Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Unsung Hero"A book of a mixture of stories
26 total reviews
Comment from Sarabran
an outstanding story so descriptive that you feel like you are there where the horrific disaster is taking place. I was thinking of taking a plane trip, but have changed my mind since reading this. You did a great job, and thanks for sharing. Sarabran
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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an outstanding story so descriptive that you feel like you are there where the horrific disaster is taking place. I was thinking of taking a plane trip, but have changed my mind since reading this. You did a great job, and thanks for sharing. Sarabran
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Sarabran...
Thank you so much for your kind review. It is greatly appreciated. Carol C
Comment from Readywriter52
What a tragic incident. It's all the more tragic because it could have been prevented. A woman lost her life and three children lost their mother. The children were lucky someone helped them.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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What a tragic incident. It's all the more tragic because it could have been prevented. A woman lost her life and three children lost their mother. The children were lucky someone helped them.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Readtwriter...
Yes, this was very devastating. It won't bring the lady back, but I hope they railroad is punished somehow. Thanks for reading and commenting. Carol C
Comment from --Turtle.
I like the changes you made,
only thing to consider is the construction guys don't have a problem breathing air, it's the smoke they can't breath.
Hello BeginAgain, powerful topic. Good visuals. I think you have quiet a story here and I'm going to offer up my thoughts on it, cause I think it's really good and I hoped that some of these suggestions can help up it up (some comments are just curiosity). (let me know when you've updated, I'll reread.)
They need to get this looked at."
(this was a confusing sentence for me. Is he by the water on the tracks? They need to take care of this?)
Jake had notified both rail lines of possible problems.
(why had notified?, can it be Jake notified both rail lines in this case? Does it have to happen in the past, or can it be brought up to happen as we read it?)
Neither line indicated if any trains were in the area
(I only was curious about the if, or whether being appropriate or not or even blank... not sure on this, I just wondered here. Neither line indicated any trains were in the area. (not sure here))
The cars derailed, rolled and exploded.
(This is just me venting, I don't think this is wrong or needs to be changed but why does it seem that everyone does this pattern now... what happened to the good old derailed, rolled, and exploded? I miss it. were they exploding as they rolled?)
Zeta screamed, "Get out of the car and run."
(I thought this would be a a good place for an ! exclamaition point... )
Zeta pulled the baby from the car seat and ran.
(The word 'car' was used a lot, if you can find a way to go back and reword any of the 'car's' where possible I think it would help the overwhelming I got from all the 'car's' Also, the baby, felt impersonal... like the shoes, or the groceries... what about her baby? Zeta pulled her baby from the childseat? backseat?)
The flames licked viciously at the cars.
(I liked the visual here, but because there are so many cars' train cars.. and car car's I didn't know where exactly to assign the licking flames.)
trying not to breathe the suffocating air.
(this read funny. I envisioned the air suffocating. Poor air... May want to reword this,
Cars were emptying and people were running, screaming in fear and pain.
(so many cars... and this is a bad sentence to have passive wording. It's such a scary visual. How about
In a panic, people exited there vehicles, running, screaming in fear and pain.? or something like that... where you can use vehicle instead of car, and a starting verb that is not were doing.)
He pointed toward Zeta lying in the street.
(who pointed, I lost track of pronoun. I don't know whose perspective I'm in at that point, third I suppose, but the stranger doesn't know who Zeta is, right?
Train cars were exploding
(It would be nice to get a quick where here for perspective, Train cars exploded(or were exploding) to his right, or all around, or to his left. nearby.)
Pieces of metal and railroad ties were raining from the sky
... railroad ties rained from the sky...
Gaping holes in her back were smoldering.
(passive... Gaping holes smoldered in her back? Gaping holes in her back smoldered. Gaping holes smoldered at her back?)
Her scorched body protected the child from the flames.
(The child, impersonal, a little confusing, a child instead?)
A piece of railroad tie smashed against the ground missing them by inches
(I felt a comma after ground would make for a dramatic pause)
Rescue personnel were assisting people. Some burned; others had inhaled too much smoke.
(This makes it look like the rescue people were burned?
Rescue personel assisted people, some burned, others who had inhaled too much smoke.)?
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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I like the changes you made,
only thing to consider is the construction guys don't have a problem breathing air, it's the smoke they can't breath.
Hello BeginAgain, powerful topic. Good visuals. I think you have quiet a story here and I'm going to offer up my thoughts on it, cause I think it's really good and I hoped that some of these suggestions can help up it up (some comments are just curiosity). (let me know when you've updated, I'll reread.)
They need to get this looked at."
(this was a confusing sentence for me. Is he by the water on the tracks? They need to take care of this?)
Jake had notified both rail lines of possible problems.
(why had notified?, can it be Jake notified both rail lines in this case? Does it have to happen in the past, or can it be brought up to happen as we read it?)
Neither line indicated if any trains were in the area
(I only was curious about the if, or whether being appropriate or not or even blank... not sure on this, I just wondered here. Neither line indicated any trains were in the area. (not sure here))
The cars derailed, rolled and exploded.
(This is just me venting, I don't think this is wrong or needs to be changed but why does it seem that everyone does this pattern now... what happened to the good old derailed, rolled, and exploded? I miss it. were they exploding as they rolled?)
Zeta screamed, "Get out of the car and run."
(I thought this would be a a good place for an ! exclamaition point... )
Zeta pulled the baby from the car seat and ran.
(The word 'car' was used a lot, if you can find a way to go back and reword any of the 'car's' where possible I think it would help the overwhelming I got from all the 'car's' Also, the baby, felt impersonal... like the shoes, or the groceries... what about her baby? Zeta pulled her baby from the childseat? backseat?)
The flames licked viciously at the cars.
(I liked the visual here, but because there are so many cars' train cars.. and car car's I didn't know where exactly to assign the licking flames.)
trying not to breathe the suffocating air.
(this read funny. I envisioned the air suffocating. Poor air... May want to reword this,
Cars were emptying and people were running, screaming in fear and pain.
(so many cars... and this is a bad sentence to have passive wording. It's such a scary visual. How about
In a panic, people exited there vehicles, running, screaming in fear and pain.? or something like that... where you can use vehicle instead of car, and a starting verb that is not were doing.)
He pointed toward Zeta lying in the street.
(who pointed, I lost track of pronoun. I don't know whose perspective I'm in at that point, third I suppose, but the stranger doesn't know who Zeta is, right?
Train cars were exploding
(It would be nice to get a quick where here for perspective, Train cars exploded(or were exploding) to his right, or all around, or to his left. nearby.)
Pieces of metal and railroad ties were raining from the sky
... railroad ties rained from the sky...
Gaping holes in her back were smoldering.
(passive... Gaping holes smoldered in her back? Gaping holes in her back smoldered. Gaping holes smoldered at her back?)
Her scorched body protected the child from the flames.
(The child, impersonal, a little confusing, a child instead?)
A piece of railroad tie smashed against the ground missing them by inches
(I felt a comma after ground would make for a dramatic pause)
Rescue personnel were assisting people. Some burned; others had inhaled too much smoke.
(This makes it look like the rescue people were burned?
Rescue personel assisted people, some burned, others who had inhaled too much smoke.)?
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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turtlestage....
check it out now.. Thanks for the suggestions as usual you are great. This flash fiction and trying to eliminate everything drives me crazy. Thanks Carol
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
Wow, what a horrific story! And it's based on an actual event. Sometimes heroes are born, sometimes a situation like this make them. Very nicely written. Good job in showing us this event, not just telling it.
John
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Wow, what a horrific story! And it's based on an actual event. Sometimes heroes are born, sometimes a situation like this make them. Very nicely written. Good job in showing us this event, not just telling it.
John
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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John..
Yes, unfortunately last Friday night about two miles from my home. Fourteen tankers exploded after the tracks were washed away. Just devastating! Thanks for the review. I always appreciate hearing from you. Carol
Comment from Kristia
HI,
This story really hits home. It has lots of description that puts your reader right there in the action. One can feel the frustration at the end of the needless death. Nice work.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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HI,
This story really hits home. It has lots of description that puts your reader right there in the action. One can feel the frustration at the end of the needless death. Nice work.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Kristia...
Thank you so much. I see "we" are at the computer again. this sight has sucked me right in and I can't stop it.
Thanks for the comments. I'm not a big flash fiction fan, but I'm trying to dabble in a bit of everything. Carol
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LOL.....yes Carol.......we have to stop meeting like this :) Have a good night.
Comment from Carol Johnson
I thought you did a good job with this story. The way you shifted from the officers to the individuals was creative and an interesting approach to the story.
My only thought is this feels a little "rushed". Perhaps you can expand on this a bit. Consider writing it in limited third person point of view. Because what I see missing that may make this even stronger is internal thought and individual emotion. That is expressed through the imagery you show - which is strong. And the dialogue you use - which is very powerful. But that internal thought, I think, may make this even stronger.
A very well crafted story. The fact that it is true makes it even stronger. You did a wonderful job of showing these heroes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
|
I thought you did a good job with this story. The way you shifted from the officers to the individuals was creative and an interesting approach to the story.
My only thought is this feels a little "rushed". Perhaps you can expand on this a bit. Consider writing it in limited third person point of view. Because what I see missing that may make this even stronger is internal thought and individual emotion. That is expressed through the imagery you show - which is strong. And the dialogue you use - which is very powerful. But that internal thought, I think, may make this even stronger.
A very well crafted story. The fact that it is true makes it even stronger. You did a wonderful job of showing these heroes.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2009
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2009
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Carol
Thank you so much for your comments. I'm terrified when I post a flash fiction because I'm told I don't cut it thin enough. This is no where near my original draft. I cut..and cut some more. To me as you said, it becomes plain.
Thanks again...I'll work a little more on it. Or try! Carol C
