Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Those Sad Brown Eyes"A book of a mixture of stories
60 total reviews
Comment from AnnieBogart
Very well done!!! Bravo on your contest entry. Mine seems horrible after reading yours! You painted this town wonderfully, I could completely see it. Jake is a lovable young character. Good luck!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Very well done!!! Bravo on your contest entry. Mine seems horrible after reading yours! You painted this town wonderfully, I could completely see it. Jake is a lovable young character. Good luck!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Annie..What a generous comment. I am sure every one tried their best. We each just have a different slant on the story. Thanks again. I am glad you enjoyed it. Carol
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello Begin Again,
This is a very well crafted story. Your use of dialogue is excellent. Little narration is required. The plot tightens with each succeeding paragraph. I found no errors, but I suggest using "into" instead of "in to" when the gears are shifted as that maneuver is one quick action.
Not enough to lower your rating. I really enjoyed this read.
Ray
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Hello Begin Again,
This is a very well crafted story. Your use of dialogue is excellent. Little narration is required. The plot tightens with each succeeding paragraph. I found no errors, but I suggest using "into" instead of "in to" when the gears are shifted as that maneuver is one quick action.
Not enough to lower your rating. I really enjoyed this read.
Ray
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Ray...Thank you for reading and for enjoying my story. I greatly appreciate your kind review. Carol
Comment from Kristia
Hi,
Wow, what a great story! This is a very unique take on this contest. My attention was held until the end and I was surprised by the ending. Great work!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Hi,
Wow, what a great story! This is a very unique take on this contest. My attention was held until the end and I was surprised by the ending. Great work!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Kristia...
Thanks again for reading and taking the time to review. I greatly appreciate your kind words. Carol
Comment from maxic59
A well deserved all time best story. Well done. I like the suspense, your descriptions of the town made it very real, well done
good luck with the competition.
Cheers max
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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A well deserved all time best story. Well done. I like the suspense, your descriptions of the town made it very real, well done
good luck with the competition.
Cheers max
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Max...
Thanks for reading and for the kind review. I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from pixiemillie
I'm sorry I don't have a six left for this piece is surely deserving. What a wonderful and interesting as well as intriguing write you came up with for this contest- -and all this from looking at the artwork. I will admit the woman in the artwork looks older than a teenager, but who cares. You have taken a whole different perspective on this contest entry than others I've read.
The building of the basis of this girl behind the curtain only add interest and keeps one reading. Stan thinking Jake had an over-active imagination until the day when she mouthed the words, and the Officer was in the store.
The hero gets recognized at the town picnic, receives an award and gets a raise- -I say he surely deserves all of it but his thoughts persist on those eyes, that smile and the mouthed 'thank you'.
Well done.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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I'm sorry I don't have a six left for this piece is surely deserving. What a wonderful and interesting as well as intriguing write you came up with for this contest- -and all this from looking at the artwork. I will admit the woman in the artwork looks older than a teenager, but who cares. You have taken a whole different perspective on this contest entry than others I've read.
The building of the basis of this girl behind the curtain only add interest and keeps one reading. Stan thinking Jake had an over-active imagination until the day when she mouthed the words, and the Officer was in the store.
The hero gets recognized at the town picnic, receives an award and gets a raise- -I say he surely deserves all of it but his thoughts persist on those eyes, that smile and the mouthed 'thank you'.
Well done.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2009
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Pixiemillie...She was leading a hard lige, aged quickly. haha
Thanks for reading. I am so glad lyou enjoyed it. I had fun writing it too. I appreciate your generous words. Thanks again. Carol
Comment from zlp22
Great story. Very interesting till the end. You did very good job of keeping the suspense up for the
whole story. Sometimes a story will be a letdown at the end, but this ending was perfect.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Great story. Very interesting till the end. You did very good job of keeping the suspense up for the
whole story. Sometimes a story will be a letdown at the end, but this ending was perfect.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Zip...
You scared me at first, thought you didn't like the ending. I am happy that you were surprised. Thanks for the great review. Carol
Comment from dihardest
Reading this, I couldn't help but visualize the pictures of two eyes so often used in advertising. I've always found that technique especially effective and, now, you have accomplished the same, painting that picture with your words, giving those eyes an unspoken message, then a plaintiff cry, then a name. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Reading this, I couldn't help but visualize the pictures of two eyes so often used in advertising. I've always found that technique especially effective and, now, you have accomplished the same, painting that picture with your words, giving those eyes an unspoken message, then a plaintiff cry, then a name. Nicely done.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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dihardest...
Thank you for reading and for the kind review. I am pleased that you connected with my attempt to draw the reader to the eyes. Thanks again Carol
Comment from apelle
Fantastic writing !
Your writing is perfect, I loved your words and how you command them into the story .
I am so humbled now regarding my entry after reading your contest entry ...
Thanks for a wonderful read and lesson
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Fantastic writing !
Your writing is perfect, I loved your words and how you command them into the story .
I am so humbled now regarding my entry after reading your contest entry ...
Thanks for a wonderful read and lesson
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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apelle...
Everyone has a different take on the girl behind the curtains. I am sure that your story is just as good. But thank you for the kind and generous review. I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from joan marie
Great build up. I started to read faster and faster as the action really hit a peak. Very enjoyable story. Good ending. I love good endings. Really could feel his panic. joan marie
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Great build up. I started to read faster and faster as the action really hit a peak. Very enjoyable story. Good ending. I love good endings. Really could feel his panic. joan marie
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Joan Marie...
Thank you so much. I always fear that even though I feel the energy when I am writing, others may not. I really appreciate that it registered with you when you were reading. Thanks for the great review. Carol
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I read a lot and it definitely was one of the better stories I'd read yesterday. jm
Comment from laurelp
Nicely done. You use a good amount of description explaining your thoughts and fears. You described the characters well. In all, a very good job.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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Nicely done. You use a good amount of description explaining your thoughts and fears. You described the characters well. In all, a very good job.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2009
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laurel
Thanks so much for your kind and generous review. I appreciate it very much. Carol