The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "TOWARD KABEEZ"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from Tina Concetta
I LOVED this chapter! Really well written, your talent really shines. Klasco's reactions and Doctrex struggling to explain things about himself that he doesn't even understand came across really natural and very informative. This was a smooth read and held my interest from the first word to the last! Great job.
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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I LOVED this chapter! Really well written, your talent really shines. Klasco's reactions and Doctrex struggling to explain things about himself that he doesn't even understand came across really natural and very informative. This was a smooth read and held my interest from the first word to the last! Great job.
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Tina, THANK YOU for honoring me with the 6 Stars! You don't know how important it is for me to read your words. I had a lot of misgivings that the reader would feel like I'm repeating previous information.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I am glad you decided to have Klasco be suspicious and a bit angry when Doctorex told him his story. It was human nature showing through, not a convenient understanding that happens all too often in books. I am suspicious by nature and I have an over active imagination so if someone was telling me something like this, I'd be on high alert. Nice description of the horses. I could see them very clearly.
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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I am glad you decided to have Klasco be suspicious and a bit angry when Doctorex told him his story. It was human nature showing through, not a convenient understanding that happens all too often in books. I am suspicious by nature and I have an over active imagination so if someone was telling me something like this, I'd be on high alert. Nice description of the horses. I could see them very clearly.
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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The horses are crossan! LOL, I found myself calling them horses so many times in later chapters. I had to go through "Find and replace" countless times. Gretchen, you don't know how important your input is to my confidence!
Comment from padumachitta
Hi...more and more intriguing. I enjoyed this chapter, trying to untangle the story, the history. Trying to rmemeber,,to sort out fraud from truth, to sift..poor guy...keep writing...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Hi...more and more intriguing. I enjoyed this chapter, trying to untangle the story, the history. Trying to rmemeber,,to sort out fraud from truth, to sift..poor guy...keep writing...
padumachitta
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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I am SO appreciative of your loyalty to this novel, padumachitta. Keep aboard. Some neat things following!
Comment from Tina McKala
Hmm, this was a very interesting chapter. I wasn't expecting he would confide with him and tell him his whole story. I loved the way you summed up Doctrex's story so it wasn't irritating to the readers who already know it all. Well done!
Suggestions:
she who had delivered it, for the moment I focused my attention on Axtilla // divide in two sentences: had delivered it. For the moment...
Klasco hummed a tune [in in] a velvety baritone // typo - two â??in"
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Hmm, this was a very interesting chapter. I wasn't expecting he would confide with him and tell him his whole story. I loved the way you summed up Doctrex's story so it wasn't irritating to the readers who already know it all. Well done!
Suggestions:
she who had delivered it, for the moment I focused my attention on Axtilla // divide in two sentences: had delivered it. For the moment...
Klasco hummed a tune [in in] a velvety baritone // typo - two â??in"
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Thanks for the catches, Tina! I'm only guessing, but I think Doctrex craves having a confidant. He has to have SOMEONE who understands. I think.
Comment from Briar172
A good read though langors on, partly from I'm sure a lack of knowledge of previous Chapters. Pardon, Story is well done, writing quite engrossing. I fear our audience is the young and can't quite handle more than 3 minutes time. Shame, that... but still a truth we have to deal with. I admire your Talent.
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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A good read though langors on, partly from I'm sure a lack of knowledge of previous Chapters. Pardon, Story is well done, writing quite engrossing. I fear our audience is the young and can't quite handle more than 3 minutes time. Shame, that... but still a truth we have to deal with. I admire your Talent.
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Thank you for bringing that up about the young audience. Yes, I have to keep that in my mind. I agree with you. A shame, but something we have to live with as entertainers. We are ruled by the time between commercials. I'm so glad to have you read this chapter. I'd be delighted if you'd return.
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I will, often. If you will permit. I'm working a Project, a Novel. My intention is for young Readers, 14-25. I would engage Audio Talent and will hopefully set this to Word in Print both Page and eBook, then also Audio Book. Your thoughts are invaluable, your Talent apparent.
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Try everything ... but unless e-print and or conventional publication turns a very abrupt and/or un-returnable corner, start with print first, through an agent -- and being patient. There is no way an individual can promote a novel like a brick and mortar publisher can. I am forced to do differently because of my age. At seventy-four, I don't have time for as much patience. The Trining will come out in three volumes in e-print (well, I'll take a stab at getting an agent, but unless he/she jumps at it, I'm outa here! Hope that helps.
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It does, Jay. Oh, and thanks for the insights. Invaluable!
Comment from c_lucas
Everyone has had the experience at first contact, either liking or hating someone without just cause. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Everyone has had the experience at first contact, either liking or hating someone without just cause. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 12-May-2014
reply by the author on 12-May-2014
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Thanks, Charlie, for continuing to follow this story. Your input is invaluable to me.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
As usual, the dialogue moves fine and the story unfolds before our eyes, but maybe you may consider how much history and setting you want to put in dialogue form without interspersing action. it is a matter of style, and of story construction, but it can also work against you if all the action and conflict there is comes from dialogue discrepancies between characters.
As always, some suggestions:
--I woke after a fragmented and fitful sleep. A feeling l>>I woke after a fragmented and fitful sleep. A feeling l<<
Extra space. You got quite a few of those extra spaces (two spaces) after a period in this post.
--Yet, strangely it was only a feeling,
>>Yet, strangely, it was only a feeling, <<
--"I'm sorry, but--but you know who you are: I am Klasco Braanz. I am 4 Ds old. I remember my childhood, when I fell in love and married Metra. I remember the birth of my children. You know yourself so well that you can't imagine what it would be like not to know yourself.
Somewhere a missing quotation mark here but as it's got italics, hard to tell where they should go.
--"Yes, yes, yes!" I found myself nearly shouting, and seeing the stunned expression on Klasco's face, I laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, but--but you know who you are: I am Klasco Braanz. I am 4 Ds old. I remember my childhood, when I fell in love and married Metra. I remember the birth of my children. You know yourself so well that you can't imagine what it would be like not to know yourself.
"But, suppose one morning you wake up and there is no Klasco Braanz. Moreover, you find yourself in a place you've never been before. You do have that feeling of a dream, however, with an inner nudging that if you could just recapture it you would find your identity in it. Now, there is a you in the sense that your eyes see you have a body, it has all the other working senses. You have things you like and things you don't like. You want meat to eat, for instance. You don't want to eat roots or grass. You feel pain, fear, and other emotions. The only thing is ... there is no Klasco Braanz.
"But, even though you have no identity you have a language and a shared history with others. You know this because--" I paused to take a deep breath. "You know this because, while you have no identity, you know certain facts like how many inches there are in a foot."
I know it's OK to end paragraphs without quotes, but if you can avoid it would be better. Interspersing with character reactions, actions, or thoughts, helps set the stage and fix location.
--I don't like having things about my family kept from me."
>>I don't like having things about my family kept from me!"<<
--they can understand you.
"Not knowing what type of work you did in your other life,
//
Another paragraph dialog split.
--Klasco smiled, but briefly, and it was replaced by a look of stern skepticism.
"One day, while making bread,...
>>Klasco smiled, but briefly, and it was replaced by a look of stern skepticism.
I said, "One day, while making bread,<<
-- I'll tell you why that name was chosen and who gave it to me.
>> I'll tell you why that name was chosen and who gave it to me."<<
--It was part of the mythology of the Kyreans.
>>It was part of the mythology of the Kyreans."<<
-- Either that or their god."
>> Either that, or their god."<<
--"And, do you know what finally happened to the Kyreans--that caused them to die out?
>>"And, do you know what finally happened to the Kyreans--what caused them to die out?"<<
what and quotes//
--When something from outside finally did attack them they were powerless against it."
>>When something from outside finally did attack them, they were powerless against it."<<
--And, to think I invited you into our home."
>>And, to think I invited you into our home!"<<
--I'm asking you to take it on faith I'm not one of them.
>>I'm asking you to take it on faith that I'm not one of them. <<
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
As usual, the dialogue moves fine and the story unfolds before our eyes, but maybe you may consider how much history and setting you want to put in dialogue form without interspersing action. it is a matter of style, and of story construction, but it can also work against you if all the action and conflict there is comes from dialogue discrepancies between characters.
As always, some suggestions:
--I woke after a fragmented and fitful sleep. A feeling l>>I woke after a fragmented and fitful sleep. A feeling l<<
Extra space. You got quite a few of those extra spaces (two spaces) after a period in this post.
--Yet, strangely it was only a feeling,
>>Yet, strangely, it was only a feeling, <<
--"I'm sorry, but--but you know who you are: I am Klasco Braanz. I am 4 Ds old. I remember my childhood, when I fell in love and married Metra. I remember the birth of my children. You know yourself so well that you can't imagine what it would be like not to know yourself.
Somewhere a missing quotation mark here but as it's got italics, hard to tell where they should go.
--"Yes, yes, yes!" I found myself nearly shouting, and seeing the stunned expression on Klasco's face, I laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, but--but you know who you are: I am Klasco Braanz. I am 4 Ds old. I remember my childhood, when I fell in love and married Metra. I remember the birth of my children. You know yourself so well that you can't imagine what it would be like not to know yourself.
"But, suppose one morning you wake up and there is no Klasco Braanz. Moreover, you find yourself in a place you've never been before. You do have that feeling of a dream, however, with an inner nudging that if you could just recapture it you would find your identity in it. Now, there is a you in the sense that your eyes see you have a body, it has all the other working senses. You have things you like and things you don't like. You want meat to eat, for instance. You don't want to eat roots or grass. You feel pain, fear, and other emotions. The only thing is ... there is no Klasco Braanz.
"But, even though you have no identity you have a language and a shared history with others. You know this because--" I paused to take a deep breath. "You know this because, while you have no identity, you know certain facts like how many inches there are in a foot."
I know it's OK to end paragraphs without quotes, but if you can avoid it would be better. Interspersing with character reactions, actions, or thoughts, helps set the stage and fix location.
--I don't like having things about my family kept from me."
>>I don't like having things about my family kept from me!"<<
--they can understand you.
"Not knowing what type of work you did in your other life,
//
Another paragraph dialog split.
--Klasco smiled, but briefly, and it was replaced by a look of stern skepticism.
"One day, while making bread,...
>>Klasco smiled, but briefly, and it was replaced by a look of stern skepticism.
I said, "One day, while making bread,<<
-- I'll tell you why that name was chosen and who gave it to me.
>> I'll tell you why that name was chosen and who gave it to me."<<
--It was part of the mythology of the Kyreans.
>>It was part of the mythology of the Kyreans."<<
-- Either that or their god."
>> Either that, or their god."<<
--"And, do you know what finally happened to the Kyreans--that caused them to die out?
>>"And, do you know what finally happened to the Kyreans--what caused them to die out?"<<
what and quotes//
--When something from outside finally did attack them they were powerless against it."
>>When something from outside finally did attack them, they were powerless against it."<<
--And, to think I invited you into our home."
>>And, to think I invited you into our home!"<<
--I'm asking you to take it on faith I'm not one of them.
>>I'm asking you to take it on faith that I'm not one of them. <<
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2014
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
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Leo, as usual you've come through with one of your line-by-line reviews. All good stuff. All of which I will go over in detailed fashion. I'm just so happy FS keeps the reviews for each post. I had been keeping all the meaningful ones (like every one of yours) in a folder on my desktop. And, you know what happened! About the extra spaces. I was always brought up to leave two spaces after a period. I know it's changed to just one, but after about 40 years of writing (at the time the change came about) it's a hard habit to break. To be honest with you, I don't like the one space. But that's neither here nor there. Leo, thanks again. As soon as I get the current chapter promoted enough to be read, I'll start on yours. Got a lot of chapters to get caught up. Don't feel, though, that you have to read every one of mine. The best to you, Jay
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Hi Jay, I'm glad you find my reviews useful. As for the two spaces after periods, it was also a hard habit for me to break, but it's only that, at the end of the day: a habit. Habits are successful behaviors and actions of our past that became automatized and therefore unconscious. Now the one-space is a habit LOL!
And it's not that I feel I have to read everyone of yours, but that's really how a better effort of helping can happen, as getting only snippets here and there is not really doing someone's work justice. Also, if I weren't interested in the story, I probably wouldn't continue going through it, either.
Comment from fafa
Dialogues with good punch, well made, a theme that speaks to us of illegal but from a human point of view, should read other chapters to better understand, you notice that the author has experience in the subject, greetings and blessings
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
|
Dialogues with good punch, well made, a theme that speaks to us of illegal but from a human point of view, should read other chapters to better understand, you notice that the author has experience in the subject, greetings and blessings
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2014
reply by the author on 11-May-2014
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Thanks, fafa for visiting and enjoying the story. Hope to see you back soon.