Little ones
Viewing comments for Prologue "cocoon-life"5/7/5 poems
265 total reviews
Comment from Dutchie
This Haiku is so wonderful, with the cocoon as metaphor for youth. When we are protected but can't wait to spread our wings and fly away. No longer protected... Wonderful imagination. Well done. Fia
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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This Haiku is so wonderful, with the cocoon as metaphor for youth. When we are protected but can't wait to spread our wings and fly away. No longer protected... Wonderful imagination. Well done. Fia
Comment Written 22-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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I am glad you liked it.your words are encouraging.thanks :-)
Comment from N.K. Wagner
And then we grow up. Well written 5/7/5 poem generates nostalgia for the simpler days of childhood, when we were protected and allowed to hope. :) nancy
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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And then we grow up. Well written 5/7/5 poem generates nostalgia for the simpler days of childhood, when we were protected and allowed to hope. :) nancy
Comment Written 22-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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Thanks for your review.i appreciate it
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
'cocoon-life' is an exceptionally well-written and delightfully descriptive piece. This poem will bring back fond memories for this talented poet's readers. It was a pleasure to review a work of this standard.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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'cocoon-life' is an exceptionally well-written and delightfully descriptive piece. This poem will bring back fond memories for this talented poet's readers. It was a pleasure to review a work of this standard.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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Your positive words fill me with joy and confidence.thanks for reading it and generous review
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Anupam Sharma, you're more than welcome.
With m best wishes, the Duchess
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
I found this 5-7-5 poem to be perfect in it's form with great clarity in it's message. The metamorphosis of life can be painful at times. But given the choice to fly or stay in the cocoon... FLY. You can do it. This is beautiful. Write on.. You will do well. Carolyn
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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I found this 5-7-5 poem to be perfect in it's form with great clarity in it's message. The metamorphosis of life can be painful at times. But given the choice to fly or stay in the cocoon... FLY. You can do it. This is beautiful. Write on.. You will do well. Carolyn
Comment Written 22-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2013
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I am happy that you liked it.absorbing skills now.thanks for such kind and positive feedback:-)
Comment from Betty Bleen
Very nice. As children we are like the butterfly absorbing all the sounds and scents around us, but not until we are fully grown can we truly appreciate them.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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Very nice. As children we are like the butterfly absorbing all the sounds and scents around us, but not until we are fully grown can we truly appreciate them.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts :-)
Comment from vgarrison
So I'm not really knowledgeable about haiku, but this piece sits very powerfully with me. Childhood is like living inside a cocoon, so protected and naive. I think this piece reflects that very well. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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So I'm not really knowledgeable about haiku, but this piece sits very powerfully with me. Childhood is like living inside a cocoon, so protected and naive. I think this piece reflects that very well. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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I am glad you like it.thanks for the kind review:-)
Comment from Gungalo
imagining life
in shining sweet full moon yet
not out of cocoon
Nice 5/7/5 write and a wonderful one that deals with the moon. So beautiful this write really is.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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imagining life
in shining sweet full moon yet
not out of cocoon
Nice 5/7/5 write and a wonderful one that deals with the moon. So beautiful this write really is.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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Thanks for your kind rating and comments.i am learning a lot from here:-)
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You will learn plenty.
Comment from Cinda
I wish I had more stars to give you. Your poem is simply beautiful. I was very isolated as a child and tend to stay to myself now. But the desire of my heart is come out of my cocoon and be a part of life just as the beautiful monarch butterfly who does not fear his enemy but chases after them even if it is bigger than he realizes. I do understand where you are coming from though. My days as a young child have awesome memories of my family and friends. I believe you deserve your ratings because it says so, much in a very artistic poem with a beautiful way in expressing your feelings spun over into poetry. Great Job! Keep on writing. God bless. Cinda
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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I wish I had more stars to give you. Your poem is simply beautiful. I was very isolated as a child and tend to stay to myself now. But the desire of my heart is come out of my cocoon and be a part of life just as the beautiful monarch butterfly who does not fear his enemy but chases after them even if it is bigger than he realizes. I do understand where you are coming from though. My days as a young child have awesome memories of my family and friends. I believe you deserve your ratings because it says so, much in a very artistic poem with a beautiful way in expressing your feelings spun over into poetry. Great Job! Keep on writing. God bless. Cinda
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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its so generous of you to think that i deserve more stars.
It is very close to my heart and i wrote what i realised while growing up.
I am honored by your wonderful review.thanks and a lot of respect:-)
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Anupam, Your very welcome. Thank you for your respect. You seem to be a very sensitive person in a very good way. Sensitive people have compassion and respect for others for who they really are. I find that in you. God Bless, Cinda
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A hearty thanks for your positive outlook towards me and my work.i always appreciate kind words by good hearted people like you:-)
with affection
Comment from WeaverofFeelings
I understand the imagining life, and not out of cocoon, but the middle line about full moon I am not to clear about. Maybe a little substance to how that fits with life and cocoon?
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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I understand the imagining life, and not out of cocoon, but the middle line about full moon I am not to clear about. Maybe a little substance to how that fits with life and cocoon?
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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Thanks for your views
moon is the source of ideality,clarity and innocence as felt in cocoon.
Hope it would clarify your doubt.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits!
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi Anupam.
Thanks for fanning me and warm welcome to FS.
By the way, I am not "Indian" but do live in India. I'm a "westerner" (white--brought up in new York City) but have lived in India almost 24 years. Currently live in Cochin, though on a long visit to USA at the moment. Have you heard of Amma? I live in Amma's ashram.
REVIEW:
This is deeply reflective and has potential to be a superb 5-7-5 contest entry.
I like the rhyme in this, though traditional haiku does not rhyme. Also, haiku should have two lines of concrete imagery, grammatically linked, and one commentary 'insight line' (CALLED SATORI). The satori line should be grammatically distinct from the other two. It should also have a seasonal reference word (called KIGO). It should not rhyme. No caps except for proper nouns...and minimal punctuation (your entry above works well that way). It must take place in the present tense. There are so many rules for formal haiku.
For the FS 5-7-5 contest, however, those haiku rules do not apply.
As you had asked me to review this mentioning it is haiku, I wanted to mention the haiku rules just FYI, but the lack of complying with them is not the reason for the four star rating.
Here's the reason:
imagining life
in shining sweet full moon yet
not out of cocoon
While I think the linking of all three lines gives this a nice fluidity, the grammar of this sentence is awkward and forced for two reasons:
1) the gerund (word ending in ING) in the first line makes the entire sentence hang of 'dangle' like a fragment. While in haiku one would not use a pronoun, normally, in this case I think it would improve the read.
Possible alternative suggestions:
I imagine life
heart imagines life
2) "yet not" would work much more lucidly as "NOT YET" because the meaning can be misinterpreted with the current wording.
imagining life
in shining sweet full moon not
yet out of cocoon
The imagery is good. The tone is good. the idea is good. The phonetics are excellent with rhyme and the consonant assonance of IN sounds in three words.
The technical side needs work. Do let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to re-review.
Good luck in the contest.
Namaste,
rd
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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Second review
Good edits!
First review (FOUR stars)
Hi Anupam.
Thanks for fanning me and warm welcome to FS.
By the way, I am not "Indian" but do live in India. I'm a "westerner" (white--brought up in new York City) but have lived in India almost 24 years. Currently live in Cochin, though on a long visit to USA at the moment. Have you heard of Amma? I live in Amma's ashram.
REVIEW:
This is deeply reflective and has potential to be a superb 5-7-5 contest entry.
I like the rhyme in this, though traditional haiku does not rhyme. Also, haiku should have two lines of concrete imagery, grammatically linked, and one commentary 'insight line' (CALLED SATORI). The satori line should be grammatically distinct from the other two. It should also have a seasonal reference word (called KIGO). It should not rhyme. No caps except for proper nouns...and minimal punctuation (your entry above works well that way). It must take place in the present tense. There are so many rules for formal haiku.
For the FS 5-7-5 contest, however, those haiku rules do not apply.
As you had asked me to review this mentioning it is haiku, I wanted to mention the haiku rules just FYI, but the lack of complying with them is not the reason for the four star rating.
Here's the reason:
imagining life
in shining sweet full moon yet
not out of cocoon
While I think the linking of all three lines gives this a nice fluidity, the grammar of this sentence is awkward and forced for two reasons:
1) the gerund (word ending in ING) in the first line makes the entire sentence hang of 'dangle' like a fragment. While in haiku one would not use a pronoun, normally, in this case I think it would improve the read.
Possible alternative suggestions:
I imagine life
heart imagines life
2) "yet not" would work much more lucidly as "NOT YET" because the meaning can be misinterpreted with the current wording.
imagining life
in shining sweet full moon not
yet out of cocoon
The imagery is good. The tone is good. the idea is good. The phonetics are excellent with rhyme and the consonant assonance of IN sounds in three words.
The technical side needs work. Do let me know if you make edits and I'll be glad to re-review.
Good luck in the contest.
Namaste,
rd
Comment Written 21-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2013
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From your name,i guessed you are indian but i haven't heard of amma's ashram.a lot of western people keep coming to india for spiritual purpose.
Firstly thanks for sharing the rules of haiku writing.it will help me when i write it again.
And for the write,i appreciate your criticism and praise both.it is the best technical review i have received and i was waiting for it
the suggestions given by you are valuable.it will surely help improve my skills.again a hearty thanks ma'm:-)
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Thanks for your gracious response, Anupam! Happy to be of service. Yes, Amma gave me the name Rama Devi...to it sounds like I'm Indian -but my picture does not look like a native of Bharat! :)
Aum....rd
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Ok.nice to know that.your pic reflects spirituality.so is your pen name.
The word 'devi' means goddess.
Have a nice stay in US:-)
With affection
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Thank you. Yes, Ramaa is a name for Lakshmi (From the Lalita Sahasranamam)..and Devi is...Goddess! I live with Her...Amma is Devi. Warmly, rd
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Oh.amazed to see you know that.even majority of indians won't be knowing that..hehe...
Since i live in central region of india,i haven't heard much of spiritual persons down south much.
Looking forward to learn a lot from you:-)
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Ah yes, I've lived in ashram for 24 years, so studied all the scriptures....also chanting Sahasranamam daily for most of that time. :) Check out Amma's website. She also travels around India. www.amritapuri.org
Aum....rd
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Hi:-)
i hope you are doing well.keeping in mind,what you and my another reviewer friend said,i will update a newer version soon.
With regards:-)
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Namaste, Anupam...that's nice to know. Please do let me know when you make changes and I'll be happy to re-review. Warm regards, rd
Now i have these versions
soul imaines life
beneath sweet pious full moon
not out of cocoon
or
heart imagines life
beneath silvery sweet moon
not out of cocoon
regards:-)
Now i have these versions
soul imagines life
beneath sweet pious full moon
not out of cocoon
or
heart imagines life
beneath silvery sweet full moon
not out of cocoon
regards:-)