Tiny Tales of Terror
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Lonely"Multi-authored book of flash/micro horror fiction
16 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
"...that still smelt of her mum."........I've never cared for that word, "smelt", G-man. Reminds me of fish. Just a suggestion, what about something like, >b>that still held the sweet scent of her mum. Just a suggestion based on personal preference. ~DK
This is a chilling tale. I'm guessing demonic possession is at work. Demons often try and emulate the things, or people, children are closest to to gain their trust. One that bond is made and the trust is there, it's quite easy for them to enter into their chosen host. Or so legend has it...
Great addition to our book, my fellow horror aficionado. And that ending...WOW!...a real shocker, heh-heh... ~Dean
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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"...that still smelt of her mum."........I've never cared for that word, "smelt", G-man. Reminds me of fish. Just a suggestion, what about something like, >b>that still held the sweet scent of her mum. Just a suggestion based on personal preference. ~DK
This is a chilling tale. I'm guessing demonic possession is at work. Demons often try and emulate the things, or people, children are closest to to gain their trust. One that bond is made and the trust is there, it's quite easy for them to enter into their chosen host. Or so legend has it...
Great addition to our book, my fellow horror aficionado. And that ending...WOW!...a real shocker, heh-heh... ~Dean
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for the great review, Spooky. I have already put the art work in too. It is awesome. The book is really shaping up with a lot of great stories now.
All the best
G
Comment from Sis Cat
A terrifying Tiny Tale of a Terror that had me reading until the end. You start with the sweet and mundane and end with the dark and insane.
Only spat is that a comma is needed after "you" in "Can I sleep beside you Daddy?"
This is a tight piece of flash horror fiction that calls to mind monsters sleeping beneath children's bed. Thank you for scaring.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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A terrifying Tiny Tale of a Terror that had me reading until the end. You start with the sweet and mundane and end with the dark and insane.
Only spat is that a comma is needed after "you" in "Can I sleep beside you Daddy?"
This is a tight piece of flash horror fiction that calls to mind monsters sleeping beneath children's bed. Thank you for scaring.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for the great review, Sis Cat. Glad you 'enjoyed' this one. G
Comment from tfawcus
This builds nicely to a very creepy ending. Details such as the 'My Little Pony' pillow and the little girl clinging 'like ivy on a wall' set up a normal situation, soon to be destroyed by the strange sequence of events. One minor typo in 'the undistrubed (undisturbed) side of the bed' which I missed on first reading. We tend to see what we expect to see! Unlike poor, unfortunate Ivor.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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This builds nicely to a very creepy ending. Details such as the 'My Little Pony' pillow and the little girl clinging 'like ivy on a wall' set up a normal situation, soon to be destroyed by the strange sequence of events. One minor typo in 'the undistrubed (undisturbed) side of the bed' which I missed on first reading. We tend to see what we expect to see! Unlike poor, unfortunate Ivor.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for the review and the keen eye. Very much appreciated.
GMG
Comment from Michaelk
Okay, I got chills on this one. Excellent job.
You built your story to perfection. Creating a familiar atmosphere that readers could empathize with, and then you threw it down the stairs. :)
'Daddy? What are you doing?' was where I got my first chill and realized something was not right. That's when it all when sideways.
A couple things I noticed.
'he was (sure) had nit been there before.'
And one line that tripped me up, "Mommy was lonely, weren't you?"
That line just doesn't feel right to me. It takes me out of the moment. Maybe if you took off the 'weren't you?' part. Or if you said, 'Mommy said she was lonely'.
Maybe it's just me, but other than that, this was a masterful addition to the book. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Okay, I got chills on this one. Excellent job.
You built your story to perfection. Creating a familiar atmosphere that readers could empathize with, and then you threw it down the stairs. :)
'Daddy? What are you doing?' was where I got my first chill and realized something was not right. That's when it all when sideways.
A couple things I noticed.
'he was (sure) had nit been there before.'
And one line that tripped me up, "Mommy was lonely, weren't you?"
That line just doesn't feel right to me. It takes me out of the moment. Maybe if you took off the 'weren't you?' part. Or if you said, 'Mommy said she was lonely'.
Maybe it's just me, but other than that, this was a masterful addition to the book. Excellent job.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for this great review and very generous rating. The first part was written as real with my daughter having nightmares (her mum / my wife is still with us!).
I have re-jigged that 'Mommy' line and split the dialogue so the 'weren't you?' comes at the end of the sentence.
Much appreciated as always
G
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Yes! Perfect. Now I see that she was talking to the shadow. Before it seemed as if she were talking to daddy when she said 'weren't you?'. Your small change make the chill factor even stronger. Great job.
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Many thanks again, Michael.
Comment from jpduck
I hate to be doing this, Gareth, but this definitely doesn't have your usual smooth flow to it. It's quite hard to pin down beyond indicating some of the points where I felt it:
'He even managed the 'why?''
'He set her down on the unslept in side of the bed and pulled the covers over her.'
'He looked again and saw a few splinters of wood on the bed base.'
But I loved 'She clung to him like ivy on a wall.' And also the powerful ending.
Typos/SPAGs:
'Georgia stop and watched.' (Apart from the typo of 'stop', I think this would be stronger simply as 'Georgia watched').
'as she looked upwards and raised her little hand.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
PS That is much better. I have raised the ranking to five. I don't know if that works, but I hope so.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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I hate to be doing this, Gareth, but this definitely doesn't have your usual smooth flow to it. It's quite hard to pin down beyond indicating some of the points where I felt it:
'He even managed the 'why?''
'He set her down on the unslept in side of the bed and pulled the covers over her.'
'He looked again and saw a few splinters of wood on the bed base.'
But I loved 'She clung to him like ivy on a wall.' And also the powerful ending.
Typos/SPAGs:
'Georgia stop and watched.' (Apart from the typo of 'stop', I think this would be stronger simply as 'Georgia watched').
'as she looked upwards and raised her little hand.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
PS That is much better. I have raised the ranking to five. I don't know if that works, but I hope so.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Ah, Adrian. you have just confirmed what I was thinking myself. I couldn't put my finger on it either, so I posted to see how it went. I have omitted some lines, and changed others around now. It flows a bit better now I think.
Many thanks for the honest response - this is what reviewing should be all about, in my opinion. Much appreciated, as always.
G
Comment from amahra
Wow, that ending was amazing. Great story. It really got me at the end.
Eyes wide, mouth open, screaming. [ Great action in this very short sentence. Mark of a good writer.]
He set her down on the unslept [inside] or [portion] of the bed
The small hairs on his shaved head [hairs on a shaved head?] or [small hairs on a balding head, perhaps?]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Wow, that ending was amazing. Great story. It really got me at the end.
Eyes wide, mouth open, screaming. [ Great action in this very short sentence. Mark of a good writer.]
He set her down on the unslept [inside] or [portion] of the bed
The small hairs on his shaved head [hairs on a shaved head?] or [small hairs on a balding head, perhaps?]
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Many thanks for the great review. I am glad the ending got you! Many thanks for the suggestions, I have altered the shaved head part. We used to use that expression for getting a very short cut a number 1 or 2 for example! Much appreciated. GMG
