A Scary Building
Patty is afraid to live in her building.29 total reviews
Comment from Jnetgame
Excellent story. I liked the twist ending and I think you built up the suspense well. I don't see anything to change. Good luck.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Excellent story. I liked the twist ending and I think you built up the suspense well. I don't see anything to change. Good luck.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Thanks J. I appreciate you taking the time to review my work. - John
Comment from nora arjuna
hi Thesis, thanks for joining the contest. you created the element of suspense quite well here, yet there's 'telling' factor in your story. show us the scene. what is she doing in the first place? climbing stairs? does she hear something? writing wise it's a bit wordy too for flash. eg. here:
The elevators never work and [there are so many] creeps in the building. - too general statement. maybe try something like:
The elevators never work and creeps lurks in every corner.
you could create more suspense when she sees the shadow.
you begin the story in present tense, but your last para is in past tense. also your post category should be flash fiction, not general.
i hope my comments are helpful in any way. best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-May-2010
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hi Thesis, thanks for joining the contest. you created the element of suspense quite well here, yet there's 'telling' factor in your story. show us the scene. what is she doing in the first place? climbing stairs? does she hear something? writing wise it's a bit wordy too for flash. eg. here:
The elevators never work and [there are so many] creeps in the building. - too general statement. maybe try something like:
The elevators never work and creeps lurks in every corner.
you could create more suspense when she sees the shadow.
you begin the story in present tense, but your last para is in past tense. also your post category should be flash fiction, not general.
i hope my comments are helpful in any way. best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 12-May-2010
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Thanks for your suggestions, Arjuna. I appreciate them. I changed the pov, missed it in the original edit. - Thesis
Comment from closetpoetjester
Cool story Thesis! Great storyline and you told volumes in just under 200 words. Well done! This task is not easy and you actually made it look just that ... EASY I mean!
Well penned, beautifully presented in a confronting and compelling story.
Narrated perfectly as always and an absolute pleasure to read my friend.
Cheers closet xo
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Cool story Thesis! Great storyline and you told volumes in just under 200 words. Well done! This task is not easy and you actually made it look just that ... EASY I mean!
Well penned, beautifully presented in a confronting and compelling story.
Narrated perfectly as always and an absolute pleasure to read my friend.
Cheers closet xo
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Thanks, Closet. I appeciate your comments. I'm happy you enjoyed the story. - John
Comment from kath79
Another good one! The tension builds nicely and you create a sense of dread really well. I've been trying my hand at flash fiction, and it turns out that i'm completely pants at it...I literally can not shut up! So I think you've done really well in what must have been a difficult challenge. Good job!
Kath
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Another good one! The tension builds nicely and you create a sense of dread really well. I've been trying my hand at flash fiction, and it turns out that i'm completely pants at it...I literally can not shut up! So I think you've done really well in what must have been a difficult challenge. Good job!
Kath
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Lol, Kath, you're funny. Just go for it. There are plenty of people on here who will let you know when you're being wordy. You have to try. - John
Comment from fionageorge
A scary and short horror, or rather, thriller, story. It was tense, but I did feel I knew her pursuer was a cop. The narrative is descriptive and the fear is real, making me look behind me, as I am home on my own at the moment!
Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards,
Marijke
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A scary and short horror, or rather, thriller, story. It was tense, but I did feel I knew her pursuer was a cop. The narrative is descriptive and the fear is real, making me look behind me, as I am home on my own at the moment!
Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards,
Marijke
Comment Written 08-May-2010
Comment from c_lucas
Noi brownie points for you. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. Excellent supense and a good twist.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Noi brownie points for you. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very easy read. Excellent supense and a good twist.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Lol. Thanks, Charlie. Your words are appreciated. - John
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You're welcome. John. Charlie
Comment from RebelRose
That sounds about like something I would do ... but then, you just never know, do you? The first paragraph had me looking behind me as I am here alone, LOL.
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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That sounds about like something I would do ... but then, you just never know, do you? The first paragraph had me looking behind me as I am here alone, LOL.
Comment Written 07-May-2010
reply by the author on 10-May-2010
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Well then you would have done the right thing, Rose. He deserved it. Not identifying oneself as a police officer leaves you at risk for something like that. She was totally justified, since she was in fear of her life. Sorry to have scared you. - John
Comment from DvUsLee Poetic
Wow that's messed up. I guess he should have said something. Anyway really enjoyed this and I hope to read more of your stuff soon. Have a great weekend.
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Wow that's messed up. I guess he should have said something. Anyway really enjoyed this and I hope to read more of your stuff soon. Have a great weekend.
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Comment Written 07-May-2010
Comment from adewpearl
There is a twist ending for you - what a stupid undercover officer, though! It did not occur to him he was going to spook women in a building where they were on edge? LOL Since you have 52 words left before you hit the limit, I wonder if you might make it seem a bit scarier before she realizes it's a cop - more build up of suspense in that final part?
Brooke :-)
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There is a twist ending for you - what a stupid undercover officer, though! It did not occur to him he was going to spook women in a building where they were on edge? LOL Since you have 52 words left before you hit the limit, I wonder if you might make it seem a bit scarier before she realizes it's a cop - more build up of suspense in that final part?
Brooke :-)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2010