2016 GYPSY's HAIKU
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Red Ink"a published book of haiku
19 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Wonderful combination of nature's rain and rain of tears Gypsy!
Compelling narration of a bitter moment in time that seems to
stop all other time dead in its tracks. Powerful focus on that
singular zoomed in on event. And a heartbreaking closing
senryu.
Two things nudged the "critic" part of my reading -
1) the title should not include critical words contained in the haibun
(and usually is stated as either just a title or haibun (title).
If I might be so bold - I would suggest "haibun (precipitation)
2) Blood in the last line of the senryu felt kind of overly dramatic.
Perhaps incorporating salt would be more evocative (like salty rain).
:-) Just some thoughts to consider :-)
Overall - powerful post Gypsy!
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Wonderful combination of nature's rain and rain of tears Gypsy!
Compelling narration of a bitter moment in time that seems to
stop all other time dead in its tracks. Powerful focus on that
singular zoomed in on event. And a heartbreaking closing
senryu.
Two things nudged the "critic" part of my reading -
1) the title should not include critical words contained in the haibun
(and usually is stated as either just a title or haibun (title).
If I might be so bold - I would suggest "haibun (precipitation)
2) Blood in the last line of the senryu felt kind of overly dramatic.
Perhaps incorporating salt would be more evocative (like salty rain).
:-) Just some thoughts to consider :-)
Overall - powerful post Gypsy!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Thank your for the feedback, I will check it out.
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi GBR,
you have written a really nice Haibun. I have attempted this but I failed miserably.
I don' seem to be able to grasp the haiku part at all. I just seem to mess it up.
This was quite a sad poem and very topical at the moment.
Great art work.
Brenda:))x
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Hi GBR,
you have written a really nice Haibun. I have attempted this but I failed miserably.
I don' seem to be able to grasp the haiku part at all. I just seem to mess it up.
This was quite a sad poem and very topical at the moment.
Great art work.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Dear, Brenda, you didn't fail, you learned something new and it takes lots of practice to get it right. I have been writing them for over a year and you should see my first ones LOL they were horrible. If you ever want to learn haiku I can help you but you don't have to do it. I envy your ability to rhyme so well, I can't do that.
Thank you sweetie pie,
Gypsy
Comment from Pantygynt
This is beautiful and so different from most. Also you have personalised it and not fallen into the third person trap that has caught out so many this time. The same is true of your haiku as iot is of th prose. Well done tHis is one of the week's best I think.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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This is beautiful and so different from most. Also you have personalised it and not fallen into the third person trap that has caught out so many this time. The same is true of your haiku as iot is of th prose. Well done tHis is one of the week's best I think.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Wow, what an awesome review, Sir Gynt, I appreciate the feedback and the kind words.
Gypsy
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Gypsy,
Your haibun is great--sad topic but written in a great way. Your prose places the readers there with you seeing the rain on the letter. Good use of words that describe the rain & tears intermingling and blurring the letter.
What a sad thing to have to face, but his memory will live on forever.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Gypsy,
Your haibun is great--sad topic but written in a great way. Your prose places the readers there with you seeing the rain on the letter. Good use of words that describe the rain & tears intermingling and blurring the letter.
What a sad thing to have to face, but his memory will live on forever.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 24-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much :) You are so sweet and I appreciate that you took the time to read and review my haibun. I enjoyed writing it.
Gypsy
Comment from danpald
The last note
The last remarks
Each to frame
In the heart
Soon the tears will flow
Well the heart will grow
Finding place for the memory
While fear and hate still streams
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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The last note
The last remarks
Each to frame
In the heart
Soon the tears will flow
Well the heart will grow
Finding place for the memory
While fear and hate still streams
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Dan.
Comment from barkingdog
The depth of emotion that you've managed to capture in this haibun is amazing.
Not one word is wasted. Punctuation can do so much.
You haiku clarifies the letter's importance. We know that her soldier is dead.(rain drop bleeds)
Excellent.
:) e
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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The depth of emotion that you've managed to capture in this haibun is amazing.
Not one word is wasted. Punctuation can do so much.
You haiku clarifies the letter's importance. We know that her soldier is dead.(rain drop bleeds)
Excellent.
:) e
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much :) You are so sweet and I appreciate that you took the time to read and review my haibun. I enjoyed writing it.
Gypsy
Comment from MizKat
Hi Gypsy,
You did a really nice job in writing this poem too. You're sure learning all kinds of different kinds to write. I'm doing good if I can write anything. LOL
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Hi Gypsy,
You did a really nice job in writing this poem too. You're sure learning all kinds of different kinds to write. I'm doing good if I can write anything. LOL
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Thank you very much :) You are so sweet and I appreciate that you took the time to read and review my haibun. I enjoyed writing it.
Gypsy
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You are really great at learning to write all kinds of poetry.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Why(,) God? ... Need a comma after "why" here, Gypsy ...
It's sad when any member of anyone's military leaves to defend their country's honor, only to wind up being KIA, Gypsy.
I thought the sounds of rain really helped lend an added layer of realism to this haibun which was already portraying an all too common, all too real scenario.
Your haiku summed up the prose portion of your haibun quite nicely, although I have to admit, I wanted to read your satori line as "rain drops bleed", rather than the way in which it was actually written.
Excellent work, though, as usual.
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reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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Why(,) God? ... Need a comma after "why" here, Gypsy ...
It's sad when any member of anyone's military leaves to defend their country's honor, only to wind up being KIA, Gypsy.
I thought the sounds of rain really helped lend an added layer of realism to this haibun which was already portraying an all too common, all too real scenario.
Your haiku summed up the prose portion of your haibun quite nicely, although I have to admit, I wanted to read your satori line as "rain drops bleed", rather than the way in which it was actually written.
Excellent work, though, as usual.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2016
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There is a blood drop on the letter, just one, and it mixed with the rain making it bleed through the paper. I guess I should have been more, clear. I forget people can't actually look into my mind ... like volcans do. LoL Thank you honey.
Thank you very much :) You are so sweet and I appreciate that you took the time to read and review my haibun. I enjoyed writing it.
Gypsy
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Sure thing, anytime.
Comment from michaelcahill
Wow. This is very haikuish in nature even in the prose part. How poignant and striking the imagery is and heart wrenching to be honest. A unique approach that none of us took. One of the top entries without a doubt. You're one of us, stop wandering away. I knew I shouldn't have let you off leash. Jeesh. (see the rhyme there?) LOL
Great job, Gypsy Haibun Queen of Heartache, mikey xxoo
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reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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Wow. This is very haikuish in nature even in the prose part. How poignant and striking the imagery is and heart wrenching to be honest. A unique approach that none of us took. One of the top entries without a doubt. You're one of us, stop wandering away. I knew I shouldn't have let you off leash. Jeesh. (see the rhyme there?) LOL
Great job, Gypsy Haibun Queen of Heartache, mikey xxoo
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2016
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LoL Gypsy Corleone= ''Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in. ..'' LoL Yes, buddy, I am one of you. :) I am a free spirit, wandering is what I do, sweetie pie. xoxoxo
Gypsy Haibun Queen of Heartache HUGS