Second Chances
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The magic cupboard"how live gives you lemonade
15 total reviews
Comment from Frederick Samson
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading what you have wrote. Although i didn't feel like it was written through the eyes of a child, simply just an adult reminiscing about their childhood. Thank you all the same.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
   |
Thank you for sharing. I enjoyed reading what you have wrote. Although i didn't feel like it was written through the eyes of a child, simply just an adult reminiscing about their childhood. Thank you all the same.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
-
Yes you are so right, Frederick, it's just a memory that I wanted to share.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a cute story entry for the Through the eyes of a child writing prompt. I hope that it does well for you in the contest. Much great good luck to you!
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
|
This is a cute story entry for the Through the eyes of a child writing prompt. I hope that it does well for you in the contest. Much great good luck to you!
Comment Written 13-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
-
Thank you so much Rebecca and congrats on your anniversary:) on FS
Comment from Lennie Conrad
This is a pleasant story that gives some whimsical value to otherwise relatable childhood memories. I think you can enhance the piece with some revisions on grammar and wording. (ex. "Santa Claus is real", "dropped all the clothes")
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
|
This is a pleasant story that gives some whimsical value to otherwise relatable childhood memories. I think you can enhance the piece with some revisions on grammar and wording. (ex. "Santa Claus is real", "dropped all the clothes")
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2020
-
Hi Lennie, thank you so much for your suggestions and advice::)
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I loved your personal story for your contest entry, Mystery Writer. The picture is adorable too. I was engaged from start to finish reading this. I could see everything you mentioned. I'm happy you and your sister were not injured with the broom on fire thing. Your use of great details made this enjoyable to read.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest:
Did you know that oranges and grapefruits [ delete the 's' on grapfruits ] were [foubd ] coming into [in ] my house once a year around Christmas? In the [In time of communism, dads used. . . ] communism time, the dead's used to get for Christmas presents for their kids from the work place. That was the only time we will [ would see ] see oranges and chocolates. It was mandatory to get at least one [ of each. ]. In my country [ add comma here ] we had apples, pears, grapes, blueberry [ blueberries, strawberries, . . .], strawberry, peaches cherries, but ; nothing exotic. ] no exotic stuff.
Me and my sister[ My siter and I used to believe that Santa Claus was real and the oranges and grapefruit were Heaven's fruits. ], we used to believe that Santa Klaus it's real, and that the oranges and grapefruits are heaven's fruits. Our precious fruits were always coming[ delete coming ] green, so my dad used to deposit them into a wooden box on top of the wardrobe. You can say it was our private orchard. For many years, that wardrobe was our magical realm: it was growing exotic fruits, tomatoes and even chocolates and candy. My mom used to hide all kinds of goodies there. Unfortunately, those goodies had a short life span: my sister always managed to find that treasure.
I remember when I was five years old and my sister was three years old [when we . . . ]: we decided to have a little adventure. Where do you think? Yup, in the wardrobe. In Romania [ Romania, it was okay to leave. . . ] was ok to live your kids at home with no supervision. I don't know how, but I heard about that book the [delete the ( and add quote marks "Uncle Tom's Cabin. " ] Uncle's Tom Cabin. I even saw a carpet with this [ taht ] image in my auntie's house. I was so obsessed with [ it (delete that image ]that image that I wanted to reconstruct that feeling of staying [ being in . . .] in the middle of the forest in front of the cabin looking at a log fire.
I waited for my mom to leave the house. I took a tall chair and drop [ dropped ] all the clothes from the middle shelf of the closet. I took a [ my ] mom's broom and put it in the middle. I help [ helped ] my sister to [ delete to ] get on one side of the broom and made her promised [ promise ] that [ she would never tell ] will never tell mom about this adventure.
After that I said: [Now, we were ready to make a fire . . . ] [ "Uncle Tom's Cabin"
- No we will make a fire and feel like in Uncle's Tom Cabin.
- Yey {Yay!] It's going to be exactly like[ the one on . . .] on that carpet?
- Yes.[ "Yes, I got the matches, Are you ready?" ] I got the matches, are you ready?
- -Yes, let's do it! { "Okay, let's do it!" ]
Without thinking {comma here ] I put [ set the . .. ] the broom on fire. The moment my sister saw the broom getting [ delete getting ] on fire [ comma after fire ] she started to scream. I must admit I got scared too, so God knows how I manage [ managed ] to put it out! We were lucky, the wardrobe was saved and the broom didn't burn too bad. My mom found about this a few years later. I think that day our Guardian Angel was home and save ; saved ] us from a huge [ problem. ] burning.
I think [ believe ] I always was kind of a curious kid. The [ This incident was just . . .] Tom's incident was just one of the many other things I read in books and try [ tried ] to taste [ ;taste' them in real time. But [ I will leave those . . . .] will I leave those stories for another time.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
|
I loved your personal story for your contest entry, Mystery Writer. The picture is adorable too. I was engaged from start to finish reading this. I could see everything you mentioned. I'm happy you and your sister were not injured with the broom on fire thing. Your use of great details made this enjoyable to read.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest:
Did you know that oranges and grapefruits [ delete the 's' on grapfruits ] were [foubd ] coming into [in ] my house once a year around Christmas? In the [In time of communism, dads used. . . ] communism time, the dead's used to get for Christmas presents for their kids from the work place. That was the only time we will [ would see ] see oranges and chocolates. It was mandatory to get at least one [ of each. ]. In my country [ add comma here ] we had apples, pears, grapes, blueberry [ blueberries, strawberries, . . .], strawberry, peaches cherries, but ; nothing exotic. ] no exotic stuff.
Me and my sister[ My siter and I used to believe that Santa Claus was real and the oranges and grapefruit were Heaven's fruits. ], we used to believe that Santa Klaus it's real, and that the oranges and grapefruits are heaven's fruits. Our precious fruits were always coming[ delete coming ] green, so my dad used to deposit them into a wooden box on top of the wardrobe. You can say it was our private orchard. For many years, that wardrobe was our magical realm: it was growing exotic fruits, tomatoes and even chocolates and candy. My mom used to hide all kinds of goodies there. Unfortunately, those goodies had a short life span: my sister always managed to find that treasure.
I remember when I was five years old and my sister was three years old [when we . . . ]: we decided to have a little adventure. Where do you think? Yup, in the wardrobe. In Romania [ Romania, it was okay to leave. . . ] was ok to live your kids at home with no supervision. I don't know how, but I heard about that book the [delete the ( and add quote marks "Uncle Tom's Cabin. " ] Uncle's Tom Cabin. I even saw a carpet with this [ taht ] image in my auntie's house. I was so obsessed with [ it (delete that image ]that image that I wanted to reconstruct that feeling of staying [ being in . . .] in the middle of the forest in front of the cabin looking at a log fire.
I waited for my mom to leave the house. I took a tall chair and drop [ dropped ] all the clothes from the middle shelf of the closet. I took a [ my ] mom's broom and put it in the middle. I help [ helped ] my sister to [ delete to ] get on one side of the broom and made her promised [ promise ] that [ she would never tell ] will never tell mom about this adventure.
After that I said: [Now, we were ready to make a fire . . . ] [ "Uncle Tom's Cabin"
- No we will make a fire and feel like in Uncle's Tom Cabin.
- Yey {Yay!] It's going to be exactly like[ the one on . . .] on that carpet?
- Yes.[ "Yes, I got the matches, Are you ready?" ] I got the matches, are you ready?
- -Yes, let's do it! { "Okay, let's do it!" ]
Without thinking {comma here ] I put [ set the . .. ] the broom on fire. The moment my sister saw the broom getting [ delete getting ] on fire [ comma after fire ] she started to scream. I must admit I got scared too, so God knows how I manage [ managed ] to put it out! We were lucky, the wardrobe was saved and the broom didn't burn too bad. My mom found about this a few years later. I think that day our Guardian Angel was home and save ; saved ] us from a huge [ problem. ] burning.
I think [ believe ] I always was kind of a curious kid. The [ This incident was just . . .] Tom's incident was just one of the many other things I read in books and try [ tried ] to taste [ ;taste' them in real time. But [ I will leave those . . . .] will I leave those stories for another time.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
-
Thank you so much Jan, for your amazing feedback and corrections, I see some of my mistakes are so silly:( I must not be half asleep when I hit the release the Kraken button:)
Comment from equestrik
I love the imagination and innocence of children. My brother and I once built an apartment building out of boxes outside, put dolls inside then lit it on fire so we could rescue the dolls. In the 7th line should 'dead's' be dads? I did enjoy the story and see that the grammar issues are due to language differences.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
|
I love the imagination and innocence of children. My brother and I once built an apartment building out of boxes outside, put dolls inside then lit it on fire so we could rescue the dolls. In the 7th line should 'dead's' be dads? I did enjoy the story and see that the grammar issues are due to language differences.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
-
Thank you so much for your patience with this text:)
