Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Hidden Beneath The Pain"A book of a mixture of stories
34 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
What a fascinating story you've woven in less than 1500 words - I was riveted, wondering what the back story of this long institutionalized woman was and then finding out through the story of the locket - this is well written with excellent dialogue and character development - it works well as a stand alone story but could easily be expanded to learn what there still is to learn. Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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What a fascinating story you've woven in less than 1500 words - I was riveted, wondering what the back story of this long institutionalized woman was and then finding out through the story of the locket - this is well written with excellent dialogue and character development - it works well as a stand alone story but could easily be expanded to learn what there still is to learn. Brooke
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Brooke...Thank you so much for your kind comments. I wasn't happy with my writing, but the story line must be right. I have had three or four people suggest it should be a book. I appreciate your comments very much. Carol
Comment from Phil Kitom
This is an excellent story and one I would consider
turning into a book, if you haven't already. There is a lot of things that you can do with it. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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This is an excellent story and one I would consider
turning into a book, if you haven't already. There is a lot of things that you can do with it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Phil..My jaw dropped when I read your review. I had the thoughts of this story in my head for about a week, but couldn't get it started. Last night just before dead line, my fingers started flying across the keys. You are the second or third person who recommended a book. Do you really think its worth exploring? Thanks for the kind response. Carol
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Most definately Carol.. for instance you might...
Possible scenario
How did she get in the drug house, what was the lead up was she kidnapped?
Did she have a row and run away, her parents and sister searching for her?
Did she have a boyfriend who took advantage of her, what happened to him. Will he reappear when he hears her circumstances have changed.
Possible scenario
What if the necklace was a key to a lock that held treasure
and led to a searching adventure, with her new best friend
These are just a few possibilities and maybe jig saw pieces for you to try and construct. Best wishes Phil
Comment from dihardest
Yours is a beautifully told story contrasting the generic indifference of care providers with the occasional warmth and concern extended to institutionalized. I read your story, "Raven's" self-description as a "princess" as metaphorical - the princess every girl has been once upon a time. Very touching tale you constructed.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Yours is a beautifully told story contrasting the generic indifference of care providers with the occasional warmth and concern extended to institutionalized. I read your story, "Raven's" self-description as a "princess" as metaphorical - the princess every girl has been once upon a time. Very touching tale you constructed.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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dihardest...You are correct. She was daddy's little princess until someone killed her parents and enslaved her. Being rescued only meant another kind of imprisonment. Thanks for reading and commenting, I greatly appreciate it. Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very nice. This was a wonderful story, so much emotion and carring. I loved it.
Caution on your thats. There were more, I just copied down a few examples.
quite odd that she was (You don't need the that and I really don't think you need the quite. I think odd takes care of it.)
it was obvious that my heart wasn't (Again the that.)
The story goes that she went wild when (This reads a little choppy, but I couldn't come up with a better way, so I don't know.)
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Very nice. This was a wonderful story, so much emotion and carring. I loved it.
Caution on your thats. There were more, I just copied down a few examples.
quite odd that she was (You don't need the that and I really don't think you need the quite. I think odd takes care of it.)
it was obvious that my heart wasn't (Again the that.)
The story goes that she went wild when (This reads a little choppy, but I couldn't come up with a better way, so I don't know.)
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Barbara...This story was rattling around my head for days and I couldn't put it down on paper. Last night just before deadline, the light bulb came on and I started typing away. I'm not surprised that you didn't really slaughter me with this one. I appreciate your kindness. I'll go back today and clear out those thats. Thanks so much for stopping by. Take care....Carol
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Not a problem
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Just finished checking the thats...you were far too kind. I can't believe I put so many in there. Must have been brain freeze just before deadline...Sounds like a likely excuse anyhow. Thanks again. I really do appreciate your help. Carol
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Never a problem.
Comment from Colette
This is another one I wish I had written, I think I will just grab my hat and
coat and leave the room, The competition is far too good LOL. Best of
Luck, but as I said, you don't need it. Colette
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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This is another one I wish I had written, I think I will just grab my hat and
coat and leave the room, The competition is far too good LOL. Best of
Luck, but as I said, you don't need it. Colette
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Colette...Every one has there own vision on what to write...That's what makes writing so much fun. You recognized Haven one way and I saw another. Both are great reads....don't put yourself down ever...That is why we are here on this site together..to improve each other.
Thanks for reading and for your kind comments. I look forward to reading, writing and talking again. Carol
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Thanks Carol, lifelong habits are hard to lose, Smiles, Colette
Comment from Cairn Destop
Based on the opening, I can see why the woman wound up in a phyciatric ward. The lady is very endearing and you feel for her as she struggles for a grasp on reality. When we learn her identity at the end, it doesn't come as a total surprise, but it is a pleasant ending. Thought the narration style fit this story well. Did not notice any SPAG while reading.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Based on the opening, I can see why the woman wound up in a phyciatric ward. The lady is very endearing and you feel for her as she struggles for a grasp on reality. When we learn her identity at the end, it doesn't come as a total surprise, but it is a pleasant ending. Thought the narration style fit this story well. Did not notice any SPAG while reading.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Cairn...Thank you for your kind review. I struggled with this story...my mind had the picture but I couldn't find the exact way to write it. I am glad that you enjoyed it though/
Thanks again Carol
Comment from Blue Danube
Begin Again:
You've produced a very good and compelling read.
Just for my own sense of comprehension, would you please be so kind as to clarifying who the woman calling herself Haven Winston (at the mansion) is. Is she an impostor or is she Raven's criminal sister? Was she away from the mansion when the bludgeoning took place?
Is she the one who killed Theodore Winston and his wife and kept "Chandra" Raven Winston in chains? Or did she have nothing to do with the crime other than keeping sister Raven locked up in the psychiatric hospital?
I know it is probably just me wanting to get deeper into this knowledge.
This story is interesting and thought provoking on many levels. The more I think about it, the better it gets.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Begin Again:
You've produced a very good and compelling read.
Just for my own sense of comprehension, would you please be so kind as to clarifying who the woman calling herself Haven Winston (at the mansion) is. Is she an impostor or is she Raven's criminal sister? Was she away from the mansion when the bludgeoning took place?
Is she the one who killed Theodore Winston and his wife and kept "Chandra" Raven Winston in chains? Or did she have nothing to do with the crime other than keeping sister Raven locked up in the psychiatric hospital?
I know it is probably just me wanting to get deeper into this knowledge.
This story is interesting and thought provoking on many levels. The more I think about it, the better it gets.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Blue Danube...There is so much more I would like to add but alas it's a short story for a contest. Haven is her sister, the woman in the picture. I allowed the reader to assume that Raven was abducted, but Haven was not home at the time of the murders. I probably need to clarify that somehow with out giving away the end of the story.
Any suggestions? Thanks for reading and commenting. Carol
P>S> I made a slight change where Chandra (Raven) talked of her family. I wrote. "I had a family once. I had a twin sister. She lived in New York." Will that help clear it the confusion? Thanks for the help. Carol
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Begin Again:
Thanks for responding to my questions because they helped with understanding the story.
It escaped me the fact that Raven could have been abducted since found chained inside a drug house.
Is Haven a bad sister who wanted the entire fortune for herself thus allowing Raven to stay put away? How scary is that.
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Begin Again:
Thanks for responding to my questions because they helped with understanding the story.
It escaped me the fact that Raven could have been abducted since found chained inside a drug house.
Is Haven a bad sister who wanted the entire fortune for herself thus allowing Raven to stay put away? How scary is that.
Comment from c_lucas
A very touching story about a lost life. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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A very touching story about a lost life. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Charlie...Thank you for your kind comments. I had the story in my head but for some reason I struggled to put it on paper. Thanks again - Carol
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You're welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from Belinda
As I read this story I could not help my sympathy to Chandra and the narrator. I also find myself angry with Amy and her air of authority that makes Chandra so frightened. And the ending has a surprising twist that characterizes a successful short story. A good entry to the competition!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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As I read this story I could not help my sympathy to Chandra and the narrator. I also find myself angry with Amy and her air of authority that makes Chandra so frightened. And the ending has a surprising twist that characterizes a successful short story. A good entry to the competition!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Belinda...I was angry with Amy too and I'm glad that came across in the character. So many times, people take advantage of their situation and are aggressive to those that can't defend themselves. I appreciate your kind review. Carol
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
Carol, what a simply marvelous piece. You write so well about people who are challenged. You write with so much dignity and grace it is very touching.
"She quickly pulled away and her eyes darted in both directions, afraid of who might have seen her gesture." - this line adds so much reality to this piece; I can just see this poor, nervous girl who had been through an unbelievably traumatic experience.
In every section of your descriptive narrative, your images are perfect, so well described; you really bring this whole story to life.
"To my surprise, she clasped her fingers around my hand and nodded her head." a simple, but very moving line.
"She pressed her lips tightly together, hesitating before walking back to stand by me." ditto for this line. very tenderly written. We can see Chandra so clearly.
"As I headed out the door, I could hear Amy's gruff voice telling her it was time for a nap." - there are too many unfeeling people in this profession. You have got this ones number!
and then to follow it with this: " My heart ached for her, disillusioned or not, she had lost her family, her life, and all hope." Marvelous.
I loved the ending! Very well done, Carol. Lovely work.
John
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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Carol, what a simply marvelous piece. You write so well about people who are challenged. You write with so much dignity and grace it is very touching.
"She quickly pulled away and her eyes darted in both directions, afraid of who might have seen her gesture." - this line adds so much reality to this piece; I can just see this poor, nervous girl who had been through an unbelievably traumatic experience.
In every section of your descriptive narrative, your images are perfect, so well described; you really bring this whole story to life.
"To my surprise, she clasped her fingers around my hand and nodded her head." a simple, but very moving line.
"She pressed her lips tightly together, hesitating before walking back to stand by me." ditto for this line. very tenderly written. We can see Chandra so clearly.
"As I headed out the door, I could hear Amy's gruff voice telling her it was time for a nap." - there are too many unfeeling people in this profession. You have got this ones number!
and then to follow it with this: " My heart ached for her, disillusioned or not, she had lost her family, her life, and all hope." Marvelous.
I loved the ending! Very well done, Carol. Lovely work.
John
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2009
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John..Thank you very much for your kind review. I am pleased that you could understand the coldness that Chandra (Raven) had been living through. No one ever cared enough to believe her. Thanks again - Carol