Smity's Forty Niner
How much power can an ego have?33 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
Good entry. Chilling.
The first time you mention the headline, you have quite a long headline. And you forgot to close the quote.
I know people who have died exactly this way. Scary.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Good entry. Chilling.
The first time you mention the headline, you have quite a long headline. And you forgot to close the quote.
I know people who have died exactly this way. Scary.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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emptypage, thank you for your review.
gsnewton75
Comment from MelB
The adrenaline rushed car chasing scene reminds me a little of the movie Here on Earth, although they didn't die at the end. Nice dialogue and a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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The adrenaline rushed car chasing scene reminds me a little of the movie Here on Earth, although they didn't die at the end. Nice dialogue and a good contest entry.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi MelB
Thank you for reading my story. I appreciated your comments.
gsnewton75
Comment from ParkersPath
Great read! I love the subject -- two cars racing on a country road. The breathless danger... The dialog was well done. In fact, it could have used a bit more dialog. A couple of minor quibbles... make sure to add a closing quote to the first headline. Also, add an s to "beside" -- "Besides the bigger engine..."
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Great read! I love the subject -- two cars racing on a country road. The breathless danger... The dialog was well done. In fact, it could have used a bit more dialog. A couple of minor quibbles... make sure to add a closing quote to the first headline. Also, add an s to "beside" -- "Besides the bigger engine..."
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi ParkersPath,
Thank you for your review. I appreciate what you had to say.
gsnewton75
Comment from smreel
As a mother of 2 boys, I was gripping the edge of my seat thinking how stupid boys can be when they're with their friends. Thanks for not letting me sleep tonight;) Good luck with the contest entry!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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As a mother of 2 boys, I was gripping the edge of my seat thinking how stupid boys can be when they're with their friends. Thanks for not letting me sleep tonight;) Good luck with the contest entry!
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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smreel,
I know what you mean! Thanks for your comments.
Best wishes, gsnewton75
Comment from oliver818
This is a good short fiction, well written and exciting. The twist/ surprise at the end is unexpected and a bit terrifying. Thanks for sharing, best of luck with the competition
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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This is a good short fiction, well written and exciting. The twist/ surprise at the end is unexpected and a bit terrifying. Thanks for sharing, best of luck with the competition
Comment Written 30-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi Oliver 818
Thank you for your comments and for reading the story.
Good luck to you and best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello,
This is good idea for a story the story holds the readers' interest
well until it ends with a good twist. You can improve it a bit with some work. Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hello,
This is good idea for a story the story holds the readers' interest
well until it ends with a good twist. You can improve it a bit with some work. Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Gypsy Blue Rose:
Thank you for your comments and for reading my story.
I appreciate what you had to say.
gsnewton75
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi gs,
This was a fast-paced piece that had me holding my breath. The end was oddly anti-climactic, though. Made me feel a bit cheated, not sure why!
The conclusion sort of hit me with an unexpected jerk. It took me a couple of seconds to pause and reflect before I figured out they were dead.
There's a problem with a dead guy "living to tell the tale". I wonder if there's some other way of telling the same story.
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi gs,
This was a fast-paced piece that had me holding my breath. The end was oddly anti-climactic, though. Made me feel a bit cheated, not sure why!
The conclusion sort of hit me with an unexpected jerk. It took me a couple of seconds to pause and reflect before I figured out they were dead.
There's a problem with a dead guy "living to tell the tale". I wonder if there's some other way of telling the same story.
Best wishes for the contest.
Sonali
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Selina Stambi:
Your point is well taken but I was using my out of body
experience perhaps to end the story?
Anyway, thanks for your comments, I appreciated what you had to say.
gsnewton75
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This story has potential. It is an interesting tale of young boys drag racing. However, there is a problem with the POV. The narrator, a member of the racing team' is recounting the story, yet, in the end, we learn he is dead, so there is no possible way he could be alive to write about the event. The narrator needs to be an onlooker who didn't get killed in the race, or someone who participated and survived.
There are a number of things, listed below, I want to bring to your attention.
"Let's find out," (need a period at end of quote, rather than a comma)
"Smith," I yelled, "What time is it?" (second half of the quote should start with a lower case w)
"O.K. "What are the rules?" (quotation marks not needed in front of 'what' also, don't use abbreviations when writing, spell out the word)
The first one back here{,} is the winner. " (no comma needed and there is an extra space between the period and ending quotes)
Beside(s) the bigger engine, he would (add s where indicated)
I really didn't think my boxy {four door} Dodge (hyphenate two-word modifiers that come before a noun; change to 'four-door')
could beat his sleek flat eight, two door Pontiac hard top convertible. (A rule of thumb is that less is better. You have a bunch of adjectives for this noun. All the adjectives do not make this a smooth read. However, if you feel you do need all of them, punctuate as follows: 'Dodge could beat his sleek, flat-eight, two-door Pontiac, hard-top convertible.')
It was {about} five miles out to the Wallace farm (Another rule of thumb when writing - be specific, not general. I would eliminate 'about.')
Taylor and I didn't say a word on the way out[,] and I'm guessing the four in the blue Pontiac were just as quiet. (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
the way out and[,] I'm guessing[,] the four in the blue Pontiac (commas, where indicated, to set apart the parenthetical expression from the rest of the sentence)
"Six[,] {first-team} football players (comma and hyphen where indicated)
"Six first team football players from Jefferson School, ended up in the Harris County jail for racing on old highway 125 Friday afternoon, but nobody gave any thought to how stupid it was. (need ending quote marks)
As we got closer to the starting point I was thinking, I know he can beat me on the straight away and the road between the Wallace farm and the high school was pretty straight until you were about a half mile from school. (Inner dialogue/thought dialogue is indicated by putting it in italics. When the reader sees italics he/she knows it is thoughts so there is no need to tell the reader 'I thought' or 'was thinking,' etc.)
Cadiz Mining Company coal trucks were coming in the opposite direction{s}. (No need for the s on directions.)
road into the cow pasture field. (Take it from an old farmer -a cow pasture and field are two, very different, things. Just say cow pasture.)
When both cars got turned around and were side by side[,] Taylor waved the flag and we were off. (need comma where indicated)
As I suspected, we were bumper to bumper when I tried several times to get past him[,] but his Pontiac was too much for the older Dodge on the straight away to be able to get around him. (need comma where indicated to separate two independent clauses joined with a conjunction)
With engines pushing their maximum RPM's[,] four seniors in the Pontiac and two in the green Dodge had frozen faces staring straight ahead. (need comma where indicated)
the entrance to Sullivan's farm[,] which was {about} a mile from the end. (comma where indicated, and 'about' is vague rather than specific)
front end of a Mack diesel[,] and all of us in both cars would surely die. (need comma where indicated)
Taylor was in the passenger seat of the Dodge when I floored it and started around Glenn's Pontiac -- "No Fred, God sakes, No," he screamed as he was jumping into the back seat, as if that would help. (Don't bury dialogue in descriptive narrative. Dialogue should be in its own paragraph. Also, tag lines are only for identifying the speaker - he screamed. Don't combine descriptive narrative with tag lines.)
I went by his blue[,] [flat-eight] Pontiac. (need comma where indicated and hyphen where indicated)
He had the look of fear and death on his face as I hit the blind curve at 70, I held my breath. (This is a comma spliced run-on sentence. It should be two sentences.)
It was a bright sunny day[,] but we were all walking. (need comma where indicated)
The {knew} the headlines now read, "Six Students Dead on 125!" ('knew' should be 'new' and the syntax is off - there is an extra 'the' in the sentence)
You have quite a lot of excess verbiage that could be eliminated without affecting the story. It would also tighten things up and make stronger writing.
You made unnecessary shifts with past and present tenses. You need to pick one and stick with it.
I don't feel comfortable giving high stars for a piece with so many problem areas. If you have any questions about anything I've written, please feel free to pm me. Also, please understand, my intent is to help you grow as a writer and hone the craft.
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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This story has potential. It is an interesting tale of young boys drag racing. However, there is a problem with the POV. The narrator, a member of the racing team' is recounting the story, yet, in the end, we learn he is dead, so there is no possible way he could be alive to write about the event. The narrator needs to be an onlooker who didn't get killed in the race, or someone who participated and survived.
There are a number of things, listed below, I want to bring to your attention.
"Let's find out," (need a period at end of quote, rather than a comma)
"Smith," I yelled, "What time is it?" (second half of the quote should start with a lower case w)
"O.K. "What are the rules?" (quotation marks not needed in front of 'what' also, don't use abbreviations when writing, spell out the word)
The first one back here{,} is the winner. " (no comma needed and there is an extra space between the period and ending quotes)
Beside(s) the bigger engine, he would (add s where indicated)
I really didn't think my boxy {four door} Dodge (hyphenate two-word modifiers that come before a noun; change to 'four-door')
could beat his sleek flat eight, two door Pontiac hard top convertible. (A rule of thumb is that less is better. You have a bunch of adjectives for this noun. All the adjectives do not make this a smooth read. However, if you feel you do need all of them, punctuate as follows: 'Dodge could beat his sleek, flat-eight, two-door Pontiac, hard-top convertible.')
It was {about} five miles out to the Wallace farm (Another rule of thumb when writing - be specific, not general. I would eliminate 'about.')
Taylor and I didn't say a word on the way out[,] and I'm guessing the four in the blue Pontiac were just as quiet. (Use a comma to separate two independent clauses that are joined with a conjunction.)
the way out and[,] I'm guessing[,] the four in the blue Pontiac (commas, where indicated, to set apart the parenthetical expression from the rest of the sentence)
"Six[,] {first-team} football players (comma and hyphen where indicated)
"Six first team football players from Jefferson School, ended up in the Harris County jail for racing on old highway 125 Friday afternoon, but nobody gave any thought to how stupid it was. (need ending quote marks)
As we got closer to the starting point I was thinking, I know he can beat me on the straight away and the road between the Wallace farm and the high school was pretty straight until you were about a half mile from school. (Inner dialogue/thought dialogue is indicated by putting it in italics. When the reader sees italics he/she knows it is thoughts so there is no need to tell the reader 'I thought' or 'was thinking,' etc.)
Cadiz Mining Company coal trucks were coming in the opposite direction{s}. (No need for the s on directions.)
road into the cow pasture field. (Take it from an old farmer -a cow pasture and field are two, very different, things. Just say cow pasture.)
When both cars got turned around and were side by side[,] Taylor waved the flag and we were off. (need comma where indicated)
As I suspected, we were bumper to bumper when I tried several times to get past him[,] but his Pontiac was too much for the older Dodge on the straight away to be able to get around him. (need comma where indicated to separate two independent clauses joined with a conjunction)
With engines pushing their maximum RPM's[,] four seniors in the Pontiac and two in the green Dodge had frozen faces staring straight ahead. (need comma where indicated)
the entrance to Sullivan's farm[,] which was {about} a mile from the end. (comma where indicated, and 'about' is vague rather than specific)
front end of a Mack diesel[,] and all of us in both cars would surely die. (need comma where indicated)
Taylor was in the passenger seat of the Dodge when I floored it and started around Glenn's Pontiac -- "No Fred, God sakes, No," he screamed as he was jumping into the back seat, as if that would help. (Don't bury dialogue in descriptive narrative. Dialogue should be in its own paragraph. Also, tag lines are only for identifying the speaker - he screamed. Don't combine descriptive narrative with tag lines.)
I went by his blue[,] [flat-eight] Pontiac. (need comma where indicated and hyphen where indicated)
He had the look of fear and death on his face as I hit the blind curve at 70, I held my breath. (This is a comma spliced run-on sentence. It should be two sentences.)
It was a bright sunny day[,] but we were all walking. (need comma where indicated)
The {knew} the headlines now read, "Six Students Dead on 125!" ('knew' should be 'new' and the syntax is off - there is an extra 'the' in the sentence)
You have quite a lot of excess verbiage that could be eliminated without affecting the story. It would also tighten things up and make stronger writing.
You made unnecessary shifts with past and present tenses. You need to pick one and stick with it.
I don't feel comfortable giving high stars for a piece with so many problem areas. If you have any questions about anything I've written, please feel free to pm me. Also, please understand, my intent is to help you grow as a writer and hone the craft.
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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TheWriteTeach:
Wow; I'll fix all the things you mentioned. I appreciate you suggestions.
I know I need an "Editor," Interested?
Thanks for your comments. If I fix everything can I expect a better mark?
Best Regards,
gsnewton
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For what it's worth, I am an editor. Regarding higher stars - sorry, but the answer is no. The fixes won't be your work, they'll be mine - I told you all the answers. I'd be giving higher stars for my work. I liken it to getting a test back at school, changing the wrong answers when the teacher goes over them, and then handing it back in and expect a higher grade.
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Makes sense to me.
I thought; however, the purpose of an editor was to make the work better for the writer. Mybe that's only if you're paying someone for their help? Anyway, thanks for yours.
gsnewton75
gsnewton75
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Makes sense to me.
I thought; however, the purpose of an editor was to make the work better for the writer. Mybe that's only if you're paying someone for their help? Anyway, thanks for yours.
gsnewton75
gsnewton75
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
This is an excellent contest entry which has an intensity about this race that was going to take place. A race for some testosterone overloaded teenage boys. The dialogue is excellent and the four passengers were telling or screaming at Fred not to pass Glenn's car. Your ending seems to have had dire consequences. Well done and I wish you good luck in the contest my friend,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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This is an excellent contest entry which has an intensity about this race that was going to take place. A race for some testosterone overloaded teenage boys. The dialogue is excellent and the four passengers were telling or screaming at Fred not to pass Glenn's car. Your ending seems to have had dire consequences. Well done and I wish you good luck in the contest my friend,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2017
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Hi Jim Lorson Sr.
Thanks so much for your kind review. I appreciate your comments.
Best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from apky
"O.K. "What are the rules?" ~ you need to delete the second quote after OK.
I know he can beat me on the straight away and the road between the Wallace farm and the high school was pretty straight until you were about a half mile from school. ~ since you're thinking this (present tense) you need to align all the verbs accordingly, I think. On the other hand, this could be just your author "style" or "voice".
Entertaining with something to learn about the ego, yes!
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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"O.K. "What are the rules?" ~ you need to delete the second quote after OK.
I know he can beat me on the straight away and the road between the Wallace farm and the high school was pretty straight until you were about a half mile from school. ~ since you're thinking this (present tense) you need to align all the verbs accordingly, I think. On the other hand, this could be just your author "style" or "voice".
Entertaining with something to learn about the ego, yes!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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apky
Good points.
Thank you for reading the story.
I appreciated what you had to say.
gsnewton75
