The Jersey Hoard
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Jersey Hoard."A Historical Puzzle
25 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
You have written what I believe is a highly plausible explanation to the discovery, and you've done it with authentic voice, in my mind. It's a very exciting read, the pacing excellent, the descriptions marvelous and the dialogue fitting. I visualized each scene as I read it. Well done.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
  |
You have written what I believe is a highly plausible explanation to the discovery, and you've done it with authentic voice, in my mind. It's a very exciting read, the pacing excellent, the descriptions marvelous and the dialogue fitting. I visualized each scene as I read it. Well done.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Dawn, for your kind review and taking the time. Glad you liked it...Mel.
Comment from Eric Corsten
Very very interesting style of writing and topic I enjoyed the read very much. There was enough in every paragraph to keep me entertained..
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
Very very interesting style of writing and topic I enjoyed the read very much. There was enough in every paragraph to keep me entertained..
Comment Written 07-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Eric, for your kind review...Mel.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
What a fascinating story. I had never heard of this find, and it was just this summer! Thanks for posting this article about it. Whoever put it there never went back to use it, so they must have lost a battle and all been killed.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
What a fascinating story. I had never heard of this find, and it was just this summer! Thanks for posting this article about it. Whoever put it there never went back to use it, so they must have lost a battle and all been killed.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Phyllis, for taking the time to read my story. Yes something MUST have happened to leave it there like that...Mel.
Comment from c_lucas
The one part of the Celtic empire that little is known about. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
The one part of the Celtic empire that little is known about. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review. Yes little is known about this tribe...Mel.
Comment from visionary1234
I LOVE treasure hunts and treasure mysteries, so you have a lot of good raw material to work with here!! BUT at the moment, many of your sentences are long and needlessly convoluted, full of sentence "fragments" etc ... so it needs a lot more polishing. While I understand that you might like the longer sentence style, you need some commas in the correct places to make the meaning clear - at the moment, it's pretty hard to read. eg: below doesn't make any sense at all in its present form
Pitching camp in Unelli territory his legions vastly outnumbered were taunted and insulted for days, until he tricked the Unelli warriors into battle to their disadvantage.
a suggestion, but you probably want to change it of course ... but roughly:
He pitches camp in Unelli territory, his legions vastly outnumbered and constantly taunted and insulted. Finally, he tricks the Unelli warriors into battle, but only after making sure they are distinctly disadvantaged.
The gate is opened and four Roman soldiers escort a pretty Celtic lady out of camp(,) ready to take her back to her village nearby.
Meanwhile in Corseul. (Put it in italics if you must - it is not a sentence, so use ellipsis rather than a period)
A huge fearsome(huge fearsome? cliche - find something more original would be better?) looking(cliche again - way overused) man appears, dressed in a blue woollen breaches(breeches) and a cloak fastened with a large amber broach(brooch); 'filling the doorway'...
but it is the brown, hardened, leather armour he wore(wears - keep your tenses consistent - can't mix past & present - pick one, stick with it) under the cloak
This is a time of trouble, the Romans are coming.(2 separate sentences - a comma does not function as a period) I have known you all my life and there is not a man here that I would not trust. At this moment bags are being secretly filled from the town's coffers and loaded onto mules,(2 sentences again - not a comma - a full stop) we are to transport the entire town's wealth and deposit it in a place of safety away from the Romans. You are the best warriors we have and this is a great honour for you... I know that none of you will let me down; we have an important task to fulfil... You now know what it(delete "it") is required of you and what will happen if a word of this escapes from this room(are they in a room or outside?).(close your quotation marks - this is speech) Everyone is silent, as the words strike home...(open your quotation marks again) There will be rewards for all, afterwards."
At nearly forty years of age(,) he knows he will need to be careful(,) for he is getting old and starting to slow down. Not quite so eager for combat these days as he once was and these are dangerous times.(this is not a sentence ... give it a subject - so ... "He is not quite so eager for combat these days as he once was. These are dangerous times.")
A magical rune is intonated(intoned) for effect, and then she gives her recommendation of (??? awkward - we don't "recommend of") where to hide the treasure.
(open quotation marks)Yes(,) Caesar right away,"(Really? this is awfully wooden dialogue and I doubt the Romans would yet have coined 'right away' - rings false, not authentic? (period, end sentence, then start your new sentence) (He) he turns his horse towards the rear(,) where they await his orders.
two Cohors(cohorts?) (each of eighty men)
Caesar's army has been well paid recently,(delete ,) with the spoils of victory(,) after the dramatic defeat of the Unelli tribe. He(WHO are we talking about? by now, we've forgotten it's Caesar, as there is a lot of detail in between - we need to be reminded please) is pleased and is expecting substantial tribute from the Coriosilites(,) for he has heard that they are rich in pearls,( - ) something he has a liking for.
Shaking his head, he pictures the leader in his mind,(.) (start new sentence) (He is) a member of a wild looking(there's that "looking" word again - dead giveaway for amateur writers - find something else!) race, (this is obviously a tack-on detail, doesn't read well for flow - do you need it? or put it somewhere else???) typically with long greasy uncut hair and filthy matted beards
something he has a liking for. (don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Meanwhile a freshly bathed Julius Caesar walks outside through the tent entrance held open by two of his elite bodyguards, feeling a slight stiffness in his right shoulder, no one sees him as he lifts and rotates his arm in a circular motion two times. *(PREVIOUS SENTENCE WAYYYYY TOO LONG!! CUT IT UP INTO SHORTER SENTENCES - SAME WITH THE NEXT ONE!) In good health and wearing his new summer tunic so much lighter and comfortable than the winter one; he feels invincible. His favourite horse has been rushed to him from the temporary stables and is waiting for him.
There(,) the clan leader of this weak and apparently unorganised tribe awaits him (this doesn't work - way too stilted)
"I can see the treasure will be safe never to be disturbed... but speed is needed for I also see that the time grows short.(,)" (she)She drones on in her awful(really!??? find a unique word - awful is awful) way.
"One breath of this to anyone and you will be a head shorter... (hag)Hag!" (he)He warns her.
A WHOLE LOT OF WORK IS NEEDED TO WHIP THIS INTO SHAPE - BUT YOU HAVE SOME GOOD AND INTERESTING RAW MATERIALS!! READ IT ALOUD AFTER YOU'VE WRITTEN IT, AND IF IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING SOMEONE WOULD ACTUALLY SAY, DON'T WRITE IT, OK? Main thing to work on is shortening your sentences to say EXACTLY what you mean, with no wasted "fluff" words , ok?
:) Sharyn
**********
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
 |
I LOVE treasure hunts and treasure mysteries, so you have a lot of good raw material to work with here!! BUT at the moment, many of your sentences are long and needlessly convoluted, full of sentence "fragments" etc ... so it needs a lot more polishing. While I understand that you might like the longer sentence style, you need some commas in the correct places to make the meaning clear - at the moment, it's pretty hard to read. eg: below doesn't make any sense at all in its present form
Pitching camp in Unelli territory his legions vastly outnumbered were taunted and insulted for days, until he tricked the Unelli warriors into battle to their disadvantage.
a suggestion, but you probably want to change it of course ... but roughly:
He pitches camp in Unelli territory, his legions vastly outnumbered and constantly taunted and insulted. Finally, he tricks the Unelli warriors into battle, but only after making sure they are distinctly disadvantaged.
The gate is opened and four Roman soldiers escort a pretty Celtic lady out of camp(,) ready to take her back to her village nearby.
Meanwhile in Corseul. (Put it in italics if you must - it is not a sentence, so use ellipsis rather than a period)
A huge fearsome(huge fearsome? cliche - find something more original would be better?) looking(cliche again - way overused) man appears, dressed in a blue woollen breaches(breeches) and a cloak fastened with a large amber broach(brooch); 'filling the doorway'...
but it is the brown, hardened, leather armour he wore(wears - keep your tenses consistent - can't mix past & present - pick one, stick with it) under the cloak
This is a time of trouble, the Romans are coming.(2 separate sentences - a comma does not function as a period) I have known you all my life and there is not a man here that I would not trust. At this moment bags are being secretly filled from the town's coffers and loaded onto mules,(2 sentences again - not a comma - a full stop) we are to transport the entire town's wealth and deposit it in a place of safety away from the Romans. You are the best warriors we have and this is a great honour for you... I know that none of you will let me down; we have an important task to fulfil... You now know what it(delete "it") is required of you and what will happen if a word of this escapes from this room(are they in a room or outside?).(close your quotation marks - this is speech) Everyone is silent, as the words strike home...(open your quotation marks again) There will be rewards for all, afterwards."
At nearly forty years of age(,) he knows he will need to be careful(,) for he is getting old and starting to slow down. Not quite so eager for combat these days as he once was and these are dangerous times.(this is not a sentence ... give it a subject - so ... "He is not quite so eager for combat these days as he once was. These are dangerous times.")
A magical rune is intonated(intoned) for effect, and then she gives her recommendation of (??? awkward - we don't "recommend of") where to hide the treasure.
(open quotation marks)Yes(,) Caesar right away,"(Really? this is awfully wooden dialogue and I doubt the Romans would yet have coined 'right away' - rings false, not authentic? (period, end sentence, then start your new sentence) (He) he turns his horse towards the rear(,) where they await his orders.
two Cohors(cohorts?) (each of eighty men)
Caesar's army has been well paid recently,(delete ,) with the spoils of victory(,) after the dramatic defeat of the Unelli tribe. He(WHO are we talking about? by now, we've forgotten it's Caesar, as there is a lot of detail in between - we need to be reminded please) is pleased and is expecting substantial tribute from the Coriosilites(,) for he has heard that they are rich in pearls,( - ) something he has a liking for.
Shaking his head, he pictures the leader in his mind,(.) (start new sentence) (He is) a member of a wild looking(there's that "looking" word again - dead giveaway for amateur writers - find something else!) race, (this is obviously a tack-on detail, doesn't read well for flow - do you need it? or put it somewhere else???) typically with long greasy uncut hair and filthy matted beards
something he has a liking for. (don't end a sentence with a preposition)
Meanwhile a freshly bathed Julius Caesar walks outside through the tent entrance held open by two of his elite bodyguards, feeling a slight stiffness in his right shoulder, no one sees him as he lifts and rotates his arm in a circular motion two times. *(PREVIOUS SENTENCE WAYYYYY TOO LONG!! CUT IT UP INTO SHORTER SENTENCES - SAME WITH THE NEXT ONE!) In good health and wearing his new summer tunic so much lighter and comfortable than the winter one; he feels invincible. His favourite horse has been rushed to him from the temporary stables and is waiting for him.
There(,) the clan leader of this weak and apparently unorganised tribe awaits him (this doesn't work - way too stilted)
"I can see the treasure will be safe never to be disturbed... but speed is needed for I also see that the time grows short.(,)" (she)She drones on in her awful(really!??? find a unique word - awful is awful) way.
"One breath of this to anyone and you will be a head shorter... (hag)Hag!" (he)He warns her.
A WHOLE LOT OF WORK IS NEEDED TO WHIP THIS INTO SHAPE - BUT YOU HAVE SOME GOOD AND INTERESTING RAW MATERIALS!! READ IT ALOUD AFTER YOU'VE WRITTEN IT, AND IF IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING SOMEONE WOULD ACTUALLY SAY, DON'T WRITE IT, OK? Main thing to work on is shortening your sentences to say EXACTLY what you mean, with no wasted "fluff" words , ok?
:) Sharyn
**********
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
-
Hello Sharyn, it has taken me some time to get back to you.
I printed your instructions and went down the list. That is now completed.
I know you reviewed my last story "Sir William's Favour". This was intensely written and edited by me dozens and dozens of times over a ten week period. This work I'm almost happy with.
I started "Jersey Hoard" at about the same time this has been a kind of experiment for me, a different write, growing to five chapters. Written with a different mind set to S.W.F. Perhaps I should leave these stories on my lap top and keep going back to them so they may mature eventually like a fine wine...LOL.
I shall try and condense my writing to shorter sentences, I enjoy the challenge of different words, again like S.W.F.
It is interesting to see words that are considered "awful" and amateurish... I have re-written several parts and all of the para. "Shaking his head, he pictures the leader in his mind" introducing a little Roman humour (hopefully).
I haven't time to do more than apply band-aids to this writing.
Perhaps in the future you may see an improvement to my works.
It's reviews like this one, that keeps me focused and the main reason why I am a member of F.S.
I wish to thank you Sharyn, for the time you have taken and the interest you have shown in my writing. This is very much appreciated... Kind regards Mel.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a nice and interesting story about happenings in the ancient world. Such tales serve to remind us that most men that have worn the crown have been greedy and self-centred. I like the intrigues. well done
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
This is a nice and interesting story about happenings in the ancient world. Such tales serve to remind us that most men that have worn the crown have been greedy and self-centred. I like the intrigues. well done
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review, nothing changes, still the same today...Mel.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Interesting from a true historical and fictional viewpoint. I was reminded of the Welsh who tried to stand up to the Romans by using magic and ended up being slaughtered. I enjoy your narrative and look forward to reading more. Ray
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
Interesting from a true historical and fictional viewpoint. I was reminded of the Welsh who tried to stand up to the Romans by using magic and ended up being slaughtered. I enjoy your narrative and look forward to reading more. Ray
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Ray,for your kind review. There are 5 chapters written...Mel.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Such an interesting read! I have been a fan of "Asterix" and his sidekick Obelix for years - this piece of writing evokes that time perfectly - without the slapstick, of course!
Wonderful work - look forward to reading more!
p.s. this post could do with a re-read for commas at appropriate spots, and minor typos.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
Such an interesting read! I have been a fan of "Asterix" and his sidekick Obelix for years - this piece of writing evokes that time perfectly - without the slapstick, of course!
Wonderful work - look forward to reading more!
p.s. this post could do with a re-read for commas at appropriate spots, and minor typos.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Rfs, for reading my work for this I'm most grateful. The work goes on...Mel.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
write hand blue:
This appears to be the beginning of quite an interesting
historical event. I am doing a short piece for examiner.com
about a find of Union army artifacts in what was the
basement of a Fredericksburg, VA. One of the unanswered
questions is why any Union group would have been in an
area where the Union suffered one of its worst defeats.
Thanks for sharing
A small suggestion for you below
love,
jan
may have got there >>> may have gotten there
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
write hand blue:
This appears to be the beginning of quite an interesting
historical event. I am doing a short piece for examiner.com
about a find of Union army artifacts in what was the
basement of a Fredericksburg, VA. One of the unanswered
questions is why any Union group would have been in an
area where the Union suffered one of its worst defeats.
Thanks for sharing
A small suggestion for you below
love,
jan
may have got there >>> may have gotten there
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Jan, for your kind review and help...Mel.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, write hand blue, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter where the small town gets rid of its treasure so they won't be penniless when ceasar takes over
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
this is very well written, write hand blue, you did an excellent job writing this first chapter where the small town gets rid of its treasure so they won't be penniless when ceasar takes over
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review...Mel.Thank
