The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "KOJUTAKE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi,
I think you bring good images to mind, good quick descriptions. Also, your character's have a sense of presence. And it is clear that he does not quite understand what is going on, what's happened, but slowly he does.
However, I would suggest you try to trim your dialogue, make it less stilted, perhaps. Leave some things out, make it less proper.
Some quick revisions:
--"How?" I puzzled aloud, "It was so ...
Should be: "How?" I puzzled aloud. "It was so ...
-- ... covering her mouth -- "Doctor. X." Then she closed ...
Should be; covering her mouth -- "Doctor X." Then she closed ...
--Her knee slammed into the hard, sliding surface, followed by her chest.
This makes it sound like the surface was sliding. Should it be slippery or did I misread it?
-- my new name together, "when you can't even remember where you came from? She ...
Should be: my new name together, "when you can't even remember where you came from?" She ... (End quotes missing.)
--I found myself watching dumbly as isolated images and fragments of images tumbled willy nilly through my mind.
Twice the word "images" ... you might wish to consider using another one instead.
--I felt a sharp stab, palpable, a breath-taking stab of pain, watching it. As though I was the child. But, I was an observer. I was not an actor. I was part of the audience. I was powerless to control the images. I could only vacate the theater. But, for the moment I felt compelled to stay.
NOTE: Consider not repeating certain words like "stab" so close together. I know it can be seen as part of the style, but it may sound "richer" and perhaps call less attention to your choice of words (bringing readers out of the story). Also, "sliding" seems to creep into this again. Also, at the end, perhaps you want to add a comma after "moment" ... like this: But, for the moment, I felt compelled to stay.
--approached from all directions , above, below, ...
Should be: approached from all directions, above, below, ... (space before the comma and after "directions" ...
--"They? Kojutake is a they? Is that what you're telling me?"
May want to cut out the last sentence. Why ask what is obvious?
"They? Kojutake is a ... they?"
--I thought about it. It did make me feel uncomfortable. It was familiar, and in some strange way threatening. And, what was more unsettling was the feeling that she knew all about the life and the world I had forgotten ... and she was merely teasing me with clues.
As it's a thought, you should perhaps consider making it direct:
I thought about it. It does make me feel uncomfortable. It is familiar, and in some strange way, threatening. She seems to know all about the life and the world I've forgotten ... unsettling. Is she merely teasing me with clues?
--"If they are as threatening as you say, why are you taking the time to play with my mind? We need to talk. How much do you know about me, about my life? Are you listening to me, Axtilla? Talk to me!"
Consider:
"If they are as threatening as you say, why are you taking the time to play with my mind? How much do you know about me, about my life? Are you listening to me, Axtilla? Talk to me!"
I cut out "We need to talk" because that's what they're doing. "Talk to me!" is fine because he wants a reply.
--No, Axtilla, I don't ..."
Missing quote start:
"No, Axtilla, I don't ..."
--"Of course you don't understand. How could you be dead and still be here and talking with me?"
I suggest:
"Of course you don't understand! How could you be dead and still be here and talking with me?"
Exclamation mark.
--"That doesn't mean that I one-hundred-percent buy what you're saying."
I would cut out the "one-hundred-percent" and replace it with "completely" or "totally."
--"He killed himself," she said, matter-of-factly.
I would leave out "matter-of-factly."
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Hi,
I think you bring good images to mind, good quick descriptions. Also, your character's have a sense of presence. And it is clear that he does not quite understand what is going on, what's happened, but slowly he does.
However, I would suggest you try to trim your dialogue, make it less stilted, perhaps. Leave some things out, make it less proper.
Some quick revisions:
--"How?" I puzzled aloud, "It was so ...
Should be: "How?" I puzzled aloud. "It was so ...
-- ... covering her mouth -- "Doctor. X." Then she closed ...
Should be; covering her mouth -- "Doctor X." Then she closed ...
--Her knee slammed into the hard, sliding surface, followed by her chest.
This makes it sound like the surface was sliding. Should it be slippery or did I misread it?
-- my new name together, "when you can't even remember where you came from? She ...
Should be: my new name together, "when you can't even remember where you came from?" She ... (End quotes missing.)
--I found myself watching dumbly as isolated images and fragments of images tumbled willy nilly through my mind.
Twice the word "images" ... you might wish to consider using another one instead.
--I felt a sharp stab, palpable, a breath-taking stab of pain, watching it. As though I was the child. But, I was an observer. I was not an actor. I was part of the audience. I was powerless to control the images. I could only vacate the theater. But, for the moment I felt compelled to stay.
NOTE: Consider not repeating certain words like "stab" so close together. I know it can be seen as part of the style, but it may sound "richer" and perhaps call less attention to your choice of words (bringing readers out of the story). Also, "sliding" seems to creep into this again. Also, at the end, perhaps you want to add a comma after "moment" ... like this: But, for the moment, I felt compelled to stay.
--approached from all directions , above, below, ...
Should be: approached from all directions, above, below, ... (space before the comma and after "directions" ...
--"They? Kojutake is a they? Is that what you're telling me?"
May want to cut out the last sentence. Why ask what is obvious?
"They? Kojutake is a ... they?"
--I thought about it. It did make me feel uncomfortable. It was familiar, and in some strange way threatening. And, what was more unsettling was the feeling that she knew all about the life and the world I had forgotten ... and she was merely teasing me with clues.
As it's a thought, you should perhaps consider making it direct:
I thought about it. It does make me feel uncomfortable. It is familiar, and in some strange way, threatening. She seems to know all about the life and the world I've forgotten ... unsettling. Is she merely teasing me with clues?
--"If they are as threatening as you say, why are you taking the time to play with my mind? We need to talk. How much do you know about me, about my life? Are you listening to me, Axtilla? Talk to me!"
Consider:
"If they are as threatening as you say, why are you taking the time to play with my mind? How much do you know about me, about my life? Are you listening to me, Axtilla? Talk to me!"
I cut out "We need to talk" because that's what they're doing. "Talk to me!" is fine because he wants a reply.
--No, Axtilla, I don't ..."
Missing quote start:
"No, Axtilla, I don't ..."
--"Of course you don't understand. How could you be dead and still be here and talking with me?"
I suggest:
"Of course you don't understand! How could you be dead and still be here and talking with me?"
Exclamation mark.
--"That doesn't mean that I one-hundred-percent buy what you're saying."
I would cut out the "one-hundred-percent" and replace it with "completely" or "totally."
--"He killed himself," she said, matter-of-factly.
I would leave out "matter-of-factly."
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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I don't know how to thank you, Leonardo. Well, I do know, but you'll have to wait until I get a fresh supply of "thumbs up". I keep a list of those who helped me when I couldn't reward them. I do respect your refined ear and eagle eye. I will be pasting your comments to word and putting it in the file for chapter 4, and then check it out after the post drops (Tomorrow night).
Again, though, I want to thank you so much!
Jay.
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Yer welcome, Jay, that's what we're all here for. As I said, good piece, good imagery, and it did keep the mystery going. Keep it up.
Comment from chasennov
"KOJUTAKE" This is a very good chapter you have created here. I'm not sure that I'll read the other chapters or anything at all, but well done with this one.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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"KOJUTAKE" This is a very good chapter you have created here. I'm not sure that I'll read the other chapters or anything at all, but well done with this one.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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Well, if it's just a brief encounter, thank you for stopping by.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm sorry that I wasn't along for the ride of the first three chapters, and if I can find the time, I'd like to catch up. Well written, action packed, and entertaining. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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I'm sorry that I wasn't along for the ride of the first three chapters, and if I can find the time, I'd like to catch up. Well written, action packed, and entertaining. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2014
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I'd love to have you read the first three chapters, Ric (if that's your given name.) I'm glad you enjoyed what you read.
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I will get them read so that I can keep up. :-)
Comment from Adri7enne
Strange outer-world feel to the setting. I got pretty curious about the Kojutake. It's not easy creating a new world out of sheer imagination. Particularly when you also invent a different way of thinking. Mindscapes are not always easy to describe. Good job, Jay.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Strange outer-world feel to the setting. I got pretty curious about the Kojutake. It's not easy creating a new world out of sheer imagination. Particularly when you also invent a different way of thinking. Mindscapes are not always easy to describe. Good job, Jay.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Adrienne (Is that correct?) You are validating what I've been trying to get through to the reader. I'll be interested in reading your take on the next chapter. It's one of those necessary chapters in a "complete" novel that doesn't have much interest as a stand-alone chapter: it is less action, more cerebral, but necessary to introduce certain concepts. Hope to see you there. And, thanks again!
Comment from interminable_dreamer
WOW! I was captured and you held my attention throughout the piece. Thank you for sharing your talent and I hope you continue to write!
Have a wonderful day!!
-Arianna
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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WOW! I was captured and you held my attention throughout the piece. Thank you for sharing your talent and I hope you continue to write!
Have a wonderful day!!
-Arianna
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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I can't imagine not continuing to write, arianna. I'm so happy you are enjoying the read and continue on. Thank you.
Comment from write hand blue
You have selected an appropriate picture that creates the correct mood for this chapter.
Although your writing is inventive, your dialogue is a bit choppy here and there.
There are a few minor errors, but nothing to be alarmed about.
What does stand out is the second to the last line. { "That doesn't mean that I one-hundred percent (buy) (believe) what you are saying." }
:) mel.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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You have selected an appropriate picture that creates the correct mood for this chapter.
Although your writing is inventive, your dialogue is a bit choppy here and there.
There are a few minor errors, but nothing to be alarmed about.
What does stand out is the second to the last line. { "That doesn't mean that I one-hundred percent (buy) (believe) what you are saying." }
:) mel.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Thank you for your input, Mel.
Comment from DonandVicki
A very engaging story and a lot of fantastic imagery that you created with your words. You have a gift for character and story development. Don
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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A very engaging story and a lot of fantastic imagery that you created with your words. You have a gift for character and story development. Don
Comment Written 16-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, don. I'm glad you stopped by. Hope you check out the next chapter.
Comment from healfromwithin
This piece is the first that I have read, so I will make notes on it as a stand-alone:
pulse. It doesn't ( didn't ). - watch what tense you are in
She had already, with some difficulty (consider reversing for ease of reading
lled over it. "Let me see your ankle?"(not a question-use a . period)
a tree. "How ..." I puzzled (?) you are asking a question
Axtilla, you're eyes were bouncing all over the place (not sure i like this visual here)
all over the place(; like you ) combine so that it's not a fragment. (It sounds awkward that she has such incomplete and choppy dialogue and is so weak, yet you bother describing her smile, hand, etc.)
by Axtilla's body uncoiling into a spasm (not sure this is the right phrasing here; uncoil= to loosen.)
... like Kojutake(; then)(remove comma, )her eyes snapped open. "We must go!" -- when you use a fragment starting with "then," you must join it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon.
My not too carefully concealed disdain for what smacked ( not-too-carefully would be correct; better yet, consider reversing for ease of reading)
her chest(; by) then it was too join the fragment
starting place(-the log.)
It was ( like ) her soul was in capitulation (as if)
his past life yourself--"
"His(?)
"--yes, at
Overall, I think I see what your storyline is. I see some time-frame amd logistical problems. Some od the time that the girl is injured don't sound right; she snaps back and forth to and from lucidity too much.
Some of the phrasing is phrased oddly-almost backward, and you may want to restructure it.
The digression into vision or memory is hard to picture, and didn't make sense to me.
Good luck with your writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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This piece is the first that I have read, so I will make notes on it as a stand-alone:
pulse. It doesn't ( didn't ). - watch what tense you are in
She had already, with some difficulty (consider reversing for ease of reading
lled over it. "Let me see your ankle?"(not a question-use a . period)
a tree. "How ..." I puzzled (?) you are asking a question
Axtilla, you're eyes were bouncing all over the place (not sure i like this visual here)
all over the place(; like you ) combine so that it's not a fragment. (It sounds awkward that she has such incomplete and choppy dialogue and is so weak, yet you bother describing her smile, hand, etc.)
by Axtilla's body uncoiling into a spasm (not sure this is the right phrasing here; uncoil= to loosen.)
... like Kojutake(; then)(remove comma, )her eyes snapped open. "We must go!" -- when you use a fragment starting with "then," you must join it to the previous sentence with a semi-colon.
My not too carefully concealed disdain for what smacked ( not-too-carefully would be correct; better yet, consider reversing for ease of reading)
her chest(; by) then it was too join the fragment
starting place(-the log.)
It was ( like ) her soul was in capitulation (as if)
his past life yourself--"
"His(?)
"--yes, at
Overall, I think I see what your storyline is. I see some time-frame amd logistical problems. Some od the time that the girl is injured don't sound right; she snaps back and forth to and from lucidity too much.
Some of the phrasing is phrased oddly-almost backward, and you may want to restructure it.
The digression into vision or memory is hard to picture, and didn't make sense to me.
Good luck with your writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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I thank you for taking a ton of time on this. You have a good eye and an apparently fine education in grammar. I take my writing seriously and while some of the "sentence fragments" criticism I'll probably pass on, I will put all your suggestions under scrutiny. Sentence fragments are coming more and more into acceptance. I am so happy you caught the omitted question-marks. Logically, Axtillas lapses into and out of lucidity call for an even closer scrutiny. I had the same feeling. Again, thank you so much for your help with this chapter. I've your name on my list for "owed" thumbs up. In other words, I'd love to give you one now, but I squandered one to many. first of next month you'll find a mystery reviewer recommenataion.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
let me say I was intrigued with this chapter made me want to read more and all of a sudden the chapter came to an end.
Gert
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Hello Jay,
let me say I was intrigued with this chapter made me want to read more and all of a sudden the chapter came to an end.
Gert
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Ha! Thanks for the compliment Gert. All I can say is there's more coming. I hope you're here to read them.
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You are welcome Jay
Gert
Comment from elchupakabra
This was a pretty solid chapter. I enjoyed the creativity of your characters, the names, their nuances, etc. I think you're doing a good job constructing the story, and the dialogue, though a bit bulky here and there, flows easily. The only advice I have is to watch your adverbs, I tend to overuse them myself and I noticed quite a few along the way in this chapter. Careful with that. Otherwise, great work and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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This was a pretty solid chapter. I enjoyed the creativity of your characters, the names, their nuances, etc. I think you're doing a good job constructing the story, and the dialogue, though a bit bulky here and there, flows easily. The only advice I have is to watch your adverbs, I tend to overuse them myself and I noticed quite a few along the way in this chapter. Careful with that. Otherwise, great work and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for reading this chapter and also for your helpful advise. So much can be done with a noun and a strong verb, I know. I will paste your comment in my folder and after the post drops I shall go through and edit with your suggestion in mind.