The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "THE PROPOSAL"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
32 total reviews
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Good dialogue, well done without breaking it into he said she said.
Running a bit late here, so I'll just give you what I found:
Some suggestions:
--The pungency of Klasco's tobacco, even though outside, attacked my senses.
>>The pungency of Klasco's tobacco, even though we were outside, attacked my senses.<<
Even though outside sounds awkward and leaves a gap in the sentence structure without defining who was outside.
--"You can't be older," he said. I'm eight D's, and I can't believe you're older than I."
>>"You can't be older," he said. "I'm eight D's, and I can't believe you're older than I."<<
--When he didn't, but, instead, stared out beyond the vast meadow, seemingly oblivious of my presence, and continued to draw in the smoke and release it, I thought I'd give the conversation a nudge.
Awkward sentence.
--the ground, where he stepped on it. In your travels to the northern province you ...
>>the ground, where he stepped on it. "In your travels to the northern province you ...<<
--Was that another piece of the mystery you hadn't time to tell me of yet?
>>Was that another piece of the mystery you hadn't time to tell me yet?<<
--"With that much peace armies become ceremonial only.
>>"With that much peace, armies become ceremonial only. <<
--"I understand. It's all light, without the balance of darkness," Doctrex mused, aloud, thinking of Axtilla again, but without his thoughts carrying his attention aloft this time.
POV shift. From first to third?
-- I needed someone to talk with, someone who will understand.
>> I needed someone to talk with, someone who will understand."<<
--'But, I've got crops to plant or harvest!
>>'But, I've got crops to plant or harvest!'<<
--'My boys are too young for battle.'--with the last complaint being especially heart-rending."
>>'My boys are too young for battle.' The last complaint was especially heart-rending."<<
--"Instead, Klasco, you will introduce the Counsel to your brother.
>>"Instead, Klasco, you will introduce the Counsel to your brother."<<
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good dialogue, well done without breaking it into he said she said.
Running a bit late here, so I'll just give you what I found:
Some suggestions:
--The pungency of Klasco's tobacco, even though outside, attacked my senses.
>>The pungency of Klasco's tobacco, even though we were outside, attacked my senses.<<
Even though outside sounds awkward and leaves a gap in the sentence structure without defining who was outside.
--"You can't be older," he said. I'm eight D's, and I can't believe you're older than I."
>>"You can't be older," he said. "I'm eight D's, and I can't believe you're older than I."<<
--When he didn't, but, instead, stared out beyond the vast meadow, seemingly oblivious of my presence, and continued to draw in the smoke and release it, I thought I'd give the conversation a nudge.
Awkward sentence.
--the ground, where he stepped on it. In your travels to the northern province you ...
>>the ground, where he stepped on it. "In your travels to the northern province you ...<<
--Was that another piece of the mystery you hadn't time to tell me of yet?
>>Was that another piece of the mystery you hadn't time to tell me yet?<<
--"With that much peace armies become ceremonial only.
>>"With that much peace, armies become ceremonial only. <<
--"I understand. It's all light, without the balance of darkness," Doctrex mused, aloud, thinking of Axtilla again, but without his thoughts carrying his attention aloft this time.
POV shift. From first to third?
-- I needed someone to talk with, someone who will understand.
>> I needed someone to talk with, someone who will understand."<<
--'But, I've got crops to plant or harvest!
>>'But, I've got crops to plant or harvest!'<<
--'My boys are too young for battle.'--with the last complaint being especially heart-rending."
>>'My boys are too young for battle.' The last complaint was especially heart-rending."<<
--"Instead, Klasco, you will introduce the Counsel to your brother.
>>"Instead, Klasco, you will introduce the Counsel to your brother."<<
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thanks again! You are especially deft at spotting the dropped quote marks. I went in and changed those kinds of errors, but am leaving the rest for a later date. Thanks again, Leo.
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You're welcome. It was sort of a slow day for me on FS as I had to solve some company stuff and drive in to the city on a rainy Friday which makes traffic go ...
Anyway, glad you found it useful.
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I always find your critiques useful. I think you and I are the more experienced writers here, and we have a tendency to home in on stylistic differences: you with your short, bullet paragraphs, me with my more rambling sentences that you feel are awkward. We need to keep pointing them out to each other. At bottom, we have to answer to our own sense of style.
By the way, two days ago my computer crashed and I lost everything, including the chapter-by-chapter critiques of The Trining. I was with Dell Tech Support for 11 hours yesterday, loading all the disks back on to make my computer operational. I'm waiting now for "Scrivener", the website that has all 84 of my chapters to get back to me. I lost the account number for them (yeah, in a folder on my desktop, which was part of the body count). So, I can't even post the next chapter 'til Scrivener releases my book. Damn!!!
Sorry to download a buncha crap on you.
Hopefully, by Monday I'll be up and running.
Adios, friend.
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Hi Jay, sorry to hear about your computer problems. I have learned the hard way, too, and have a Time Machine backup system, that I put in not daily, but at least a few times a week. Also, for the important stuff, and with Scrivener, which I also use, I have used its feature to sync with an outside folder, which I have in a dropbox account. It's fairly easy to setup and every time you close your file, it will automatically sync with Dropbox. If you don't have dropbox, let me know and I can invite you and help you set up Scrivener to make those backups. So even if your house burns down (well, we don't want THAT to happen, do we) you will still have your important files accessible somewhere in the web.
The good thing is that it will give me time to catch up with your story ...
So you said Scrivener has your entire book. How did you arrange that?
As for my bullet critiques, I for once love when people catch those kinds of mistakes in my work, as they always creep up and sometimes are the hardest to catch. It's called Negative Hallucination?when you don't see something that's right in front of you.
There are a few other things that I'm thinking about your writing, but as you said, it's a sense of style and sometimes those things are OK when you read an entire work. So I have refrained from mentioning them.
The other thing I'm fairly good at is the whole story structure aspect of it, as I've researched this extensively ... another one of those things though, like the "sense of style" is the "sense of structure."
In any case, I appreciate your continued input and hope your computer problems are resolved quickly.
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As soon as I get Scrivener restored to my computer I'd love to have your help with Dropbox. It does sound complicated, though, and the computer and I aren't friends.
Okay, now you're scaring me. You are asking how Scrivener has my whole book? All the chapters of The Trining are completed on Scrivener -- a year-and-a-half labor. (It's just like the chapters were in a folder on "word".) When I click on a chapter from the left column, it opens up. Scrivener boasts about backing everything up every so many seconds, so it can be restored if there's a problem. I'm resting all my hopes that they have my entire novel just as it was on my desktop, ready to restore to me. Tell me I am right, Leo!
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Well, you made it sound like you had a file on the Scrivener website. It is the first time I hear that a backup is save anywhere else but on your own computer. That is, they do make bck (back up) files, but those files are stored in your own hard disk.
So, if you recuperate your hard disk, that's where you would find those files. This is the reason why I programmed it (as I said, easy as heck) to save an extra file in an outside folder on Dropbox ... that is, AWAY from my computer.
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Now, I'm worried. I thought it would be like FanStory. I can go there and pull up and print my individual chapters. Of course I only have from 1-10. If I can't recover it from Scrivener, I've just lost everything I've worked 1 1/2 years to complete.
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Don't you have it on FS? What you post, I mean. Copy and paste it back to your computer.
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I answered your later answer, giving you my email address. Thanks again, friend.
Comment from Lynette Marie
I'm coming into your book for the first time with this chapter. It immediately caught my interest and held it throughout the entire conversation. Your dialogue is very well done, the use of different terms for time, money, and measurement interesting and believable. A great read!
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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I'm coming into your book for the first time with this chapter. It immediately caught my interest and held it throughout the entire conversation. Your dialogue is very well done, the use of different terms for time, money, and measurement interesting and believable. A great read!
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thank you, Lynette Marie. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hope to have you aboard for the next chapter.
Jay
Comment from Hareem.S
Even though I have not read the rest of the book, the summary provided an adequate background and this chapter was so interesting that it kept me glued till the end.
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Even though I have not read the rest of the book, the summary provided an adequate background and this chapter was so interesting that it kept me glued till the end.
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Beautiful! Thank you, Hareem, for your vote of confidence. I appreciate it and you!
Comment from Zue65
So this is the continuation of Axtilla's story which I guess I missed so many chapters with Doctrex. I can follow the thread of events but the circumstances are too high brow for the ordinary readers I believe. The terminologies confused me a bit, or perhaps there is a doctrine that you want to infuse in your story which disrupts the fluidity of the story. but I still like the story nevertheless. God bless.
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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So this is the continuation of Axtilla's story which I guess I missed so many chapters with Doctrex. I can follow the thread of events but the circumstances are too high brow for the ordinary readers I believe. The terminologies confused me a bit, or perhaps there is a doctrine that you want to infuse in your story which disrupts the fluidity of the story. but I still like the story nevertheless. God bless.
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thanks for reading, Nassus. If you read the summaries before the previous chapters, you should come up to speed quickly.
Comment from Tina Concetta
nice Chapter. I thought I'd see some strange action from Klea (maybe if Doctrex decided to sleep in the house, but I don't blame him). Good setup for the next event. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I thought it read really well (except the "anyway" kind of threw me, think I'd omit that). Interested to see what happens next. Great job (as usual) ... still wondering what Axtilla is doing... has she even noticed Doctrex is gone... ok, guess I have to wait! I'm enjoying your story. :)
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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nice Chapter. I thought I'd see some strange action from Klea (maybe if Doctrex decided to sleep in the house, but I don't blame him). Good setup for the next event. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I thought it read really well (except the "anyway" kind of threw me, think I'd omit that). Interested to see what happens next. Great job (as usual) ... still wondering what Axtilla is doing... has she even noticed Doctrex is gone... ok, guess I have to wait! I'm enjoying your story. :)
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thank you, Tina, for coming back. I always look forward to your input. Can you give me a hint where in the chapter "anyway" is? I'd like to check it out.
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You know, when I read it again, it was ok... maybe it was the commas that threw me. I think it would read smoother without the commas after "while," and "anyway," ... it kind of threw me on the first read. I don't think you need a comma till after the word "intelligent," ... here's the sentence it was in:
I really wanted to be alone for a while, anyway, to sort out my feelings about this intelligent, outspoken young lady
other than that, great chapter!
Comment from TamzinWhite
I like your ideas very much but I think your sentences need shortening. Getting bogged down in detail and description when it can be revealed through the story. I would like to have the D's revealed in a more matter of fact way, rather than minute detail that loses the flow (for me, anyway). Also, lose 'anyway' in a sentence. It's distracting. Keep going, you have a real world here, just trying to help you iron out. Hope you get what I am saying, and not take offence.
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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I like your ideas very much but I think your sentences need shortening. Getting bogged down in detail and description when it can be revealed through the story. I would like to have the D's revealed in a more matter of fact way, rather than minute detail that loses the flow (for me, anyway). Also, lose 'anyway' in a sentence. It's distracting. Keep going, you have a real world here, just trying to help you iron out. Hope you get what I am saying, and not take offence.
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Oh, Lord no, Tamzin! I can tell when something is said constructively. And yours is. You are the second person to mention "anyway", without saying where it is. It's obviously a deterrent to the flow. Can you tell me?
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It is near the top. 1st para I think.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using knew. You're in his POV. It's obvious he knew.
My former editor told me to use semi-colons only sparingly.
"Normally,. . . Put double quotes before In.
"Thank you,. . . He put . . smile, and then a. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Try to avoid using knew. You're in his POV. It's obvious he knew.
My former editor told me to use semi-colons only sparingly.
"Normally,. . . Put double quotes before In.
"Thank you,. . . He put . . smile, and then a. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 09-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Thank you, Karlene, as usual. This is the second time you mentioned "knew" and semicolons. Geez! I got rid of a lot of "thats"; LOL, aintcha ever satisfied! You know I'm kidding! I will have to check the "knews". Thanks, dear!
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It's always something. Isn't it?
Karlene
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
For some reason unknown to me I found this chapter more enjoyable. I think perhaps there was less of the strange and more of the familiar, and then there's the prospect of bigger action and the challenges that are sure to come with conflict of a large magnitude. Giddy
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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For some reason unknown to me I found this chapter more enjoyable. I think perhaps there was less of the strange and more of the familiar, and then there's the prospect of bigger action and the challenges that are sure to come with conflict of a large magnitude. Giddy
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 09-May-2014
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Well, thank you, Giddy. I hope it is sustained. I'm so happy you returned.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay
the more I read of your story, the more I get intrigued to what is going on
I liked the talk on the porch between Klasco Braanz and the main character Doctrex.
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Hello Jay
the more I read of your story, the more I get intrigued to what is going on
I liked the talk on the porch between Klasco Braanz and the main character Doctrex.
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Thank you, Gert. I always appreciate your input.
Comment from Writingfundimension
The complexity of your plot and characters is particularly noticeable in this chapter, Jay. I love the solution that Doctrex has come up with. He can get to Ginot and, just maybe, find Axtilla while doing so. And he gets to keep the only real 'family' connection he seems to have so far. Well done, as always.
Bev
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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The complexity of your plot and characters is particularly noticeable in this chapter, Jay. I love the solution that Doctrex has come up with. He can get to Ginot and, just maybe, find Axtilla while doing so. And he gets to keep the only real 'family' connection he seems to have so far. Well done, as always.
Bev
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Bev. Thanks a bunch!!!! I'm having computer concerns and have to be short. I Apreciate you.
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You're welcome, Jay. It's all those meteors we got showered with this week!
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I think I got that virus for using explorer. All kinds of pop-ups and my cursor arrow suddently (out of nowhere) gets "taken over" and wanders all over the screen, like it's looking for something. I had to back up every folder I have and Dell is going to wipe out everything so I start all over with a virgin computer. Virginity scares me.