Going to the Lake-edited
A son and his father go fishing- Please read notes15 total reviews
Comment from wan890
This is a lovely story. It is very well written and the main character is very sweet. I really enjoyed "Going to the Lake" and would like to read more.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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This is a lovely story. It is very well written and the main character is very sweet. I really enjoyed "Going to the Lake" and would like to read more.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thank you! I'm sure I'll write mote about the lake!
Comment from adewpearl
It was beautiful, of course, but - add commas
At least every hour, I - drop comma
Being fourteen already, my dad - misplaced modifier - dad is not 14
standstill - all one word
my Mother chimed - drop the capital M
while Mom carried the radio - add the capital M
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue
uncles and cousins, but that - I added the comma
great day for fishing, but - add comma
just Enough to move - enough
the water was it's usual dark - drop the apostrophe
The girl looked up at me. I turned - I used a period instead of a comma
My door creaked open. I could see - I used a period
so he didn't have to Rough up - rough
How bout one more time, for good measure? - add question mark
A fun story with good character development and an engaging narrative voice :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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It was beautiful, of course, but - add commas
At least every hour, I - drop comma
Being fourteen already, my dad - misplaced modifier - dad is not 14
standstill - all one word
my Mother chimed - drop the capital M
while Mom carried the radio - add the capital M
Excellent use of natural-sounding dialogue
uncles and cousins, but that - I added the comma
great day for fishing, but - add comma
just Enough to move - enough
the water was it's usual dark - drop the apostrophe
The girl looked up at me. I turned - I used a period instead of a comma
My door creaked open. I could see - I used a period
so he didn't have to Rough up - rough
How bout one more time, for good measure? - add question mark
A fun story with good character development and an engaging narrative voice :-) Brooke
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much for the help!
Comment from phill doran
Hello there
Thank you for the read;
You need to have a look at some of the spelling;
For example "...lauphed and lauphed..." and "...rouph up...", or "...enouph..."
I think 'cast' would be the correct past tense rather than 'casted'.
And some of the punctuation (bout, should be given as 'bout - again, just an example.)
As a general guide for you, try to reduce the number so times you use "I" - it may be difficult but it will bring more out of you if you develeop it as a technique. Consider this line you have;
"...I sat back down, defeated and mad. Soon enouph, traffic started moving and I became excited all over again. Laying my head back, I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster...."
As a narrative, the story must clearly be about you, so using "I" four times in one string is maybe unnecessary.
"...I sat back down, defeated and mad. Soon enough, traffic started moving and becoming excited all over again, I lay my head back, deciding that to sleep would make the trip go faster...." Same sentiment with longer sentences and less use of "I" - just an idea - it may help you
I wish you well.
phill
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Hello there
Thank you for the read;
You need to have a look at some of the spelling;
For example "...lauphed and lauphed..." and "...rouph up...", or "...enouph..."
I think 'cast' would be the correct past tense rather than 'casted'.
And some of the punctuation (bout, should be given as 'bout - again, just an example.)
As a general guide for you, try to reduce the number so times you use "I" - it may be difficult but it will bring more out of you if you develeop it as a technique. Consider this line you have;
"...I sat back down, defeated and mad. Soon enouph, traffic started moving and I became excited all over again. Laying my head back, I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster...."
As a narrative, the story must clearly be about you, so using "I" four times in one string is maybe unnecessary.
"...I sat back down, defeated and mad. Soon enough, traffic started moving and becoming excited all over again, I lay my head back, deciding that to sleep would make the trip go faster...." Same sentiment with longer sentences and less use of "I" - just an idea - it may help you
I wish you well.
phill
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much for the help, it's been really hard trying to figure out how to use less i's!
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Very good story and well written. Lots of fun to read, but for the overuse of misplaced commas... luckily for you, I don't take points off for spag, as I'm an editor, not a proofreader. And this story is a good one.
But now I'm gonna put on my proofreader cap.
Here we go...
no need for this comma.... in the cramped, back seat
or this one.... our old blue, bass fishing boat
or this.... I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster
or... the ancient, wooden screen door
or... I wondered, if she was afraid to get it wet.
or... Inside the safe area ,were two girls
or... water was it's usual dark blueish, green with no white caps in sight
or.... feeling like it was owed to me, since I helped
I'm gonna stop now cuz all this comma catching has got me beat! Hope you've learned from it.
The air got cooler the closer I became to the water... SHOULD READ... the air got cooler as I approached the water, or the closer I got to the water.
... It was a great day for fishing. Although, my dad always said that rainy mornings were good for fishing too.... NOPE... This sentence should read: It was a great day for fishing, but my dad always said that rainy mornings were good for fishing too.
lauphed,...???
This is a great story and quite well-written, aside from the SPAG. You've got real storytelling talent, so do yourself and your readers a big favor and please take the time and learn the proper use of punctuation.
Hope this was helpful. Keep going.
Cheers!
js
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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Very good story and well written. Lots of fun to read, but for the overuse of misplaced commas... luckily for you, I don't take points off for spag, as I'm an editor, not a proofreader. And this story is a good one.
But now I'm gonna put on my proofreader cap.
Here we go...
no need for this comma.... in the cramped, back seat
or this one.... our old blue, bass fishing boat
or this.... I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster
or... the ancient, wooden screen door
or... I wondered, if she was afraid to get it wet.
or... Inside the safe area ,were two girls
or... water was it's usual dark blueish, green with no white caps in sight
or.... feeling like it was owed to me, since I helped
I'm gonna stop now cuz all this comma catching has got me beat! Hope you've learned from it.
The air got cooler the closer I became to the water... SHOULD READ... the air got cooler as I approached the water, or the closer I got to the water.
... It was a great day for fishing. Although, my dad always said that rainy mornings were good for fishing too.... NOPE... This sentence should read: It was a great day for fishing, but my dad always said that rainy mornings were good for fishing too.
lauphed,...???
This is a great story and quite well-written, aside from the SPAG. You've got real storytelling talent, so do yourself and your readers a big favor and please take the time and learn the proper use of punctuation.
Hope this was helpful. Keep going.
Cheers!
js
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, I really appreciate the help as I've never taken writing course. I've also been told to use more commas and was asked if I was allergic to them!
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It's not about more or less, it's about proper usage. Most people use too many and most writers, including some very good ones tend to overuse and misuse em so don't feel bad. Think as a comma as an abbreviated "and" and use accordingly. My rule of thumb is when in doubt, omit.
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It's not about more or less, it's about proper usage. Most people use too many and most writers, including some very good ones tend to overuse and misuse em so don't feel bad. Think as a comma as an abbreviated "and" and use accordingly. My rule of thumb is when in doubt, omit.
Comment from samandlancelot
I guess you had two embarrassing moments (the girls & the slime). That must have taken a lot of control to keep from breaking that fishing pole.
excited all over again. Laying my head back, I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster. (It seems like it would be difficult to sleep while you are excited.)
"Wake up, we're here!" my Mother chimed. (Even though you were excited, you still went to sleep. I think it would be good to slow this trip down a bit & share a dream you are in the middle of when your mother wakes you up.)
However, we did play games with my aunts, uncles and cousins but that wasn't until supper was eaten and the dishes were washed. (When did your aunts, uncles & cousins arrive? Or were they already there? Either way, you need to introduce your reader to the characters in your story).
The air got cooler the closer I became (change 'became' to 'got') to the water
Forgetting my embarrassment, I followed me (my) dad outdoors
I hooked (a lure) on it on (delete 'on') perfectly and
My dad lauphed and lauphed, (laughed)
Patricia
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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I guess you had two embarrassing moments (the girls & the slime). That must have taken a lot of control to keep from breaking that fishing pole.
excited all over again. Laying my head back, I decided I would sleep, to make the trip go faster. (It seems like it would be difficult to sleep while you are excited.)
"Wake up, we're here!" my Mother chimed. (Even though you were excited, you still went to sleep. I think it would be good to slow this trip down a bit & share a dream you are in the middle of when your mother wakes you up.)
However, we did play games with my aunts, uncles and cousins but that wasn't until supper was eaten and the dishes were washed. (When did your aunts, uncles & cousins arrive? Or were they already there? Either way, you need to introduce your reader to the characters in your story).
The air got cooler the closer I became (change 'became' to 'got') to the water
Forgetting my embarrassment, I followed me (my) dad outdoors
I hooked (a lure) on it on (delete 'on') perfectly and
My dad lauphed and lauphed, (laughed)
Patricia
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the input!
