Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Affair"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
13 total reviews
Comment from Sankey
Another great chapter. So glad to be along for the ride. Good story telling. Keep up the good work. I guess Cody is easy prey for those who want him in trouble. One spag.The years he had know(n) the cornshucker were many.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Another great chapter. So glad to be along for the ride. Good story telling. Keep up the good work. I guess Cody is easy prey for those who want him in trouble. One spag.The years he had know(n) the cornshucker were many.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from mfowler
I think you're improving in leaps and bounds as this novel develops. This scene with the suspect is beautifully rendered with one exception that I'll discuss later. You've learnt to use dialogue and action in perfect harmony to SHOW emotion and create mood. I really felt the pain of that poor guy as the interrogation proceeded. And the dismissal of Taylor was equally well done. This was witty and authentic writing:
Sheriff Daniels took a long swallow of cool water from the tumbler on the desk where they were seated.
As mentioned earlier, one element of the telling needs improvement. In Paragraphs 7-10, you discuss how Werner's feeling. The whole section is an example of 'Information Dumping', a guaranteed way to TELL, not SHOW. There is always a need for some of that as the story would get way too long, but it needs breaking up to keep the reader engaged. Use internal thought in italics, an action such as 'pouring water' or 'coughing loudly'. Have someone else interject, maybe give some of the back story. All these things SHOW, and don't create these passages of explanation on behalf of the author.
You have SHOWN really well throughout this chapter except for there. You probably know all this stuff, but in case it's of some use, I've gone into detail this time.
Your story's going really well.
SOME SUGGESTIONS
reiterated one more time, saying...to 'reiterate means to say it again, so 'one more time' creates a redundant statement. Well worth leaving out. Also leave out 'saying' as 'reiterated' is the only tag line you need in this section of dialogue.
The question was could he undo the right? ...no question mark needed as this isn't a question.
He paused for a moment to reflect,...use a period here. The following dialogue doesn't connect directly to his reflection.
Sheriff," Werner remarked knowing he ...comma after 'remarked'
"What do you want Fred?" ...comma after 'want. You always need one when you say something and address a person directly. Learnt that one here on FS and I've checked it.
want to know Brock." ...comma after 'know'.
"This ain't over Daniels!" ...comma after 'over'
"It is for you Taylor,"...comma after 'you'
Give me your story straight Werner."...comma after 'story'
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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I think you're improving in leaps and bounds as this novel develops. This scene with the suspect is beautifully rendered with one exception that I'll discuss later. You've learnt to use dialogue and action in perfect harmony to SHOW emotion and create mood. I really felt the pain of that poor guy as the interrogation proceeded. And the dismissal of Taylor was equally well done. This was witty and authentic writing:
Sheriff Daniels took a long swallow of cool water from the tumbler on the desk where they were seated.
As mentioned earlier, one element of the telling needs improvement. In Paragraphs 7-10, you discuss how Werner's feeling. The whole section is an example of 'Information Dumping', a guaranteed way to TELL, not SHOW. There is always a need for some of that as the story would get way too long, but it needs breaking up to keep the reader engaged. Use internal thought in italics, an action such as 'pouring water' or 'coughing loudly'. Have someone else interject, maybe give some of the back story. All these things SHOW, and don't create these passages of explanation on behalf of the author.
You have SHOWN really well throughout this chapter except for there. You probably know all this stuff, but in case it's of some use, I've gone into detail this time.
Your story's going really well.
SOME SUGGESTIONS
reiterated one more time, saying...to 'reiterate means to say it again, so 'one more time' creates a redundant statement. Well worth leaving out. Also leave out 'saying' as 'reiterated' is the only tag line you need in this section of dialogue.
The question was could he undo the right? ...no question mark needed as this isn't a question.
He paused for a moment to reflect,...use a period here. The following dialogue doesn't connect directly to his reflection.
Sheriff," Werner remarked knowing he ...comma after 'remarked'
"What do you want Fred?" ...comma after 'want. You always need one when you say something and address a person directly. Learnt that one here on FS and I've checked it.
want to know Brock." ...comma after 'know'.
"This ain't over Daniels!" ...comma after 'over'
"It is for you Taylor,"...comma after 'you'
Give me your story straight Werner."...comma after 'story'
Comment Written 01-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments, support, and nit findings are appreciated. Keep them up!
Comment from RosieCus
Well written, sooth and flowing. The characters are well drawn and the dialogue is believable. The interaction between the characters is excellent. I'm sorry that I can't find any fault with the story lol. It"s fortunate for the character that infidelity wasn't punishable by death?Or maybe it wasn't so fortunate after all. Great story.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Well written, sooth and flowing. The characters are well drawn and the dialogue is believable. The interaction between the characters is excellent. I'm sorry that I can't find any fault with the story lol. It"s fortunate for the character that infidelity wasn't punishable by death?Or maybe it wasn't so fortunate after all. Great story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
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You're welcome
