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Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Choices, Cultures, Chaos"A Flash Fiction Collection
30 total reviews
Comment from WalkerMan
That this happens is no surprise to me. A person with principles and justifiable pride in his accomplishments, many years of service to our country, and strong marital relationship is bound to be frustrated by gangs of young men who have no father present, little learning to make them employable, and nothing to do other than make trouble -- likely including drug addiction, bullying others, and fighting over territory.
Politicians who wanted a welfare state to make minority groups dependent enough to feel obligated to vote for that party were and still are fully to blame for the harm thus done.
It is entirely reasonable that Jaylen is fed up and wants to move away from a neighborhood like that, no matter the cost, as staying there is both excessively stressful and increasingly dangerous. He explains his view effectively; and his beloved wife, Tameka, loves him enough to understand and accept his decision to leave what they can't fix.
This situation needs to be addressed at the national level as well as locally, as well-meaning citizens like Tameka have not enough power.
Your post is an important warning in story form for better understanding.
Superb. -- Mike
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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That this happens is no surprise to me. A person with principles and justifiable pride in his accomplishments, many years of service to our country, and strong marital relationship is bound to be frustrated by gangs of young men who have no father present, little learning to make them employable, and nothing to do other than make trouble -- likely including drug addiction, bullying others, and fighting over territory.
Politicians who wanted a welfare state to make minority groups dependent enough to feel obligated to vote for that party were and still are fully to blame for the harm thus done.
It is entirely reasonable that Jaylen is fed up and wants to move away from a neighborhood like that, no matter the cost, as staying there is both excessively stressful and increasingly dangerous. He explains his view effectively; and his beloved wife, Tameka, loves him enough to understand and accept his decision to leave what they can't fix.
This situation needs to be addressed at the national level as well as locally, as well-meaning citizens like Tameka have not enough power.
Your post is an important warning in story form for better understanding.
Superb. -- Mike
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
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You are most welcome. -- Mike
Comment from jlsavell
Lance,
I will tell you this is a brilliant write. You are quite good at setting the scene and creating people that are real. I am sure this happens everyday in our country.
Every race and every culture has bad elements. As a writer, you put the reader in Jaylen and his wife's space, and time, and experience.
Truly emotional. Absolutely and undeniably.
A story, when I was young and pregnant with my fourth child, my husband and I rented a house off of the main road in a very small town in Texas. Willis, Texas- 1982. It was a cookie cutter place just like the whole row of six houses.
Two doors down were five guys( Caucasian) who played loud music incessantly, had souped up cars, and were extremely boisterous and very rude. When any neighbor woman would walk outside, they'd make rude sexist jokes.
I felt trapped and afraid to let my kids go outside.
One evening, I had to run to the store for something. As I walked out on the front lawn, these crazies were partying big time and walking around with rifles. They said something to me, but I never made eye contact.
I pulled out of the driveway and three cars began following me. I locked my doors.
As I approached the red light, things got scarey. I wanted to turn right but one far pulled up between me and upon the curb. The other to the left of me and the other behind. Two men got out of their vehicles and started pounding on my door demanding I open it, another jumped on the hood and started kicking and stomping. I was frozen and in such fear, I literally wet my pants.
This was a small redneck town that had one light and two stores.
The few minutes or seconds felt like eternity but suddenly I saw blue flashing lights coming from behind and from the highway on the right.
The guys jumped in all their vehicles and made a bee line and the chase began.
I just sat there, afraid to go forward or even home.
Of course I returned home and packed our bags swiftly and left to my parents.
As we were leaving myriads of county sheriff (?)were now surrounding that house two doors down. The news reported it was filled with drugs and firearms.
I was puzzled as to why these guys went for so long without a law officer coming to their door.
The whole ordeal was a nightmare to me. Your story reminded me of the utter helplessness, fear, and anger that washed over me.
This is how you portrayed this couple. Amazing write and I am more than puzzled that you were disqualified from the contest.
I'm not so certain that I would label the CEC as liberal. But you have every right to be upset and disappointed. It was very unfortunate that they chose to take you out of a contest in which you not only followed the rules but excelled in the storyline.
Their pitiful excuse was not even clear as to exactly why you were disqualified. Could it have been because you used a racial word?
This is a writing site and how you set the scene and the tone and the dialogue is exactly what good writers do. It is also a reality check. Discussions between four walls where families express things they would not express in public, happen everyday.
My story was about white trash and, yes, I can say it.
If I was to write a story about the Deep South in the 1800, for the sake of the storyline like Gone With The Wind, I'd use the derogatory racial word too, because that is how they talked.
They should refund your money with a sincere apology.
Jlsavell
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Lance,
I will tell you this is a brilliant write. You are quite good at setting the scene and creating people that are real. I am sure this happens everyday in our country.
Every race and every culture has bad elements. As a writer, you put the reader in Jaylen and his wife's space, and time, and experience.
Truly emotional. Absolutely and undeniably.
A story, when I was young and pregnant with my fourth child, my husband and I rented a house off of the main road in a very small town in Texas. Willis, Texas- 1982. It was a cookie cutter place just like the whole row of six houses.
Two doors down were five guys( Caucasian) who played loud music incessantly, had souped up cars, and were extremely boisterous and very rude. When any neighbor woman would walk outside, they'd make rude sexist jokes.
I felt trapped and afraid to let my kids go outside.
One evening, I had to run to the store for something. As I walked out on the front lawn, these crazies were partying big time and walking around with rifles. They said something to me, but I never made eye contact.
I pulled out of the driveway and three cars began following me. I locked my doors.
As I approached the red light, things got scarey. I wanted to turn right but one far pulled up between me and upon the curb. The other to the left of me and the other behind. Two men got out of their vehicles and started pounding on my door demanding I open it, another jumped on the hood and started kicking and stomping. I was frozen and in such fear, I literally wet my pants.
This was a small redneck town that had one light and two stores.
The few minutes or seconds felt like eternity but suddenly I saw blue flashing lights coming from behind and from the highway on the right.
The guys jumped in all their vehicles and made a bee line and the chase began.
I just sat there, afraid to go forward or even home.
Of course I returned home and packed our bags swiftly and left to my parents.
As we were leaving myriads of county sheriff (?)were now surrounding that house two doors down. The news reported it was filled with drugs and firearms.
I was puzzled as to why these guys went for so long without a law officer coming to their door.
The whole ordeal was a nightmare to me. Your story reminded me of the utter helplessness, fear, and anger that washed over me.
This is how you portrayed this couple. Amazing write and I am more than puzzled that you were disqualified from the contest.
I'm not so certain that I would label the CEC as liberal. But you have every right to be upset and disappointed. It was very unfortunate that they chose to take you out of a contest in which you not only followed the rules but excelled in the storyline.
Their pitiful excuse was not even clear as to exactly why you were disqualified. Could it have been because you used a racial word?
This is a writing site and how you set the scene and the tone and the dialogue is exactly what good writers do. It is also a reality check. Discussions between four walls where families express things they would not express in public, happen everyday.
My story was about white trash and, yes, I can say it.
If I was to write a story about the Deep South in the 1800, for the sake of the storyline like Gone With The Wind, I'd use the derogatory racial word too, because that is how they talked.
They should refund your money with a sincere apology.
Jlsavell
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Writebynight
Oh, what a sad story. Social problems and ghettoisation are unfortunate problems that shouldn't even exist in the developing world, let alone in countries that see themselves as world leaders. It seems like breaking point is inevitable in a lot of those communities and those that can eventually do always leave. You've presented that really well here. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Oh, what a sad story. Social problems and ghettoisation are unfortunate problems that shouldn't even exist in the developing world, let alone in countries that see themselves as world leaders. It seems like breaking point is inevitable in a lot of those communities and those that can eventually do always leave. You've presented that really well here. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
I was already disqualified.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is an excellent story and unfortunately a true story. When parents give up on taking care of their children (and blaming the school or system when something goes wrong), this kind of life happens. Color really has nothing to do with it. Very well written and to the point.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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This is an excellent story and unfortunately a true story. When parents give up on taking care of their children (and blaming the school or system when something goes wrong), this kind of life happens. Color really has nothing to do with it. Very well written and to the point.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from jenintorre
This is a brilliantly written story and yes I agree that the language is most certainly necessary
I could feel Jaylen's anger and quite rightly too. Excellent!!
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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This is a brilliantly written story and yes I agree that the language is most certainly necessary
I could feel Jaylen's anger and quite rightly too. Excellent!!
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Lisasview
Oh my goodness.. A Good Turn Gone Wrong... I never even saw that contest????
Clever write for sure... Interesting thoughts throughout...
Lisasview
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Oh my goodness.. A Good Turn Gone Wrong... I never even saw that contest????
Clever write for sure... Interesting thoughts throughout...
Lisasview
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
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You are most welcome.
If you have time perhaps you could read three of my posts as I would appreciate your feedback.
Kitchens
Hand~In~Hand
and Edna and Earl
Thank you,
Lisasview
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, I think we are all getting there... the people who are working hard to support the ones that are just entitled and don't want to lift a finger and just wait to be fed. Thank you for sharing this and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Wow, I think we are all getting there... the people who are working hard to support the ones that are just entitled and don't want to lift a finger and just wait to be fed. Thank you for sharing this and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Already Disqualified. No surprise there.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a very American write as we never use this kind of language in England,
is your story about black people moving into your town? Is this why it is not safe anymore? I am not sure? Regardless of skin colour, there is good and bad in every society and we don't like living where we feel unsafe.
Have they all dropped their trousers in the picture? I wonder why?
An unusual post, love Dolly x
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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This is a very American write as we never use this kind of language in England,
is your story about black people moving into your town? Is this why it is not safe anymore? I am not sure? Regardless of skin colour, there is good and bad in every society and we don't like living where we feel unsafe.
Have they all dropped their trousers in the picture? I wonder why?
An unusual post, love Dolly x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
No. It's not about "black" people. The couple in the story are black.
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Oh, okay, I just wondered, thank you for explaining, good luck with the contest, love Dolly x
Comment from PteGIJane
You articulated this social problem very well. Your descriptive words made me feel like I was projected into this crime ridden community along with this couple. It made me feel the intense emotions of this couple and their deep disappointments. The story was very believable and relevant. Excellent work.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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You articulated this social problem very well. Your descriptive words made me feel like I was projected into this crime ridden community along with this couple. It made me feel the intense emotions of this couple and their deep disappointments. The story was very believable and relevant. Excellent work.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I wouldn't be surprised to see this piece winning. It's a good, solid piece and well paced. The feeling of frustration comes across very well indeed.
loudly exhaled. Her head shook slightly - be careful with your adverbs, especially using them close together as it makes them stand out more and can expose a weakness in the verb choices. (this happens a few times throughout)
"Honey, we've been over this. We don't..."- it's more customary to use a dash to signal an interruption rather than the ellipses which is used for more of a trailing off effect. (other instances later on as well)
She didn't say it, but she knew for a man as proud as her husband to be so insulted, disrespected, and wronged, then to walk away. - this is unfinished, the sentence doesn't go anywhere. Feels like the following sentence should be part of this one.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Hi there,
I wouldn't be surprised to see this piece winning. It's a good, solid piece and well paced. The feeling of frustration comes across very well indeed.
loudly exhaled. Her head shook slightly - be careful with your adverbs, especially using them close together as it makes them stand out more and can expose a weakness in the verb choices. (this happens a few times throughout)
"Honey, we've been over this. We don't..."- it's more customary to use a dash to signal an interruption rather than the ellipses which is used for more of a trailing off effect. (other instances later on as well)
She didn't say it, but she knew for a man as proud as her husband to be so insulted, disrespected, and wronged, then to walk away. - this is unfinished, the sentence doesn't go anywhere. Feels like the following sentence should be part of this one.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2023
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Thank you very much.
Already Disqualified. No surprise there.
