Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Backstabbers"Shenanigans on the frontier
21 total reviews
Comment from artisart4u
Your story is like one on TV which I truly enjoy watching, I would call it a western. Your characters and background were enough to give a person enough
about where the story took place and how they interacted with one another.
Seeming that I don't know how you write, this is my first one to read and from what see, it punctuated like a story should be, referring to the quotation marks when someone is speaking.
I see down close to the bottom, with a paragraph starting with
"Just as Doo finished ...," you have two words that ran together and they were "washow." You might want to look at it.
I decided to for a change to read a story and I picked this one, to my surprise you are from PA also.
Good luck with your story, I know I won't get tired of watching my cowboys on TV.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Your story is like one on TV which I truly enjoy watching, I would call it a western. Your characters and background were enough to give a person enough
about where the story took place and how they interacted with one another.
Seeming that I don't know how you write, this is my first one to read and from what see, it punctuated like a story should be, referring to the quotation marks when someone is speaking.
I see down close to the bottom, with a paragraph starting with
"Just as Doo finished ...," you have two words that ran together and they were "washow." You might want to look at it.
I decided to for a change to read a story and I picked this one, to my surprise you are from PA also.
Good luck with your story, I know I won't get tired of watching my cowboys on TV.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for giving it a try Stay tuned it's about to get interesting. Where in PA are you from? I also enjoy watching cowboys on tv especially John Wayne. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from aryr
This was a great chapter Earl. It was enjoyable to read and had a great flow to it. It was interesting to read some of the rationale within the story, such as the fact that Clancy could swim was a factor in his favor according to Janie. I look forward to the other chapters and the continuation of this story. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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This was a great chapter Earl. It was enjoyable to read and had a great flow to it. It was interesting to read some of the rationale within the story, such as the fact that Clancy could swim was a factor in his favor according to Janie. I look forward to the other chapters and the continuation of this story. Well done.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you. Stay tuned it's about to get interesting. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
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You are most welcome Earl
Comment from Sally Law
I am always kind. I love the stories of Doo and the Shawnees. I wish they came closer together, but, your character reference at the bottom helps me to recall everyone. I like that it's a good, long and meaty read with lots of action.
Just one little comment. This was not sexually explicit, but, it did have the descriptions that would warrant a marking for sexual content. As a woman, I always appreciate the heads up in that area.
And, as always, your excellent writing is rich in history! Thank you for this!
All my best,
Sal :+)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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I am always kind. I love the stories of Doo and the Shawnees. I wish they came closer together, but, your character reference at the bottom helps me to recall everyone. I like that it's a good, long and meaty read with lots of action.
Just one little comment. This was not sexually explicit, but, it did have the descriptions that would warrant a marking for sexual content. As a woman, I always appreciate the heads up in that area.
And, as always, your excellent writing is rich in history! Thank you for this!
All my best,
Sal :+)
Comment Written 16-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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I' m sorry about the sexual content and not warning for it. It is not my intention to offend or shock anyone. I'm glad you thought the length was ok I have had complaints about my chapters being too long. I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from susand3022
Hi Earl! I haven't read the previous chapters (yet) but I'll go back and catch up sometime this week when I get a chance. I'm not usually a person who reads the 'old west' type of things, but I'm intrigued, so I'm in! I have one suggestion and I found a few typos. Other than that you're all good! :)
In the third paragraph; in order to make it grammatically correct and read more easily, either change "Taking" to "He took" or drop the word "then" after the comma.
There's some extra spacing between paragraphs at the beginning of the second section. And at another place further down.
"This girl will do" in italics... missed the T
In your last full paragraph; "...consistency (was how) he wanted..." you missed the space
I'm looking forward to catching up, and seeing what comes next! :)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Hi Earl! I haven't read the previous chapters (yet) but I'll go back and catch up sometime this week when I get a chance. I'm not usually a person who reads the 'old west' type of things, but I'm intrigued, so I'm in! I have one suggestion and I found a few typos. Other than that you're all good! :)
In the third paragraph; in order to make it grammatically correct and read more easily, either change "Taking" to "He took" or drop the word "then" after the comma.
There's some extra spacing between paragraphs at the beginning of the second section. And at another place further down.
"This girl will do" in italics... missed the T
In your last full paragraph; "...consistency (was how) he wanted..." you missed the space
I'm looking forward to catching up, and seeing what comes next! :)
Comment Written 16-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for the editing tips I've implemented them. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I can see where it could be very important to know how to swim back then. There wasn't any bridges to speak of, but lots of streams, rivers and floods. looking forward to the unraveling of the story. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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I can see where it could be very important to know how to swim back then. There wasn't any bridges to speak of, but lots of streams, rivers and floods. looking forward to the unraveling of the story. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 16-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
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Thank you for checking it out. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from shaffer40
I like the Western flavor and dialogue. Must be an entertaining story in its entirety. I like this genre, but I don't think I could write a Western story as interesting as this. The closest I've come to this atmosphere is living in Kentucky for a number of years.
If I may, I found a number of places that needed different punctuation and where I suggested different wording to tighten or to not repeat words too close together. See what you think.
Comma after "Crowing Rooster"
"allowed Smythe to patronize"
Seems to be an error here: "He and daintily wiped his mouth"
No comma between "very" and "slight" although suggest drop the word altogether.
"Very" usually weakens the word it modifies. Suggest: Dressed in filthy,
grease-stained buckskins, Dirk Fox didn't present much of an imposing
figure. His straw colored hair probably hadn't been washed since the last
time it had rained, and his hazel eyes darted back and forth like a trapped
rat's. He was slight of build, though he stood almost six foot tall. Some
might say he could be used for a rifle ramrod.
"ten times bigger" suggest omit "than that"
Paragraph eleven: extra space between quote mark and "You"
Add comma after "worry about that"
Suggest make two sentences: "That money is just a token payment for listening to
me. If we don't strike a deal take the money no harm, no foul."
Add comma after "emporium" also after "silent"
This is a funny paragraph. Suggest: "Could I get you gents anything else?" she
asked while leaning over the table, making sure they got an eyeful of what
her low cut dress wasn't quite covering up. Fox's eyes almost popped out
of their sockets, darting back and forth between her breasts and the purse
lying on the table.
Suggest: Godfrey was grinning. He knew he had Fox [maybe "where he wanted
him"] or ["had Fox bamboozled"] or [had Fox's attention}. "Nothing for us,"
he told the busty waitress.
Question mark when Fox says, "Huh?"
Make two sentences: "Mister, you got a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, uuunfff."
Make two sentences: Godfrey had deceptive strength. He...
Make two sentences and add comma after "Oh,"
"Oh, just one more thing. Silly me for not mentioning it." Godfrey grinned
and let go.
Reduce repetition of "Fox" and "stairs" -- Tighten up two paragraphs
Suggest: Fox licked his lips, snatched the purse and gave it a jingle.
Godfrey watched as the [slimy lackey--or some such description]
located the waitress and grabbed her by the wrist. He could almost hear
the tinkle of the coins, as Fox shook the purse in front of her widened eyes
and the two of them headed up the stairs.
'This girl will do,' he thought. [Quote marks are unnecessary with Italics when
expressing thoughts.]
Comma in next sentence: "You got me, Sinclair."
Comma after "Truthfully,"
Suggest: The boy [to distinguish him from his son] should have been back by
now[to not repeat "time", which is in next sentence
Two sentences. "noted the time. "He'd give it thirty more minutes, then..."
Semicolon after Zack and Clancy; even Janie giggled
Suggest not repeat Doo's name: blood on Doo's shirt, along with the slit a knife
had made on his side
Comma: "Did ya kill him, ya idjit?"
"Pa" used as name should be capitalized. Comma after "Thunderation"
"Thunderation, Pa, she shot one of them."
Two sentences: "onto my knife. He'll live..."
Again, "quick enough. Funny"
Comma after "Hmmm, that is strange"
Two sentences, "shot one. Is he dead?"
"No sir, she stopped me short of slitting their throats though." Suggest omit
"though"
Semicolon after "brow in thought; something"
Remove quotes; Italics enough. "Maybe they were after the girl, to have their
wicked ways with her," Zack thought.
Question mark: "How bad cut are ya?"
"Pa" capitalized: "Not bad, Pa."
Two sentences with comma after "look." Suggest rearrange: "Let me look,
Doolittle," Mighty Beaver directed. "Take off that shirt."
Suggest not repeat "Janie": Doo hesitated and looked at Janie. When she didn't
take the hint, Clancy cleared his throat.
Comma: "Umm, Miss Janie,
Comma: "Why, I would love that."
Capitalize "Pa" and separate two sentences with "and"
"He's talking about Janie, Pa. When they first met she durn near took
his head off with a limb, and he named her 'Little One Who Swings Big
Stick'." [single quotes around name]
Omit "She did it." Begin with "She's a formidable foe in the forest," Mighty Beaver
reiterated. "Do you have any bandages on hand?" [No need to repeat
assignation]
Tighten verbiage: Zack rummaged behind the counter and came up with a pile of
clean white rags. "Yup, here ha go."
Suggest: Mighty Beaver reached for the linens. "I'll go fetch some elderberry and
willow bark for the poultice." [Not to repeat "said" so often]
"Have what, Pa?" [capitalized]
Two sentences. Question mark at end. "The story. What happened to your traps,
horse, and rifle? And what happened to the furs you were bringing back to
pay me for outfitting you?"
Comma after "now" "Now, Mighty Beaver..."
Would they speak in contractions? "It's not for me, it's for the wound."
Suggest so to not repeat "Doo"
Doo recoiled from the liquor's bite, as Mighty Beaver wiped a whiskey-
soaked rag across the cut on his side.
Comma after "sure" -- "There's one thing for sure, boy."
Capitalize "Pa" -- "Whut's that, Pa?
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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I like the Western flavor and dialogue. Must be an entertaining story in its entirety. I like this genre, but I don't think I could write a Western story as interesting as this. The closest I've come to this atmosphere is living in Kentucky for a number of years.
If I may, I found a number of places that needed different punctuation and where I suggested different wording to tighten or to not repeat words too close together. See what you think.
Comma after "Crowing Rooster"
"allowed Smythe to patronize"
Seems to be an error here: "He and daintily wiped his mouth"
No comma between "very" and "slight" although suggest drop the word altogether.
"Very" usually weakens the word it modifies. Suggest: Dressed in filthy,
grease-stained buckskins, Dirk Fox didn't present much of an imposing
figure. His straw colored hair probably hadn't been washed since the last
time it had rained, and his hazel eyes darted back and forth like a trapped
rat's. He was slight of build, though he stood almost six foot tall. Some
might say he could be used for a rifle ramrod.
"ten times bigger" suggest omit "than that"
Paragraph eleven: extra space between quote mark and "You"
Add comma after "worry about that"
Suggest make two sentences: "That money is just a token payment for listening to
me. If we don't strike a deal take the money no harm, no foul."
Add comma after "emporium" also after "silent"
This is a funny paragraph. Suggest: "Could I get you gents anything else?" she
asked while leaning over the table, making sure they got an eyeful of what
her low cut dress wasn't quite covering up. Fox's eyes almost popped out
of their sockets, darting back and forth between her breasts and the purse
lying on the table.
Suggest: Godfrey was grinning. He knew he had Fox [maybe "where he wanted
him"] or ["had Fox bamboozled"] or [had Fox's attention}. "Nothing for us,"
he told the busty waitress.
Question mark when Fox says, "Huh?"
Make two sentences: "Mister, you got a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, uuunfff."
Make two sentences: Godfrey had deceptive strength. He...
Make two sentences and add comma after "Oh,"
"Oh, just one more thing. Silly me for not mentioning it." Godfrey grinned
and let go.
Reduce repetition of "Fox" and "stairs" -- Tighten up two paragraphs
Suggest: Fox licked his lips, snatched the purse and gave it a jingle.
Godfrey watched as the [slimy lackey--or some such description]
located the waitress and grabbed her by the wrist. He could almost hear
the tinkle of the coins, as Fox shook the purse in front of her widened eyes
and the two of them headed up the stairs.
'This girl will do,' he thought. [Quote marks are unnecessary with Italics when
expressing thoughts.]
Comma in next sentence: "You got me, Sinclair."
Comma after "Truthfully,"
Suggest: The boy [to distinguish him from his son] should have been back by
now[to not repeat "time", which is in next sentence
Two sentences. "noted the time. "He'd give it thirty more minutes, then..."
Semicolon after Zack and Clancy; even Janie giggled
Suggest not repeat Doo's name: blood on Doo's shirt, along with the slit a knife
had made on his side
Comma: "Did ya kill him, ya idjit?"
"Pa" used as name should be capitalized. Comma after "Thunderation"
"Thunderation, Pa, she shot one of them."
Two sentences: "onto my knife. He'll live..."
Again, "quick enough. Funny"
Comma after "Hmmm, that is strange"
Two sentences, "shot one. Is he dead?"
"No sir, she stopped me short of slitting their throats though." Suggest omit
"though"
Semicolon after "brow in thought; something"
Remove quotes; Italics enough. "Maybe they were after the girl, to have their
wicked ways with her," Zack thought.
Question mark: "How bad cut are ya?"
"Pa" capitalized: "Not bad, Pa."
Two sentences with comma after "look." Suggest rearrange: "Let me look,
Doolittle," Mighty Beaver directed. "Take off that shirt."
Suggest not repeat "Janie": Doo hesitated and looked at Janie. When she didn't
take the hint, Clancy cleared his throat.
Comma: "Umm, Miss Janie,
Comma: "Why, I would love that."
Capitalize "Pa" and separate two sentences with "and"
"He's talking about Janie, Pa. When they first met she durn near took
his head off with a limb, and he named her 'Little One Who Swings Big
Stick'." [single quotes around name]
Omit "She did it." Begin with "She's a formidable foe in the forest," Mighty Beaver
reiterated. "Do you have any bandages on hand?" [No need to repeat
assignation]
Tighten verbiage: Zack rummaged behind the counter and came up with a pile of
clean white rags. "Yup, here ha go."
Suggest: Mighty Beaver reached for the linens. "I'll go fetch some elderberry and
willow bark for the poultice." [Not to repeat "said" so often]
"Have what, Pa?" [capitalized]
Two sentences. Question mark at end. "The story. What happened to your traps,
horse, and rifle? And what happened to the furs you were bringing back to
pay me for outfitting you?"
Comma after "now" "Now, Mighty Beaver..."
Would they speak in contractions? "It's not for me, it's for the wound."
Suggest so to not repeat "Doo"
Doo recoiled from the liquor's bite, as Mighty Beaver wiped a whiskey-
soaked rag across the cut on his side.
Comma after "sure" -- "There's one thing for sure, boy."
Capitalize "Pa" -- "Whut's that, Pa?
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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I appreciate all the editing suggestions. Mighty Beaver doesn't speak in contractions. I'm glad you're enjoying this story. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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I'm not surprised about the contractions; wasn't sure. I'm so glad you liked the suggestions and thanks for the vote. I appreciate it.
Comment from Mastery
Good to see you posting chapters again, Earl.
You have some very good imagery throughout and that is vital, as you probably know to a successful story.
Like: "Fox turned his head and locked eyes with Godfrey."
And here: "Godfrey threw a purse onto the table that made a distinct clinking sound when it hit the rough hewn boards."
Suggestions: There is a very simple way to eliminate "overusing" the pronoun "He" which you have a tendency to do in this chapter. You have: " He peered at the man on the other side of the table and sized him up." Just put the action before the pronoun, like this: "Peering at the man on the other side of the table, he sized him up."
If you use this method and alternate it with the sentences beginning with the pronoun, it will make a much more interesting and professional sounding read, my friend.
Also: ""Why?"
"Failing to negotiate the sale of Zack Carter's emporium my father . . . . " There should be a space between these two lines of dialogue, Earl.
And again here: ""Could I get you gents anything else?" she asked while leaning over the table making sure they got an eyeful of what her low cut dress was covering up. (SPACE HERE before:
Fox's eyes almost popped out of their sockets when the waitress leaned over."
Also: " if you'll excuse me, uuunfff."
I"m not sure what you mean here with this sound??
Overall, a good job, Earl. Just needs some polish. Blessings. Bob
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Good to see you posting chapters again, Earl.
You have some very good imagery throughout and that is vital, as you probably know to a successful story.
Like: "Fox turned his head and locked eyes with Godfrey."
And here: "Godfrey threw a purse onto the table that made a distinct clinking sound when it hit the rough hewn boards."
Suggestions: There is a very simple way to eliminate "overusing" the pronoun "He" which you have a tendency to do in this chapter. You have: " He peered at the man on the other side of the table and sized him up." Just put the action before the pronoun, like this: "Peering at the man on the other side of the table, he sized him up."
If you use this method and alternate it with the sentences beginning with the pronoun, it will make a much more interesting and professional sounding read, my friend.
Also: ""Why?"
"Failing to negotiate the sale of Zack Carter's emporium my father . . . . " There should be a space between these two lines of dialogue, Earl.
And again here: ""Could I get you gents anything else?" she asked while leaning over the table making sure they got an eyeful of what her low cut dress was covering up. (SPACE HERE before:
Fox's eyes almost popped out of their sockets when the waitress leaned over."
Also: " if you'll excuse me, uuunfff."
I"m not sure what you mean here with this sound??
Overall, a good job, Earl. Just needs some polish. Blessings. Bob
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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I polished it up, I see what you meant about overusing pronouns, so I reworked some passages. I appreciate the tips, I'll probably owe you half my royalties when I publish for all the help you've given me, but I appreciate all the help I've received from you over the past 8 months.
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Glad to help a talent like you anytime, Earl. (If I can) LOL Bob
Comment from lyenochka
Whew - this is quite a long post but still very engaging! I can't imagine that all frontier folk had to know how to swim - so much of the country is prairie. So glad that Mighty Beaver is there as a medic. Enjoyed the humor about the whiskey. Great job overall.
Some minor comments:
"How bad cut are ya." (suggest question mark instead of period)
"He's talking about Janie, pa" (Pa is used like a name here so I would capitalize it.)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Whew - this is quite a long post but still very engaging! I can't imagine that all frontier folk had to know how to swim - so much of the country is prairie. So glad that Mighty Beaver is there as a medic. Enjoyed the humor about the whiskey. Great job overall.
Some minor comments:
"How bad cut are ya." (suggest question mark instead of period)
"He's talking about Janie, pa" (Pa is used like a name here so I would capitalize it.)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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This frontier was western Pennsylvania, not prairie beyond the Mississippi. I actually had someone review an earlier chapter that said they couldn't imagine someone on the frontier that didn't know how to swim. I appreciate you pointing out some things to make it a better piece, thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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Thanks for telling me that. There's a lot I don't know about that time of history so I appreciate your work.
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Thanks for telling me that. There's a lot I don't know about that time of history so I appreciate your work.
Comment from royowen
One thing I must congratulate you on, is the long character synopsis, and their characteristics, (one thing I can't figure, why is it important they can swim) but one of the main characters, Doolittle can't swim. And excellent episode, it really was fun, with the quirky characters. Well done Earl. Blessings, Roy
Typo : He (drank.) and daintily... He was very(,)
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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One thing I must congratulate you on, is the long character synopsis, and their characteristics, (one thing I can't figure, why is it important they can swim) but one of the main characters, Doolittle can't swim. And excellent episode, it really was fun, with the quirky characters. Well done Earl. Blessings, Roy
Typo : He (drank.) and daintily... He was very(,)
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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The swim thing is a joke, because Doo can't swim and everybody else can. I appreciate the help about the editing errors. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
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Well done
Comment from Shirley McLain
A very nice chapter that I did enjoy reading. I'm going to bookcase the story and follow you so I can keep up. You did a very good job. Have a great evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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A very nice chapter that I did enjoy reading. I'm going to bookcase the story and follow you so I can keep up. You did a very good job. Have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work and to book case it. Thank you very much.
