Comment from Delahay

Excellent

This is the first chapter I've read of this story but so far it seems interesting. It's hard to get started into a story this far into a book but this chapter stands alone well enough to read first. It will now take some time to start at the beginning to catch up.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Ward. You are welcome to read them from the portfolio, but you'll get a good idea of the chapters to the current one by reading the previous chapter summary at the beginning of each one. Would love to have you aboard. Thanks... and thanks for thinking of me for the promotional tools.

reply by Delahay on 14-Jun-2014

I thought I was aboard, unless I went of the plank. If your speaking of fans, If you don't mind me yanking on your coat sleeve.

Ward

Comment from JB Lynn

Excellent

I like that as Doctrex gains confidence with Spirit Rain, it reinforces his own determination to accomplish his quest and also to reveal to the other men that he's to be their leader. You're giving us plenty of "evidence" to believe this shift in his character.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

I'm so happy you picked up on that, JB. His bonding with Rain Spirit serves the plot in many ways. I hoped it would be picked up on the overt or intuitive level by most readers. Thank you for your perceptivity.

reply by JB Lynn on 13-Jun-2014

Well, if you haven't figured out by now, I tend to be a pretty intuitive reader. ;)

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I hate it when reviewers come in to review after my story is established and that's what I have done to you. I will only review on this post and your did a good job. I enjoyed reading and the scene was well established.

He smiled at me mischievously. (who else would he smile at? omit 'at me' they're extra words.)

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

Thank you, Barbara. You come by any time. No RSVP needed. I appreciate the catch. I removed "at me". It sounded so right at the time.

Comment from padumachitta

Exceptional

Hi. I am giving you a six because you got the 'horses' down so well. To include words like 'gall', why that gives an old horse woman great joy. You have caught the heart of a good horse and rider. It is not the hours of practice, it is the strength of the bond that is important. A well trained horse will take your over jumps and perform as you are in control. A horse whose heart you hold will run to the death, only because you asked.
Enough of horses.
The moment comes when he must step forward. Ah, the loneliness of knowing one commands people, or must...
padumachitta

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

I think I told you, did I not, Padumachitta, that I know absolutely nothing about horses? Everything you read (including gall, though I don't remember where I said that) was taken from Google search. I love it. Thanks for reading and being so kind with you comments and, OMG, the 6er!

reply by padumachitta on 13-Jun-2014

Hi. I remebered that...which is why I gave you the six:-) You deserve it.
padumachitta
(ps, I just posted a bit of fluff, if you care to read it...)

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

I feel you've reached the place in the story where the characters are very 'user-friendly' with the reader. It feels very comfortable and yet we are anxious for Axtilla. It is quite clever the way you have worked in her influence over the storyteller, most enjoyable. Giddy

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

Giddy, you hit a warm spot in my gut. Wait, no, I went to the bathroom. Seriously, thank you for validating what I'm trying to do. It feels good to know I accomplished it.

Comment from Leonardo Wild

Excellent

Hi Jay,

Hope all is well. Here my line by line suggestions again:

--I agreed. And, then I asked if my brother had spoken to him.
>>I agreed, then I asked if my brother had spoken to him.<<

--Her ears twitched and she pulled back from the reins he guided her by and the pressure of the bit in her mouth.
>>Must be a mistake in the way you put it. If not, it's still awkward.

--But when she got to me she seemed to visibly relax and stretched her head out for me to pet.
>>But when she got to me, she seemed to visibly relax and stretched her head out for me to pet.<<

--And, we don't have much time, so I would like it if you would show me just that.
>>Look, we don't have much time, so I would like it if you would show me just that. <<

--Right up to how I climb on the crossan, how I stop her or get her to turn left or right."
>>I looked at the crossan wearily. "I will even need to know how to climb up on it, as well as how I stop her or get her to turn left or right."<<

--"But, in the mean time I need to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can before the brothers arrive.
>>"But, in the mean time, I need to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can before the brothers arrive. <<

--How do you get him to go? How do you stop him?
>>Him vs. Her. Is she female or is he male?

--lot of rote activities.
>>Activities? Must be a better word.

--"And, have you named her?" he asked.

I told him I hadn't.

>>"And, have you named her?" he asked.

Not yet.<<

--Now," he indicated with a nod in the direction of the inn, "there come the brothers for their crossans."
>>Now," he said, and indicated with a nod in the direction of the inn, "there come the brothers for their crossans."<<

--between a name and invisible rain.
>>between a name and invisible rein.<<
Word play? Rain, rein. It looks like a mistake.

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

I do appreciate your line-by-line crit, Leo, but it has to be taking you away from your own stuff. I do have to tell you I edited the first 5 chapters and am finding myself swaying to your suggestions probably 70 percent of the time. Your experience is shining through. But, don't let it interfere with your own writing and critiquing others' stuff.

Yes, rein and rain is kind of a play on words. It's assuming he thought the stable boy meant "rain". You're the first to mention it. I'll mull that one over.

Thanks, friend.

reply by Leonardo Wild on 13-Jun-2014

No worries, Jay. I do it gladly and you are not the only one that learns from my revisions ... LOL!

No, seriously, it is taking away time, yes, but this is what we are here for. The help I've received has also been wonderful and yes, we may get points and FS dollars, yet the idea is to get it to promote our stuff so others are more willing to critique it. But more valuable than receiving FS dollars and points is to received constructive critiques ... which is truly what this is all about, anyway.

Comment from DanielEkine

Excellent

Explained and written eloquently. Definitely a main stage story from the author. A great use of SPAG command and presentation.
""Not that I remember."

He started chuckling as from a source of hidden knowledge. "She'll be reminding you a time or two. Yes, I believe she will.""
Nicely paragraphed and very well spaced.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks, Daniel, for hanging in there. I'm glad you are enjoying the read.

Comment from marion

Excellent

wake me up," said Klynch(,) "He had to take his crossan to exercise.
Hi Jay

I am not following the book so can only pop in now and then to read a chapter and make a few comments. Not on plot. As always, the writing is professional. Clean and easy to read. I like that! Being a lover of horses, I really like the paragraph of thought, as to how you became decided on Rain Spirit. Really, really liked that! It was like I too was deciding! However, I went with Bond, impulsively!!!! I love the name Mud!!! Very original as to how that came to be.

A couple of small things...


(either fullstop here or chanhe capital H for he to lowercase)


"So, that's what it will be, then()" Sheleck said,
(add fullstop)

"We have to go, without delay(,)" I said aloud.

I enjoyed.
Marion.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Marion, it's a success to me just to have you stop by and read a chapter here and there. I'll check on those nits a little later. I can't believe I make such foolish errors.

Comment from Fridayauthor

Excellent

Nicely written as usual. I especially like the saddling bit. There is quite a lot of detail but it works very well.

had to get to him before Axtilla--before she--but it was a dream, after all!
before her (?) or would the sentance continue...before she did something?

Paragraph break after "Left".

Nice chapter

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thank you for your kind remarks and for picking up on the nits. I took care of them. You are appreciated!

Comment from trevorletang

Excellent

Thanks for including a summary of what has taken place so far and the list of characters is great. This chapter draws the reader right in and makes for a really good read. Will love to read some more. Great work

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thank you, Trevor. I'm glad you stopped by, read it and I hope will be coming back.

Jay