The Tower
I'll do it.41 total reviews
Comment from Fridayauthor
You certainly have a way of requiring careful reading! There is so much here that can be missed if you don't take the time to examine the story slowly.
This is a great piece of writing, not easy, but so excellent it is worth the time.
The dialog is wonderfully woven it carries the story perfectly.
Great job!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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You certainly have a way of requiring careful reading! There is so much here that can be missed if you don't take the time to examine the story slowly.
This is a great piece of writing, not easy, but so excellent it is worth the time.
The dialog is wonderfully woven it carries the story perfectly.
Great job!
Comment Written 24-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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This is some heady stuff, Ray. Thank you so much. I wish more people took the time to read it slowly and carefully. There is so much room for improvement, though. Rama Diva (is that right?) mentioned there needed a tad more setting description in the beginning to fix the characters in their environment. I need to give some thought to that, but the danger there is to the narrative flow. I'll put it aside and look at it later. Again, thank you, Ray for your encouraging words and the SIX!
Comment from rama devi
Hi Jay! I've been wanting to review you for some time now, but always find it is the middle of a book, and prefer not to read and review middle-of-a-book chapters, so I was happy to stumble onto this one today, when I have time to review (As I am waiting for slow internet to download some things!)
I admire your gift for super-detailed descriptive narrative without the details being too much or slowing the pace.
This is a vivid descriptive section - superbly orchestrated and paced well:
Rory's hair was the orange of a not-quite-ripe tomato. His eyes, perpetually amazed, lips full and mobile, his expression now conveying a readiness for full-scale retreat into an I-was-just-kidding smile. In the center of his forehead, two fresh quarter-inch indentations, the half-moon shape of the nails of opposing index fingers straddled either side of a match-head-sized pink mound. Ten years of accumulated successes scarred his cheeks. You'll be a challenging sketch, Rory. His lips framed a glimpse of uneven teeth, and then he finished: "They'll have a hard time keeping their eyes on their son."
How3ever, I found myself a bit lost through more than half of this because the basic setting was not given clearly in the beginning and also I had not yet gotten to know the characters, so the names did not mean much yet. I found myself not sure what the story ws getting at though the dialog did have good swift pacing, true to life authenticity and helped to enhance characterization slightly. However, other than the fact that more than one person was the teacher's favorite and that they were hanging out and eating pancakes, I was unsure what exactly this story is about (in terms of conflict/resolution plot etc.).
Also, the main reason for the four stars is that the narrator "I" is completely undefined and I did not know who it was, since there was a character named Jay (was that you?) already. So I could not figure out if this first person was meant to be you or someone else.
I like the mysterious character Clarence--a hermit and a Guru of sort s9if I am interpreting correctly?)
Excellent writing other than the confusing aspect noted above. Noticed no spags but one typo:
six(-)year-old girl whose body
I did not get drawn into the story fully until the second half. Really feel this needs reworking for the opening setting and establishing a connection with the characters (especially the narrator).
It has potential...and lots of interesting details too. Hope you rework it a bit...it's a compelling share.
Are you considering writing a memoir?
Warm Regards,
rd
PS Happy to re-review if you revise. Do let me know
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2016
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Hi Jay! I've been wanting to review you for some time now, but always find it is the middle of a book, and prefer not to read and review middle-of-a-book chapters, so I was happy to stumble onto this one today, when I have time to review (As I am waiting for slow internet to download some things!)
I admire your gift for super-detailed descriptive narrative without the details being too much or slowing the pace.
This is a vivid descriptive section - superbly orchestrated and paced well:
Rory's hair was the orange of a not-quite-ripe tomato. His eyes, perpetually amazed, lips full and mobile, his expression now conveying a readiness for full-scale retreat into an I-was-just-kidding smile. In the center of his forehead, two fresh quarter-inch indentations, the half-moon shape of the nails of opposing index fingers straddled either side of a match-head-sized pink mound. Ten years of accumulated successes scarred his cheeks. You'll be a challenging sketch, Rory. His lips framed a glimpse of uneven teeth, and then he finished: "They'll have a hard time keeping their eyes on their son."
How3ever, I found myself a bit lost through more than half of this because the basic setting was not given clearly in the beginning and also I had not yet gotten to know the characters, so the names did not mean much yet. I found myself not sure what the story ws getting at though the dialog did have good swift pacing, true to life authenticity and helped to enhance characterization slightly. However, other than the fact that more than one person was the teacher's favorite and that they were hanging out and eating pancakes, I was unsure what exactly this story is about (in terms of conflict/resolution plot etc.).
Also, the main reason for the four stars is that the narrator "I" is completely undefined and I did not know who it was, since there was a character named Jay (was that you?) already. So I could not figure out if this first person was meant to be you or someone else.
I like the mysterious character Clarence--a hermit and a Guru of sort s9if I am interpreting correctly?)
Excellent writing other than the confusing aspect noted above. Noticed no spags but one typo:
six(-)year-old girl whose body
I did not get drawn into the story fully until the second half. Really feel this needs reworking for the opening setting and establishing a connection with the characters (especially the narrator).
It has potential...and lots of interesting details too. Hope you rework it a bit...it's a compelling share.
Are you considering writing a memoir?
Warm Regards,
rd
PS Happy to re-review if you revise. Do let me know
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much, Rama. This is precisely the type of review I needed, particularly my stinginess in the development of setting. Of course you are absolutely right. It's now on my checklist. Much obliged.
Jay in the story is me. I chose to develop an understanding of Jay by using another for the first person POV. That distances him from Jay. It was not happenstance that George (which happens to be my "legal" name), was an artist. I wanted to portray someone who could isolate a particular character or moment in a scene by "freeze-framing" him in a sketch and be a stabilizing presence in this babble (think "Tower of" ... with allowance for spelling) of unfinished thoughts, personal agenda, and general buzz of confusion.
So ... nearly all was intended, even the structure that urged the serious reader to move slowly through the scenes. Not intended was the parsimony in the setting. You couldn't have given be more cogent advise, Rama. I am putting your name on my list for next month's "Thumbs up" recipients. I gave away my last one a few days ago.
No re-review necessary. I wear my 4 stars as a badge of honor.
You ROCK!
Jay
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Ah yes, that makes sense. Interesting idea. I like the George character. Also liked the feature focus on the Tower card. A unique approach!
Thanks for your gracious response and thumbs up slot and wonderfully encouraging comments, dear Jay! You rock too! So pleased you won the ROM. :)
Love,
rd
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I could have sworn, by the way, you said you had to leave FanStory. I'm so happy you stayed.
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I did leave...and then so many people offered to sponsor my staying, I relented and decided to visit intermittently. :) So I am not fully here, but not fully gone... Thanks!
Warmly, rd
Comment from cterp
I had a hard time getting into this one, but then it turned into a remarkable story. I think maybe you tried to pack too much into your opening descriptions and didn't take the time to lay the groundwork for the college dorm or frat setting; we're just suddenly in this group of young men talking about what we come to realize are Tarot cards of all things. Not the first topic that pops to mind when you think of 20-year-old men.
When you mentioned U of T in a piece called The Tower, I thought, oh no, we aren't going there, are we?? Fortunately, not. If you meant somewhere other than the U of Texas, perhaps you could say.
chris
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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I had a hard time getting into this one, but then it turned into a remarkable story. I think maybe you tried to pack too much into your opening descriptions and didn't take the time to lay the groundwork for the college dorm or frat setting; we're just suddenly in this group of young men talking about what we come to realize are Tarot cards of all things. Not the first topic that pops to mind when you think of 20-year-old men.
When you mentioned U of T in a piece called The Tower, I thought, oh no, we aren't going there, are we?? Fortunately, not. If you meant somewhere other than the U of Texas, perhaps you could say.
chris
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Hey, Chris, you weren't the only one who couldn't get into it. That's cool. I didn't intend it as an easy read. I wanted to get the feel of a roomful of people all talking at cross-purposes, with George being the stablizing force encapsulating the moment in his sketch.
It wasn't a college frat situation (which also a lot of people thought). They worked as counselors in a school/home for emotionally disabled children, fictitiously called Arton Heights.
People who followed my series, "Down and Out in San Antonio," and afterwards, "Down and Out in Austin" recognize that. The only difference is while the others were in the 1st person POV from Jay's perspective, This one, in an attempt to get a little distance and clarity is from George's 1st person account of Jay and his environment. Hope that helps clarify intent, though it doesn't do anything to assist reader connectivity. LOL, thanks though for reading.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay Great writing here. You appear to be getting much better with adding detail in your work, which for me has always seemed very signigicant because it helps to put the reader right there with the action.
The imagery is superb: "Gregory flung his scan like a net over the room, and his untethered, shoulder-length hair whipped first left and then right, presumably to ascertain if anyone else was as baffled as he."
And here: " his expression now conveying a readiness for full-scale retreat into an I-was-just-kidding smile. (yes)
And: " Rory talked about his huge testicles. Grapefruit sized. It's really hard to keep your eyes off of them. They don't make underwear that big."
Good line to end with too, Jay. "I find eyes are the conveyors of innocence and pride--part and parcel of his Sisyphean journey."
Bravo! Great job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Hi, Jay Great writing here. You appear to be getting much better with adding detail in your work, which for me has always seemed very signigicant because it helps to put the reader right there with the action.
The imagery is superb: "Gregory flung his scan like a net over the room, and his untethered, shoulder-length hair whipped first left and then right, presumably to ascertain if anyone else was as baffled as he."
And here: " his expression now conveying a readiness for full-scale retreat into an I-was-just-kidding smile. (yes)
And: " Rory talked about his huge testicles. Grapefruit sized. It's really hard to keep your eyes off of them. They don't make underwear that big."
Good line to end with too, Jay. "I find eyes are the conveyors of innocence and pride--part and parcel of his Sisyphean journey."
Bravo! Great job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Bob, you are a marvel. Thank you for reading, giving me a six star rating, but most of all for your kind and encouraging remarks. Coming from you, I feel my effort was credible--though most people couldn't get into it.
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Fuck them! LOL
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Nice story, very pleasant read. I like the dialog. It enhances the tone the whole story and the characters are well developed. I love Tarot cards, the Tower card is an important card. I didn't see any SPAG. Good job.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Nice story, very pleasant read. I like the dialog. It enhances the tone the whole story and the characters are well developed. I love Tarot cards, the Tower card is an important card. I didn't see any SPAG. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Rose. Yeah, I think I would expect you liked the Tarots. I've been studying them for years, thanks to Clarence.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is a most excellent reading experience. I truly enjoyed how naturally the dialog is executed as it enhances the tone f the entire piece and develops each character more than any amount of description can. The way the Tarot, specifically the Tower card, is woven throughout is a binding seam that holds all other pieces together beautifully. No SPAG to be had and seamless in progression. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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This is a most excellent reading experience. I truly enjoyed how naturally the dialog is executed as it enhances the tone f the entire piece and develops each character more than any amount of description can. The way the Tarot, specifically the Tower card, is woven throughout is a binding seam that holds all other pieces together beautifully. No SPAG to be had and seamless in progression. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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You indeed made my day. I'm glad you didn't find the language too offensive and, even if you did, you went past it to what I hoped would be perceived as the core of the story. Thank you so much.
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Nope, there is a huge difference between using language simply for shock value and tastefully using it for effect and enhancement. All angels appreciate that :).
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Jay.
You have a very cool, natural/ engaging writing voice. An entertainer's voice... maybe a saleman's voice. Maybe those are the same thing. I enjoy your biographical stuff, just get mesmerized by the little odd quirks of details that you fit and smooth in, a whispy-abstract untouchable between the lines. Looks like this is presented in a semi out of body type of portrayal of self in this biography... having an objective POV inserted into the story to stand as both an anchor to provide a window into the moment, without having to explain information directly as the self, while simultaneously allowing the old self to behave one way, and introspect-slight analysis happen disembodied.
This reads as literature to me; Ha! but what does that even mean? Right!? I guess I'm saying as something of artistic merit that goes beyond a simple off the shelf variety. Something I would see in a high-end magazine that would...well-- not fashion, but high-fashion... if that makes any sense. This is high-fashion reading and takes contemplation to see the sketch of a moment or understanding. The running tower theme... is tied together with a bunch of sketches and then the sketch itself is reevaluated as a tower.
I came away with a bunch of thoughts though, -- am I 'the best' because someone's premise asserts it? Would Clarence's importance or significance or value have greater merit if seconded by other entities who have importance, significance, and value? A moment where lightning struck, and the ego jumped the tower? Being in tune with pride, wants, and expectations...
Also thought, disappointments such as these are recurring events in life and even as you move on, expect that somewhere it will come up again and again. And as you try to make sense and instill a complicated abstract for others, capturing the full dimension of a moment, thread of life, it is as easy as taking three dimensions and putting it in two.
Other things I thought/ noted as I read:
behind the sofa, leaving a ghost of the pillow's shape[,] and a sprinkling of fine dust to settle on the sill.
was a teasing warmth in his voice. (voice.. or tone? I wondered if to use tone... because teasing warmth tone has a nice flow to it, and voice was used a few times above)
Mom and Dad to see Clarence."
I like how you built the room up with curiosity and securing before even getting into the 'what' they are talking about. Allowing the reader to want to know what's going on before allowing them to know what's going on. I still don't know what/who Clarence is or his relevance, but I'm curious to find out... the pace and descriptions all gave something that I then found myself part of it. Really nice effect of the writing)
Gregory turned his gentle, recently-sainted[,]? smile on
(not sure it works as an interrupt. maybe if there was an and I would here the 'interrupt tone'?)
a platter of pancakes in each hand. He placed both on the
(very nicely done here.. stable, drew me in and I enjoyed the descriptions. Well done with this effect too.)
"What difference does it make any way(anyway)?
the chair, he pushed it, scraping across the uneven hardwood floor to the table. (paused here)
"A phony and a pervert."
(I was amused here... this subtle stuff really entertained me... the semantics and the personalities presented, I wouldn't know if it's accurate, but it's done well... their voices all have personality)
"Heard tell his wife died a few years ago." Rory tore off a
(A little hard to read this statement_)
Herm was his best pupil, too."
(Great flow, easy to follow dialogue... nice details of motion, though some descriptions can get in the way of what they mean. I thought here, I wonder how typical this is... the want to believe the cursory... 'you are my favorite/ the best.' When it might be a throw-away notion, and what is its significance? If this one person thinks you are the best. A devastating blow to ego's when the reality of such metrics are examined too closely.)
is fingers and brought them down to the table.
(ha-ha!... left hanging. Guys can be so third grade.)
"With his balls falling to the ground out the side of his shorts," Rory
(For some reason, I got a flash of 'Mrs. Man' A scene from Not another Teen movie. The girl's gym coach... who was a man dressed like a 'woman'... but the balls thing happened in the locker room. Pretty funny imagery, really, though telling of how it left an impact on Rory. An interesting person, this Clarence, who plays on the surface impressions of others. Manipulative in some ways, rejecting in others... an interesting sketch... with Rory banging a gong on a pointed physical attribute to take note.)
(")Geez, Jamison, you know Clarence. Once he found out I'd invested so
there was a similar case of a six(-)year-old girl whose body the police
(a few typos you may have already corrected, but there are missing quotes in several places... like this)
Leaving this work, what I took...
Some of the descriptions... peculiar... eye-catching, flavored.
his Mom and Dad
his mom and dad... (but in truth, consistency is fine. Capitalized only when a direct name. He's taking Mom and Dad to the store. He's taking his mom and dad... but *shrug* consistency is more important I'm thinking. )
Gregory was obviously proud of his attack.
(confusing because it's not so much of an attack but a retort... to an attack on Clarence being a pervert... and the support of that not having a wife.)
"Where's his wife?(")
"Very astute," {I} said. "You ruined my punchline, but yes, Herm was his best pupil, too." (I think you slipped here... I think this should have been Jay... and the above was said by the 'I' who is George. ??)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Hey, Jay.
You have a very cool, natural/ engaging writing voice. An entertainer's voice... maybe a saleman's voice. Maybe those are the same thing. I enjoy your biographical stuff, just get mesmerized by the little odd quirks of details that you fit and smooth in, a whispy-abstract untouchable between the lines. Looks like this is presented in a semi out of body type of portrayal of self in this biography... having an objective POV inserted into the story to stand as both an anchor to provide a window into the moment, without having to explain information directly as the self, while simultaneously allowing the old self to behave one way, and introspect-slight analysis happen disembodied.
This reads as literature to me; Ha! but what does that even mean? Right!? I guess I'm saying as something of artistic merit that goes beyond a simple off the shelf variety. Something I would see in a high-end magazine that would...well-- not fashion, but high-fashion... if that makes any sense. This is high-fashion reading and takes contemplation to see the sketch of a moment or understanding. The running tower theme... is tied together with a bunch of sketches and then the sketch itself is reevaluated as a tower.
I came away with a bunch of thoughts though, -- am I 'the best' because someone's premise asserts it? Would Clarence's importance or significance or value have greater merit if seconded by other entities who have importance, significance, and value? A moment where lightning struck, and the ego jumped the tower? Being in tune with pride, wants, and expectations...
Also thought, disappointments such as these are recurring events in life and even as you move on, expect that somewhere it will come up again and again. And as you try to make sense and instill a complicated abstract for others, capturing the full dimension of a moment, thread of life, it is as easy as taking three dimensions and putting it in two.
Other things I thought/ noted as I read:
behind the sofa, leaving a ghost of the pillow's shape[,] and a sprinkling of fine dust to settle on the sill.
was a teasing warmth in his voice. (voice.. or tone? I wondered if to use tone... because teasing warmth tone has a nice flow to it, and voice was used a few times above)
Mom and Dad to see Clarence."
I like how you built the room up with curiosity and securing before even getting into the 'what' they are talking about. Allowing the reader to want to know what's going on before allowing them to know what's going on. I still don't know what/who Clarence is or his relevance, but I'm curious to find out... the pace and descriptions all gave something that I then found myself part of it. Really nice effect of the writing)
Gregory turned his gentle, recently-sainted[,]? smile on
(not sure it works as an interrupt. maybe if there was an and I would here the 'interrupt tone'?)
a platter of pancakes in each hand. He placed both on the
(very nicely done here.. stable, drew me in and I enjoyed the descriptions. Well done with this effect too.)
"What difference does it make any way(anyway)?
the chair, he pushed it, scraping across the uneven hardwood floor to the table. (paused here)
"A phony and a pervert."
(I was amused here... this subtle stuff really entertained me... the semantics and the personalities presented, I wouldn't know if it's accurate, but it's done well... their voices all have personality)
"Heard tell his wife died a few years ago." Rory tore off a
(A little hard to read this statement_)
Herm was his best pupil, too."
(Great flow, easy to follow dialogue... nice details of motion, though some descriptions can get in the way of what they mean. I thought here, I wonder how typical this is... the want to believe the cursory... 'you are my favorite/ the best.' When it might be a throw-away notion, and what is its significance? If this one person thinks you are the best. A devastating blow to ego's when the reality of such metrics are examined too closely.)
is fingers and brought them down to the table.
(ha-ha!... left hanging. Guys can be so third grade.)
"With his balls falling to the ground out the side of his shorts," Rory
(For some reason, I got a flash of 'Mrs. Man' A scene from Not another Teen movie. The girl's gym coach... who was a man dressed like a 'woman'... but the balls thing happened in the locker room. Pretty funny imagery, really, though telling of how it left an impact on Rory. An interesting person, this Clarence, who plays on the surface impressions of others. Manipulative in some ways, rejecting in others... an interesting sketch... with Rory banging a gong on a pointed physical attribute to take note.)
(")Geez, Jamison, you know Clarence. Once he found out I'd invested so
there was a similar case of a six(-)year-old girl whose body the police
(a few typos you may have already corrected, but there are missing quotes in several places... like this)
Leaving this work, what I took...
Some of the descriptions... peculiar... eye-catching, flavored.
his Mom and Dad
his mom and dad... (but in truth, consistency is fine. Capitalized only when a direct name. He's taking Mom and Dad to the store. He's taking his mom and dad... but *shrug* consistency is more important I'm thinking. )
Gregory was obviously proud of his attack.
(confusing because it's not so much of an attack but a retort... to an attack on Clarence being a pervert... and the support of that not having a wife.)
"Where's his wife?(")
"Very astute," {I} said. "You ruined my punchline, but yes, Herm was his best pupil, too." (I think you slipped here... I think this should have been Jay... and the above was said by the 'I' who is George. ??)
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Last things first, Turtle, YOU were the astute one! You caught me on that one. I made the change to "he". No wonder so many readers were confused. The problem was (I think) all the "Down and Out in Austin" and before that "...in San Antonio" were written in the first person with Jay as the protagonist. I wanted to use the memoir format this time with George as the POV character and Jay being the "subject" of the post. Kinda like "The Great Gatsby" in that regard.
I had already made the corrections on the missing quote marks (unless I forgot to save them--I'll check.)
Your brilliant exegesis of the story as it unfolded is what always sets apart your reviews. As usual, your reviews alone are worth the price of the membership. Thank you, my dear!
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Jay. Sorry I haven't been around much, mate. I was struck down by a truck in the form of a Filipino flu.
What a great yarn. The dialogue is superb as yours always is. The scenery painted with brilliance and put me there with them. I am wondering ... did Clarence do it? I hope not.
One nit...
"Every time Copernicus licked ice cream off the spoon, Mom gagged. Every bite Clarence put it(-it) in his own mouth, she'd gag again."
Great job, Sir and good luck in the contest.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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G'day Jay. Sorry I haven't been around much, mate. I was struck down by a truck in the form of a Filipino flu.
What a great yarn. The dialogue is superb as yours always is. The scenery painted with brilliance and put me there with them. I am wondering ... did Clarence do it? I hope not.
One nit...
"Every time Copernicus licked ice cream off the spoon, Mom gagged. Every bite Clarence put it(-it) in his own mouth, she'd gag again."
Great job, Sir and good luck in the contest.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Hey, Eagle Eye! Thanks for spotting that nit. I changed it. I'm so glad you enjoyed this. YOu are so kind and generous. And, by the way, you were the only one who specifically mentioned the allusion to Clarence possibly doing it. If he did, I didn't hear of it. I truly don't think he had it in him to do that. He was, at bottom, a very moral person. Of course that's what people have said about certain serial killers--which may be the reason they were successful enough in their endeavors to become "serial" instead of "a killer." Thanks again for reading. Didn't you submit a story in this contest? If so ... I'll take your "good wishes" with a wink. LOL.
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No probs, mate. I'm always glad to help a friend.
We can only hope he didn't do it, that would be just so sad.
No, I've been off with some Filipino flu which knocked the tripe out of me, so didn't write for a while. Maybe next time.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I really want to know more about Clarence. That was an interesting character. The group of guys were all very distinct and I felt each one had their own story to tell. Great story. Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I really want to know more about Clarence. That was an interesting character. The group of guys were all very distinct and I felt each one had their own story to tell. Great story. Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Many thanks, Gretchen. Clarence was a dilemma.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Jay,
This is a brilliant piece of writing! The fast paced, back and forth, conversation of the boys was an excellent portrayal of their friendship and college/dorm life. You very adeptly transitioned from the fast pace conversation to a more relaxed atmosphere at the end. Nice job with that. Although Clarence was never specifically described by means of descriptive narrative, I got a vivid picture of the man through odds and ends mentioned in conversation. There was quite a cast of characters, and I had trouble keeping track of who was who. I ended up with paper and pencil, taking notes in order to get them all straight in my head. The dialogue was very real, believable. There was too much foul language for my liking; however, it was true to life for college boys drinking beer, just kicking back and having fun. Did the tower card have a significant meaning that the whole story revolved around? If so, I completely missed it. I took the card to be simply the topic of conversation and different boys ascertained different symbolic meanings. Nice job with this. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Jay,
This is a brilliant piece of writing! The fast paced, back and forth, conversation of the boys was an excellent portrayal of their friendship and college/dorm life. You very adeptly transitioned from the fast pace conversation to a more relaxed atmosphere at the end. Nice job with that. Although Clarence was never specifically described by means of descriptive narrative, I got a vivid picture of the man through odds and ends mentioned in conversation. There was quite a cast of characters, and I had trouble keeping track of who was who. I ended up with paper and pencil, taking notes in order to get them all straight in my head. The dialogue was very real, believable. There was too much foul language for my liking; however, it was true to life for college boys drinking beer, just kicking back and having fun. Did the tower card have a significant meaning that the whole story revolved around? If so, I completely missed it. I took the card to be simply the topic of conversation and different boys ascertained different symbolic meanings. Nice job with this. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much, Suzanne, for the kind remarks and your close reading of my work. I'm very uncomfortable with the language myself, but it was needed to contrast with Jay's refusal to fall under its prey. The Tower card was central in its meaning to the story. Pride and Power with all their various faces--even miming as innocence. Again, thank you, Suzanne.
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Thanks for explaining the Tower card. I feel bad that I missed it being central to the meaning of the story! I must read this again, more carefully, and see if I pick up on the pride, power, and miming as innocence - man, I missed quite a lot! Gotta reread . . .
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No, there are too many who missed the symbolism for the writer to be blameless.
Actually, this post is the end of a rather long journey about my life as a young writer in San Antonio and Austin. I posted them here under the book title, "Down and Out in San Antonio" and the second as "Down and Out in Austin." It was the second book that contained my experiences as a counselor in "Arton Heights School" (a school/home for emotionally disturbed children). Up until yesterday's post, "The Tower" I wrote in in the first person and from Jay's POV.
The Tower was never intended to be part of the Down and Out series. I decided in this post that I wanted to get a more objective view of Jay, so I took the "stable" viewpoint of an artist, whose sketches are like snapshots of the moment. It shores in the confused babble of the other characters (connect with the Tower of Babel). LOL. Anyway ... a history of it.
All are in my portfolio if you've time and interest.
Jay
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I understood what the artist was doing with his sketches. I liked that idea very much, and I totally forgot to mention it in my review. Still going to reread the Tower. :o)