What Do I Do Now
It pays to keep the faith!26 total reviews
Comment from Just A. Pretense
Overall, awesome job and very thought provoking! To make it an even stronger piece, I have given a few suggested changes below.
There are a few instances like the following sentence where a colon instead of comma should be used. "As I pondered my situation, I tried to console myself by thinking: I'm not the only one this ever happened to!"
When you have a list, you need to make sure every element of that list has the same general congruency such as tense, part of speech and number. In light of that, I would change the following so that you are emphasizing the victims in each element of your list. "I've seen victims of tornados who lost everything they owned have to start over but without any of their precious memories, flood victims who saw their house fill with muddy brown water cry because they didn't have flood insurance, and [victims of fire lose irreplaceable possessions to the ravages of an uncontrollable flame.]"
"When an unexpected thing happened to someone else, I would always say, it could be wors[e]."
"He tempted man by using the benefits that could come from a beautiful innocent tree that [bared bearing] perfect fruit." -I'd scrap both and put bore.
'The snake[] had tricked her into being greedy, "you do want to be as smart as him, right?" he had asked her.'
'The women didn't fair [too] well either; to the women God said, "I will intensify the pangs of your childbearing, in pain shall you bring forth children."'
"Discover[] a new respect for love" -needs to be in present tense like the rest of the list
"In the end, if Good and Evil was a result of Eve's choices and how in man's future knowledge is used[,] then history became a bi-product of their choices."
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Overall, awesome job and very thought provoking! To make it an even stronger piece, I have given a few suggested changes below.
There are a few instances like the following sentence where a colon instead of comma should be used. "As I pondered my situation, I tried to console myself by thinking: I'm not the only one this ever happened to!"
When you have a list, you need to make sure every element of that list has the same general congruency such as tense, part of speech and number. In light of that, I would change the following so that you are emphasizing the victims in each element of your list. "I've seen victims of tornados who lost everything they owned have to start over but without any of their precious memories, flood victims who saw their house fill with muddy brown water cry because they didn't have flood insurance, and [victims of fire lose irreplaceable possessions to the ravages of an uncontrollable flame.]"
"When an unexpected thing happened to someone else, I would always say, it could be wors[e]."
"He tempted man by using the benefits that could come from a beautiful innocent tree that [bared bearing] perfect fruit." -I'd scrap both and put bore.
'The snake[] had tricked her into being greedy, "you do want to be as smart as him, right?" he had asked her.'
'The women didn't fair [too] well either; to the women God said, "I will intensify the pangs of your childbearing, in pain shall you bring forth children."'
"Discover[] a new respect for love" -needs to be in present tense like the rest of the list
"In the end, if Good and Evil was a result of Eve's choices and how in man's future knowledge is used[,] then history became a bi-product of their choices."
Comment Written 23-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Just A Pretense:
Thank you very much for your comments and suggestions.
I appreciate everything you offered in your review.
gsnewton75
Comment from WriterKathy
I felt the theme of your story was good, but there seemed to be quite a few run-on sentences. I think you meant "worse" not "worst" , and I"m not sure if the ending was supposed to be "The Sign said" or "signed". You have definitely put a lot of thought into this subject. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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I felt the theme of your story was good, but there seemed to be quite a few run-on sentences. I think you meant "worse" not "worst" , and I"m not sure if the ending was supposed to be "The Sign said" or "signed". You have definitely put a lot of thought into this subject. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 23-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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WriteKathy
I appreciate all of your comments, "The sign said, "WELCOME TO MY HOME TOWN"
Bless you,
gnewton75
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A journey to find yourself and discover who you are and the meaning of life. Soul searching and realisation that we are sometimes directed by a higher being than ourselves. Memories of the past shaping our future. This faithful write is inspiring and well written and I went on the journey with you. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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A journey to find yourself and discover who you are and the meaning of life. Soul searching and realisation that we are sometimes directed by a higher being than ourselves. Memories of the past shaping our future. This faithful write is inspiring and well written and I went on the journey with you. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Dolly'sPoems;
Thank you so much for your comments. You hit the nail on the
head with the theme! "Memories of the past shaping our future"
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Interesting story, it makes one curious about good and evil, I liked this paragraph the most....
"It took the Devil, in the form of a snake, to represent temptation, shame, greed, and lust. He tempted man by tempting with the benefits that could come from a beautiful innocent tree bearing perfect fruit. The tree of knowledge taught all of man kinds that knowledge has its price. Evil sin was represented by eating the apple and moral sin was represented by Adam and Eve's decision to break God's spiritual order. Adam and Eve compromised man's dignity and ethics due to their lack of trust and faith in the word of God thus making man's future character and integrity dependent on the choices they would make."
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Interesting story, it makes one curious about good and evil, I liked this paragraph the most....
"It took the Devil, in the form of a snake, to represent temptation, shame, greed, and lust. He tempted man by tempting with the benefits that could come from a beautiful innocent tree bearing perfect fruit. The tree of knowledge taught all of man kinds that knowledge has its price. Evil sin was represented by eating the apple and moral sin was represented by Adam and Eve's decision to break God's spiritual order. Adam and Eve compromised man's dignity and ethics due to their lack of trust and faith in the word of God thus making man's future character and integrity dependent on the choices they would make."
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Gypsy Blue Rose:
I appreciate your review. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
Bless you!
gnewton75
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written and brings the reader into the story-line. With God's help , there is no problem too big. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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This is very well written and brings the reader into the story-line. With God's help , there is no problem too big. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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c lucas:
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your thinking about the theme.
gnewton57
Comment from smbau
Great narration of the author's believe, faith exploration within the story. The story leaves readers in suspense, as we still do not know what happens to the main character. Within the story, the author narrates moral lessons he is learning. The story appears to imply that we now have free will choice to break Adam and Eve curse on human race. The decision we make now have consequences.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Great narration of the author's believe, faith exploration within the story. The story leaves readers in suspense, as we still do not know what happens to the main character. Within the story, the author narrates moral lessons he is learning. The story appears to imply that we now have free will choice to break Adam and Eve curse on human race. The decision we make now have consequences.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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smbau
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your thoughts on its
meaning and theme. Bless you!
gsnewton75
Comment from dweigt
Interesting work. You obviously have been giving a great deal of thought to these matters.
I wondered what happened to you, to put you in the predicament at the beginning of the story.
There are some spags you should clean up. Here are the ones that jumped out at me, but I think there are more:
Their needs to be order in the universe. -- Should be "There needs"
It was becomeing evident to be -- becoming. And did you mean -- It was becoming evident to me...?
Use my education and faith to procure spiritual help to avoid the ravages that crime
homelessness would bring. -- crime homelessness? I don't understand.
If one thinks about the New Testament and how much more it is than the Gospels and other writings, one could conclud -- conclude
Good luck in the contest and keep writing!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Interesting work. You obviously have been giving a great deal of thought to these matters.
I wondered what happened to you, to put you in the predicament at the beginning of the story.
There are some spags you should clean up. Here are the ones that jumped out at me, but I think there are more:
Their needs to be order in the universe. -- Should be "There needs"
It was becomeing evident to be -- becoming. And did you mean -- It was becoming evident to me...?
Use my education and faith to procure spiritual help to avoid the ravages that crime
homelessness would bring. -- crime homelessness? I don't understand.
If one thinks about the New Testament and how much more it is than the Gospels and other writings, one could conclud -- conclude
Good luck in the contest and keep writing!
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Thanks dweight for your review and comments.
gnewton75
Comment from Charmisa Parker
Really good! This story definitely makes one curious about good and evil, and even makes me question why God allows this to happen but nonetheless am happy that you wrote this! Five stars!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Really good! This story definitely makes one curious about good and evil, and even makes me question why God allows this to happen but nonetheless am happy that you wrote this! Five stars!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Thanks Charmisa Parker for your comments and review.
gnewton75
Comment from JDRBAR
any of there(their) precious memories,
I(comma) often spent the day together doing fun things
a roast chicken diner(spelling) from time to time
when the snow was just right, the wind was gentle(comma) and the moon was the brightest, Dea
, their mane(plural) and tail(plural) waving in the air and kic
was headed home too(comma) from a day of grazing in the pasture.
I stopped noting nits and errors after the first couple of paragraphs. You need to run your story through a spell and grammar checker, or go over this line by line to spot obvious errors.
The story is excellent. You have a very good style of writing and with the corrections made, would make an excellent entry in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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any of there(their) precious memories,
I(comma) often spent the day together doing fun things
a roast chicken diner(spelling) from time to time
when the snow was just right, the wind was gentle(comma) and the moon was the brightest, Dea
, their mane(plural) and tail(plural) waving in the air and kic
was headed home too(comma) from a day of grazing in the pasture.
I stopped noting nits and errors after the first couple of paragraphs. You need to run your story through a spell and grammar checker, or go over this line by line to spot obvious errors.
The story is excellent. You have a very good style of writing and with the corrections made, would make an excellent entry in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Thank for JDRBAR for your review and comments.
gnewton75
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
I found a typo: There I was, a young 5 (write it out if a number is under double digits)year old, walking home from a day on our neighbor's farm.
Good sentences with adorable wording. Oink, our pig, came from one of Dean's sows and he also made sure we had hens for fresh eggs (no comma), and enough for a roast chicken diner (dinner) from time to time. Baby rabbits with their momma jumped up and down, disappearing from time to time as they ran through tall grass surrounding the brook. A mother duck with a trail of little ducklings following behind were quaking duck songs while swimming in the clear blue waters.
TC
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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Hello, :)
I found a typo: There I was, a young 5 (write it out if a number is under double digits)year old, walking home from a day on our neighbor's farm.
Good sentences with adorable wording. Oink, our pig, came from one of Dean's sows and he also made sure we had hens for fresh eggs (no comma), and enough for a roast chicken diner (dinner) from time to time. Baby rabbits with their momma jumped up and down, disappearing from time to time as they ran through tall grass surrounding the brook. A mother duck with a trail of little ducklings following behind were quaking duck songs while swimming in the clear blue waters.
TC
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2017
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RASMINE,
Thank you for your comments and review.
gnewtonm75
t
