The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "THE TABLETS OF KYRN"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
21 total reviews
Comment from jason381202
Even without reading previous chapters of your story it was easy to pick up from this point and understand what was going on in the story. It had an easy flow about it and was well written. I feel like the characters are well developed. I could get a sense of who they were just from this chapter. I was a little confused toward the end when I read about the fire needing more wood. I thought the characters were on the move, going behind the mountain.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Even without reading previous chapters of your story it was easy to pick up from this point and understand what was going on in the story. It had an easy flow about it and was well written. I feel like the characters are well developed. I could get a sense of who they were just from this chapter. I was a little confused toward the end when I read about the fire needing more wood. I thought the characters were on the move, going behind the mountain.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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First of all, Jason, thanks for stopping by and reading. You may have been confused when Axtilla tried to escape up the hillside to her cave which is in the mountain. The strange force (she calls Kojutake was originating from behind the mountain, but sending an "arm" of colored, swirling lights toward them. This will be further explained in the next chapter, to which I hope you return.
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This was an excellent write. Much better than the first story I read of the amnesiac waking up on the beach. The first chapter was good, still a sixer. This chapter, definitely another sixer. Maybe I'm just getting use to the story, but I felt more life to the characters in this one, and It read better. Not much problem with the commas either. It seemed as though you worked more on this chapter than the other. It was excellent, and I'd like to know what happens next. Once again, I'm out of the sixes. However, exceptional work. Many blessings.
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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This was an excellent write. Much better than the first story I read of the amnesiac waking up on the beach. The first chapter was good, still a sixer. This chapter, definitely another sixer. Maybe I'm just getting use to the story, but I felt more life to the characters in this one, and It read better. Not much problem with the commas either. It seemed as though you worked more on this chapter than the other. It was excellent, and I'd like to know what happens next. Once again, I'm out of the sixes. However, exceptional work. Many blessings.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Lysa, you are a gem! Please don't go anywhere. The next chapter begins the next level of the action -- wish a scosh more exposition of Axtilla's people's history. God bless you this Easter and come back with a new Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it, lots of chocolate eggs and a readiness for the next chapter (as soon as this post drops in three more days).
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Thanks for letting me know. Patiently waiting. Happy holiday, and many blessings.
Comment from Twilightspire
Excellent work. I like that the dialogue goes back and forth. Some writers like to explain things in long, unbroken bits of dialogue, but you did it accurately with this piece. Doctorex questioned just about everything, as a person in that position would.
You shed enough light on what was going on to give us an idea, but just like Doctorex, we have been left mostly in the dark and thirsty to find out more.
Great job on this chapter.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Excellent work. I like that the dialogue goes back and forth. Some writers like to explain things in long, unbroken bits of dialogue, but you did it accurately with this piece. Doctorex questioned just about everything, as a person in that position would.
You shed enough light on what was going on to give us an idea, but just like Doctorex, we have been left mostly in the dark and thirsty to find out more.
Great job on this chapter.
-T.J.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Oh, T.J., you've made my day. I'm so happy to hear that the story resonated with you. I was afraid after the action of the previous chapters that the action-oriented reader would be bored by the progress here. Thank you for reading it so closely.
Comment from EelanLogthorn
Even though I wasn't familiar with the previous chapters, I got into the story from the get go. The dialogue is also done well and is very engaging. I also enjoyed the meaning behind the story and the words. Looking forward to more...
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Even though I wasn't familiar with the previous chapters, I got into the story from the get go. The dialogue is also done well and is very engaging. I also enjoyed the meaning behind the story and the words. Looking forward to more...
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Wow! Thank you for honoring me with a 6-er! Most people are like me and have squandered them. I do hope you'll go back to the previous chapters. Even if you don't read them, I've summarized the previous chapter so you can get a "cliffnotes" view of what happened. Thanks again!!!!
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You're welcome. I liked what I read. You certainly have a talent for story telling.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
Seriously? You didn't think this was enough to hold our interest? Granted, there was a lot of information---I read it twice---but I did not see a single line that wasn't vital to the story.
"I am the last in a group of the followers of the Encloy."
That pushed me to read more. I am invested enough that I need to find out what happened to this group, and why they banished Axtilla.
"According to the Tablets of Kyrn." Every civilized world needs something to help define them, whether it's the Ten Commandments, or Tablets of Kyrn. It's important we know this, and you gave us the information in a manner that wasn't forced or rushed (okay maybe a little, but since being in a rush was all part of the story line, it worked).
" the dark forces were single-minded in dedicating themselves to destroying the force of light... But...they were no stronger than their sense of self."
What a great line: NO STRONGER THAN THEIR SENSE OF SELF. (I fear most of our politicians fall in this group)
"The Tablets of Kyrn accurately predicted the exact occurrence of the Bining. To understand this you will begin to see why my people banished me."
I'm glad you didn't answer this right away. Discovering the reason she was banished is a page turner.
Action? I do believe that ending this with an earthquake, and something looming large and menacing qualifies.
Well done. Well written. Nothing to nitpick about.
Just tapping my fingers now, waiting for the next part.
Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
Seriously? You didn't think this was enough to hold our interest? Granted, there was a lot of information---I read it twice---but I did not see a single line that wasn't vital to the story.
"I am the last in a group of the followers of the Encloy."
That pushed me to read more. I am invested enough that I need to find out what happened to this group, and why they banished Axtilla.
"According to the Tablets of Kyrn." Every civilized world needs something to help define them, whether it's the Ten Commandments, or Tablets of Kyrn. It's important we know this, and you gave us the information in a manner that wasn't forced or rushed (okay maybe a little, but since being in a rush was all part of the story line, it worked).
" the dark forces were single-minded in dedicating themselves to destroying the force of light... But...they were no stronger than their sense of self."
What a great line: NO STRONGER THAN THEIR SENSE OF SELF. (I fear most of our politicians fall in this group)
"The Tablets of Kyrn accurately predicted the exact occurrence of the Bining. To understand this you will begin to see why my people banished me."
I'm glad you didn't answer this right away. Discovering the reason she was banished is a page turner.
Action? I do believe that ending this with an earthquake, and something looming large and menacing qualifies.
Well done. Well written. Nothing to nitpick about.
Just tapping my fingers now, waiting for the next part.
Debbie
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Debbie ... you have made my day!!!! Thank you for the validation. I think I have been anguishing more about the reader whose first experience with The Trining is this chapter. I can shake off unsubstatiated negative criticism, but I'm just leery enough of the chunks of knowledge I'm asking the reader to digest that I added the Author's note to it. Tell me, should I remove that note? I'm rereading your comments again. Oh, I love it! Thank you, Debbie.
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You're welcome. I think you should just leave it for new readers. Besides, you do such a great job summing up the story, that alone is reason enough to go back and read from the beginning.
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Thanks, debbie. I'll do it.
Comment from GWHARGIS
No sometimes you need to give the reader a chance to catch their breath. All action something that couldn't really go too far. Like in West Wing, the television show. They would walk and talk, giving the viewer a chance to gather information. Next the action, and the viewer would have the information and the background to understand why the action was being done. You ended the chapter with the promise of up coming action. A cliff hanger. Great work and I think if you have Doctrex clarify some point of the information on his own in the next chapter it will help to clarify it for the reader. Only one spag ...Okay over a week," she said. Go on" Need the beginning quote mark on Go on.
That's it, I'm still very interested in what is going on and what is going to happen.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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No sometimes you need to give the reader a chance to catch their breath. All action something that couldn't really go too far. Like in West Wing, the television show. They would walk and talk, giving the viewer a chance to gather information. Next the action, and the viewer would have the information and the background to understand why the action was being done. You ended the chapter with the promise of up coming action. A cliff hanger. Great work and I think if you have Doctrex clarify some point of the information on his own in the next chapter it will help to clarify it for the reader. Only one spag ...Okay over a week," she said. Go on" Need the beginning quote mark on Go on.
That's it, I'm still very interested in what is going on and what is going to happen.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Gretchen! I appreciate your taking the time to explain your reasoning behind that. I was thinking of pulling the Author's Note so as not to call attention to it. What do you think? You are a blessing to me!
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I never consider the author notes as a part of the text. I would leave it simply because it may get others opinions. You are always going to get some smart ass who will tell you that there needs to be action in every single chapter, but a well written piece can hold a reader. You, my friend have a well written piece.
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That's so sweet of you to say. Okay, you talked me into it. It's just so gratifying to find you and a few other serious writers who look beyond the titillation of the senses.
Comment from c_lucas
One without understanding will drown in ignorance. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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One without understanding will drown in ignorance. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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I wouldn't be concerned, Charlie, if someone just starting out on The Trining would drown in ignorance, but you've read about every chapter. Please don't tell me You got lost!
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I've been right with you, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Zue65
Yes, you are right, this chapter gives a lecture on the beginning of the universe which is totally divorced from what you have started here in the previous chapters and aroused our interest, preparing us for a bit of sci-fi adventure but then it turned out to be a philosophical essay instead employing a dialogue as a vehicle to drive your beliefs on existence. But I just love your character Axtilla, although she's getting to be boring, I am giving you still the five stars for coming up with a novel character, Axtilla.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Yes, you are right, this chapter gives a lecture on the beginning of the universe which is totally divorced from what you have started here in the previous chapters and aroused our interest, preparing us for a bit of sci-fi adventure but then it turned out to be a philosophical essay instead employing a dialogue as a vehicle to drive your beliefs on existence. But I just love your character Axtilla, although she's getting to be boring, I am giving you still the five stars for coming up with a novel character, Axtilla.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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I've agonized, trying to figure out how to "slip in" the necessary background information over a number of chapters, but it just didn't work out. And, believe me, this information will be vital to understanding the future chapters. I'm glad you like Axtilla. She likes you, too, you know ... LOL.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I understand what you say in your author notes, because at this stage I feel a little overwhelmed, but I can see that you had to lay the groundwork for future chapters. In any case I've found the chapter absorbing and continued to be engaged... Still looking forward to more, Giddy
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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I understand what you say in your author notes, because at this stage I feel a little overwhelmed, but I can see that you had to lay the groundwork for future chapters. In any case I've found the chapter absorbing and continued to be engaged... Still looking forward to more, Giddy
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you for your comment, Giddy. Yes, if this chapter were read as a part of a complete novel one would go into it expecting there would be some necessary background work sometime and this is as good as any.
Comment from Liandra
You have my interest, this is a very well written chapter. The dialogue flows and has given me the feeling that I'm there with the characters, listening.
You've succeeded as far as I'm concerned, in laying a good foundation and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing,
:) LIandra
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reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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You have my interest, this is a very well written chapter. The dialogue flows and has given me the feeling that I'm there with the characters, listening.
You've succeeded as far as I'm concerned, in laying a good foundation and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Thanks for sharing,
:) LIandra
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Liandra for your kind comments. I do hope you'll continue on with it. This chapter was the one I was most worried about since it has less action than the others: a lot of narrative.l
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Stop your worrying (I know how it feels) you have written this because you needed to lay the foundation.
:) Liandra
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Yeah, I know. However I got my first really negative review saying it was a philosophical treatise instead of a sci-fi story. I'm considering removing the Author's Remarks, so I won't give someone an arguement in advance. What do you think?
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There are those who have no concept of life and sci-fi. I had a NDE years ago in surgery. The anethatist and the surgeon told me I went into cardiac arrest and they had trouble bringing me back. My NDE is written into my book. In the Void was truth. Stuff some say is 'hogwash.' but, at the same time, in another state, another person experienced the same NDE at the same time, day and the same surgery. We then found two others one in England and another interstate. We all had the same experience, same surgery, same day and our birthdates are the same.
So remove those remarks and write your book knowing it's in your heart and soul and needs to be written.
I hope I haven't rambled on, but some people have closed minds.
You might need to delete this after reading, before we start WW2!!!
Happy writing , my friend,
Liandra :)
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Hi Leandra: Do you know this is one and a half months later I'm reading this reply. I only saw it today because I'm pasting all the crits over to word so I can systematically go through and edit. No, no! Not hogwash! I have a strong belief in the power of NDEs. Is the name of your book "In the Void was truth"? Get back with me on this. I'm sorry I didn't see it earlier and you might even have thought you struck a nerve with me that I didn't want to discuss. Not so, dear! Get back with me.
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Hi Jay, thank you for your interest; many just cannot grasp the fact that life here is just another adventure, one that deprives us of the memory of who we are beyond this existence. Yes, 'In the void' was my experience and even though I suffered horrific pain from the entity that trapped me, I realised so many other wonderful truths. I knew who I was and am. Yes, I had the choice to go home to the future or to come back into my body. I wanted so much to return home. I saw the brilliant light up to my left and then I looked down to my right and saw my husband and stepsons at my burial site. They had lost one mother and I knew I couldn't cause more pain. So much occurred while I was there, a debriefing as in seeing events that had played out in human form, and the reasons behind each one. I understood why I experienced certain painful actions as a child and as a wife to my first husband. It all made sense and was very enlightening. Now I wait for my time to come, I'm eager to leave and go home, but, I have a story to tell mingled with fiction. Until it's complete I'll remain here. Their will be a sequel to this book, there's so much to reveal. For interest, there are two other women who had the same experience, same surgery, debriefing and choice. Taking into account the time frame, we all coincided, same year, month, week and day. One in the UK and one in Melbourne. We also found out another in the USA. Who knows there's probably more around the planet.
If you like I'll tell you about my night flights! Even dreams that have manifested and been forgotten, but archived in my dream books. When I pieced them all together I was stunned!
Take care, my friend,
hugs,
Liandra
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You speak of night flights and dream books. Were your dreams "lucid" or traditional. Of course I would like to hear about them, but only when you have the time away from your other creative endeavors to tell me. Also, are you in communication with the one from the UK and from Melbourne and here in the USA? Have you read the hugely famous book (or seen the movie) "Heaven Is For Real"? I'm sure you have. Again, let me know what you can (or, if you have a book I can get, let me know that, too). I am very interested.
Blessings,
Jay