Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 76 "Black Maned Lions"My book of poems and stories
22 total reviews
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Hi, I feel the pain in the eyes of this once king of beasts, and oft a symbol of higher aspirations and respect for life in stories of civilisation's founding hopes, wisdom and vision. Whilst this pain is well captured in your poem, now that so many Words that have been the vehicle and hope for humanity, so oft speak of death, blackness and destruction of all life on this precious cosmic and fragile island in space.
I never knew this particularly magnificent creature existed. I wonder where? India or Africa?
Thank you for your artistic powerful, and moving sharing. Blessings for the contest and Christ-massed, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Hi, I feel the pain in the eyes of this once king of beasts, and oft a symbol of higher aspirations and respect for life in stories of civilisation's founding hopes, wisdom and vision. Whilst this pain is well captured in your poem, now that so many Words that have been the vehicle and hope for humanity, so oft speak of death, blackness and destruction of all life on this precious cosmic and fragile island in space.
I never knew this particularly magnificent creature existed. I wonder where? India or Africa?
Thank you for your artistic powerful, and moving sharing. Blessings for the contest and Christ-massed, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I am so pleased that you are able to absorb something out of my meager effort to bring a bit more publicity to the plight of these animals. They are so beautiful. I thank you for your review. This particular type of lion lives in Africa.
Comment from Glasstruth
People don't realize when we hunt these animals to extinction that we're one step closer to ours. A poem that has a definite message which is as important, if not more than language itself. Maybe we'll wake up. Thanks for sharing. Les
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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People don't realize when we hunt these animals to extinction that we're one step closer to ours. A poem that has a definite message which is as important, if not more than language itself. Maybe we'll wake up. Thanks for sharing. Les
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I am glad that you understand what I have written and reviewed it for me. The constant stripping of their habitat is also a big problem.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting and thought-provoking poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. We need to stop the carnage and pillaging of nature and all the wonders that it has to offer. Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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This is an interesting and thought-provoking poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. We need to stop the carnage and pillaging of nature and all the wonders that it has to offer. Well done.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I am glad you understand what I have written. I thank you for your review and kind comments.
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My pleasure.
Comment from patcelaw
I was in a museum once where this wealthy man had many animals he had hunted and then had them mounted. It is a shame that his lion is almost extinct. Patricia
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I was in a museum once where this wealthy man had many animals he had hunted and then had them mounted. It is a shame that his lion is almost extinct. Patricia
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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We have had a lot of news lately with the shooting of one in Africa. It is a shame. I thank you for your review of my poem.I am glad you understand it.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A good haiku and a very rate lion species with black mane, we have to take care not to make them distinct too. Good luck with the contest
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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A good haiku and a very rate lion species with black mane, we have to take care not to make them distinct too. Good luck with the contest
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Thanks so much for reviewing for me and for your kind words.
Comment from Sambangi
Hi,
I appreciate you for writing this piece on an animal in extinct. As per haiku rules on Fanstory, first two lines shall be grammatically interconnected and should form a concrete image. Second line forms an image in your poem but not the first one. Third one should be a satori or aha feeling should come. I think you still have some time to re-write/modify. However I like the subject you have chosen and the poem as such is good. But to call it a haiku, you have to modify. I'm not an expert in haiku as well :)
Good luck
Sambangi
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Hi,
I appreciate you for writing this piece on an animal in extinct. As per haiku rules on Fanstory, first two lines shall be grammatically interconnected and should form a concrete image. Second line forms an image in your poem but not the first one. Third one should be a satori or aha feeling should come. I think you still have some time to re-write/modify. However I like the subject you have chosen and the poem as such is good. But to call it a haiku, you have to modify. I'm not an expert in haiku as well :)
Good luck
Sambangi
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I have looked into your suggestions, which I very much appreciate, and have made changes in the entry. Thank you so much for your comments and review.
Comment from c_lucas
The only animal that should be hunted to extinction is man. He has done more damage than good. This is very well written with an interesting flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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The only animal that should be hunted to extinction is man. He has done more damage than good. This is very well written with an interesting flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much for your review and kind comments. I appreciate your time.
Comment from Domino 2
Although there are many differing opinions on haiku, it is generally accepted amongst experts, it should be written completely in lower case (except for proper nouns).
Most also agree there should be two lines of inter-connected and grammatically correct vivid imagery (written as one flowing sentence, PLUS a SEPERATE line of insight, or 'aha' comment on that imagery.
'Gerunds' (many 'ing-ending' words) are also discouraged.
However, I really did enjoy your tribute to the 'stately lion', and your excellent 2nd line imagery.
Best wishes, Ray.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Although there are many differing opinions on haiku, it is generally accepted amongst experts, it should be written completely in lower case (except for proper nouns).
Most also agree there should be two lines of inter-connected and grammatically correct vivid imagery (written as one flowing sentence, PLUS a SEPERATE line of insight, or 'aha' comment on that imagery.
'Gerunds' (many 'ing-ending' words) are also discouraged.
However, I really did enjoy your tribute to the 'stately lion', and your excellent 2nd line imagery.
Best wishes, Ray.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I was so impressed with your comments and suggestions of which I was unaware of. I have purchased a Haiku book of poetry but, as yet, have not read it. I made much modification and believe I have come as close to what you have described as Haiku as I possibly can. Thank you so very much for your review and time.
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My pleasure, and thanks for being so gracious.
Re: my PM reply, my friend.
There are so many conflicting 'expert' opinions on haiku, it's difficult to know exactly what to take notice of.
There is lots of advice on line if you have time to 'Google' it.
Cheers, Ray xx
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I fporgot to take another peek, which I just have.
Just a very quick and humble suggestion for the 3rd line 'satori' to make it more 'separate' and 'aha', and to retain your meaning, would be:
'carnage camouflaged'
This also adds 'C' alliteration.
Ray xx
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Thank you again for your insightful suggestion. I feel like I have not created the poem myself if I copy exactly what you have suggested so I changed it a bit to claim ownership of the line. I am putting in "carnage is concealed". I hope it still fits with the same imagery you have suggested. I am so appreciative of your input.
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I understand what you mean, and I didn't mean to be so nit-picky and got carried away. :-)
'carnage is concealed' is at least as good as my suggestion - maybe better!
Ray xx
Comment from kiwisteveh
Your poem presents a vivid picture of these rare wild animals and makes a statement about them, but it fails to live up to the very best haiku which not only create a picture in the reader's mind, but then also startle or surprise with an apt or though-provoking satori line.
Perhaps it is the fault of the contest instructions which only give the bare essentials of the form - it is always a good idea to do a little further reading to discover more about how to write these tricky pieces.
Steve
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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Your poem presents a vivid picture of these rare wild animals and makes a statement about them, but it fails to live up to the very best haiku which not only create a picture in the reader's mind, but then also startle or surprise with an apt or though-provoking satori line.
Perhaps it is the fault of the contest instructions which only give the bare essentials of the form - it is always a good idea to do a little further reading to discover more about how to write these tricky pieces.
Steve
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I thank you for your review and comments.I actually have purchased a poetry book to do just that. I felt something lacking in my poem but did not know what. Thank you for your explanation.
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Good on you. It's a constant learning subject, that's for sure.
There are a few haiku experts here (on FanStory) who are happy to share their knowledge. If you ask for help in the poetry section of the forum you will get plenty of assistance and they will be able to refer you to lots of web-sites too.
Comment from fafa
The true thing is that it is true, they will beextinct in a little time if they keep on beinghunted by sport, a good haiku for contest, Ihope that you should have the result thatyou wish, greetings and congratulations,happy 2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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The true thing is that it is true, they will beextinct in a little time if they keep on beinghunted by sport, a good haiku for contest, Ihope that you should have the result thatyou wish, greetings and congratulations,happy 2016
Comment Written 05-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2015
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I thank you for your review and kind words. Have a good day.