The Crypt of Hubbard Hayle: Part 2
Part two of the story...45 total reviews
Comment from Alan K Pease
You have your story finely tuned to the stage of development of the two boy -their conflict and courage (?) which will test them beyond their mutual antagonism in dealing with what lies before them at the crypt.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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You have your story finely tuned to the stage of development of the two boy -their conflict and courage (?) which will test them beyond their mutual antagonism in dealing with what lies before them at the crypt.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks for your kind words of encouragement, Alan. I sincerely appreciate you taking time out to read and review it for me.
Comment from country ranch writer
SOME TIMES WHRN YOU PUSH SOMEONE TOO FAR IN WANTING THEM TO DO WHAT YOU SAY THEY CAN BECOME QUITE UNHINGES LIKE TIMMY DIS AND THEN SOME
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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SOME TIMES WHRN YOU PUSH SOMEONE TOO FAR IN WANTING THEM TO DO WHAT YOU SAY THEY CAN BECOME QUITE UNHINGES LIKE TIMMY DIS AND THEN SOME
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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You've got that right, country. You can only push someone so far, and if you push too far, they just might snap!
Thanks for an excellent review.
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S M I L E S MY FRIEND
Comment from Ridley Williams
Hey Dean,
This was a great read...loved the reference to Moses and the "Burnin' Bush", had me laughing out loud, lol. There was great dialogue and flow to the read. I appreciated Timmy finally hitting his breaking point...I was the same kind of spirit. I would take a lot, but when enough was enough, I would let it hit the fan! Size always helped me there, lol. Another good chapter...one thing in the second paragraph between the tree and Lewton's face, "...made the trip back across "potions" should be "portions", I believe. Other than that, it looked great...all my best, Bill
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Hey Dean,
This was a great read...loved the reference to Moses and the "Burnin' Bush", had me laughing out loud, lol. There was great dialogue and flow to the read. I appreciated Timmy finally hitting his breaking point...I was the same kind of spirit. I would take a lot, but when enough was enough, I would let it hit the fan! Size always helped me there, lol. Another good chapter...one thing in the second paragraph between the tree and Lewton's face, "...made the trip back across "potions" should be "portions", I believe. Other than that, it looked great...all my best, Bill
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks very much, Bill, I'm really glad to know you liked it. I'll take a look at that and fix it ASAP, thank you!
Comment from NicciFaye
I don't know what you're waiting for Dean....I guess when the time is right. You are an amazing writer of this genre and I'm not saying that just for gp. Your talents exceed others. Great story. This deserves a ten.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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I don't know what you're waiting for Dean....I guess when the time is right. You are an amazing writer of this genre and I'm not saying that just for gp. Your talents exceed others. Great story. This deserves a ten.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thank you, Nicci, I'm really pleased to know that you feel that way. I don't know what I'm waiting on either. Fear of commitment? Simply not knowing the best ways to go about getting published? There are a lot of reasons, really. But, my day will come.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Jeez Louise, Dean, whatcha doin' to me? I haven't got a darn six! This is the best yet!!! You KNOW I love your work, and as much as I DO try to spread them around because I follow so MANY great writers, THIS part of this story is just SCREAMING for a six!!!
OUTSTANDING!!!
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Jeez Louise, Dean, whatcha doin' to me? I haven't got a darn six! This is the best yet!!! You KNOW I love your work, and as much as I DO try to spread them around because I follow so MANY great writers, THIS part of this story is just SCREAMING for a six!!!
OUTSTANDING!!!
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thank you, Dawn. The fact that you enjoyed it, and that you found it entertaining, is reward enough for me, my dear friend. I appreciate the thought, though, sincerely.
Comment from DALLAS01
potions do you mean portions?
I love the way you inserted the biographical info
a little ways into the story. You have very unique phraseology going on here that makes the reader think (why can't I come up with something as clever?)
ex: he was blowing the butt trumpet (that's a new one on me)
It actually give some comic relief as you build on the fright.
There is one sentence that because it is so long, that I found a little distracting:
Maybe it was our differing perspectives on the task we'd set out to accomplish -- going onto old man Hayle's vault and swiping something to prove to ourselves and everyone else in Plattesville that we'd been there -- which caused us to attempt to reach our destination at varying speeds.
(I got a little lost in following it. Could use a sentence break somewhere )
Great dialogue between the boys, enhanced by Danny's unspoken opinion of Tim.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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potions do you mean portions?
I love the way you inserted the biographical info
a little ways into the story. You have very unique phraseology going on here that makes the reader think (why can't I come up with something as clever?)
ex: he was blowing the butt trumpet (that's a new one on me)
It actually give some comic relief as you build on the fright.
There is one sentence that because it is so long, that I found a little distracting:
Maybe it was our differing perspectives on the task we'd set out to accomplish -- going onto old man Hayle's vault and swiping something to prove to ourselves and everyone else in Plattesville that we'd been there -- which caused us to attempt to reach our destination at varying speeds.
(I got a little lost in following it. Could use a sentence break somewhere )
Great dialogue between the boys, enhanced by Danny's unspoken opinion of Tim.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks so much for the kind and encouraging words, DALLAS. I'll look into trying to restructure that sentence you mentioned. I wanted it to come off like a kid's rambling thought, but perhaps a missed the mark a bit. The other edit, "potions/portions" was already pointed out, and made. Thanks again, I really appreciate it.
Comment from ravenblack
It would be an interesting twist if the true horror turned out not to have anything to do with the crypt, but that look of murder in Timmy's eyes brought to fruition due to fear coupled with taunting making him crack, the true denizen of the crypt a new permanent tenant. Again, excellent job with the dialogue. And I'm partial to redheads too.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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It would be an interesting twist if the true horror turned out not to have anything to do with the crypt, but that look of murder in Timmy's eyes brought to fruition due to fear coupled with taunting making him crack, the true denizen of the crypt a new permanent tenant. Again, excellent job with the dialogue. And I'm partial to redheads too.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Ha, thanks, rb, and that would be a bit of a twist, wouldn't it? I like redheads myself. Spunky and fiesty!
Comment from Muffins
The energy is non stop to the last period of the last sentence. Crackling images, strike hitting verbs, control pace which creates the uncomfortable mood of the scene. The unexpected actions of Timmy is a good kick in the butt surprise for the reader and Danny.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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The energy is non stop to the last period of the last sentence. Crackling images, strike hitting verbs, control pace which creates the uncomfortable mood of the scene. The unexpected actions of Timmy is a good kick in the butt surprise for the reader and Danny.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks, Muffins, I'm really glad you liked the story. Much obliged, my friend!
Comment from Twilightspire
This is a wonderful examination of quite a few things. First, the backstory was perfectly shown and with great placement in the story. Just enough to whet our thirsts without overindulgence. Excellent timing.
I love the dialogue and the dynamic between the two main characters. They have a definite love/hate thing going on. And Tim's attack on the protagonist was fantastically written and easy to picture their give and take fight.
The last couple of paragraphs really nailed the scare factor for me, mainly because it is the payoff of the work you did earlier in the chapter building it up. Nicely done, my friend.
I have some suggestions and spag for you:
across potions of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, past South America, eventually ending up in Ohio, where he'd begun.
-I think you meant "portions" instead of "potions" in this sentence.
His eyes were blood red, and I saw something in those eyes that nearly caused me to toss my cookies.
-I might suggest a different word than "eyes" either the first or second time. You use the word too close together in this small paragraph. Not sure of the rule on that one, but "orbs" might work, just to change it up.
High atop Harlan's Hill, deep in the bowels of a neglected and virtually forgotten cemetery, a crumbling tomb echoed with the sounds of fluttering leaves and brisk autumn breezes. Within its crumbling, dank and musty walls, something stirred from its prolonged slumber, something that defied all human logic or reason.
-First off, excellently described paragraph and very chilling. Secondly, the use of "crumbling" twice in near succession is a bit awkward. Try a different word choice. Perhaps "decaying" It would add flavor and stick to the mood you are trying to accomplish.
P.S.- Just read the next paragraph and you used the word "Decaying". Grrr. You are good. :)
Can't wait for the third part, Dean. This is a great story and I'm hooked.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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This is a wonderful examination of quite a few things. First, the backstory was perfectly shown and with great placement in the story. Just enough to whet our thirsts without overindulgence. Excellent timing.
I love the dialogue and the dynamic between the two main characters. They have a definite love/hate thing going on. And Tim's attack on the protagonist was fantastically written and easy to picture their give and take fight.
The last couple of paragraphs really nailed the scare factor for me, mainly because it is the payoff of the work you did earlier in the chapter building it up. Nicely done, my friend.
I have some suggestions and spag for you:
across potions of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, past South America, eventually ending up in Ohio, where he'd begun.
-I think you meant "portions" instead of "potions" in this sentence.
His eyes were blood red, and I saw something in those eyes that nearly caused me to toss my cookies.
-I might suggest a different word than "eyes" either the first or second time. You use the word too close together in this small paragraph. Not sure of the rule on that one, but "orbs" might work, just to change it up.
High atop Harlan's Hill, deep in the bowels of a neglected and virtually forgotten cemetery, a crumbling tomb echoed with the sounds of fluttering leaves and brisk autumn breezes. Within its crumbling, dank and musty walls, something stirred from its prolonged slumber, something that defied all human logic or reason.
-First off, excellently described paragraph and very chilling. Secondly, the use of "crumbling" twice in near succession is a bit awkward. Try a different word choice. Perhaps "decaying" It would add flavor and stick to the mood you are trying to accomplish.
P.S.- Just read the next paragraph and you used the word "Decaying". Grrr. You are good. :)
Can't wait for the third part, Dean. This is a great story and I'm hooked.
-T.J.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Hah, ha, thanks a bunch, TJ. I'm really pleased to know that you're following along with the story. That really means a lot, and getting feed back from writers of this genre is invaluable, as so few here do it on a regular basis.
Thanks again, my friend!
Comment from lindalcreel
This is an excellent story. As usual, you have raised the bar on the unknown and will probably scare the you know what out of me, as I read on. You have a proclivity for telling horror stories, and I commend you for that. Anytime I want to get my heart racing, I need only look at one of your posts. LOL
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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This is an excellent story. As usual, you have raised the bar on the unknown and will probably scare the you know what out of me, as I read on. You have a proclivity for telling horror stories, and I commend you for that. Anytime I want to get my heart racing, I need only look at one of your posts. LOL
Comment Written 30-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Hah, thanks, Linda, and I certainly hope so! I mean, c'mon, that's why I do this...to scare the bejeezus outta folks, heh heh.
I'm very pleased that you like my work. I'm honored to be your FanStory go-to guy for your dose of adrenaline. 8>}
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Keep them coming. LOL
