Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 75 "The Storm"My book of poems and stories
32 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think this is a good entry for this particular competition. Really good imagery produced of the wind and storm.
Nicely penned.
GMG
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Hi there,
I think this is a good entry for this particular competition. Really good imagery produced of the wind and storm.
Nicely penned.
GMG
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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I thank you for your kind review and I am happy that you enjoyed my poem. It was written after the wild storm that we just had here in Washington State.
Comment from Zue65
This is really smooth and I like the way it ended with the word quiet, in response to the challenge of the prompt. The description of the storm from a mild breeze to a raging howl of wind blowing explained best the image being painted by the author. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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This is really smooth and I like the way it ended with the word quiet, in response to the challenge of the prompt. The description of the storm from a mild breeze to a raging howl of wind blowing explained best the image being painted by the author. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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I thank you for your review and I am happy that you enjoyed my poem. I know it takes time to review and I appreciate it.
Comment from rama devi
Third review
Excellent edits. :)
Second review
Good edits. There are still two lines where meter has forced scansion:
Wild wind and rain angrily shook
and
Ducking my head beneath the sheets
an-GRI-ly is forcing the middle syllable to be accentuated. May I suggest a remedy:
Wild wind and rain with anger shook
And for the other line, with ducking unnaturally accenting ING, I recommend:
I ducked my head beneath the sheets
If you do like this latter suggestion, then I recommend changing I to and in the next line so that "I' is not used twice in a row:
I ducked my head beneath the sheets
and felt just like a child
First review (FOUR stars)
Love the proximal end rhyme of riot and quiet! This is one of the better entries in the contest and has an excellent thematic approach exploring the calm after the storm effect. The contrast highlights the quietness well. Very fine phonetics with alliteration and consonance of both S and B and the excellent rhyming.
It flows fine for the most part, though while reading aloud there are some forced lines in terms of flow. The first lines open with iambic rhythm and beats per line of 4/3/4/3 in the first stanza.
but the 2nd stanza diverges into a rhythmic beat of 4/3/3/4
I recommend tweaking these two lines to fit the previous rhythmic groove:
With wind and rain that shook
The metal roof and weather gauge
The next stanza resumes the beat-groove but has forced scansion in lines one and four:
All night long I heard it howl
Suggest adding a one syllable word to fix the meter. Example:
The whole night long I heard it howl
Feeling just like a child
feelING puts an unnatural accent on the second syllable. Suggest revising. Maybe try:
And felt just like a child
The feminine end rhyming works well in this last verse, which sounds fine read aloud:
By morning when the sun came out
With sunbeams all in riot
I was so thankful that at last
I had some peace and quiet
My only other suggestion to fine tune the poem is to consider not using THAT twice in a row here:
That blew the leaves astray
That twirled and swirled and rose aloft
An alternative option for your consideration:
That blew the leaves astray
They twirled and swirled and rose aloft
*using they makes a nice internal rhyme sound too)
Nice internal rhyme of twirled and swirled, by the way.
I enjoyed the energy and imagery of this and it's a contender for my vote but I can't give an honest five stars when there are metrical issues and room for improvement.
I'll be happy to re-review if you revise, though...and adjust the rating accordingly.
Good luck
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Third review
Excellent edits. :)
Second review
Good edits. There are still two lines where meter has forced scansion:
Wild wind and rain angrily shook
and
Ducking my head beneath the sheets
an-GRI-ly is forcing the middle syllable to be accentuated. May I suggest a remedy:
Wild wind and rain with anger shook
And for the other line, with ducking unnaturally accenting ING, I recommend:
I ducked my head beneath the sheets
If you do like this latter suggestion, then I recommend changing I to and in the next line so that "I' is not used twice in a row:
I ducked my head beneath the sheets
and felt just like a child
First review (FOUR stars)
Love the proximal end rhyme of riot and quiet! This is one of the better entries in the contest and has an excellent thematic approach exploring the calm after the storm effect. The contrast highlights the quietness well. Very fine phonetics with alliteration and consonance of both S and B and the excellent rhyming.
It flows fine for the most part, though while reading aloud there are some forced lines in terms of flow. The first lines open with iambic rhythm and beats per line of 4/3/4/3 in the first stanza.
but the 2nd stanza diverges into a rhythmic beat of 4/3/3/4
I recommend tweaking these two lines to fit the previous rhythmic groove:
With wind and rain that shook
The metal roof and weather gauge
The next stanza resumes the beat-groove but has forced scansion in lines one and four:
All night long I heard it howl
Suggest adding a one syllable word to fix the meter. Example:
The whole night long I heard it howl
Feeling just like a child
feelING puts an unnatural accent on the second syllable. Suggest revising. Maybe try:
And felt just like a child
The feminine end rhyming works well in this last verse, which sounds fine read aloud:
By morning when the sun came out
With sunbeams all in riot
I was so thankful that at last
I had some peace and quiet
My only other suggestion to fine tune the poem is to consider not using THAT twice in a row here:
That blew the leaves astray
That twirled and swirled and rose aloft
An alternative option for your consideration:
That blew the leaves astray
They twirled and swirled and rose aloft
*using they makes a nice internal rhyme sound too)
Nice internal rhyme of twirled and swirled, by the way.
I enjoyed the energy and imagery of this and it's a contender for my vote but I can't give an honest five stars when there are metrical issues and room for improvement.
I'll be happy to re-review if you revise, though...and adjust the rating accordingly.
Good luck
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Thank you so very much for your most in depth review of my poem. I appreciate when I get a review like yours pointing out suggestions for improvement as I am new at putting all of the parts and pieces together properly. I take all of your suggestions seriously and will work on improving my poem. Thank you again.
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Thanks for your gracious response yo my review. So glad you found it helpful! Please let me know when you revise and I'll re-review. :)
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Sorry. I just left a message on your site. I hope I did it right. Like I said I am new to this and fairly new to the site also. Thanks.
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Hi there--I just made a second review with some more suggestions. :)
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I thank you again for your input. I am hoping that experience helps me to improve. I know it will if I get reviews like yours. I appreciate the time you have taken to explain in so much detail how I can correct.
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Thanks again for your gracious response to my review. On my way for an upgrade! :)
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is well described, and it has nice rhythm, rhyme and flow. I was relieved when the storm became quiet. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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This is well described, and it has nice rhythm, rhyme and flow. I was relieved when the storm became quiet. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Thank you for your review and I am happy that you like my poem. It is descriptive of the wild storm that we just had here in Washington.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your poem. Good job with the prompt. You described the storm and aftermath well. Good use of alliteration and rhyme. I see no changes. Good job and best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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I enjoyed your poem. Good job with the prompt. You described the storm and aftermath well. Good use of alliteration and rhyme. I see no changes. Good job and best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Thank you for your review and I am happy that you like my poem. It is descriptive of the wild storm that we just had here in Washington.
Comment from mfowler
This is a great entry in the topic as it focuses its attention from the very beginning on why you would want to achieve quiet. Your sweetly written verses flow nicely and describe the storm that bothered your night perfectly. My favourite verse:
All night long I heard it howl
It never sounded mild
I hid my head beneath the sheets
Feeling just like a child
I wish you all the best in the vote.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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This is a great entry in the topic as it focuses its attention from the very beginning on why you would want to achieve quiet. Your sweetly written verses flow nicely and describe the storm that bothered your night perfectly. My favourite verse:
All night long I heard it howl
It never sounded mild
I hid my head beneath the sheets
Feeling just like a child
I wish you all the best in the vote.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Thank you for your review and I am happy that you like my poem. It is descriptive of the wild storm that we just had here in Washington.
Comment from LanceHill
Nicely written poem. I can see how the weather could keep you from receiving good sleep. It's sad when you have to look forward to morning for rest. Thanks for sharing. God bless.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Nicely written poem. I can see how the weather could keep you from receiving good sleep. It's sad when you have to look forward to morning for rest. Thanks for sharing. God bless.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Glad you liked my poem. I enjoyed writing this one because we just had a big storm here. Thanks for the review.
Comment from patcelaw
Sometimes peace and quiet seem to elude us and we find we get aggravated at the din around us all day long. in this world with so much arguing, fighting and killing I feel distressed and have to turn out all the torrent of noise. Patricia
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Sometimes peace and quiet seem to elude us and we find we get aggravated at the din around us all day long. in this world with so much arguing, fighting and killing I feel distressed and have to turn out all the torrent of noise. Patricia
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much for reviewing my poem. I appreciate your time.
Comment from lancellot
Well, this is very nice. It began with a tempest raging and then settled down to a calm and peaceful morning, just what the character needed. Good alternating rhyme too. Excellent
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Well, this is very nice. It began with a tempest raging and then settled down to a calm and peaceful morning, just what the character needed. Good alternating rhyme too. Excellent
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much for your time reviewing my poem and I am so happy that you liked it. I wrote after the storm we just had here in Washington.
Comment from Leineco
:-)
There really is nothing quite like the silence that comes when a raging storm dies down. Or for that matter, any quiet delivered by nature (like the muffled silence after a blizzard, or the cessation of a tornado's freight train-like roar)
You did a wonderful job describing the storm. . .
making us remember the relief when peace and quiet finally comes! :-)
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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:-)
There really is nothing quite like the silence that comes when a raging storm dies down. Or for that matter, any quiet delivered by nature (like the muffled silence after a blizzard, or the cessation of a tornado's freight train-like roar)
You did a wonderful job describing the storm. . .
making us remember the relief when peace and quiet finally comes! :-)
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much for your time reviewing my poem and I am so happy that you liked it. I wrote after the storm we just had here in Washington.