Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "So The Story Goes...."A book of a mixture of stories
64 total reviews
Comment from babylonia
carol,
LOL this is hilarious. made me smile and giggle many times. rumors do fly quickly don't they? especially with cell phones. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent. good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2009
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carol,
LOL this is hilarious. made me smile and giggle many times. rumors do fly quickly don't they? especially with cell phones. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent. good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 12-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2009
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Barbara..
Thanks so much. I am not into horror too much so changing the story to something funny suited me better. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again - Carol
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carol,
i always try to add a little humor to my horror or fantasy. even ghosties and ghouls need a sense of humor.
:P
love,
barbara
Comment from Live2Write
What a great little piece. It's amazing how a good game of "telephone" can go terribly or hysterically awry. That's what one gets for getting carried away with rumors!
Well done!
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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What a great little piece. It's amazing how a good game of "telephone" can go terribly or hysterically awry. That's what one gets for getting carried away with rumors!
Well done!
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Live2Write...
You are so aptly right! It was a fun story to write and I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again - Carol C
Comment from marniegrace
Brilliant depiction of the old 'Chinese whispers'! Very good flash fiction piece according to my understanding of it. Very well done, plenty of description - no nonsense, just the story. And entertaining too, well done :-)
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Brilliant depiction of the old 'Chinese whispers'! Very good flash fiction piece according to my understanding of it. Very well done, plenty of description - no nonsense, just the story. And entertaining too, well done :-)
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Marnie...
Thank you for your kind words. I am very glad that you enjoyed the story. It was my first attempt at flash fiction, a challenge to condense words. But it was fun.
Thanks again - Carol C
Comment from Shirley B
I loved your humor. You did a very good job. It was very descritive and very funny. It reminded me of elementary school. The teachet whispered a sentence in one child's ear then we whispered the same sentence all around the class. The last child said the sentence outloud. It was nothing like the teacher said. That's how we learned about gossip. Thank you for writing it. Happy writing Shirley
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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I loved your humor. You did a very good job. It was very descritive and very funny. It reminded me of elementary school. The teachet whispered a sentence in one child's ear then we whispered the same sentence all around the class. The last child said the sentence outloud. It was nothing like the teacher said. That's how we learned about gossip. Thank you for writing it. Happy writing Shirley
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Shirley...
Thank you for the kind comments. It was funny how many people this brought back memories to. I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again - Carol C
Comment from Mrs Jones
Loved it. Reminded me I used to live in a very small town at the end of the main road and we used to say "Lets start a rumour and see what comes out at the other end of the road." It is the nature of the beast. Lol.
Outstanding writing.
Cheers
Rose
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Loved it. Reminded me I used to live in a very small town at the end of the main road and we used to say "Lets start a rumour and see what comes out at the other end of the road." It is the nature of the beast. Lol.
Outstanding writing.
Cheers
Rose
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Rose...
You are so right! I am glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by and reading and for the very kind and appreciated words. Carol C (Oh my..I just was about to click off when I noticed the stars...Thank You Thank You Thank you
Comment from suneagle
It's generally better to stick to one or two characters for a short Flash Fiction. However, this fun romp worked for me and I enjoyed reading it. It was rather wordy, specific instances are shown below where you 'told' rather than 'showed'. And there were a couple of technical errors, which I've noted for your attention.
Neighbors watched from their front yards, curious as to what was happening. (You could tighten that to read:
Curious neighbors watched from front yards.)
"That's what Mrs. Harper told me." Molly said with conviction. (Two things here. First the speech tag is part of the sentence. Second the words "with conviction" are superfluous--the reader would assume it:
"That's what Mrs. Harper told me," Molly said.)
Her brother, Tommy, silently approached her and yelled, "Gotcha!" (Don't use adverbs in Flash Fiction. You could write:
Her brother, Tommy, snuck up and yelled, "Gotcha!"
{The verb "snuck" 'shows' the action and avoids having to 'tell' it with an adverb.])
He laughed hysterically at her reaction. "That's not funny!" (Another adverb to avoid. Could you 'show' the effect of his hysteria. For example: He doubled over with laughter, slapping at his sides, and tears ran down his cheeks.])
Walking away from Tara, he continued. "You aren't going to believe this! (... continued, "You ... [period changed to comma])
The voice on the phone was doubtful. (That sentence seems out of place and redundant. I suggest you delete it. Or you could 'show' rather than 'tell'. For example: He shook his head and waved his other hand. "No, man ...)
Bruiser, a black Labrador, jumped from inside the car and raced toward Mrs. Pickens, almost knocking her to the ground. (Delete "inside"--superfluous word.)
I just don't know what I'm going do with the dog."
(... going to do with the dog."
OR, you could be colloquial:
... gonna do with the dog.")
*** Did you read my essay about Flash Fiction? PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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It's generally better to stick to one or two characters for a short Flash Fiction. However, this fun romp worked for me and I enjoyed reading it. It was rather wordy, specific instances are shown below where you 'told' rather than 'showed'. And there were a couple of technical errors, which I've noted for your attention.
Neighbors watched from their front yards, curious as to what was happening. (You could tighten that to read:
Curious neighbors watched from front yards.)
"That's what Mrs. Harper told me." Molly said with conviction. (Two things here. First the speech tag is part of the sentence. Second the words "with conviction" are superfluous--the reader would assume it:
"That's what Mrs. Harper told me," Molly said.)
Her brother, Tommy, silently approached her and yelled, "Gotcha!" (Don't use adverbs in Flash Fiction. You could write:
Her brother, Tommy, snuck up and yelled, "Gotcha!"
{The verb "snuck" 'shows' the action and avoids having to 'tell' it with an adverb.])
He laughed hysterically at her reaction. "That's not funny!" (Another adverb to avoid. Could you 'show' the effect of his hysteria. For example: He doubled over with laughter, slapping at his sides, and tears ran down his cheeks.])
Walking away from Tara, he continued. "You aren't going to believe this! (... continued, "You ... [period changed to comma])
The voice on the phone was doubtful. (That sentence seems out of place and redundant. I suggest you delete it. Or you could 'show' rather than 'tell'. For example: He shook his head and waved his other hand. "No, man ...)
Bruiser, a black Labrador, jumped from inside the car and raced toward Mrs. Pickens, almost knocking her to the ground. (Delete "inside"--superfluous word.)
I just don't know what I'm going do with the dog."
(... going to do with the dog."
OR, you could be colloquial:
... gonna do with the dog.")
*** Did you read my essay about Flash Fiction? PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2009
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Suneagle...
Thank yo for your suggestions. It was my first attempt at flash fiction. I prefer to write descriptively so illuminating words was difficult.
I am slightly confused on several of your suggestions though.
He laughed hysterically at her reaction. "That's not funny!" (Another adverb to avoid. Could you 'show' the effect of his hysteria. For example: He doubled over with laughter, slapping at his sides, and tears ran down his cheeks.])
This is how I would normally write, but since word elimination is the game why would I add this lengthy sentence?)
Thanks again...I'll check out your site. Carol C
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It was just an example of 'showing'. You were doing a lot of 'tellling'. Whether that particular sentence was relevant depends on the context and the number of words you're playing with.
Comment from sherrymccall
You have a wonderful imagination and know how to put your thoughts into words. This is a fascinating story. It was well written and kept your reader in suspense until the end where you threw in an unexpected twist of humor. I have not been on fanstory in awhile. I use to write quiet a bit and got so busy i kind of put my writing on the back burner to simmer for a spell. You have intrigued my senses and encouraged me to began to write again. I just decided to click onto fanstory today and read a story or two and I am so glad I did, otherwise i may have never got the oppurtunity to have met you through your writing. I look forward to seeing much more of your writing. You can check out some of mine if you ever get a chance. You may have to click onto all writing because i dont know how many of my writings are still listed in the recent files but there is a box at the top of the pages that you can click all. God bless you . Sherry
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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You have a wonderful imagination and know how to put your thoughts into words. This is a fascinating story. It was well written and kept your reader in suspense until the end where you threw in an unexpected twist of humor. I have not been on fanstory in awhile. I use to write quiet a bit and got so busy i kind of put my writing on the back burner to simmer for a spell. You have intrigued my senses and encouraged me to began to write again. I just decided to click onto fanstory today and read a story or two and I am so glad I did, otherwise i may have never got the oppurtunity to have met you through your writing. I look forward to seeing much more of your writing. You can check out some of mine if you ever get a chance. You may have to click onto all writing because i dont know how many of my writings are still listed in the recent files but there is a box at the top of the pages that you can click all. God bless you . Sherry
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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Sherry...I will definitely do that. I hope you read a few of my personal ones...Diamond in the Rough is about my handicapped so, Butterflies From Heaven is about my son who died and Against all odds is about my granddaughter.
I'm very glad you signed on today too. Must have been the right thing to do. Take care - Carol C
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Wow !!!! This was meant to be. I cant wait to read these stories about your sons and granddaughter. You have encouraged me so much. Like i said i had let the fact that i need schooling hinder me and discourage me because my life is so hectic that i do not have time now to go back to school between work, church, and babysitting grandchildren my plate is full. I am going to try to get back into some of my writing again, thanks to you.
Comment from ruthrich
Neat story. Opening line could have led to ordinary piece, you gave it an interesting twist to make it different. I especially liked how it escalated. Good Luck.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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Neat story. Opening line could have led to ordinary piece, you gave it an interesting twist to make it different. I especially liked how it escalated. Good Luck.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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ruthrich...
Thank you for your generous and well appreciated comments. It was fund to write and I'm glad it was enjoyed. Carol C
Comment from ladybird
This is so very good. What starts out a a simple little bit of gossip goes from mouth to mouth getting more exaggerated in the telling, just like real life really, lol.loved the ending, so not wht you'd expect, a dog getting caught up in a sheet, lol. Brill.
You desrve to win with this ne.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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This is so very good. What starts out a a simple little bit of gossip goes from mouth to mouth getting more exaggerated in the telling, just like real life really, lol.loved the ending, so not wht you'd expect, a dog getting caught up in a sheet, lol. Brill.
You desrve to win with this ne.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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Ladybird...
Thank you for your generous and kindhearted remarks. I enjoyed writing the story and I am thoroughly enjoying the fact that other people enjoyed it too.
Thank you again - Carol C
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You're welcome.
Comment from fayesh
I thought your story was both imaginative and well presented. It is amazing how the truth can be blown out of proportion when viewed by different people with different motives or experiences.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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I thought your story was both imaginative and well presented. It is amazing how the truth can be blown out of proportion when viewed by different people with different motives or experiences.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2009
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fayesh...
Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. I appreciate your kind words. Carol C