Blended Reality
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "John Jon "A collection of stories: Some True, some not
19 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Bednar
just as I looked at into her eyes, (looked into)
She crumpled, like a throw-away paper towel, (nice)
football (two-a-days) at WSU in Pullman, WA two-weeks ago. (two-a-days - is this a typo?)
We waited, what seemed like an eternity, for the doctor to arrive. (do you mean for the Dr. to meet you post-op?) arrive... it took you a while to get there, I'm assuming surgery has already been done.
She sai , "He could have been home, (She said,)
feeling the world around me, spinning right off the top of the table ...do you need the (,) after me? The reference to table is odd.. I know it is cliche to say "spinning out of control" but ... what table? I like the idea of you searching for an alternative phrase - but I don't think this one works. (I did love the paper-towel reference so I know you can do it) Maybe... the world around me spinning off its axis (but that might be cliche as well)
his high school, and college football (I don't think you need the comma)
There to pay there last tribute (There to pay (a) last tribute ?_
I'm thinking about the ending. And the anger of your wife. I am left wondering if your marriage will be OK. Why bring her words into the story - what was the purpose? What if you tied it into the ending which brings us back up to the beginning - the door slamming shut. What if you tie in it is her slamming the door shut, and oh, you HEAR the echo. It rings in your ears!
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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just as I looked at into her eyes, (looked into)
She crumpled, like a throw-away paper towel, (nice)
football (two-a-days) at WSU in Pullman, WA two-weeks ago. (two-a-days - is this a typo?)
We waited, what seemed like an eternity, for the doctor to arrive. (do you mean for the Dr. to meet you post-op?) arrive... it took you a while to get there, I'm assuming surgery has already been done.
She sai , "He could have been home, (She said,)
feeling the world around me, spinning right off the top of the table ...do you need the (,) after me? The reference to table is odd.. I know it is cliche to say "spinning out of control" but ... what table? I like the idea of you searching for an alternative phrase - but I don't think this one works. (I did love the paper-towel reference so I know you can do it) Maybe... the world around me spinning off its axis (but that might be cliche as well)
his high school, and college football (I don't think you need the comma)
There to pay there last tribute (There to pay (a) last tribute ?_
I'm thinking about the ending. And the anger of your wife. I am left wondering if your marriage will be OK. Why bring her words into the story - what was the purpose? What if you tied it into the ending which brings us back up to the beginning - the door slamming shut. What if you tie in it is her slamming the door shut, and oh, you HEAR the echo. It rings in your ears!
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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Margaret, thank you, each suggestion provided importants, I did massage things a bit.
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You are welcome
Comment from A. Louise Robertson
I was crying from the first line to the last. The picture set the pace and if this is a true story, may I please offer my condolences on this tragic loss. There are no words I can say to offer comfort to parents who have lost a son. My own son passed away three months ago after suffering a stroke, so the feelings are very real to me. This story is well told and lands heavy on the heart.
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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I was crying from the first line to the last. The picture set the pace and if this is a true story, may I please offer my condolences on this tragic loss. There are no words I can say to offer comfort to parents who have lost a son. My own son passed away three months ago after suffering a stroke, so the feelings are very real to me. This story is well told and lands heavy on the heart.
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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Lou, my heartfelt condolence to you for the loss of a child.
may you find peace and comfort by keeping him held, always in the cockles of your soul, only as a mother can.....this is a work of fiction, although our son went away to college to play football, was in accident, he did survive but never play another game.
Comment from richie b
Your writing created a vivid picture for the reader
and brought to light a parents worst nightmare.
You wrote your story with such clarity that I
double checked to see if this was a true story.
That shows what a great write this is, drawing
the reader into your story emotionally.
Best wishes in contest!
Richie b
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Your writing created a vivid picture for the reader
and brought to light a parents worst nightmare.
You wrote your story with such clarity that I
double checked to see if this was a true story.
That shows what a great write this is, drawing
the reader into your story emotionally.
Best wishes in contest!
Richie b
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Richieb, thank you.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
What a powerful story! I could feel the anger and horror experienced by the parents..
This piece should do well in the The Door Slammed writing contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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What a powerful story! I could feel the anger and horror experienced by the parents..
This piece should do well in the The Door Slammed writing contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Rebecca, thank you very much, I value your kind validation.
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You're quite welcome.
Comment from Huguette M. Forest-Coultry
I enjoyed the content but I was also struck by the number of errors. This would have been a stronger piece with another review and edit before submission. Love the paragraph beginning "With a vivid landscape of..."
Here I include a couple suggestions for you to peruse.
"Rushing over...omit 'to her side,' avoiding the repeated word in 2 sentences.
"in route" usually written 'en route.'
"pivotal... in how he would respond to treatment. (might be more effective without the words 'so far.')
"Tom, he HAD two full-ride scholarship offers!" may be more succinct and should be in quotations.
"There to pay THEIR last tribute.
"character of THE man JJ brought to the team..."
The photo used says it all...very powerful choice. The anger of the mother is palpable. I see her spitting out her accusation and the rage she feels. I'd like to see the next chapter of this story and how the parents resolve their anger issues or if it is the demise of their relationship.
Keep writing. This is good stuff. Stay well, stay safe.
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reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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I enjoyed the content but I was also struck by the number of errors. This would have been a stronger piece with another review and edit before submission. Love the paragraph beginning "With a vivid landscape of..."
Here I include a couple suggestions for you to peruse.
"Rushing over...omit 'to her side,' avoiding the repeated word in 2 sentences.
"in route" usually written 'en route.'
"pivotal... in how he would respond to treatment. (might be more effective without the words 'so far.')
"Tom, he HAD two full-ride scholarship offers!" may be more succinct and should be in quotations.
"There to pay THEIR last tribute.
"character of THE man JJ brought to the team..."
The photo used says it all...very powerful choice. The anger of the mother is palpable. I see her spitting out her accusation and the rage she feels. I'd like to see the next chapter of this story and how the parents resolve their anger issues or if it is the demise of their relationship.
Keep writing. This is good stuff. Stay well, stay safe.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Great feedback, thank changes did improve this.
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Thank-you for seeing the positive critique. Sometimes it is hard to accept those. Tour comment made me giggle, "thank changes..." You are a good writer, keep composing!
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
A fantastic and extremely sad short story. Well-written, within the given limits of 1000 words. The sudden, fatal change in life when your son dies in a terrible accident, is so tangible depicted in this story. Also, the mother's irrational, but in the moment understandable emotional outburst gives quality to the story.
Very well done"
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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A fantastic and extremely sad short story. Well-written, within the given limits of 1000 words. The sudden, fatal change in life when your son dies in a terrible accident, is so tangible depicted in this story. Also, the mother's irrational, but in the moment understandable emotional outburst gives quality to the story.
Very well done"
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Marjon, thank you!
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Welcome.
Comment from Mary Furlong
Well done. I especially like the way you shaped this story by having the door slam both in the beginning and at the end. The wife/mother in the story closes the door on any possibility of a supportive relationship. But for the father, we can be hopeful that there will be good times in the future even though the present isn't very promising. A little talky in the middle, but all in all, a good read.
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Well done. I especially like the way you shaped this story by having the door slam both in the beginning and at the end. The wife/mother in the story closes the door on any possibility of a supportive relationship. But for the father, we can be hopeful that there will be good times in the future even though the present isn't very promising. A little talky in the middle, but all in all, a good read.
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Mary thank you! I just corrected a couple of spags..
Comment from Cybertron1986
Very vivid and elegantly expressed story. You present such a direct and engaging voice that supplements the energy of your story to the reader, who can be engaged to the end. I love how apply that unique voice that gives off a genuine feel for the story. Keep this up! It is good reading!
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Very vivid and elegantly expressed story. You present such a direct and engaging voice that supplements the energy of your story to the reader, who can be engaged to the end. I love how apply that unique voice that gives off a genuine feel for the story. Keep this up! It is good reading!
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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thank you! I just corrected a couple of spags.
Comment from Jacob David Collins
This is a really heart-wrenching piece and I could feel the pain as you discovered that your son was in hospital after the car accident and I could sense the urgency in your writing as well. I thought this was really well told, and I can imagine that it must have been quite a difficult story to tell. Good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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This is a really heart-wrenching piece and I could feel the pain as you discovered that your son was in hospital after the car accident and I could sense the urgency in your writing as well. I thought this was really well told, and I can imagine that it must have been quite a difficult story to tell. Good luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
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Jacob, thank you! thank you! I just corrected a couple of spags.