Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The promise given"A book of Poetry & Writing
88 total reviews
Comment from dmoncrief
I read this the second time just for the pure pleasure of reading it. Thanks for sharing this very thought-provoking poem. When you give a promise, you give your whole self to that commitment.
Denise
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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I read this the second time just for the pure pleasure of reading it. Thanks for sharing this very thought-provoking poem. When you give a promise, you give your whole self to that commitment.
Denise
Comment Written 19-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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thank you Denise for reading this
Comment from sopranodebs
I really enjoyed this piece. I especially liked "The mind, wins with strength of truth, or loses with judgments and lies.
". I believe humans greatest fault and/or weaknesses is not lying to those he loves, but to the person in the mirror. Marriage is about two peoples inner truth being honest with themselves and each other. Thank you for sharing your piece. I loved it.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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I really enjoyed this piece. I especially liked "The mind, wins with strength of truth, or loses with judgments and lies.
". I believe humans greatest fault and/or weaknesses is not lying to those he loves, but to the person in the mirror. Marriage is about two peoples inner truth being honest with themselves and each other. Thank you for sharing your piece. I loved it.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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again thanks for reading
Comment from debskatz
Hi deepwater,
An interesting poem with nice descriptions of what can happen in a marriage depending on one's choices. However, I did find it a bit uneven.
"The heart, can be given, a new eclipse in life, but is lost with discontent."
In the above quote, it reads to me as though someone tried to give his/her heart but became discontent. It doesn't read as a choice like most of your other lines do.
"The soul, the ellusive butterfly so frail without the heart and mind,"
With the soul, no choice is given. You state baldly that it's frail.
"The temple, your body is given freely in love, or taken in whim or revenge."
A good line with clear choices.
The rest do not have choices. Also, your tenses are mixed. Some you have "giving," others are "given." It would make the poem stronger to have only one tense throughout the piece.
I also expected it to be talking about a marriage couple, but your last lines clearly are talking about only one, possibly the groom. It would read better if you made it clear from the beginning just who the poem is about.
I think this is a good start, but it needs some work. If you revise, holler back at me & I'll review it again.
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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Hi deepwater,
An interesting poem with nice descriptions of what can happen in a marriage depending on one's choices. However, I did find it a bit uneven.
"The heart, can be given, a new eclipse in life, but is lost with discontent."
In the above quote, it reads to me as though someone tried to give his/her heart but became discontent. It doesn't read as a choice like most of your other lines do.
"The soul, the ellusive butterfly so frail without the heart and mind,"
With the soul, no choice is given. You state baldly that it's frail.
"The temple, your body is given freely in love, or taken in whim or revenge."
A good line with clear choices.
The rest do not have choices. Also, your tenses are mixed. Some you have "giving," others are "given." It would make the poem stronger to have only one tense throughout the piece.
I also expected it to be talking about a marriage couple, but your last lines clearly are talking about only one, possibly the groom. It would read better if you made it clear from the beginning just who the poem is about.
I think this is a good start, but it needs some work. If you revise, holler back at me & I'll review it again.
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 19-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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why would i change this for you
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Well, certainly you wouldn't change it for me. I was merely offering my opinion of the poem. I am a reader, a member of your audience, so my opinion matters. I will refrain from commenting on your poems from now on.
Comment from jwlee211
great poem. I really like the message that you convey to the reader. Very deep and very important I hope the audience takes heed. Great word choice. Great work
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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great poem. I really like the message that you convey to the reader. Very deep and very important I hope the audience takes heed. Great word choice. Great work
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2010
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thank you jwlee for the review
Comment from chocoletdrop052
All signals say go, and yet we a applauding this piece. Well put together and such such substance. Every stanza complete's the thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing
Stay Blessed and keep writing
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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All signals say go, and yet we a applauding this piece. Well put together and such such substance. Every stanza complete's the thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing
Stay Blessed and keep writing
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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thank you again for the review Gary
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Your welcome, tell me do cowboys carry guns and also ride horses
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i do ride horses and have a gun or two,,smiling
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Smiling Back, and stay blessed. Keep writing
Comment from SecretSquirrel
This is pretty good, kind of a staunch refrain about truth, fidelity, and service. It has some nice contrasts about he stregnth and weaknesses of the parts of the body. Ritual and custom, seem to be emphasized as somethign that can be counted on, to over lay and guide through the other frailties of the body. This really came out well and I liked how it was paired with the theme of describing all the parts of the body and soul.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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This is pretty good, kind of a staunch refrain about truth, fidelity, and service. It has some nice contrasts about he stregnth and weaknesses of the parts of the body. Ritual and custom, seem to be emphasized as somethign that can be counted on, to over lay and guide through the other frailties of the body. This really came out well and I liked how it was paired with the theme of describing all the parts of the body and soul.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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thank you for the review
Comment from Shirley McLain
Very good poem. You told your story well with few words. It flowed well and was easy to read. I did not see any spag. Very good job.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Very good poem. You told your story well with few words. It flowed well and was easy to read. I did not see any spag. Very good job.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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thanks again Tex
Comment from Gert sherwood
Good Evening deepwater
Very nice thought within your free verse poem
Well expressed, sounds like someone made very sincere promises.
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Good Evening deepwater
Very nice thought within your free verse poem
Well expressed, sounds like someone made very sincere promises.
Gert
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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thank you Gert
Comment from Leigh Ann
The mind, wins with strength of truth, or loses with judgments and lies.
This is my favorite line, but its full of truths so this is one of my favorite all time pieces I've read here. All I can say is "tell it brother, tell it." LOL Leigh Ann
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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The mind, wins with strength of truth, or loses with judgments and lies.
This is my favorite line, but its full of truths so this is one of my favorite all time pieces I've read here. All I can say is "tell it brother, tell it." LOL Leigh Ann
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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thank you leigh Ann for the review
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
Marriage is something I struggle with even though I'm with the greatest guy in the world. It's so...permanent and although I would never cheat on him or anything like that marriage still scares me. It is one of the biggest commitments a person can make
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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Marriage is something I struggle with even though I'm with the greatest guy in the world. It's so...permanent and although I would never cheat on him or anything like that marriage still scares me. It is one of the biggest commitments a person can make
Comment Written 18-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2010
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that and bring into this world a child red
