Where the Sun Falls
A free verse33 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This contest entry is very seductive and still very innocent. That's talent. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. I enjoyed reading your entry and want to wish you luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
  |
This contest entry is very seductive and still very innocent. That's talent. Thank you for sharing this entry with us. I enjoyed reading your entry and want to wish you luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
-
Thank you so much, Barbara! Xoxo
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is well-written with great word choices. It says a lot without coming out to spell everything out. Favorite lines:
he strips
my every whisper
of farewell.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2024
 |
This is well-written with great word choices. It says a lot without coming out to spell everything out. Favorite lines:
he strips
my every whisper
of farewell.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2024
-
Thank you so much, crystie! I'm honored! Xo
-
Sure thing. Hope you are doing well wherever you are.
Comment from Begin Again
Wow! What a ride you put this reader on! You draw us into a love affair, touch us with the stroke of every word, yet it seems beautiful and moving, not something sordid or stolen. But the ending...to watch the summer sunset in his eyes.... is it goodbye or maybe just the end of the day?
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
|
Wow! What a ride you put this reader on! You draw us into a love affair, touch us with the stroke of every word, yet it seems beautiful and moving, not something sordid or stolen. But the ending...to watch the summer sunset in his eyes.... is it goodbye or maybe just the end of the day?
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
-
Carol, I am honored! Thanks so much!
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I love the way your love-making echoes the scene in the image: Then I melt/ like liquid gold for him/to spread across/ the sea. Delightful alliteration in: drawn to drown/the dreaded/coming end. And then the reflection of the 'summer sunset' in his eyes because, I assume, the reality is too painful to see first-hand. Beautifully done, Jess! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2024
|
I love the way your love-making echoes the scene in the image: Then I melt/ like liquid gold for him/to spread across/ the sea. Delightful alliteration in: drawn to drown/the dreaded/coming end. And then the reflection of the 'summer sunset' in his eyes because, I assume, the reality is too painful to see first-hand. Beautifully done, Jess! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2024
-
Thank you dear Debbie, I appreciate you! Xo
Comment from GWHARGIS
All I can say is, this was stunning. I felt the promise of summer love throughout this. It was perfectly orchestrated to touch every sense. We have the summer sunset, the heat, the salty skin, the sand and the waves. It also told of an almost forbidden moment that will stay with both of them. Great job. Beautifully written. Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
|
All I can say is, this was stunning. I felt the promise of summer love throughout this. It was perfectly orchestrated to touch every sense. We have the summer sunset, the heat, the salty skin, the sand and the waves. It also told of an almost forbidden moment that will stay with both of them. Great job. Beautifully written. Good luck in the contest. Gretchen
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
-
Thanks so much, Gretchen. So glad you enjoyed it!! Xoxo
Comment from royowen
The beautiful thing is that you don't deal in the rather over the top romantic language Jessica, I like this great post dear writer friend, but your free verse is full of great descriptive language, well done beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
|
The beautiful thing is that you don't deal in the rather over the top romantic language Jessica, I like this great post dear writer friend, but your free verse is full of great descriptive language, well done beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
-
Roy, I really appreciate that! Thank you!
Xo
-
Most welcome
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
There is much going on here, and I'm not sure that I understand it all. I'm reading it as a woman in love and spending a final night with the one she loves. Or is she simply saying goodbye to the day?
The stanza where she melts like liquid gold for him, to spread across the sea, sinking like stones and secrets into sand. Now that's lovely ... perhaps it's an affair that's ending, and that is her secret.
You often leave me wondering, Jessica. And that's okay.
I enjoyed the read, and I wish you good luck in the contest.
xo
Pam
|
There is much going on here, and I'm not sure that I understand it all. I'm reading it as a woman in love and spending a final night with the one she loves. Or is she simply saying goodbye to the day?
The stanza where she melts like liquid gold for him, to spread across the sea, sinking like stones and secrets into sand. Now that's lovely ... perhaps it's an affair that's ending, and that is her secret.
You often leave me wondering, Jessica. And that's okay.
I enjoyed the read, and I wish you good luck in the contest.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
Comment from Patrick Bernardy
Hello Jessi!
You know how I feel about your poetry. You never disappoint. Such a sensual and beautiful free verse with all the features -- like perfect line breaks and dense conventions -- that I have come to expect from you.
This meeting of lovers before the "summer sunset" is just the right amount of sexy, with everything implied but ripe with meaning for the discerning reader. It has such loving sweetness and the weight of true love, but at the same time, a reader can feel the passion as their "ragged breath" mirrors the ebb and flow of the tide. (It's interesting that you did not make "breath" plural, as if they are so united that they are sharing just one between them.)
Okay, so I could pull out so much, but I settled on three:
ONE---"to dangle/where the moon and love/both loom." --Quality poets look for places they can add assonance and alliteration. You do this so precisely. I can tell that you do like me and puzzle over every word, seek an alternative that will increase the density of your conventions. (Of course, many times, I'm sure these lines pour out of you in flawless form to begin with.) So, specifically here, we have the choice of the word "dangle," which implies something gently swinging, hung as if to view with enjoyment. Perfect for his "troubled" eyes from her point of view (I assume a female narrator, here, but the poem doesn't specify). The last five words of these lines mix assonance (moon-loom) and alliteration (love-loom), a dazzling combination that displays how meticulous you are with your language.
TWO---"drawn to drown/the dreaded/coming end." --More perfect use of alliteration. It is also perfectly iambic. Beautiful!
THREE---Then I melt/like liquid gold for him,/to spread across/the sea,/when we sink/like stones and secrets/into sand." -- Wow. Okay, so you know how much I love the 5th Stanza of "Black." This one is RIGHT UP THERE with it. You should be SO PROUD of a stanza like this. Most poets don't know to go for a word like "secrets" in this sentence, a noun that takes us out of the physical act being described, and implies a figurative mystery that adds shading, not only to the description, but to the entire poem. Plus, the simile. And the sibilance. Outstanding! Put this one alongside the 5th Stanza of "Black" in your trophy case, Jessica. (By the way, this magnificent stanza is just about in the center of this poem. I just checked: Stanza 5 is EXACTLY in the center of "Black." You think there is anything to that, or just a coincidence? I have no idea.)
I tell you, you are going to get all my weekly 6's if you keep this up. I know I probably sound like a stalker, but I want to be straight with you. You are on another level than everyone else I have seen on this site. I love analyzing and appreciating poetry, where I can spend my time lauding what's great and not have to avoid pointing out flaws for fear of hurting the feelings of sensitive artists who try hard and mean well but don't have your skill and talent. I hope my devotion to your poetry doesn't creep you out. I just want YOU to feel what I would like to feel from time to time -- that someone appreciates and validates the effort and talent and is able to interpret all those clever conventions that makes poetry so satifying to create and mesmerizing to read.
Until next time ...
Patrick
|
Hello Jessi!
You know how I feel about your poetry. You never disappoint. Such a sensual and beautiful free verse with all the features -- like perfect line breaks and dense conventions -- that I have come to expect from you.
This meeting of lovers before the "summer sunset" is just the right amount of sexy, with everything implied but ripe with meaning for the discerning reader. It has such loving sweetness and the weight of true love, but at the same time, a reader can feel the passion as their "ragged breath" mirrors the ebb and flow of the tide. (It's interesting that you did not make "breath" plural, as if they are so united that they are sharing just one between them.)
Okay, so I could pull out so much, but I settled on three:
ONE---"to dangle/where the moon and love/both loom." --Quality poets look for places they can add assonance and alliteration. You do this so precisely. I can tell that you do like me and puzzle over every word, seek an alternative that will increase the density of your conventions. (Of course, many times, I'm sure these lines pour out of you in flawless form to begin with.) So, specifically here, we have the choice of the word "dangle," which implies something gently swinging, hung as if to view with enjoyment. Perfect for his "troubled" eyes from her point of view (I assume a female narrator, here, but the poem doesn't specify). The last five words of these lines mix assonance (moon-loom) and alliteration (love-loom), a dazzling combination that displays how meticulous you are with your language.
TWO---"drawn to drown/the dreaded/coming end." --More perfect use of alliteration. It is also perfectly iambic. Beautiful!
THREE---Then I melt/like liquid gold for him,/to spread across/the sea,/when we sink/like stones and secrets/into sand." -- Wow. Okay, so you know how much I love the 5th Stanza of "Black." This one is RIGHT UP THERE with it. You should be SO PROUD of a stanza like this. Most poets don't know to go for a word like "secrets" in this sentence, a noun that takes us out of the physical act being described, and implies a figurative mystery that adds shading, not only to the description, but to the entire poem. Plus, the simile. And the sibilance. Outstanding! Put this one alongside the 5th Stanza of "Black" in your trophy case, Jessica. (By the way, this magnificent stanza is just about in the center of this poem. I just checked: Stanza 5 is EXACTLY in the center of "Black." You think there is anything to that, or just a coincidence? I have no idea.)
I tell you, you are going to get all my weekly 6's if you keep this up. I know I probably sound like a stalker, but I want to be straight with you. You are on another level than everyone else I have seen on this site. I love analyzing and appreciating poetry, where I can spend my time lauding what's great and not have to avoid pointing out flaws for fear of hurting the feelings of sensitive artists who try hard and mean well but don't have your skill and talent. I hope my devotion to your poetry doesn't creep you out. I just want YOU to feel what I would like to feel from time to time -- that someone appreciates and validates the effort and talent and is able to interpret all those clever conventions that makes poetry so satifying to create and mesmerizing to read.
Until next time ...
Patrick
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
Comment from patcelaw
This is very beautifully worded and it flows very well when it is read aloud. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I also enjoy reading your work. Patricia.
|
This is very beautifully worded and it flows very well when it is read aloud. I wish you the very best with all of your writing and I also enjoy reading your work. Patricia.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
Comment from l.raven
Hi Jessica, what a beautifully written romantic
poem my sweet friend...
it's when you can make your readers feel the
moment...that you know your a talented writer...
and that's what your words spoke in this poem...
I grew up in Florida...and my boyfriend and I would
go to watch the sun go down...your words perfect...
and I did marry that boyfriend...
I love your poem...very nicely written...and I love your
stunning picture...love you...Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
|
Hi Jessica, what a beautifully written romantic
poem my sweet friend...
it's when you can make your readers feel the
moment...that you know your a talented writer...
and that's what your words spoke in this poem...
I grew up in Florida...and my boyfriend and I would
go to watch the sun go down...your words perfect...
and I did marry that boyfriend...
I love your poem...very nicely written...and I love your
stunning picture...love you...Linda xxoo
Comment Written 17-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2024
-
Thank you so much, Linda!! Xxoo
-
your always so welcome Jessica...
God Bless...love you...xxoo 🌞🙏🌼
