The Jersey Hoard
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Jersey Hoard."A Historical Puzzle
16 total reviews
Comment from unimatrix001
An excellent fiction of what might have been.
A few comments:
about us," impatient, Eudeyrn darts... - This is not a dialog tag, so it should be a separate sentence.
-
left and right; happy about the security he makes a decision. - Semi-colons are notrmally used to separate independant clauses. "happy about the security" is a dependant clause. Try a period instead of the semi-colon and a comma after the word "security".
-
"We have need to get rid ourselves of all the boats we can find," - This doesn't make sense. I suggest deleting the words "have" and "ourselves"
-
...pausing he looks at Kedehern in the eye.
"We hope... - These should be one paragragh. It is a continuation of the same dialog.
-
from your shores," after a pause. - this is not a dialog tag. I suggest "he said, after a pause."
-
"... I though all you Celts were eloquent. - thought, not though and you need an end quote here.
-
With a mouth filled with rags he utters his first noiseless scream. - Recommend "full of" to replace "filled with" to eliminate having two "with"s so close together. Need a comma after the word "rags". Also, the rags will not prevent him from making a sound. As long as he can breathe, he can make a sound. Recomend changing "noiseless" to "muffled".
You have a good story here. It just needs some polishing.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
   |
An excellent fiction of what might have been.
A few comments:
about us," impatient, Eudeyrn darts... - This is not a dialog tag, so it should be a separate sentence.
-
left and right; happy about the security he makes a decision. - Semi-colons are notrmally used to separate independant clauses. "happy about the security" is a dependant clause. Try a period instead of the semi-colon and a comma after the word "security".
-
"We have need to get rid ourselves of all the boats we can find," - This doesn't make sense. I suggest deleting the words "have" and "ourselves"
-
...pausing he looks at Kedehern in the eye.
"We hope... - These should be one paragragh. It is a continuation of the same dialog.
-
from your shores," after a pause. - this is not a dialog tag. I suggest "he said, after a pause."
-
"... I though all you Celts were eloquent. - thought, not though and you need an end quote here.
-
With a mouth filled with rags he utters his first noiseless scream. - Recommend "full of" to replace "filled with" to eliminate having two "with"s so close together. Need a comma after the word "rags". Also, the rags will not prevent him from making a sound. As long as he can breathe, he can make a sound. Recomend changing "noiseless" to "muffled".
You have a good story here. It just needs some polishing.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you unimatrix001, for your detailed review. I've sorted those spags now. All help is much appreciated...Mel.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
write hand blue:
My senior in high school provided me a large dose of Julius Casesar in English and Latin III. There seemed to be little escape. I believe you have depicted him well
This is an intriguing comment about one's willingness and/or desire to be a leader: "He is well aware that he has been chief for a long time now and some day his turn will come to meet the sword. For no chief has ever died of old age in this society led by a core of warrior families..." It
shows he feels the ultimate sacrifice is worth what he is doing now.
A few pieces of spag for you below. Let me know when you make corrections & I will update accordingly. Thanks for sharing. Love, Jan
fire has obviously got out of control >>>
fire has obviously gotten out of control
where Caesar is sat relaxing after his evening meal >>>
where Caesar is sitting, relaxing after his evening meal,
guard each side of him. >>> guard on each side of him.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
write hand blue:
My senior in high school provided me a large dose of Julius Casesar in English and Latin III. There seemed to be little escape. I believe you have depicted him well
This is an intriguing comment about one's willingness and/or desire to be a leader: "He is well aware that he has been chief for a long time now and some day his turn will come to meet the sword. For no chief has ever died of old age in this society led by a core of warrior families..." It
shows he feels the ultimate sacrifice is worth what he is doing now.
A few pieces of spag for you below. Let me know when you make corrections & I will update accordingly. Thanks for sharing. Love, Jan
fire has obviously got out of control >>>
fire has obviously gotten out of control
where Caesar is sat relaxing after his evening meal >>>
where Caesar is sitting, relaxing after his evening meal,
guard each side of him. >>> guard on each side of him.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Rdfrdmom2, for your helpful review. I've seen to the spags. Thank you for your time...Mel.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, write hand blue, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the soldiers burn the boats and kill those who stand in their way before setting off with the treasure. caesar gets information about the caravan and asks for them to be called back, which the chief refuses to do
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
this is very well written, write hand blue, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where the soldiers burn the boats and kill those who stand in their way before setting off with the treasure. caesar gets information about the caravan and asks for them to be called back, which the chief refuses to do
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review. Mel.
Comment from AprilShower
This is well written, Write Hand Blue. This could very well have happened. This is much easier to read when the paragraphs are separated. I have no suggestions which could make this any better.
April
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
This is well written, Write Hand Blue. This could very well have happened. This is much easier to read when the paragraphs are separated. I have no suggestions which could make this any better.
April
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Hi April, thank you for your kind review. As I mentioned this was a little computer trouble at FS. It did it again today with Chapter three, I had to go over the chapter again and separate the paras. Not to worry... Kind regards Mel.
Comment from Ekim777
You have chosen to write a fine saga from the records of a legendary figure; Caesar no less. Was it not Caesar who said, Veni, vedi vechi; when he conquered Gaul. Your piece reminds of something that might have been written those strolling historians like Herodotus, Theucidities and Josephus as you blend pithy details with things of your imagination. History is always a source of imagination. Without imagination historical records would not be worth much, in my book. -Ekim777
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
|
You have chosen to write a fine saga from the records of a legendary figure; Caesar no less. Was it not Caesar who said, Veni, vedi vechi; when he conquered Gaul. Your piece reminds of something that might have been written those strolling historians like Herodotus, Theucidities and Josephus as you blend pithy details with things of your imagination. History is always a source of imagination. Without imagination historical records would not be worth much, in my book. -Ekim777
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2012
-
Thank you Ekim777, for your interesting review. Yes it is a mixture of fiction and facts. I do believe that the reality of what happened would have been far more bloodthirsty than what I have depicted...Mel.
Comment from Rondeno
this is an excellent story and you actually write with style and even elegance. however, you continue to make puzzling errors.
You write: alter. It should be: altar.
You have written, "reluctant to part company with their boats. These two peasants ..." The full-stop should be a comma. "You are to come with us there is no question ..." needs a full-stop after "us".
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
|
this is an excellent story and you actually write with style and even elegance. however, you continue to make puzzling errors.
You write: alter. It should be: altar.
You have written, "reluctant to part company with their boats. These two peasants ..." The full-stop should be a comma. "You are to come with us there is no question ..." needs a full-stop after "us".
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review, I have seen to the spags...Mel.