There's a Light Up Ahead
Will I get there first?33 total reviews
Comment from suneagle
Well it was a "thriller", but I wouldn't really classify it as "horror". Nevertheless it was tight writing with a couple of slight exceptions.
Storm clouds shroud the moon, and the cold wind whips my hair into my face.
(Notice the repetition of the pronoun "my". The first instance is unnecessary because the reader will assume it is her hair:
Storm clouds shroud the moon, and the cold wind whips hair into my face.)
"You're not getting away," he hisses.
(No, he didn't "hiss" those words because they don't have sibilant sounds. "Hiss" refers to a prolonged "s" sound as in the word "hiss" itself.)
He kisses me passionately and carries me over the threshold of our honeymoon cottage.
(Delete the adverb "passionately". If the "passion" is important to the context, as it would seem so, it should be shown, not told. For example: His kiss lingers on my lips and I melt as her carries me into our honeymoon cottage. [I think that still falls below the word limit.])
Good luck in the contest, Marijke.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Well it was a "thriller", but I wouldn't really classify it as "horror". Nevertheless it was tight writing with a couple of slight exceptions.
Storm clouds shroud the moon, and the cold wind whips my hair into my face.
(Notice the repetition of the pronoun "my". The first instance is unnecessary because the reader will assume it is her hair:
Storm clouds shroud the moon, and the cold wind whips hair into my face.)
"You're not getting away," he hisses.
(No, he didn't "hiss" those words because they don't have sibilant sounds. "Hiss" refers to a prolonged "s" sound as in the word "hiss" itself.)
He kisses me passionately and carries me over the threshold of our honeymoon cottage.
(Delete the adverb "passionately". If the "passion" is important to the context, as it would seem so, it should be shown, not told. For example: His kiss lingers on my lips and I melt as her carries me into our honeymoon cottage. [I think that still falls below the word limit.])
Good luck in the contest, Marijke.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Les, thank you for the review and the rating. Also for the advice. No spag is good! Yes, I see what you say, the 'hissing'. I tried a couple of other words, but none seemed to fit. I will revisit that one, also the passionate kiss. See how I can rewrite that. Thanks for the advice, always appreciated. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Vladilynn
Definately this is a flash ficton!!! Nothing I can say~ I really wanted to give you a sixer but I didn't have it(shrugs).
But your been naughty to fool me up to the end.(grins)
You got a twist and I loved it! Very well done!!
The scenes is really cool, how you made it fast and well said. Bravo!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Good luck!!!!
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Definately this is a flash ficton!!! Nothing I can say~ I really wanted to give you a sixer but I didn't have it(shrugs).
But your been naughty to fool me up to the end.(grins)
You got a twist and I loved it! Very well done!!
The scenes is really cool, how you made it fast and well said. Bravo!
Love much
Lynn:0)
Good luck!!!!
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Hi Lynn, thank you for your fun and warm review and your 'virtual six' for this little twisted tail. I appreciate it. Pleased you enjoyed. Love and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Joan E.
I did not expect your twist after you built up the suspense so much. (I think there's an unneeded comma after "steps.") I particularly liked your use of alliteration in the first paragraph to enhance the setting. I admired the contrast between the title and the dark picture. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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I did not expect your twist after you built up the suspense so much. (I think there's an unneeded comma after "steps.") I particularly liked your use of alliteration in the first paragraph to enhance the setting. I admired the contrast between the title and the dark picture. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 08-May-2010
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Thank you Joan, for that warm and generous review, your comments are always welcome. I'll have a look at that comma. Warmest regards, Marijke
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Thank you for your gracious response. It is my pleasure to be helpful, since I enjoy your work so very much. -Joan
Comment from AlvinTEthington
What a twist at the end! You just keep getting better and better. I would have never guessed the turn at the end. Marvelous work.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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What a twist at the end! You just keep getting better and better. I would have never guessed the turn at the end. Marvelous work.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Hi Al, thank you. I am pleased I've fooled everyone with this little twister. Six - from you, I am honoured, my friend. Warmest regards, Marijke
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Well, you certainly fooled me!
Comment from btruax
I really like your work. I have enjoyed everything I have read of yours. This is a fun story with an interesting twist at the end. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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I really like your work. I have enjoyed everything I have read of yours. This is a fun story with an interesting twist at the end. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Thank you to so much. I am thrilled with your review and support of my work. I enjoyed putting the little twist at the end. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Belinda
Ha-ha, Marijke, I thought it was a real horror story. Turns out ... the opposite! A clever entry to the horror flash fiction. Good luck.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Ha-ha, Marijke, I thought it was a real horror story. Turns out ... the opposite! A clever entry to the horror flash fiction. Good luck.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Hi Belinda, thank you for your review, I am pleased you enjoyed. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Rama Rao
I enjoyed reading your well crafted story.
I say crafted because you constructed it to lure the reader to a false inference and have a laugh at the end. I must say you succeeded, almost.
It was a fun ending and a good twist.
However, the only sour note was the mention of the fence. I think it was used to create the impression you were trying to flee from some camp. The story would have been superb if you had avoided the mention of the fence.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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I enjoyed reading your well crafted story.
I say crafted because you constructed it to lure the reader to a false inference and have a laugh at the end. I must say you succeeded, almost.
It was a fun ending and a good twist.
However, the only sour note was the mention of the fence. I think it was used to create the impression you were trying to flee from some camp. The story would have been superb if you had avoided the mention of the fence.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Hi Ramarao, thank you for your comments. Here in Australia almost all houses are free-standing, and have fences around them. Larger properties usually have wired or barbed wired fences to keep out som of the wild-life (eg. kangaroos).
I appreciate your wonderful review and great comments.
Warmest regards, my friend.
Marijke
Comment from Shirley McLain
You got my attention at the start and held it until I found out about the honeymoon. It was not what I expected. I did not see any spag. Good job once again.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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You got my attention at the start and held it until I found out about the honeymoon. It was not what I expected. I did not see any spag. Good job once again.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Thank you so much, I appreciate your review and generous comments and rating. If you didn't expect the ending, I am pleased, that was the intention - a twist in the tail!
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Helen Tan
My stomach scrapes the ground as I crawl under the fence. Storm clouds hide
I enjoyed this clever storyline. No SPAG noted. Good luck in the contest.
the moon, and the cold wind whips my hair into my face.
I love the concrete verbs used - "scrapes" and "whips". There's a sense of danger and violence to them. I would suggest you look into "hide" as it seems a bit mild, maybe "cloaked", "shrouded". Just a thought.
a cold hand touches my neck
"touches" - consider something more graphic to add to the tension. "touches" sounds light, gentle.
My heart pounds, my legs ache. I'm out of breath.
I like the build up. The choice of short sentences builds tension. I might consider adding another "my..." instead of " I'm out of breath" to continue from " My heart pounds, my legs ache..."
"Okay, you win," I whisper, "your choice of position tonight."
He kisses me passionately and carries me over the threshold of our honeymoon cottage.
I do enjoy our little games.
Enjoy this closing, brilliant.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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My stomach scrapes the ground as I crawl under the fence. Storm clouds hide
I enjoyed this clever storyline. No SPAG noted. Good luck in the contest.
the moon, and the cold wind whips my hair into my face.
I love the concrete verbs used - "scrapes" and "whips". There's a sense of danger and violence to them. I would suggest you look into "hide" as it seems a bit mild, maybe "cloaked", "shrouded". Just a thought.
a cold hand touches my neck
"touches" - consider something more graphic to add to the tension. "touches" sounds light, gentle.
My heart pounds, my legs ache. I'm out of breath.
I like the build up. The choice of short sentences builds tension. I might consider adding another "my..." instead of " I'm out of breath" to continue from " My heart pounds, my legs ache..."
"Okay, you win," I whisper, "your choice of position tonight."
He kisses me passionately and carries me over the threshold of our honeymoon cottage.
I do enjoy our little games.
Enjoy this closing, brilliant.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Thank you Helen, for your kind and generous review. I'll look at your suggestions, and see if I can improve. I appreicate your advice. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from SkyAsia
Images of the events are trusty. There are too many people in the background, still remembering all those that seek the lite, without music or wind is unfair. This would be a fun event to test the reading skills of honeymooners. Keep near the lite, heaven is watching.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Images of the events are trusty. There are too many people in the background, still remembering all those that seek the lite, without music or wind is unfair. This would be a fun event to test the reading skills of honeymooners. Keep near the lite, heaven is watching.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 07-May-2010
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Hi SkyAsia, I am a little confused with your reivew. Both the comments and rating. Are they meant for this piece?