make him feel jealous./Put that after now before he----She comes back from Spain in ten days time/Drop time; use ten days---- Unbeknown to Lisa Alan/Use: Unbeknown to Lisa, Alan ----relieved to see Lisa was waiting for him/Drop was----She was standing with her back to him/Use active voice: She stood with her back to him----had proved it./proven is more succinct----Another great chapter, particularly without all those !s. Youbeariter now.
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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Hopefully, now he knew, Richard wouldn't do anything to upset Alan and make him feel jealous./Put that after now before he----She comes back from Spain in ten days time/Drop time; use ten days---- Unbeknown to Lisa Alan/Use: Unbeknown to Lisa, Alan ----relieved to see Lisa was waiting for him/Drop was----She was standing with her back to him/Use active voice: She stood with her back to him----had proved it./proven is more succinct----Another great chapter, particularly without all those !s. Youbeariter now.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2012
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My thanks again for your input, I don't know where I'd be without it. I just have to go back to the beginning and go on (!) patrol. It's strange, a bit like learning a new language when you stop translating the language, and just start 'thinking' it instead. Hopefully I'll get it by the time the books finished. Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
Okay, I didn't read it again word for word, my brain is conked also. But I found this:
the front door(,) Richard watched Lisa
and I found a couple of "thats" you need to chuck.
But I'm gonna believe that when you can, you'll fix them ornery things, so I'm giving ya the 5.
:-}
Hi alexis,
Hey, I'm liking Richard! I think I've forgiven him for just honking at them last chapter!! lol
Good chapter. Me think the plot thickens!
Found a good bit of spag, darn ya! :
To make matters worse(,) he now
As she moved(,) Alan thought
At the end of the dance(,) Lisa excused herself
While she'd been dancing with Richard(,) she'd looked
Unbeknown to Lisa(,) Alan had
way out to the terrace(,) where he
They sang (")Happy Birthday(")
the world (that) they were
He knew now (that) he couldn't live
until he felt (that) he could take
At one o'clock(,) Alan looked for Lisa
front of Lisa and Richard(,) obviously
have to go now, Alan(,) do you?"
You know the drill. Holler at me after you revise it & I'll review it again.
Really enjoyed this chapter. Looking forward to the next one!
smiles,
deb
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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Okay, I didn't read it again word for word, my brain is conked also. But I found this:
the front door(,) Richard watched Lisa
and I found a couple of "thats" you need to chuck.
But I'm gonna believe that when you can, you'll fix them ornery things, so I'm giving ya the 5.
:-}
Hi alexis,
Hey, I'm liking Richard! I think I've forgiven him for just honking at them last chapter!! lol
Good chapter. Me think the plot thickens!
Found a good bit of spag, darn ya! :
To make matters worse(,) he now
As she moved(,) Alan thought
At the end of the dance(,) Lisa excused herself
While she'd been dancing with Richard(,) she'd looked
Unbeknown to Lisa(,) Alan had
way out to the terrace(,) where he
They sang (")Happy Birthday(")
the world (that) they were
He knew now (that) he couldn't live
until he felt (that) he could take
At one o'clock(,) Alan looked for Lisa
front of Lisa and Richard(,) obviously
have to go now, Alan(,) do you?"
You know the drill. Holler at me after you revise it & I'll review it again.
Really enjoyed this chapter. Looking forward to the next one!
smiles,
deb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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Okay, you got me! After three hours editing, I lost the will to live and just posted it anyway! Apologies and thanks. Now all present and correct! Alexis x
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Go check out the review page! :-)
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Believe it or not, I think I found and eliminated them! I thought Aha! Debs didn't get that one! Regard me as os one of your most listening pupils! Alexis x
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LOL! I'm gonna take your word for it!! :-) xo
Comment from James McCorkle
You continue to add subtle little touches where jealousy pops up and creates a bit of confusion. So many different people trying to advance their own ideas of who should be with whom. All very intricate and generative to the continuing story. James
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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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You continue to add subtle little touches where jealousy pops up and creates a bit of confusion. So many different people trying to advance their own ideas of who should be with whom. All very intricate and generative to the continuing story. James
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
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As usual, your review is spot on James. I can't believe all the wonderful support I'm getting here. How's your girl? Love Alexis x
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She is still serenely lost in her own little bubble of a world, but remembers who I am. That pleases me very much. James.