Olivia
Daddy taught his little girl well.......49 total reviews
Comment from FredCollingwood
Great story and excelelnt descriptions. A few things you might look at.
A wine glass lay on its side(;) its contents dripping from the table's edge forming a dark red pool on the pristine white tile. > comma, not semicolon
Pouring the rich() red garnet liquid down the drain, > garnet means deep red, or rich red, so you're essentially saying "Pouring the rich red rich red liquid down the drain..." If you keep it as is, you need a comma where indicated.
She worked quickly and thirty minutes later(,) the kitchen was immaculate. > comma
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Great story and excelelnt descriptions. A few things you might look at.
A wine glass lay on its side(;) its contents dripping from the table's edge forming a dark red pool on the pristine white tile. > comma, not semicolon
Pouring the rich() red garnet liquid down the drain, > garnet means deep red, or rich red, so you're essentially saying "Pouring the rich red rich red liquid down the drain..." If you keep it as is, you need a comma where indicated.
She worked quickly and thirty minutes later(,) the kitchen was immaculate. > comma
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Fred
Thanks for stopping by and checking on my musing...Appreciate the assistance and your comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from Vladilynn
WOW!! What an excellent mystery piece...I been sitting at the edge of my bed reading this and calculating all the words!!!
You made me thinking so much..and wondering what's happening! I'm glad I came to visit your page or else I'll missed this one!
Thank you so much, it's a very tense reading your story!
ANd I surely enjoyed reading it!
Love much
Lynn:0)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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WOW!! What an excellent mystery piece...I been sitting at the edge of my bed reading this and calculating all the words!!!
You made me thinking so much..and wondering what's happening! I'm glad I came to visit your page or else I'll missed this one!
Thank you so much, it's a very tense reading your story!
ANd I surely enjoyed reading it!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Lynn
Terrific...Though sitting at the edge of your bed, I hope you weren't pondering sleep...I might have conjured a few nightmares for you. LOL
Thank you so much for enjoying the story and I am thrilled of course by your appreciation and stars. I hope you will continue to read and enjoy my stories...Bless you, Carol
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of course I will Carol...and you're welcome! This story deserves sixer!!
Comment from Alison Williams
This is a powerful piece, I enjoyed the mystery of it and the wondering. I had several things move through my head, one it was Clayton, then it was the father, the clues given were the italic thoughts and flashback. Actually I think you realise just what a control freak he was when he paid off Clayton.
The twist to him trying to make her abort the baby, that was a shock, and no doubt the final straw for Olivia. That pushed it just that bit too far.
So he obviously got rid of the grandmother out of her life because she was a spoke in his control of his daughter.
I had the feeling that I didn't like the father very much, so I'm not really sorry about what she's done.
I think however, you have conveyed her love for him as well as her hate. That love/hate admiration/despite of her father. In a way, he created his own weapon that came back to haunt him. Rather ironic and poetic justice.
Lovely story, I didn't spot any SPAGs, I was too involved in the story, but even so, nothing leapt out at me either to interrupt my flow of reading.
Thank you for a fantastic piece.
Cheers, Alison
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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This is a powerful piece, I enjoyed the mystery of it and the wondering. I had several things move through my head, one it was Clayton, then it was the father, the clues given were the italic thoughts and flashback. Actually I think you realise just what a control freak he was when he paid off Clayton.
The twist to him trying to make her abort the baby, that was a shock, and no doubt the final straw for Olivia. That pushed it just that bit too far.
So he obviously got rid of the grandmother out of her life because she was a spoke in his control of his daughter.
I had the feeling that I didn't like the father very much, so I'm not really sorry about what she's done.
I think however, you have conveyed her love for him as well as her hate. That love/hate admiration/despite of her father. In a way, he created his own weapon that came back to haunt him. Rather ironic and poetic justice.
Lovely story, I didn't spot any SPAGs, I was too involved in the story, but even so, nothing leapt out at me either to interrupt my flow of reading.
Thank you for a fantastic piece.
Cheers, Alison
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Alison...Thank you so much for the kind review and all your comments. I always appreciate new input into my stories so I know what I do right and wrong. Smiles, CArol
Comment from patmedium
WOW, Carol... am I glad I have not stepped on YOUR toes!
What dark and mysterious depths you have in YOUR brain... I wonder what ELSE is lurking down there?
No criticism.
No carping.
Just admiration !
Pat.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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WOW, Carol... am I glad I have not stepped on YOUR toes!
What dark and mysterious depths you have in YOUR brain... I wonder what ELSE is lurking down there?
No criticism.
No carping.
Just admiration !
Pat.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Pat...I'm nothing like my stories so have no fear...I think these new muses are having their way with my brain...Smiles, Carol
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Just lie back and think of England, dear (or wherever you come from!) patriotic duty to let em have their way, etc. LOL. Pat.
Comment from jadapenn
Ouch, murder in the family. Yeah, never underestimate the fury of a woman scorned. This was a good plot and a terrific story. It flowed well and I didn't stop to look for gremlins. They usually jump out at me anyway. I just thought you should have brought the physical training in at an earlier spot, because as soon as I read that I guessed what was going down.
Well done. luv jada
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Ouch, murder in the family. Yeah, never underestimate the fury of a woman scorned. This was a good plot and a terrific story. It flowed well and I didn't stop to look for gremlins. They usually jump out at me anyway. I just thought you should have brought the physical training in at an earlier spot, because as soon as I read that I guessed what was going down.
Well done. luv jada
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Jada...Thanks for all the comments. As for the physical training, I thought I would give away the plot if I talked about earlier than I did...Not sure! Smiles, Carol
Comment from L.lora
Wow, another totally different
voice from you. This was excellently
laid out, you didn't miss a thing.
The delivery was smooth and your
dilaogues both mental and spoken
were excellent, helping to further
the story. You are becoming quite
accomplished with these short stories.
no nits or spags. :)Lora
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Wow, another totally different
voice from you. This was excellently
laid out, you didn't miss a thing.
The delivery was smooth and your
dilaogues both mental and spoken
were excellent, helping to further
the story. You are becoming quite
accomplished with these short stories.
no nits or spags. :)Lora
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Lora...This father reminding me a l"little" of my controlling dad...of course, he wouldn't do the things this one did and neither would I but I think the thoughts made the foundation for this one. Thanks for the kind comments. Carol
Comment from MJMuraco
Wow! What a powerful and emotional story. Your plot was terrific and very thought out. I think you did an awesome job portraying her Dad as controlling and when she pushed the oriental rug into the ocean, it was such a climax. Great job!
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Wow! What a powerful and emotional story. Your plot was terrific and very thought out. I think you did an awesome job portraying her Dad as controlling and when she pushed the oriental rug into the ocean, it was such a climax. Great job!
Comment Written 06-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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HJ...I'm blown away by your gracious comments. I hoped the reader would connect to her live long fears and not just consider her a murderer. So pleased and humbled by your remarks. Carol
Comment from fionageorge
Hi Carol, what a wonderful, yet disturbing story about an abusive father, and the daughter's revenge.
The emotions as she starts clearing up after her 'party' are vivid to the reader, as are the thought processes, and her father's words to her.
Her grandmother's personality, support and love comes through clearly. This story had me spellbound from beginning to end.
Good luck in the contest
Marijke
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Hi Carol, what a wonderful, yet disturbing story about an abusive father, and the daughter's revenge.
The emotions as she starts clearing up after her 'party' are vivid to the reader, as are the thought processes, and her father's words to her.
Her grandmother's personality, support and love comes through clearly. This story had me spellbound from beginning to end.
Good luck in the contest
Marijke
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Marijke
I'm not strictly into the blood and guts stuff so I like to weave a bit of love, emotions, etc. into the dire and sad. Glad you enjoyed it...Carol
Comment from Trybuck
A very well written story with a twist. You do enjoy putting those little twist in, right at the end. Enjoyed your little story, Buck
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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A very well written story with a twist. You do enjoy putting those little twist in, right at the end. Enjoyed your little story, Buck
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Burck
Thank you for reading and commenting...I never want everything to just have one layer so I hope I entertain by jacking it up just a bit. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from skye
Well, that was awful... way too real, too horrid, and unexpectedly satisfying.
Your character lived through her life in this short story, with drama, pain, loss, and finally became freed by murder.
Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Well, that was awful... way too real, too horrid, and unexpectedly satisfying.
Your character lived through her life in this short story, with drama, pain, loss, and finally became freed by murder.
Well done.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2010
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Skye
Olivia never asked to become a murderer but when backed into a corner with no way out....Appreciate your kind comments. Carol