Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Doo meets the Shawnees"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from jdrhye
It's colorful and engaging. I have enjoyed what I read thus far. The characters appear to be well developed. What is taking place is believable and you have managed to add in the dialect. The imagery is good as is the tone and flow. I believe it is an excellent start. My husband who enjoys Westerns would enjoy the story himself.
Keep going and let go of that limb! You got this.
J
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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It's colorful and engaging. I have enjoyed what I read thus far. The characters appear to be well developed. What is taking place is believable and you have managed to add in the dialect. The imagery is good as is the tone and flow. I believe it is an excellent start. My husband who enjoys Westerns would enjoy the story himself.
Keep going and let go of that limb! You got this.
J
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
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I'm letting go of the limb. I hope the next chapter will be as exciting for you. Thanks for the great rating. If your husband likes westerns show it to him and let me know what he thinks.
Comment from Bill Schott
I am enjoying Doo's story so far and started doing a little editing. It got to be a lot, and I didn't finish the last two paragraphs, because it was just comma placements. I only mention these choices below, because I think it makes the text run more smoothly. Just punctuation mostly.
...self-preservation kicked in. He hadn't thought twice; he dropped...
As he was running, he was...
For two days the Shawnees had...
'Some people just don't have a sense of humor,' Doo thought.
The slide to the bottom left him no worse for wear, but the stock...
'This ain't good,' Doo thought.
(Thankful his tracks would be wiped out.) This dependent clause might work better in front of the sentence prior, connected with a comma.
Normally he'd have given up by now, but the one shot...
Prior to that, his plan, if he caught the white man, was...
(Since) he killed Laughing Otter, the plan now was to roast him slowly, after the wom(e)n had tormented him. 'That brown scalp will look good on my war club,' he thought.
"We should keep heading that way; maybe we'll cross his trail."
"It was not my brother killed. If it had been I... (Lonesome Owl said.) This tag isn't necessary.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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I am enjoying Doo's story so far and started doing a little editing. It got to be a lot, and I didn't finish the last two paragraphs, because it was just comma placements. I only mention these choices below, because I think it makes the text run more smoothly. Just punctuation mostly.
...self-preservation kicked in. He hadn't thought twice; he dropped...
As he was running, he was...
For two days the Shawnees had...
'Some people just don't have a sense of humor,' Doo thought.
The slide to the bottom left him no worse for wear, but the stock...
'This ain't good,' Doo thought.
(Thankful his tracks would be wiped out.) This dependent clause might work better in front of the sentence prior, connected with a comma.
Normally he'd have given up by now, but the one shot...
Prior to that, his plan, if he caught the white man, was...
(Since) he killed Laughing Otter, the plan now was to roast him slowly, after the wom(e)n had tormented him. 'That brown scalp will look good on my war club,' he thought.
"We should keep heading that way; maybe we'll cross his trail."
"It was not my brother killed. If it had been I... (Lonesome Owl said.) This tag isn't necessary.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thanks for the pointers. I appreciate that you didn't ding me on the stars.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Earl,
I enjoyed this piece. there is a good voice to it and a solid tone. Raises a wry smile in places too.
A few bits & pieces you may want to have a look at-
A dark brown beard obscured most of his face And his shoulder length hair - and.
self preservation kicked in he hadn't thought twice- feels like you need some punctuation or a conjunctive in here.
Doo never gave a second thought about leaving his winter catch of furs and his horse behind . Though he did wish he could have gotten his horse. - I get that there is a voice to this piece, but this comes across a little contradictory. No second thought to leaving to horse but wishes he hadn't. that's second thoughts.
Swooping Eagle's brow furrowed. The rain had washed away the trail of the white man. Normally he'd have given up by now. / "The rain has washed away the trail," Black Hoof observed. - watch out for needless repetition. These come close together.
"He has been heading to where the sun rises for the past two days," Swooping Eagle said. "we should keep heading that way, maybe we'll cross his trail. - the second piece of dialogue here should start with a capital - We - the previous sentence is closed off by the full stop / period after said. Also you need closing speech marks at the end.
"It was not my brother killed, If it had been I would follow - if.
Black Hoof could care less, every day away - this is a commonly misused phrase. It should be couldn't care less. the way it is phrased means the opposite of the intent.
When splitting your segments, it's best to use a single character or up to three and centre them rather than a whole slew of them across the page.
Keeping with the contours of the ridge he was on Doo made his way down to a meadow - insert a comma after on.
and the height to the river made his stomach - maybe try drop or fall here instead of height.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Hi Earl,
I enjoyed this piece. there is a good voice to it and a solid tone. Raises a wry smile in places too.
A few bits & pieces you may want to have a look at-
A dark brown beard obscured most of his face And his shoulder length hair - and.
self preservation kicked in he hadn't thought twice- feels like you need some punctuation or a conjunctive in here.
Doo never gave a second thought about leaving his winter catch of furs and his horse behind . Though he did wish he could have gotten his horse. - I get that there is a voice to this piece, but this comes across a little contradictory. No second thought to leaving to horse but wishes he hadn't. that's second thoughts.
Swooping Eagle's brow furrowed. The rain had washed away the trail of the white man. Normally he'd have given up by now. / "The rain has washed away the trail," Black Hoof observed. - watch out for needless repetition. These come close together.
"He has been heading to where the sun rises for the past two days," Swooping Eagle said. "we should keep heading that way, maybe we'll cross his trail. - the second piece of dialogue here should start with a capital - We - the previous sentence is closed off by the full stop / period after said. Also you need closing speech marks at the end.
"It was not my brother killed, If it had been I would follow - if.
Black Hoof could care less, every day away - this is a commonly misused phrase. It should be couldn't care less. the way it is phrased means the opposite of the intent.
When splitting your segments, it's best to use a single character or up to three and centre them rather than a whole slew of them across the page.
Keeping with the contours of the ridge he was on Doo made his way down to a meadow - insert a comma after on.
and the height to the river made his stomach - maybe try drop or fall here instead of height.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the grammar pointers.
Comment from royowen
I really enjoyed this Earl. There's nothing like the feel of pursuit to stir the adrenaline, that mild feeling of panic as one is is swept along by both the individual thoughts and feelings of the hunters and the hunted. Well done, good scribing, you captured all these feelings, although missing is when the thindians lost thee trail and when they caught it again, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo (then) he killed Laughing Otter.When?
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2018
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I really enjoyed this Earl. There's nothing like the feel of pursuit to stir the adrenaline, that mild feeling of panic as one is is swept along by both the individual thoughts and feelings of the hunters and the hunted. Well done, good scribing, you captured all these feelings, although missing is when the thindians lost thee trail and when they caught it again, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo (then) he killed Laughing Otter.When?
Comment Written 02-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2018
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He killed Laughing Otter on the second day. thank you for your 5 star rating and taking the time to read my work.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there,
I don't think you have much to fear with this one. I found the story riveting and I loved the way you took the reader into the action. I actually felt the arrow pass right by my ear!
I wish I had a six left for you - but I'm out.
I will be on the lookout for the continuation of this one,
~MP~
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
I don't think you have much to fear with this one. I found the story riveting and I loved the way you took the reader into the action. I actually felt the arrow pass right by my ear!
I wish I had a six left for you - but I'm out.
I will be on the lookout for the continuation of this one,
~MP~
Comment Written 01-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2018
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Thank you. I'm glad I've learned how to write action, that's been one of my biggest obstacles. Thanks for the great rating. :)
Comment from J Patience
This moves nice an quickly. I will note the not-proper sentences like "Thankful his tracks would be wiped out." I will also note that it could be a writing style, and so might accept it as such.
"Normally he'd of given up by now," When properly written, this reads "Normally he'd have given up by now."
"Doo made a beeline for some woods, the river sounded louder as he entered them." Written properly, these would be two different sentences or else the word "sounded" would change to "sounding."
That was quite the chase, and I enjoyed reading it from both perspectives. The characters feel real rather than made-up, if that makes any sense. Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2018
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This moves nice an quickly. I will note the not-proper sentences like "Thankful his tracks would be wiped out." I will also note that it could be a writing style, and so might accept it as such.
"Normally he'd of given up by now," When properly written, this reads "Normally he'd have given up by now."
"Doo made a beeline for some woods, the river sounded louder as he entered them." Written properly, these would be two different sentences or else the word "sounded" would change to "sounding."
That was quite the chase, and I enjoyed reading it from both perspectives. The characters feel real rather than made-up, if that makes any sense. Nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2018
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I appreciate the corrections which I made. I'm glad you like both points of view. I actually had two complaints about it, but my wife likes it so it stays in. I'm nominating you as a reviewer. You're the first review that had corrections in it, and I appreciate the help because my grammar skills suck. I was blessed with great syntax, or I couldn't do this. Apprecite you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from LaFrance
Earl, your chapter was exciting and a non-stop adventure. I enjoyed all of it. The Shawnee dialogue with each other. The only problem I have, if the grandma was telling the story I do not know if she would know what the Shawnee were saying or doing. What do you think?
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Earl, your chapter was exciting and a non-stop adventure. I enjoyed all of it. The Shawnee dialogue with each other. The only problem I have, if the grandma was telling the story I do not know if she would know what the Shawnee were saying or doing. What do you think?
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Im glad you enjoyed it, that is why i write-to entertain. Another reader suggested an Indian antagonist after he read my blurb. Without spoiling it I will tell you that we sde Swooping Eagle again. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Sally Law
This is so good, and filled with believable characters! I would have jumped. The is very well done and had nice flow. I have only one critique. Since I am sight impaired with low vision, it would help me personally if there were paragraph breaks. I kept re-reading the same sentences over and over. Paragraphs are a nice way to break up the body of the text. There are many members here on FanStory that have eyesight issues. We discuss this a lot among ourselves.
You have a nice piece here. I want everyone that can, to partake and appreciate it.
All my best,
Sally
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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This is so good, and filled with believable characters! I would have jumped. The is very well done and had nice flow. I have only one critique. Since I am sight impaired with low vision, it would help me personally if there were paragraph breaks. I kept re-reading the same sentences over and over. Paragraphs are a nice way to break up the body of the text. There are many members here on FanStory that have eyesight issues. We discuss this a lot among ourselves.
You have a nice piece here. I want everyone that can, to partake and appreciate it.
All my best,
Sally
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you Sally ill fix that. I appreciate you reading and reviewing the piece. I
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Thank you Earl !
Comment from Beverly Botelho
This was very smooth reading - very satisfying. I loved the ending, the surprise and the humor. I pride myself on reading the best in fiction and nonfiction, and honestly say you met my expectations. The only thing that kept me from giving you a six was the 'third eye in the middle of the forehead.' I think someone with your talent can think of a more imaginative way to express that injury. Otherwise, well done!
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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This was very smooth reading - very satisfying. I loved the ending, the surprise and the humor. I pride myself on reading the best in fiction and nonfiction, and honestly say you met my expectations. The only thing that kept me from giving you a six was the 'third eye in the middle of the forehead.' I think someone with your talent can think of a more imaginative way to express that injury. Otherwise, well done!
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you for counting me in the best i hope the other chapters meet your expectations. I do have other works on here if youre interested. Thank you for reading and reviewing the piece. Ill look at that third eye and see if i can come up with somethingmore creative that doesn't take the violence too much to the extreme..
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I'm sure with your talent you'll rise to the challenge. Do like I do - put it out of your head and take a shower, take a walk, do the dishes - when you least expect it, an alternative will come.
Comment from Henry King
This is an excellent beginning to a frontier tale. J.F. Cooper opened that writing path with his Leather Stocking Tales. This story begins in the middle of the action. The reader is instantly transported to the Ohio valley. The hero is being chased by Indians. The scenes are well described, the outcome of the chase is up ion the air both figuratively and literally, the hero is jumping off a cliff into the river. A real cliff hanger. Well done.
My problems with this beginning are: 1. The hit or miss paragraphing. 2. The sentence beginning, "The rain came down so hard ... " is awkward. It needs to be rewritten as two sentences or proper phrasing needs to be done. 3. The tale is told from two view points. As a reader I prefer one viewpoint, the hero's. I want to be in the hero's mind and try to help him do the guessing on, what's next. It is more suspenseful written that way.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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This is an excellent beginning to a frontier tale. J.F. Cooper opened that writing path with his Leather Stocking Tales. This story begins in the middle of the action. The reader is instantly transported to the Ohio valley. The hero is being chased by Indians. The scenes are well described, the outcome of the chase is up ion the air both figuratively and literally, the hero is jumping off a cliff into the river. A real cliff hanger. Well done.
My problems with this beginning are: 1. The hit or miss paragraphing. 2. The sentence beginning, "The rain came down so hard ... " is awkward. It needs to be rewritten as two sentences or proper phrasing needs to be done. 3. The tale is told from two view points. As a reader I prefer one viewpoint, the hero's. I want to be in the hero's mind and try to help him do the guessing on, what's next. It is more suspenseful written that way.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you for your insight, if i had a nomination left id give it to you. The reason for the two view points is when my blurb for this book was rated a reader suggested the Indians viewpoint, i thought it would be a good idea. I appreciate you reading and reviewing the piece. Thank you
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Thank you for the explanation. I can see some readers want a bird's eye view and don't want to guess. That takes the adventure away for me.
