Comment from Thesis

Excellent

Great job. A very nicely told story with action, gore, emotion and revenge.

I like how you described the hybrid and how she transformed to protect herself. - Thesis

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story.

The hybrid in the story is based on my Kimba, a wolf-malamute cross that my husband and I had back in 2000, and until you've seen that transformation, it is a little hard to believe. I could describe it because I got to witness it a couple of times while we had her. Once when she was attacked by a larger and heavier dog and once when I was attacked by a guy about twice my size. Neither time was she forced to "fight to the death" (hers or the aggressor), but it was still a frightening thing to see.

glad you enjoyed the story - sherry

Comment from D. Longo

Excellent

So many mixed emotions on this story, Sherry, that I'm not quite sure how to review it. Let me say that aspects of it are remarkable, with only one factor damaging the story - a factor that might attributed to speed reading. I was unsure of the setting until, "Cassie stopped the film ...."

I question whether folks will empathize with Smoke as much as they would with a human protagonist. Also, having lived the ranch life for several years, I'm dissapointed at the portrayal of cowboys as barbarians; not that some aren't.

Those are the negatives. What I loved about this story:
Calling attention to a despicable, cowardly practice: dog-fighting.
The portrayal of Smoke as an unwilling, but fully capable warrior.
Description in this piece rocked!
A great story line.
Characterizations ( other than stereotypes ).

On balance, I think this an important story. I'd like to see the issues I addressed amended, then read someday that this piece won multiple awards from prestigious publishers.

Be well, Sherry!

D.

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2009

Morning D. - First, thanks so much for reading and reviewing my story. Thank you also for giving me a five-star rating, given your mixed feelings about the story.

I am so sorry that you thought I was stereotyping cowboys. That was not my intention. They say you should write about what you know and so many of my characters (both good and bad) tend to be "good-ol'-boy types (or their counterpoints who aren't quite so good!). In fact, I am married to a long-haired ol' country boy from the oil fields of west Texas. I will try to go in after the contest and add some other characters to the story to alleviate the perceived stereotype.

I think that I may have fixed the "setting" issue by placing the first sentence of the story as a separate paragraph and taking it out of italics. I also placed some of the cameraman's actions in parenthesis. I am not sure I like the result, but did see what the problem was once you pointed it out. I would love it if you would take another look (even if it is just at that one issue) and let me know what you think.

I am glad that you liked some aspects of my work. Hopefully the people that can't empathize with Smoke as the protagonist will be able to empathize, instead, with Cassandra. I actually perceived Smoke as the catalyst to Cassie's actions in this story, rather than the protagonist itself. I may need to work on that, too,

Thank you again for the great review and the well wishes, though I am not sure what prestigious publisher would give an award for this type of short story. :)

have a great week - sherry

Comment from pilarblue

Excellent

Wow. I was captured from begining to end with your story. It is very well written and the pit bull fights is a great touch to the gore. Nice work. :)

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking time to read and review my work. I really was having problems coming up with suitable "gore" for this contest until I read an article on a pit bull fight and remembered some of the stuff that I had seen and heard when I was working rescue in a larger city. All of the sudden, the story just fell together.

thanks for the great review - sherry

Comment from Casper Pearl

Excellent

Wow! I thought this was an amazingly told story. The pacing and suspense was dead on. I didn't think you used excessive or forced violence for the entry. I didn't see one mistake and the confession from the dog owner didn't seem like a cliche one - forced to give readers the information the story lacked. This read wonderfully and your attention to detail is amazing. I felt the scene come alive, even though it was a downer:) And I do agree with you, dog fighting in itself is despicable. I'd give you a six but I'm all out for this week.

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my work. I'll take that virtual six, too! Thanks. It is so rewarding to know that the story worked for you.

Again - thank you so much - have a great week - sherry

Comment from Alcuin

Excellent

Sometimes all that needs saying is, "Yeah". It's a great story. It moves along well and the way it's shown pretty much from the dogs' point of view to begin with somehow enhances that.

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it - sherry

Comment from MaureenC

Exceptional

Well, what can I say! This story kept me entranced from the first word to the last. Well done. I don't have any suggestions that would better this piece. To my way of thinking it is 'perfect'. I thought I had a 'six star' left to give but I didn't, if I had I would have given it to this story. It is one of the best I have read.
How did you go in the contest?
Well done
Mauseyc

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story. Also, thanks for the thought of a sixth star, even if you didn't have an actual one. It is knowing that you thought the story was worth one that counts.

I don't know how it will do in the contest - there are some good stories there and the booth only opened at midnight last night. I'll just have to wait and see ... with fingers crossed of course. LOL

thanks for the "6" and the kind review - hope you have a great week - sherry

Comment from Rain Chapman

Excellent

I was revolted and chilled and in the end satisfied with poetic justice served. This is a great entry for the contest. I did not see any revision necessary to your work, it has great flow and draws the reader in. Good luck to you in the contest! Well done.

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Morning Lorraine - thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. Dog fighting is a chilling and revolting subject and thus made the Gory Horror contest almost too easy. Drawing on some nightmares I had after I lost my wolf-hybrid Kimba completed the picture. Hopefully the ending will help me deal with some of my own issues. And thanks for the well wishes with the contest - we'll see ...

have a great week - sherry

Comment from Lady & Louis

Good

Hello, Sherrygreywolf,

This is certainly a story to fit the contest theme! It's gory and it's a horror story - the more so because these things do happen. Cassie's comment on our "humane" species is spot-on.

The story flows well; there's no trouble sympathising with Cassie or what she does to the promoter. Mad? Not in my book. Nothing else would have been justice.

There's a few spag issues, nothing major, but in need of attention:

The men, watching, cheered or booed and money began to change hands - delete extra space before "watching"

long enough for the dog to get ahold of her. - get hold of OR get a hold of

But I can keep you from hurting anymore dogs. - any more (anymore refers to time; numbers or amounts are "any more")

It's ribs poked against it's hide and the mouth was stretched wide as he tried to devour the officers - Two problems: one, if the dog is "it" then the possessive is "its" ("it's" only ever means "it is"; "its" is like "yours" or "hers", no apostrophe). Two, the sentence flips from "its" to "he". I'd suggest making it "His ribs poked against his hide and his mouth was stretched wide as he tried to devour the officers." The dogs have been he and she all through, so this needs to be consistent.

The dog's head reached past the patrolman's waist and it's head was as broad as the nearby newspaper rack. - see previous note

He flopped to the ground; screaming and writhing in the sand of the pit. - comma, not semi-colon. The second clause isn't a stand-alone sentence.


Cheers and good luck in the contest!

LL :))

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009

Evening LL - Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story. Though I, like most others on this site, have become addicted to getting these lovely little stars, this is exactly the type of review that I need to improve my work. I appreciate both the positive and negative comments and will be correcting these errors later this evening.

Again - thank you so much for the helpful review - sherry

reply by Lady & Louis on 09-Mar-2009

LOL I know about that addiction!

Let me know when you get the editing done, I'll be happy to take another look and re-review.

LL :))

Comment from DecrepitOldBag

Exceptional

Right. I got to tell you, this made me cry. I am an animal lover and although cats are my passion, I also have two beautiful dogs - one of which looks very much as you described 'Smoke'. The details in this story is astounding. It is gory to the extreme and utterly horrible. I hated almost every word of it.....until the end. I found myself almost hoping that Smoke somehow survived - maybe only silver bullets could have killed her...and the woman was she. But no. You totally surprised me with your ending. And a very fitting ending it is. All dog-fight promoters should end this way because police and animal rescue are bloody useless and will never stamp it out.
I found no SpaG to correct, nor any typos. Nothing at all in fact, to fault it.
I have to say that I generally avoid horror like the plague. I sure will not be reading any other any time soon. The images you created in this story will haunt me for a long while yet.
Great writing.
All the best.
Kat

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009

Evening Kat - Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story, especially since horror isn't your preferred genre. I also love getting that treasured 6th star - almost as much as the positive reaction to the story.

I suppose, as a foster for a German Shepherd rescue organization, I should take issue with your comment about us and the police. I can't because you're right - I do sometimes feel SO incredibly ineffectual.

I do apologize for sharing my nightmare with you - I didn't realize when I started writing this that it would be quite as powerful as it turned out. I was actually just trying to exorcise some of my own ghosts - not pass them along.

again - thanks for the kind and encouraging review - sherry

reply by DecrepitOldBag on 09-Mar-2009

Hey Sherry,
Sorry. I didn't mean to cause offence with my sweeping statement 'police and animal charities are useless'.
Here in the UK we have primarily the RSPCA. There are others, but they tend to be smaller and local to certain areas. I used to donate to the RSPCA as I truly believed they did a great job. However, I then moved from the city to this rural environment. Animal cruelty and neglect around here is awful; there is a kind of generalized violent and unpleasant attitude to all animals. Locals seem to take this as being perfectly acceptable. They kick and beat their dogs (and their wives and children I've no doubt), cats are never neutered (even if they are tolerated by a select few), but left uncut to produce kittens - which are then heartlessly drowned. Local parents seem to raise their kids to play with guns and shoot anything and everything that moves - badgers, rabbits, foxes, birds. Kids are rarely 'good' shots, and animals are then either left to die or kicked and stomped and laughed at in their agonies. I must have called the RSPCA dozens of times since I've lived here. Not once have they helped in any way!
When I lived just outside a big town, there was a badger sett quite near my home. My kids and I used to watch them at night, playing amongst the trees. When someone went there and killed the male one night, the RSPCA made a big thing of it, helped the badgers, prosecuted the perps and it was all over the paper and news. Here however, when I found evidence of such activity, the RSPCA told me "Too late to do anything now and we'll never catch them." Also, they've refused to help injured wildlife and cruelly treated pets.
I'm sure you yourself do a great job. It's true we can't fix everything, any of us, only do what we can. You with your dogs - me with my cats.
All the best.
Kat

reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Kat, Kat. Kat - Rest easy my dear friend! You missed the last part of my statement and it is SO hard to communicate via text with no emotions! I think I said I SHOULD take issue, not that I DID.

I, too, feel that the law enforcement (here in US, too) often do way too little to lesson the pain and suffering of the animals. Generally it is only if they can make headlines that they will put forth the effort and many times it is a case of too little/too late, as you said.

And we that are involved in rescue are so overwhelmed that it seems nothing we can do will ever make a difference. I feel, most times, like the little boy with his finger in the dike trying to hold back the ocean.

I know you meant no offense and I certainly didn't take any - I know that everyone has had bad experiences with authorities and so-called service organizations. PLEASE don't take my replies too much to heart - I would hate to lose you as a reviewer for my work.

I am definitely one of those people that have a light vs. dark side and would like for you to not see only the dark.

A nice mood-lifting read for you would be some of my kids stuff - GRACIE'S GIFT is about a preschooler, her puppy and a fairy and THE TALE OF THE MOAT TOADS is a children's poem about an imaginary land and the (duh) toads that live in the castle moats. Another short poem (also about a dog) is BUSTED! Any of these would be quick to read (2 to 3 minutes) and give you a taste of my lighter writing.

I am so sorry that my reply distressed you.

hugs, my friend - sherry

reply by DecrepitOldBag on 09-Mar-2009

Thanks for such a lovely reply Sherry. I wasn't distressed by your original reply, just trying to ensure you understood my feelings (of which I have probably far too many)! No offense taken or intended. I'm adding you to my 'buddy' list I hope that's ok. That way, I can go poking around in your portfolio. I will read your lighter stuff, that is a dead cert. No way will you 'lose me' as a reviewer. I look for you after having read the story of the lovely natured Collie in the pound who didn't find a home!
All good wishes.
Kat

reply by the author on 09-Mar-2009

Love having you on board as a "buddy" - everyone can use more of those. It's always nice to hear that someone is watching for you because of something that you'd written earlier, too.

looking forward to hearing from you later - hugs - sherry

Comment from Mindtoi

Excellent

I like the twist on this story, but I think the imagery is what really makes it good. You have some great detail. I think there is a lot of back story I would like to know about your protagonist, just because she seems really interesting. Good job.

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2009

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2009

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story. I appreciate the positive comments about the various elements of the story. You might understand a bit more about Smoke and Cassie if you read through some of the answers to other reviews on this story.

Again - thanks so much for the encouragement - sherry