The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Piper, part 3"Young Adult Fantasy
20 total reviews
Comment from Pam (respa)
-You have created another suspenseful chapter and left the reader wondering who this Fae is and what he wants from Piper.
-If I had to guess, I think he wants whatever talent it is that links Piper to his grandfather:
..." the Fae glanced at the grave for a moment, then back at Piper. His face took on a more serious expression. "Perhaps this is not the best time and place for this discussion."
-It is good that the guard showed up, but he paints a grim picture of the Fae.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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-You have created another suspenseful chapter and left the reader wondering who this Fae is and what he wants from Piper.
-If I had to guess, I think he wants whatever talent it is that links Piper to his grandfather:
..." the Fae glanced at the grave for a moment, then back at Piper. His face took on a more serious expression. "Perhaps this is not the best time and place for this discussion."
-It is good that the guard showed up, but he paints a grim picture of the Fae.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging comments about the chapter. You may be on the right track with your suspicions.
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You are very welcome for the comments. I appreciate your response, but will wait to see what comes next:)
Comment from Aiona
Oo! Suspenseful writing! I love the "No. Now I am convinced we need to wait." line. That made me laugh out loud. Lots of good tension between all the characters and even the environment.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Oo! Suspenseful writing! I love the "No. Now I am convinced we need to wait." line. That made me laugh out loud. Lots of good tension between all the characters and even the environment.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the excellent review. I am pleased that you liked tension between the characters, and that you also laughed at the interaction between Piper and the Fae. I appreciate you dropping by to read and review.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well, it seemed the Fae meant him no harm for he would have had plenty of time to attack the boy. I'm surer he had a reason to contact Piper and we will eventually find out why. Good Job. Nancy
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Well, it seemed the Fae meant him no harm for he would have had plenty of time to attack the boy. I'm surer he had a reason to contact Piper and we will eventually find out why. Good Job. Nancy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi Nancy,
You are so right. If the Fae wanted to harm Piper, he would have already done it. Thank you for the excellent review. I appreciate you dropping by to read and review.
Debi
Comment from Writingfundimension
Debi, you continue to impress me with your writing style. I think you have a very good feel for what your audience wants. You've built the tension well from the first encounter with the Fae to the rustling in the bushes. Especially good, to my mind, was the re-introduction of the soldier who seems to be keeping an eye on Piper. I think the younger reader would find that a welcome comfort.
Great job, Debi!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Bev
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Debi, you continue to impress me with your writing style. I think you have a very good feel for what your audience wants. You've built the tension well from the first encounter with the Fae to the rustling in the bushes. Especially good, to my mind, was the re-introduction of the soldier who seems to be keeping an eye on Piper. I think the younger reader would find that a welcome comfort.
Great job, Debi!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Bev
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi Bev,
You say such nice things. And six stars! Thank you for your generosity, both in stars and in the encouraging comments.
Debi
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I'm absolutely loving this story, Debi.
You're very welcome... well deserved!
:) Bev
Comment from Benny Beeharry
Hi friend, this is getting more like a prof. Very glib and very flowing, with everydetail checked and following one another. It is absolutely a pleasure to read this follow up. In fact i am a child at heart, i like mystery..not macabre but things that make one think and interested. Fae, what a great name to give to that mystery man although at the back it sounds as if he is ruthless. A tribe or Alien, who ever he fits well. Very well done indeed.
Thats what the six is for. The story shows dedication and close attention.
Benny Beeharry
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi friend, this is getting more like a prof. Very glib and very flowing, with everydetail checked and following one another. It is absolutely a pleasure to read this follow up. In fact i am a child at heart, i like mystery..not macabre but things that make one think and interested. Fae, what a great name to give to that mystery man although at the back it sounds as if he is ruthless. A tribe or Alien, who ever he fits well. Very well done indeed.
Thats what the six is for. The story shows dedication and close attention.
Benny Beeharry
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hello, Benny Beeharry
Thank you for the six stars and the wonderful comments. You are so generous with both.
I do find that I read a lot of young adult and children's literature. I say it's so I know what to buy for my nieces and nephews, but I do enjoy good fiction of all types. I am happy to hear you are enjoying the story. Thank you so much for continuing to follow it.
Debi
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes imagination is not a fault. True danger lies in one's path. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Sometimes imagination is not a fault. True danger lies in one's path. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi Charlie,
Thank you for the kind comments and inspirational words. I appreciate you dropping by.
Debi
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You're welcome, Debi. Charlie
Comment from giraffmang
Hi,
Another good chapter. The tone was good and consistent with the previous chapters. The descriptions of the Fae both direct and indirect were good.
Why were you looking for me? - needs closing speech marks here.
the Fae gave Piper the once over - I would consider eliminating this line as you previously say - The Fae strode forward, his pale blue eyes studying every inch of Piper as he advanced. This means he has already done this so not a once-over.
there was rustling in the bushes - this phrase is passive (use of was, I am really guilty of this too!), perhaps try - the bushes rustled - it helps to keep in the moment.
G
And please don't pay too much attention to the 2 star review paid to you earlier. It is not reflective of the story or the writing here. Some people has 'issues' and axes to grind.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi,
Another good chapter. The tone was good and consistent with the previous chapters. The descriptions of the Fae both direct and indirect were good.
Why were you looking for me? - needs closing speech marks here.
the Fae gave Piper the once over - I would consider eliminating this line as you previously say - The Fae strode forward, his pale blue eyes studying every inch of Piper as he advanced. This means he has already done this so not a once-over.
there was rustling in the bushes - this phrase is passive (use of was, I am really guilty of this too!), perhaps try - the bushes rustled - it helps to keep in the moment.
G
And please don't pay too much attention to the 2 star review paid to you earlier. It is not reflective of the story or the writing here. Some people has 'issues' and axes to grind.
All the best
G
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi G,
Thank you so much for the close read and the helpful review. I made the changes you suggested and do feel it improves the story. It is nice to get help from someone who knows the ropes. I appreciate you continuing to follow along, especially since I know you have several chapters taking this Piper character in quite another direction. I hope you will finish it.
Thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom as well. I did take that two star review with a grain of salt. I appreciate your concern and the kind remarks to propel me forward to do the next chapter. Thank you so much. Debi
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Debi
_ Another great installment to your story.
_ Nice dialogue and interaction.
_ Nice bit of tension building.
_ All around good chapter.
A couple of things to consider...
<> Correct way to make ellipses.
<> No space at the end of ellipses IF followed by quotes (")
Formula: word,space,control,alt,period,space,word
Yours...
_ "Why would one of your kind..." Piper cringed. "I mean..."
_"I wonder..." the Fae gave Piper the
Suggest...
_ "Why would one of your kind ..." Piper cringed. "I mean ..."
_ "I wonder ..." the Fae gave Piper the
<> Always a comma with direct address.
_ "You alright(,) lad?"
* Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline-Jackie-Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, Debi
_ Another great installment to your story.
_ Nice dialogue and interaction.
_ Nice bit of tension building.
_ All around good chapter.
A couple of things to consider...
<> Correct way to make ellipses.
<> No space at the end of ellipses IF followed by quotes (")
Formula: word,space,control,alt,period,space,word
Yours...
_ "Why would one of your kind..." Piper cringed. "I mean..."
_"I wonder..." the Fae gave Piper the
Suggest...
_ "Why would one of your kind ..." Piper cringed. "I mean ..."
_ "I wonder ..." the Fae gave Piper the
<> Always a comma with direct address.
_ "You alright(,) lad?"
* Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline-Jackie-Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging review, Jax. I appreciate the help with the ellipses. I'll get them right yet, with your help. Thank for catching the typo with the comma on the direct address. I have it on my original, but must have missed it when I retyped the story into FS.
I appreciate the happy holiday wishes. You have a great Thanksgiving.
Debi
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You're very welcome. (*<*)
Comment from snooker155
a bit slow moving. I think a young adult would be easily bored by this chapter as it seems to drift off into nowhere and not make the reader want to read anymore. Sorry this was very poor from snooker155.
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reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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a bit slow moving. I think a young adult would be easily bored by this chapter as it seems to drift off into nowhere and not make the reader want to read anymore. Sorry this was very poor from snooker155.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the candid comments.
Comment from rydere
Hi, I like this one and how the piper struggles against the crowds to get in the city gate and how he help the little girl who got separated from her family. And how the guards warned him about how something in the darkness I think. But I was thinking about how his grandfather grave and yet was so scared about the stranger's hair pale white? Maybe I got it all wrong , but I'm interested in more, so keep up with the great work, please like to read more. Thanks, for it!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, I like this one and how the piper struggles against the crowds to get in the city gate and how he help the little girl who got separated from her family. And how the guards warned him about how something in the darkness I think. But I was thinking about how his grandfather grave and yet was so scared about the stranger's hair pale white? Maybe I got it all wrong , but I'm interested in more, so keep up with the great work, please like to read more. Thanks, for it!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging comments. I am happy you liked it and grateful to hear you would like to read more.