Comment from bookishfabler

Excellent

I see Horror thriller up there. SO far it sounds quite innocence. No nits or spags that I can see. Did you finish your other book already? It didn't seem finished. Did I miss somethng?
Maybe just needed a change of pace. Is there a SeaWorld in California too?
hugs
book

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 11-May-2008

Hey Heidi,

Yeah, we have a Sea World in San Diego. Actually, there are several of them around the world. Yes, we've started off just having fun, huh? That won't last for long.

Yes, Vantage Point is finished! Now, Riding Blind is still in progress. I can't seem to get the thrillers out of my head! LOL!

Thanks for the great R&R!

Gayle

Comment from Korton

Excellent

Two naive' teenage girls loose in an amusement park and anxious to explore. This has trouble written all over it. I wonder if they will show up for lunch or get distracted by Mr. Cool. Great start, the characters seem realistic and the dialogue is right on. Very well done.

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hey Frank,

Well, I've decided to explore my dark side on this one.

Thanks so much for being there and for your fine comments.

Gayle

Comment from simplywrite

Excellent

Your off to a great start!
Just one mistake- "That's just want you needed, bubble butt,"
perhaps want should be what.
It kept my interest peaked and I'm already worried about the girls and the good looking guy.
Great job!

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hey Simplywrite,

Man, I scooted back in there and got that! Thanks for the eagle eye and your fine review. Both are highly appreciated.

Gayle

Comment from RossJM

Excellent

What's it gonna be now? Another book?
I must say the start is very good. The girls are fun to watch and listen. Very believable dialogue. You've done a good job, i bet, listening to how teenagers talk.

A few observations though:

He makes me glad to be an only child --- Shouldn't it be "the only child?"

park patrons laughed[,] and cheered[,] and ate[,] and drank

That's just (want)[what] you needed, bubble butt

Well done,
Ross

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hey Ross,

So good to see you again. Yeah, I spent most of the last thirty years working with kids and I think I have good insights into their way of thinking, which is scary at times.

I fixed the want/what. Now, I think a/the either one works. Let me see if anyone else mentions it. The 'and' takes the place of the comma in that series.

Thank you so much for your eagle eye and great comments.

Gayle

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

A good piece of writing,
a story well told, down-to-earth,
making it easy to follow.


as park patrons laughed and cheered and ate and drank.
all these "and"s
as park patrons laughed, cheered, ate and drunk.

That's just want you needed
That's just what you needed.

Dave continued to frown at his son and pursed his lips.
Dave pursed his lips and continued to frown at his son.

Dave continued to frown
Beth continued to stare .. right after one another... how about.
Beth went on staring at her brother. or...
carried on staring at her brother...

discussion of Danny's good
discussion on Danny's

opened his mouth and then closed it. How about...
opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something, but must of thought better of it because he closed it again.

I already made us
I've already made a reservation for twelve-thirty

smiling wide.
smiling widely... or
smiling broadly.

An enjoyable read,
Margaret.

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hi Margaret,

So nice to see you and thank you so much for the eagle eye, your fine comments and lovely stars!

Gayle

Comment from syndactl

Excellent

You did a great job with your characterization, the dialogue and description really made the story come alive to the reader. Already I feel as if I know the characters. This looks like a promising start to your novel. Great job!

-syndactl

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hi Syn,

Thanks so much for the R&R and your fine comments. They are much appreciated.

Gayle

Comment from Max Edon

Excellent

I enjoyed this chapter because the conversations were so realistic. The characters are all very charming. I look forward to the next chapter!

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 10-May-2008

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reply by the author on 10-May-2008

Hi Max,

Thanks so much for the fine R&R and your comments. I really appreciate them,

Gayle