Locked Away
Within a shattered soul...54 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
compelling presentation of your poem, which is in good rhyming couplets
good alliteration starting with the first line in locked/lingering/long and gasps of ghosts and others
great personification like in the yawning Mother Earth
good vocab choices to convey the speaker's dark thoughts of despair
vivid detail of setting with strong sensory and emotional appeal Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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compelling presentation of your poem, which is in good rhyming couplets
good alliteration starting with the first line in locked/lingering/long and gasps of ghosts and others
great personification like in the yawning Mother Earth
good vocab choices to convey the speaker's dark thoughts of despair
vivid detail of setting with strong sensory and emotional appeal Brooke
Comment Written 24-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Thank you for your comments concerning my poetic ramblings, Brooke. ~Dean
Comment from forestport12
More superb descriptions where you know how to work an adverb in
poetry. "Sweet mother yawns, beckoning-Her open maw is cold and damp."
A cavernous poem of depth.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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More superb descriptions where you know how to work an adverb in
poetry. "Sweet mother yawns, beckoning-Her open maw is cold and damp."
A cavernous poem of depth.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
Comment from rod007
Here we go, that festering dark mind of yours is at work again--this time 'locked away in solitude, in lingering long shadows. I believe the members here are the people you desperately need to 'confide in.'
Well done, Dean.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Here we go, that festering dark mind of yours is at work again--this time 'locked away in solitude, in lingering long shadows. I believe the members here are the people you desperately need to 'confide in.'
Well done, Dean.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Ron. I appreciate your comments.
Yes, there are many here in whom I like to confide in. However, there are just as many here with whom I'd rather not.
Thanks again. ~Dean
Comment from daeneam
Sometimes, I feel this way. I never realized it has horrific implications. But, I'm glad, we are aware of God's great love for us and we will not be bothered so much of pain and suffering. It's just temporary. c", mae
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Sometimes, I feel this way. I never realized it has horrific implications. But, I'm glad, we are aware of God's great love for us and we will not be bothered so much of pain and suffering. It's just temporary. c", mae
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
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I will always understand! Have a nice day and God bless you! c", Mae
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Dean
"In dungeons deep the soulless sleep" ... I'm not sure of this line. I do believe in Hell, and the endless torment that awaits the unsaved there. There is no hope for them if they turned from God's free gift of salvation. I don't understand an eternity of suffering, but it's there, I guess. It's hard enough for me to contemplate eternity in Heaven. But, one place or the other, our souls must go. I don't believe in Purgatory and getting prayed into Heaven. But you write "the soulless sleep". The soul is what's there, our bodies left behind in graves. And, I don't believe they will ever sleep. Sleep is only what the physical body needed. The spiritual body has no need of sleep.
I'm not sure if this person has just died, and finds himself in Hell. Or if they have given up on life, and don't realize that there is a Savior. The poem seems filled with despair, confusion, indecision, and hopelessness. This seems like a nightmare, resulting from a searching soul.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Hi Dean
"In dungeons deep the soulless sleep" ... I'm not sure of this line. I do believe in Hell, and the endless torment that awaits the unsaved there. There is no hope for them if they turned from God's free gift of salvation. I don't understand an eternity of suffering, but it's there, I guess. It's hard enough for me to contemplate eternity in Heaven. But, one place or the other, our souls must go. I don't believe in Purgatory and getting prayed into Heaven. But you write "the soulless sleep". The soul is what's there, our bodies left behind in graves. And, I don't believe they will ever sleep. Sleep is only what the physical body needed. The spiritual body has no need of sleep.
I'm not sure if this person has just died, and finds himself in Hell. Or if they have given up on life, and don't realize that there is a Savior. The poem seems filled with despair, confusion, indecision, and hopelessness. This seems like a nightmare, resulting from a searching soul.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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I left the particulars rather vague as to who, what, where, when and why, in this for a reason, Kimbob. There are many types of hell one can go through. For recovering men who've been through combat, their particular "hell", if you will, is known as PTSD. My own is known as clinical manic depression. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed, and I'm a firm believer in God, the Bible, and all of its many promises. So, why do I suffer so? What purpose does it serve, so I can write more despondent, melancholy prose and poetry?
Who can say for sure. All I know is that I pray daily for it to cease. Or that He simply decides to call me home for good to end it all. It's a daily struggle, and I'm so very tired.
Thanks very much for your thoughtful review. ~Dean
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http://youtu.be/N_yUd7f_S2c
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Dean...I am finally taking a break and figured I'd see what you are up to! I am glad I dropped in.
Ah, the torment of the darned...we lock ourselves in chans of pain and then wonder who has the key...odd creatures we are.
I seem to have been swallowed up by a house...ah
I hope to get it together to be back on the site soon...hopefully the toilets will be finished the end of the week...and tomorrow we can move stuff into the living room...which means we can set up the guest room..tonight we can move into our bedroom, which means we can sort out the office...which we have been sleeping in...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Hi Dean...I am finally taking a break and figured I'd see what you are up to! I am glad I dropped in.
Ah, the torment of the darned...we lock ourselves in chans of pain and then wonder who has the key...odd creatures we are.
I seem to have been swallowed up by a house...ah
I hope to get it together to be back on the site soon...hopefully the toilets will be finished the end of the week...and tomorrow we can move stuff into the living room...which means we can set up the guest room..tonight we can move into our bedroom, which means we can sort out the office...which we have been sleeping in...
padumachitta
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Sounds like you've been very busy, padu. I hope everything is going pretty much according to schedule. It sounds as if you're doing quite well in that department.
I sincerely hope everything works out, just the way you've planned.
Thanks so much for dropping by, it was nice hearing from you. :)
~Dean
Comment from donastell20
I enjoyed reading this story in verse, from start to finish and I thought it was extremely imaginative with good detail.
It was very well written.
Thank you for sharing it.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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I enjoyed reading this story in verse, from start to finish and I thought it was extremely imaginative with good detail.
It was very well written.
Thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Dean. Great work mate. As is always the case this one flows beautifully and is expertly written and presented. How is the work on the book coming along? Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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G'day Dean. Great work mate. As is always the case this one flows beautifully and is expertly written and presented. How is the work on the book coming along? Cheers Fez
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Fez. I appreciate your kind comments concerning the poem.
The book is coming along splendidly, my friend. Thanks for asking. :)
~Dean
Comment from NomaFaith
You are naturally poetic. I like the dark imagery. My favorite lines are: "No sense of where I ought to be, no comprehensive wizened sneer, A shattered mind just marking time, I yearn to be away from here." I can identify with this. As always I love your work.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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You are naturally poetic. I like the dark imagery. My favorite lines are: "No sense of where I ought to be, no comprehensive wizened sneer, A shattered mind just marking time, I yearn to be away from here." I can identify with this. As always I love your work.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
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Lol! You are very welcome. I always like to comment on the lines I like most. It's easier to cut and paste if you can.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Whew! A super-downer even for you, Dean. Well done for what it is, however. :)
I dwell within the cold, cruel confines of a hopeless shattered mind. << You need a comma between hopeless and shattered if you meant to use the adjective "hopeless" --OR-- you need to change it to an adverb with no comma: hopelessly shattered
with sharpened nails I bid; so long. << We've been thru this before when I corrected you, but I must do it again, because what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong, no matter how you look at it. Poetic license does not allow for incorrect use of punctuation. That said, REMOVE that semi-colon after "bid"... please. It's giving me a migraine. LOL! :)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Whew! A super-downer even for you, Dean. Well done for what it is, however. :)
I dwell within the cold, cruel confines of a hopeless shattered mind. << You need a comma between hopeless and shattered if you meant to use the adjective "hopeless" --OR-- you need to change it to an adverb with no comma: hopelessly shattered
with sharpened nails I bid; so long. << We've been thru this before when I corrected you, but I must do it again, because what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong, no matter how you look at it. Poetic license does not allow for incorrect use of punctuation. That said, REMOVE that semi-colon after "bid"... please. It's giving me a migraine. LOL! :)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thank you, Phyllis. I have made the necessary and requested editing suggestions. As always, I appreciate the thoughtful review and your contributions. ~Dean
