Murder or Coincidence
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Murder or Coincidence? Part 1"Was it Murder
34 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
This promises to be an interesting stpry about old flames, friendship, and 'rebound marriage'. The way you write it makes me want to rush to the two remaining chapters.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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This promises to be an interesting stpry about old flames, friendship, and 'rebound marriage'. The way you write it makes me want to rush to the two remaining chapters.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Belinda That makes me feel very good...Knowing that another writer is thrilled with my story and can't wait to read on. Thanks for the review. Carol
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for your notes and letting us know your story's genesis and how it will evolve in two more parts. I liked your "100 Yard Dash" so much, I wanted to read more of your work. It's interesting the way the bar room scene turns up in both works. I admired your authentic dialog and human emotions. Your title alludes to something sinister; so we'll have to see what happens in the next episodes. To be continued...
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your notes and letting us know your story's genesis and how it will evolve in two more parts. I liked your "100 Yard Dash" so much, I wanted to read more of your work. It's interesting the way the bar room scene turns up in both works. I admired your authentic dialog and human emotions. Your title alludes to something sinister; so we'll have to see what happens in the next episodes. To be continued...
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Joan
I draw a lot of my stories from my son and his friends...taking the basic life and charging it up a little. They hung out at a bar (4 guys) all the time...they liked the dancing and a few liked the drinking. Their lives have given me many stories. Thanks for the review. Carol
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Thank you, Carol, for the feedback and sharing your inspiration and context. -Joan
Comment from jlsavell
Begin Again, what what...you are not playing fair. you immediately grab the reader's attention and one is compelled to keep reading. You are a big tease, where is part 2??????
will be looking for the next post..well done..excellent dialogue ..jlsavell
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Begin Again, what what...you are not playing fair. you immediately grab the reader's attention and one is compelled to keep reading. You are a big tease, where is part 2??????
will be looking for the next post..well done..excellent dialogue ..jlsavell
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Jlsavell
Part two is posted and Part three (the real kicker) is finished...but I have to review some more so I have money. I am so glad you enjoyed the story enough to want to continue. It makes me so happy when another writer enjoys my work. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Janilou
Okay, officially not fair! Where are parts two and three? :-)
PLEASE send me a PM when you get them written so I can find out what the heck happens in this story!
I enjoyed this part. Nothing to correct, except in your heading above your title; did you mean angry or anger?
Janilou
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Okay, officially not fair! Where are parts two and three? :-)
PLEASE send me a PM when you get them written so I can find out what the heck happens in this story!
I enjoyed this part. Nothing to correct, except in your heading above your title; did you mean angry or anger?
Janilou
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Janilou I am so happy that you liked the story enough to want to continue...Part 2 is posted and Part 3 is finished but I didn't have enough $$$$ so I have review some more. Hopefully I will have Part 3 tomorrow. Thanks so much for the review. Carol
Comment from FredCollingwood
Writers like you make it difficult for us reviewers. I looke hard for spags, but I found none. Good story and great writing.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Writers like you make it difficult for us reviewers. I looke hard for spags, but I found none. Good story and great writing.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Fred Wow!!! Thanks for the compliment. I am happy that you read and enjoyed the story. Part 2 is posted and Part 3 should be tomorrow. Thanks so much Carol
Comment from darkgreennights
I knew he was going to go lol. You totally hooked my attention with the call from the one that got away and dissapeared, dying to know how you get Lee out of this mess and resolve it, will be looking for the next chapter.
Kathleen
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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I knew he was going to go lol. You totally hooked my attention with the call from the one that got away and dissapeared, dying to know how you get Lee out of this mess and resolve it, will be looking for the next chapter.
Kathleen
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Kathleen
Thank you so much for the review. I'm glad the story held your attention. Part 2 is posted, just not as high as this one...ran out of money. Now I must review for the final Part 3...the real kicker. Thanks again Carol
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I'll find it
Comment from L.lora
Good write and lead in, now your building the suspense while nothing out of the ordinary at this point. Very subtle, so I can take it that you are ensnaring us just haven't got a clue about the what for, where and when. Enjoyed the read and can find no nits. Lora
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Good write and lead in, now your building the suspense while nothing out of the ordinary at this point. Very subtle, so I can take it that you are ensnaring us just haven't got a clue about the what for, where and when. Enjoyed the read and can find no nits. Lora
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Lora
Thanks for the kind review and I am glad you enjoyed it. Part 2 is posted and hopefully Part 3 will be tomorrow...that one is a kicker, I think. Thanks again Carol
Comment from c_lucas
This is a well written story. You have built Lee's character very nicely. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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This is a well written story. You have built Lee's character very nicely. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Charlie
Thanks for reading and leaving me your comments. I am glad you could understand the battle Lee was fighting within himself. Thanks again for the review. Carol
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You're welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from fictionwriter
It's much better, but there are still these three places that need to be fixed.
Brad knew his friend so well and trouble was Lee's middle name. (Brad was Lee's best friend, and Lee knew he'd stick beside him, even though he'd said many times that Trouble was Lees middle name.)
So what you gonna do? Go running back to her and dump Rebecca?" ( take this sentenc out Brad hadn't known Sandi that well, but he'd seen what her leaving had done to his friend. He wasn't happy that she'd reappeared.) (Replace it with something Brad says. Ex: You know I didn't know Sandi all that well, but I saw what her leaving did to you last time. I'd think twice before I gave her another chance.) You can show Brad's concern by his dialouge, or show it in Lee's thoughts. Ex: Brad had stuck by him when Sandi disappeared the first time. Lee knew Brad would not be happy she was back in his life again. Something like that still stays in Lee's pov.)
Brad wasn't about to face Rebecca tonight or let his friend dump Sandi in her lap. It could wait till morning. He knew that Lee's gambling habits kept him out many a night so Rebecca wouldn't wait up for him. (This is another jump into Brads point of view. Put it in his dialouge, or put it in Lee's thoughts like I showed you in the last example, either way works and still keeps us in Lee's POV.)
The two friends polished off their beers before Brad (took Lee's arm and guided his stumbling feet toward the exit)guided his stumbling friend toward the exit.
I hope this helps you out. It's very easy to get caught changing pov, but it's widely frowned upon. If you need more help, I'd be glad to assist. Your friend, Joy
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reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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It's much better, but there are still these three places that need to be fixed.
Brad knew his friend so well and trouble was Lee's middle name. (Brad was Lee's best friend, and Lee knew he'd stick beside him, even though he'd said many times that Trouble was Lees middle name.)
So what you gonna do? Go running back to her and dump Rebecca?" ( take this sentenc out Brad hadn't known Sandi that well, but he'd seen what her leaving had done to his friend. He wasn't happy that she'd reappeared.) (Replace it with something Brad says. Ex: You know I didn't know Sandi all that well, but I saw what her leaving did to you last time. I'd think twice before I gave her another chance.) You can show Brad's concern by his dialouge, or show it in Lee's thoughts. Ex: Brad had stuck by him when Sandi disappeared the first time. Lee knew Brad would not be happy she was back in his life again. Something like that still stays in Lee's pov.)
Brad wasn't about to face Rebecca tonight or let his friend dump Sandi in her lap. It could wait till morning. He knew that Lee's gambling habits kept him out many a night so Rebecca wouldn't wait up for him. (This is another jump into Brads point of view. Put it in his dialouge, or put it in Lee's thoughts like I showed you in the last example, either way works and still keeps us in Lee's POV.)
The two friends polished off their beers before Brad (took Lee's arm and guided his stumbling feet toward the exit)guided his stumbling friend toward the exit.
I hope this helps you out. It's very easy to get caught changing pov, but it's widely frowned upon. If you need more help, I'd be glad to assist. Your friend, Joy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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fictionwriter
Thanks for pointing that out. I didn't mean to make that switch so I'll have to correct it asap. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Nanny 6
Okay, you got me hooked, can't wait for the third part of the story. You developed it to peek my interest and can't wait to see why Sandi's in the hospital. Maybe she works there...hmmmm, guess I'll have to wait and see. Judy
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Okay, you got me hooked, can't wait for the third part of the story. You developed it to peek my interest and can't wait to see why Sandi's in the hospital. Maybe she works there...hmmmm, guess I'll have to wait and see. Judy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Judy
I am so glad you enjoyed it. The other two parts are written, but the lack of "coin" requires me to review first. I shall do justice to others and then post the second part. I too am anxious to see how it is accepted...Though the third segment is the kicker.
Carol