Body of a Horse, Heart of a Man
Viewing comments for Prologue "Mount Olympus"A modern twist on Greek Mythology.
18 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
A wonderful beginning for what looks to be an intriguing novel.
You have introduced the characters, set the scene and the possible conflict
very well.
a few optional suggestions to consider:
"Her heart swelled with such pride as she'd seldom previously experienced."
1. Her heart swelled with pride. or
2. Her heart swelled with a pride she'd seldom experienced.
"The goddess queen had been forced to share her older children moments after they left the womb. These children [had] became powerful gods..."
The use of 'had' can be tricky. It usually references an earlier event. The earliest event is the first one. You could simply drop the second had or replace with "soon" or "later."
It's all the author's preference.
I usually check for unnecessary uses of 'had.' It is so easy to put them in there. :)
"In fact, it was his desire that nothing ever [even] upset her." drop [even]?
A great chapter that draws the reader into the story.
Looking forward to chapter two!
Well done
Robert
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Hello Rhonda,
A wonderful beginning for what looks to be an intriguing novel.
You have introduced the characters, set the scene and the possible conflict
very well.
a few optional suggestions to consider:
"Her heart swelled with such pride as she'd seldom previously experienced."
1. Her heart swelled with pride. or
2. Her heart swelled with a pride she'd seldom experienced.
"The goddess queen had been forced to share her older children moments after they left the womb. These children [had] became powerful gods..."
The use of 'had' can be tricky. It usually references an earlier event. The earliest event is the first one. You could simply drop the second had or replace with "soon" or "later."
It's all the author's preference.
I usually check for unnecessary uses of 'had.' It is so easy to put them in there. :)
"In fact, it was his desire that nothing ever [even] upset her." drop [even]?
A great chapter that draws the reader into the story.
Looking forward to chapter two!
Well done
Robert
Comment Written 01-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Thank you for the brilliant six stars, my friend. You are so right on the suggestions. See what happens when you take two years off? You get rusty.
Thank you so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda--that crazy Zeus, always worried about something. I wish you good luck with this book, I know how much work goes into writing a novel, and trying to edit it into it's final form. I've written one full novel, and basically gave up on editing it. After about my 12th read-thru, I said 'Screw it, good enough!
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda--that crazy Zeus, always worried about something. I wish you good luck with this book, I know how much work goes into writing a novel, and trying to edit it into it's final form. I've written one full novel, and basically gave up on editing it. After about my 12th read-thru, I said 'Screw it, good enough!
Comment Written 01-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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That?s what you end up having to do! Thanks for the review, Pal.
Rhonda
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Do you have this book published? I'd love to read it.
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No, sorry, I've never sent it out, too chicken shit!
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I'll send you the very beginning, or try to, if you really want to read it?
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I would love to!
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I tried to sending the first chapter but it won't let me send it, so I'll try less
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Okay!
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I tried it again, and you've got the whole first chapter
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Great, thanks!
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is very well penned and a thoroughly engaging read. I love Greek and Roman mythology so the storyline is right up my alley. The story flows well and progresses in a clear and logical manner making it easy to read and follow. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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This is very well penned and a thoroughly engaging read. I love Greek and Roman mythology so the storyline is right up my alley. The story flows well and progresses in a clear and logical manner making it easy to read and follow. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Thank you for the encouraging review, my friend. After a two year break, it?s hard to get back in the saddle again.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
beings whose presence were (was) required in an emergent world. This is an interesting first chapter of your story, my friend. I have been gone from FS for a while, but think I am back and hope to follow this story, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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beings whose presence were (was) required in an emergent world. This is an interesting first chapter of your story, my friend. I have been gone from FS for a while, but think I am back and hope to follow this story, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 01-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Thank you, Debbie. I?ve been gone awhile as well. This is my first book in about two years. Many of my old friends are gone. I?m glad you?re back, and I appreciate your wonderful review, and grammar check.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Iza Deleanu
A different book about the Greek mythology and the pantheon. Zeus has a daughter and he wants for her to have a perfect life. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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A different book about the Greek mythology and the pantheon. Zeus has a daughter and he wants for her to have a perfect life. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2019
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Thank you for your review. All eyes and careful minds are so appreciated. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from themillerswife
I am no expert on Greek mythology, but I am a huge fan of the stories nonetheless. Your description of Hera holding her infant, made her relatable as a human, by giving her a motherly characteristic.
The only suggestion I have, and it may be a personal preference, but I don't believe it is necessary to state "Our story begins..." unless this is written explicitly as a prologue. But even as such, I think it distracts the reader from the story at hand. Immersion is important, and when a reader is brought out of that environment, it can take away the appeal. In fact, I think it may be better to not include that paragraph at all in this chapter but to save it for the actual beginning of the story, (without the "our story begins" part).
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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I am no expert on Greek mythology, but I am a huge fan of the stories nonetheless. Your description of Hera holding her infant, made her relatable as a human, by giving her a motherly characteristic.
The only suggestion I have, and it may be a personal preference, but I don't believe it is necessary to state "Our story begins..." unless this is written explicitly as a prologue. But even as such, I think it distracts the reader from the story at hand. Immersion is important, and when a reader is brought out of that environment, it can take away the appeal. In fact, I think it may be better to not include that paragraph at all in this chapter but to save it for the actual beginning of the story, (without the "our story begins" part).
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for your honest review. I have taken your advice and removed the paragraph. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from lyenochka
Hello, Rhonda! Welcome back!
Thanks for sharing this. Is this the first chapter or is this a prelude that gives the background of the book? If feels more like you are telling and now showing so I feel you are giving me the background.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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Hello, Rhonda! Welcome back!
Thanks for sharing this. Is this the first chapter or is this a prelude that gives the background of the book? If feels more like you are telling and now showing so I feel you are giving me the background.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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Thanks for your review. All comments appreciated. This is merely the prologue, and the story will begin with a lot of dialogue. In the whole scheme of the book, it will play a small part.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Sallyo
I'm glad to have found this one at the beginning! It seems a blend of existing myth and some new and original plotlines. It's well-written, and gives a good prologue grasp of the situation. I'm assuming the dialogue and personal POV will soon come.
The sentence below doesn't parse...
The fact that the tall, dark Phoebus, a youth with stormy green eyes, was.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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I'm glad to have found this one at the beginning! It seems a blend of existing myth and some new and original plotlines. It's well-written, and gives a good prologue grasp of the situation. I'm assuming the dialogue and personal POV will soon come.
The sentence below doesn't parse...
The fact that the tall, dark Phoebus, a youth with stormy green eyes, was.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2019
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Thanks so much for checking out my book. This is just the prologue and I?ll start the chapter soon. Still kind of background in the first chapter, but will switch to modern times afterwards. It?s hard to break chapters up and keep the flow. I used to write books on here a lot, but it?s been awhile and I?ve gotten rusty.
Thanks again,
Rhonda